Funny Mother Quotes

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit? ~ Chris Rock

We're blessed on 'How I Met Your Mother' to feel like we're doing a bit of a funny playlet everyday. ~ Neil Patrick Harris

My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty. ~ Ian Hislop

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.' ~ Russell Howard

Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Dada first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother. ~ Dave Barry

If my kids were to make a talking doll of me as a mother, one of my recorded phrases would be 'I will throw that in the trash.' 'If you don't put that down right now, I will throw that in the trash.' It's very funny to hear myself say certain things - like noticing which phrases become the most popular to use. ~ Justine Bateman

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?' ~ Natasha Leggero

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' ~ Les Dawson

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. ~ Paula Poundstone

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. ~ Henny Youngman

My mother was a nurse, and in her era, most diseases weren't understood; people put mustard plasters on knees and rubbed camphor on your chest if you had a cough and did funny things to you if you had tuberculosis - all these things that really made very little difference once proper treatments were brought in. ~ Barry Marshall

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. ~ Wendy Liebman

My mother raised her eyebrow, and murmured, And to think I was always worried that you didn't have any friends. I suppose I should have been counting my blessings. ~ Patricia Briggs

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. ~ Groucho Marx

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it. ~ Bill Cosby

It's funny. I thought she'd live through anything."
Charlie said, "Me too. I figured even if there was a nuclear war, it would still leave radioactive cockroaches and your mum. ~ Neil Gaiman

Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay Gaol, which in those days was still in use and heavily populated by larcenous young men who had chosen their parents less wisely. ~ Clive James

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?" ~ Bill Bailey

Nobody can misunderstand a boy like his own mother. Mothers at present can bring children into the world, but this performance is apt to mark the end of their capacities. They can't even attend to the elementary animal requirements of their offspring. It is quite surprising how many children survive in spite of their mothers. ~ Norman Douglas

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. ~ Angie Dickinson

My father was on the faculty in the Chemistry Department of Harvard University; my mother had one year of graduate work in physics before her marriage. ~ Kenneth G. Wilson

I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. ~ Bill Watterson

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew." ~ Kirk Douglas

Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level. ~ Quentin Crisp

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick ... " And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that. ~ Bill Cosby

"Well," said my aunt, "this is his boy - his son. He would be as like his father as it's possible to be, if he was not so like his mother, too." ~ Charles Dickens

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. ~ Paul Simon

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' ~ Naomi Campbell

That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop. ~ Brendan Behan

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since. ~ Chic Murray

My father, who was from a wealthy family and highly educated, a lawyer, Yale and Columbia, walked out with the benefit of a healthy push from my mother, a seventh grade graduate, who took a typing course and got a secretarial job as fast as she could. ~ George Weinberg

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood. ~ Will Rogers

My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay. ~ Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day. ~ Jay Leno

Samuel thought how his father married to his mother was like a spoon married to a garbage disposal. ~ Nathan Hill

Himself, and her mother had been a great beauty who cared only to go to parties and amuse herself with gay people. She had not wanted a little girl at all, and when Mary was born she handed her over to the care of an Ayah, who was made to understand that if she wished to please the Mem Sahib she must keep the child out of sight as much as possible. So when ~ Frances Hodgson Burnett

There are a lot of funny things that happen in one's life. ~ Pierce Brosnan

A large part of how an actor works and their process is the stimulation of what's around you, and none more so than in a period piece. This is a modern piece, as much as it is set in a different time, age and myth. If it wasn't relevant, it wouldn't have been made and we wouldn't be putting our energy into it. It's relevant for us today because, in some ways, it throws up a mirror to all of us. As an actor, you get stimulus and you're effected by that, whether it's costumes or funny beards or castles. ~ Joseph Fiennes

Funny thing is, I didn't feel the least bit of sympathy for her ass. Had she taught her son what the fuck it meant when a woman says no, he wouldn't have turned out to be the way that he is. ~ Diamond Johnson

