Funny Zimbabwe Quotes

Cricket civilizes people and creates good gentlemen. I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen. ~ Robert Mugabe

It would not be an exaggeration to say that the land question in Zimbabwe is the single most decisive one. ~ Christopher Hitchens

The people of Zimbabwe have a responsibility to ensure that the government that they elected behaves properly. ~ Thabo Mbeki

Zimbabwe, once the breadbasket of Africa, is now its dust bowl. ~ Ilana Mercer

I don't think we will ever go the way of Zimbabwe, but people are concerned. ~ Helen Suzman

Zimbabwe's stock market was the best performer this decade - but your entire portfolio now buys you 3 eggs ~ Kyle Bass

Zimbabwe is for Zimbabweans; so are its resources. ~ Robert Mugabe

Russia is certainly no longer a free country. We are moving in the direction of Zimbabwe. ~ Andrey Illarionov

My view is that the time has come for the international community to act on Zimbabwe in the way that it did in Bosnia - I do not think that we are going to get free and fair elections in Zimbabwe ~ Raila Odinga

Professor, when people say such things after impossibility smacks them in the face, we call it denial ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

Well in the end the world can crank itself up to sanctions, as it has with Zimbabwe, another sad case. ~ Helen Clark

People see him as a hero. Not just in Zimbabwe or here in Zambia but across the whole of southern Africa. It's no good demonising Robert Mugabe. ~ Kenneth Kaunda

Zimbabwe will never be a colony again. ~ Robert Mugabe

So, Blair keep your England, and let me keep my Zimbabwe. ~ Robert Mugabe

The current Human Rights Commission's working group is made up of the Netherlands, Hungary, Cuba, Saudi Arabia and Zimbabwe. No, I'm not making that up. ~ Andrew Sullivan

I was born in Norwich in 1946, and educated in England, Zimbabwe, and Australia, before my family settled in North Wales. ~ Philip Pullman

The funnel of my family's salvation must continue narrowing towards the gallows. That journey cannot begin at the parted tips of another woman's toes ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

A Motswana in Zambia or Zimbabwe was referred to as gwerekwere and so was a Zimbabwean or Zambian in Botswana. Post-colonialism tragedy. ~ Thabo Katlholo

Not all diseases come from bacteria and viruses, Professor. The worst often come from things you cannot see under a microscope. This plant is infested with an aggressive strain of such invisible germs. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

It is my view that it is a big embarrassment for Africa . It is hypocritical for African leaders to talk about democracy and human rights and to be silent when these things are happening in Zimbabwe . ~ Raila Odinga

I think it is its time for the leaders of Africa to say to President Mugabe that the people of Zimbabwe deserve a free and fair election. ~ Raila Odinga

Mr. Gweta and his daughter were the cosmetics camouflaging an infected blackhead. The rest of the ugliness ran deep into a world where plants ate people and botanists lay at the bottom of the food chain. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

At one level the story of the second fall of Zimbabwe can be read as tragic yet a courageous one: a simple but soaring binary about unfounded courage in the face of immeasurable oppression. But at another level, it is a window into a much more complex, perhaps even darker and sadder, narrative about contemporary slaveship and the terrible collision of aspiration and frustration and the need to survive that has been unleashed upon the people of Zimbabwe. Exploitation and oppression are not matters of race. ~ Thabo Katlholo

Professor Khupe felt his chest swell with pride. It was doing so without his encouragement. If an electrical fault had stopped the elevator from rising, his inflating ego would have powered the remainder of their journey to the twenty-second floor. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

The successful recruit must be empathetic. This condition rules out the sadistic, the vengeful, and the enthusiastic. Therefore, many of the garden-variety killers who applied so far have had no chance of success, especially those who are already behind bars. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

As they say: A baking man will grasp at a hangman. Whoever gets the job will be dragged into the heat, forced to wear a massive pair of iron shoes, and frogmarched across the minefield at gunpoint. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

Tanzania is standing by the people of Zimbabwe including President Mugabe ... Mugabe is there, he is president, he has been elected. If Tanzania had simply said, stupid, you're hopeless, a murderer, a violator of basic human rights; does that remove Mugabe from office? It doesn't. ~ Jakaya Kikwete

One candidate who considered applying for the position explained his change of heart: That job is like unprotected sex. It feels amazing at the time, but there is a good chance you will pay for it later. None of the benefits are worth the pleasure. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

