Funny Life Quotes

Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right. ~ Orson Scott Card

It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke. ~ Maureen Johnson

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle. ~ Kenny D. Eichenberg

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. ~ Thomas Paine

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. ~ Albert Einstein

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. ~ Josh Billings

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. ~ Walter Matthau

Life is funny. Life isn't categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don't know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or ... I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know ~ Jennifer Aniston

Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart. ~ Ross Perot

Life is short. Ricky and I realize how lucky we were. We want to be together all the time. ~ Christie Brinkley

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ~ Woody Allen

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. ~ Groucho Marx

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it. ~ Hunter S. Thompson

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. ~ Mark Twain

Serenity of spirit and turbulence of action should make up the sum of a man's life. ~ Vita Sackville-West

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came. ~ Peter De Vries

My problem is that my body acts before my brain thinks ... it sometimes brings me huge trouble, or also huge success. recently, my body and brain got come to an agreement. it may be far better to live this gambling life than living in boring average ... they at least make my art more interesting ~ Hiroko Sakai

If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell. ~ David Cook

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer. ~ Lance Armstrong

Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material. ~ Cathy Guisewite

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ~ Tracey Ullman

A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again. ~ Monica Seles

The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it. ~ Josh Billings

First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby ... I guarantee you. ~ Clint Eastwood

He has a heart of gold - only harder. ~ Adolphe Menjou

I think out of seven billion people, there is probably more than just one soul mate. Surely, the paid employee in charge of each person's love life has taken into account the possibility of fatal snake bites and heavy falling objects. ~ Augusten Burroughs

Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do. ~ Russell Brand

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn't have the heart to tell my father. ~ Holly Hood

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. ~ Casey Stengel

I think I'm too cynical for L.A. My sense of humor doesn't go down well here, which probably affects my love life. I need to have a laugh track following me around so people know I'm trying to be funny. ~ Teddy Thompson

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. ~ Sam Ewing

I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time. ~ Sandra Chami Kassis

Sometimes the smartest thing to do is to feign ignorance. ~ Zack W. Van

And what have you been up to? she asked.
Oh, I don't know really, I said. Not much. Learning how to be a good loser. ~ Miriam Toews

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. ~ Steven Wright

Let us be absolutely truthful for once in our life. We human beings are basically assholes. As time goes by, some of us become a little better - a rascal. But most of us live and die as we were, and are. Plain-simply, assholes. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. ~ Brooke Shields

But sometimes there's a difference between being needed and being taken advantage of. ~ Lindsey Kelk

Not everyone who stares likes us; we may look weird enough to get everyone's attention. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~ Steven Wright

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance. ~ Antonio Porchia

The movement of life has to rest in its own music. ~ Rabindranath Tagore

Funny is funny is funny. ~ Bob Newhart

I'm in no condition to drive ... wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk! ~ Yogi Berra

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. ~ Richard Lewis

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. ~ Erma Bombeck

It's unbearable when someone changes around you. Just imagine that your life partner changes, then it is difficult to cope with. Or your mother. Or your father. They were strong and now they're like a baby - it's not so funny. ~ Michael Haneke

Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony. ~ Lou Reed

I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life. ~ Screamin' Jay Hawkins

If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay. ~ Tom Hanks

Life ... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. ~ Douglas Adams

These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ~ Margaret Atwood

It is an undisputed truth of the modern age that there are now only two kinds of people in the world: people who call and people who text. ~ Lindsey Kelk

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up. ~ Charles M. Schulz

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are. ~ Jim Steinman

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die. ~ Bill Watterson

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I thanked the lucky stars for my great metabolism, because Karsen had showed me pictures of her mom once and it was scary the transformation she underwent after popping three kids out. She went from a small, dainty beauty to a giant pineapple blob of a body. ~ Holly Hood

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time. ~ John Barrymore

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it's one damn thing over and over. ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails. ~ Jonathan Swift

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. ~ Erma Bombeck

I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world. ~ Mindy Kaling

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. ~ Janet Coleman

Nona I don't think your allowed to smoke in here.
Nona exhaled a large cloud of smoke.
Nona keeps their lights on. A little smoke won't hurt them. ~ Holly Hood

You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change. ~ John Cleese

The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not. ~ Paulo Coelho

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't. ~ Woody Allen

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them. ~ Lawrence Welk

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. ~ W. H. Auden

She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late. ~ Sophie Kinsella

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

It's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it. ~ Gabrielle Roy

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. ~ W.C. Fields

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. ~ Shunryu Suzuki

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Life is short and progress is slow. ~ Gabriel Lippmann

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone. ~ Andy Rooney

The word "future" and females is a dangerous combination. ~ Chetan Bhagat

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. ~ Jay London

You're thinking really loudly. ~ Emma Mills

Life is a gamble, at terrible odds. If it were a bet you wouldn't take it. ~ Tom Stoppard

The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting. ~ Plutarch

...you can't eat a grub, man. You'd be depriving that young moth of its life goal of bashing into a lightbulb all night. ~ Cutter Nick

I happen to be very good with younger actors because I have extremely vivid memories of that time of my life, and kids are just funny. ~ David M. Evans

It is more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. ~ H.L. Mencken

You can find tea in a tea cup.. but cannot find world in a world cup. ~ Arjuna Ranatunga

Jesse Tyler Ferguson is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Everything the kid does is funny. I think he tunes his life to being funny. ~ Jesse L. Martin

What you discover about life's shell game is that it's hardest to follow the pea when you're the pea. ~ Robert Breault

They are born, put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go to what is called "work" in a box, where they sit in their cubicle box; they drive to the grocery store in a box to buy food in a box; they talk about thinking "outside the box"; and when they die they are put in a box. ~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

I made the choice long ago to write about real life. And life is both serious and funny. ~ Paula Danziger

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. ~ Woody Allen

Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others. ~ Confucius

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~ Erma Bombeck

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life. ~ Anne Lamott

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member ~ Groucho Marx

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing. ~ Andy Borowitz

I wish I had the nerve not to tip. ~ Paul Lynde