Studies conducted in a city in Zimbabwe found that half of reported rape cases involve girls less than 15 years of age and that girls are most vulnerable to sexual abuse by male relatives, neighbors and school teachers. ~ Njovana Watts

In Panama, I found a spider that eats its own limbs during lean times. I am told they grow back. But though the distinction is razor-thin, desperation is not the same thing as determination. Nevertheless, auto-cannibalism is one the most intriguing phenomenon I have ever heard of. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

I was brought up in Zimbabwe, and there were seven of us in my family, so it was difficult to read aloud to us all. There weren't that many picture books around in the Fifties in Zimbabwe. My favourite was Heinrich Hoffmann's Struwwelpeter, which was really frightening. ~ Korky Paul

I strongly support European sanctions against Mugabe and his ruling clique. We must do all in our power to help the people of Zimbabwe achieve their freedom and prosperity once again. ~ Peter Hain

If I went back to Zimbabwe, I am not afraid of the police or the soldiers. I am afraid of those elements which are being used by the regime. People who have nothing, I mean, who don't care whether they are paid $50 to kill someone, they could just do it for. ~ Thomas Mapfumo

You keep distracting from the main point, Vaida. I did not come to Harare to study other people's scars. I have my own to worry about. They make me sick. I will never recover from the events that carved them into my body. You should focus on healing yours instead of creating new ones. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

Further north, I met a Siberian hermit who lived in the foothills of the Ural Mountains. His life's passion was wrestling black bears ... in the nude (him not the bears). He did not know why he did it. All the hermit knew was that if he stopped wrestling bears, he would die. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

Curiously, it is hard not to be a little optimistic about the future for Zimbabwe (as nobody at all calls it yet, except in political speeches). The fear is not that there will be mass slaughter of the whites, followed by their flight to South Africa and the collapse of the economy, but that the need to retain white confidence may mean that the blacks are badly disappointed. ~ Simon Hoggart

When I first arrived in beautiful Zimbabwe, it was difficult to understand that 35 percent of the population is HIV positive. It really wasn't until I was invited to the homes of people that I started to understand the human toll of the epidemic. ~ Kristen Ashburn

If you print money like in Zimbabwe ... the purchasing power of money goes down, and the standards of living go down, and eventually, you have a civil war. ~ Marc Faber

I will not mince words. There's been enough mincing for one day. Therefore, I shall ask my question bluntly: How does a man know that his body has been turned inside out? ... His eyes can see the back of his skull with an alarming clarity. I am told it hurts like hell. Especially when he refuses to explain why he has been investigating the hangman's replacement ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

... the only difference between carnivores and plants is that the latter eat meat through 'translator' organisms. Maggots and bacteria 'pre-chew' dead animal matter, which plants then absorb as nutrients. So if eating pre-chewed food does not change the fact that a baby is human, why should a plant be any less of a carnivore because it out-sources the digestion of animal protein to organisms of decay? ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

Some lucky people can be funny without half trying because they actually look funny, because acting funny is in their bones - fun as funny, not funny as crude slapstick. ~ F. Sionil Jose

If you'd like to meet some fully realized characters while learning some specifics of Zimbabwe's postcolonial struggles, as I did, you're likely to come away with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction. If you're willing to settle for first-rate writing and provocative meditations on memory, corruption and loss, they are all here in abundance. ~ Jabari Asim

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it. ~ Bob Newhart

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~ Steven Wright

Remember one thing as South Africa prepares to go to the polls this week and the world grapples with the ascendancy of the African National Congress leader Jacob Zuma: South Africa is not Zimbabwe.
In South Africa, no one doubts that Wednesday's elections will be free and fair. While there is an unacceptable degree of government corruption, there is no evidence of the wholesale kleptocracy of Robert Mugabe's elite. While there has been the abuse of the organs of state by the ruling ANC, there is not the state terror of Mugabe's Zanu-PF. And while there is a clear left bias to Zuma's ANC, there is no suggestion of the kind of voluntarist experimentation that has brought Zimbabwe to its knees. ~ Mark Gevisser

Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Dada first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

The girl had a special way of saying "anything". The gods had blessed her voice with a special monopoly. It delivered an acoustic chocolate that was laced with all flavours of euphoria. The substance led to surges in testosterone in all types of men, including the average botanist. "Anything." The way she handled the word endowed it with so many possibilities. Professor Khupe decided to investigate how many of these Ketiwe would let him explore. To his delight the parameters of the word had proven to be quite elastic. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

They had become a nation of traders. ~ Petina Gappah

I always was a funny guy, the class clown. I had a very funny dad and an extremely funny grandmother. ~ Charlie Day

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. ~ Carroll Bryant

It's really easy to be funny. You get a lot of funny people in a room, the show is funny. ~ Jill Soloway

When a group of people are forced to navigate a minefield together, everyone feels a grudging sense of comfort when someone else gets blown up. Though there may be other unseen landmines left in the ground, each death creates a safe spot. A landmine cannot explode twice in the same place. Sure, the explosion robs the survivors of a comrade. Still, each death makes everyone's next step marginally safer. So everyone keeps walking with grief on their faces, and relief in their hearts. Their own deaths are further postponed by the end of another life. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

If these walls could talk, the buildings would stutter, wouldn't remember their names. ~ NoViolet Bulawayo

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. ~ Al Franken

I find Anders very funny and funny lasts forever." Samantha ~ Angela Nicoara

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

being funny is actually all about thinking "what if ?" in a creative way. ~ Shashankbisht

I'm not funny. People assume that because my books are funny, I'll be funny in real life. It's the inevitable disappointment of meeting me. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Abel Muranda fought off furious red ants with mandibles that could cut through a miser's padlock. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

[L]ife is one big jest at the expense of humanity. -
'The Mupondawana Dancing Champion ~ Petina Gappah

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. ~ Regina Griffin

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous. ~ Nobita Nobi

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

Zimbabwe has far fewer tourists than South Africa or Kenya, and there's less crime as well. ~ Nicholas Kristof

I like funny things, but I don't find myself particularly funny. ~ Chris Messina

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! ~ Regina Griffin

I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I don't think you can try to be funny. Some people are just funny. ~ Christopher Walken

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first. ~ Robert Mugabe

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything. ~ Steve Martin

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny. ~ Maya Rudolph

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ~ Tracey Ullman

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself. ~ Chris Rock

When you don't have a laugh track, you can make the clothes funny. We can make a sign funny. We can make the way somebody walks funny. The makeup can be funny. ~ Mitchell Hurwitz

I have funny bones. If there's ever any kind of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up. ~ Matt LeBlanc

Each heartbreak is a little death, all the same. ~ Petina Gappah

You can't fight an evil disease with sweet medicine,' says the ng'anga. ~ Panashe Chigumadzi

The poor always live on debt. At this point, time is the only thing I still have the credibility to borrow. ~ Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

Making modern games funny would be easy as pie if it was anybody's goal to actually make a funny game. ~ Doug TenNapel

I grew up with an extremely funny dad, and my mom is super funny. ~ Paula Pell

You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! ~ Bill Maher

But I think once the word gets out that the movie is funny - funny is transcendent - it will traverse all demographic barriers if people embrace it as a funny movie. ~ Thomas Haden Church

When we shot "Cry Freedom," I wasn't even allowed in South Africa. They told me I could come but I wasn't going to leave. I had heavy death threats at that time. So we shot in Zimbabwe.In 1995, I had the privilege and the honor to meet Desmond Tutu and Nelson Mandela the same day: I had breakfast with Desmond Tutu and lunch with Nelson Mandela. Then I had the good fortune to have Mr. Mandela actually come to my house in California.here's been a tremendous amount of change. ~ Denzel Washington

This is a story of Africa. A pioneer woman's journey north was merely the beginning. ~ Jeffrey Whittam

Instead he was grabbing at whatever was available in this system that no longer held the old predictable relationship between effort and result as true ~ Panashe Chigumadzi

The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy. ~ Tommy Chong

There are no funny lawyers - only funny people who made a career mistake. ~ Robert J. White

Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood. ~ Paul O'Grady

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny. ~ Alan King

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny. ~ Mark Russell

I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them. ~ Trevor Noah

I come from a long line of miserable people. ~ Arlene Schindler

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny. ~ Ken Dodd

Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing. ~ Helen Rowland

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn't like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton. ~ Jay Leno

I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented. ~ Julie Brown

You think you're funny." "Oh, I know I'm funny. Unappreciated, but funny. ~ Jim Butcher

When something is truly funny, it's funny all the time. ~ Cloris Leachman

I wasn't particularly funny in high school, but I grew up with three older brothers who were quite funny. ~ Ryan Stiles

Some actors try to play parts and do things they can't do. Being funny is one of them. Being funny's hard. ~ Tom Sizemore