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Never underestimate the fury of an angry mother, Caspar. They're the most vicious creatures in the world. ~ Elizabeth Hunter

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' ~ Demetri Martin

Dig deep, deep, my soul, to find the heart
the blood, the heat, the shrine and resting place. Dig deep, deep into the moist soil all the way to where they lie, those I love
she, Mother, with her dark hair loose and gone, her bones long since tumbled in the back of the vault, as other coffins came to rest in her spot, but in this dream I range them round me to hold as if she were there ... ~ Anne Rice

Mom's note on the dining room table to me and Faith read:
Daughters of mine,
In case you haven't noticed, no one has seen the top of our dining room table in months. I seem to recall it is oak, but as the days dwindle by, I'm less and less sure. Perhaps this is because your school books, files, papers, magazines, letters, underwear, etc., are shielding it from normal use. My goal for you, dear offspring, to be accomplished in twenty-four hours (no excuses), is the clearing/exhuming of this space so that we may gather around it once again and spend quality time. Even though I am working the night shift, I will still be watching. Do it or die.
Your loving mother ~ Joan Bauer

I also have a feeling your mother's going to have a very ugly conversation with me." – Dimitri ~ Richelle Mead

Love is not a real-world limit: the mother of nine children can love each of them as much as the mother of an only child. ~ Dossie Easton

So this is why I write. Because most times, your life isn't funny the first time through. Most times, you can hardly stand it. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny. ~ Ben Stein

He was swaying back and forth with their daughter gazing adoringly into his face from the cradle of his arms. "I'm going to do my best to make sure your life is awesome, but it won't always be. Those are the times you need to dance in the kitchen the most. It's good for your soul."
Beth sighed and leaned her head against the corner of the wall, as enchanted as Lily by the soft, tender timbre of his voice.
"You don't even need music," he told Lily. "You can dance to the music in your head. Hopefully not to that country-and-western shit your mother listens to, though. Oh ... damn. Don't say shit, Lily-bean. Or if you do and Mommy hears you, don't tell her you heard it from me, okay? Tell her Uncle Mike said it. ~ Shannon Stacey

I've always made a point of playing parts where weight has nothing to do with it, and not just weight but looks. It's about being funny and being interesting, and I think there are a lot more interesting things to play than being overweight. ~ Sarah Baker

When Patanjali says "non-attachment", he is not anti-love. Really, he is for love. Non-attachment means be natural, loving, flowing, but don't get obsessed and addicted. Addiction is the problem. Then it is like a disease. You cannot love anybody except your child - this is addiction. Then you will be in misery. Your child can die; then there is no possibility for your love to flow. Even if your child is not going to die, he will grow. And the more he grows, the more he will become independent. And then there will be pain. Every mother suffers, every father suffers. ~ Rajneesh

The real question today is not when human life begins, but, what is the value of human life? The abortionist who reassembles the arms and legs of a tiny baby to make sure all its parts have been torn from its mother's body can hardly doubt whether it is a human being. The real question for him and for all of us is whether that tiny human life has a God-given right to be protected by the law - the same right we have. ~ Ronald Reagan

I believe I'm done for," said Tom. "The cussed sneaking dog, to leave me to die alone! My poor old mother always told me 'twould be so. ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

I remember the day I started school; my mother's tears as I skipped away; birthdays with candles on the cake, too soon too many abandoned for the mess they made. ~ Francis Norris, 1st Earl Of Berkshire

Worship isn't destructive, Martin. I know that.
I don't. I only know it's the core of his life. What else has he got? He can hardly read. He knows no physics or engineering to make to world real for him. No paintings to show him how others have enjoyed it. No music except television jingles. No history except tales from a desperate mother. No friends. Not one kid to give him a joke, or make him know himself more moderately. He's a modern citizen for whom society doesn't exist. ~ Peter Shaffer

For a man who thought it was okay to threaten a little girl and her mother? There was no second chance. ~ Eve Langlais

The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

If her father had never truly recognized his daughter, then had he remembered his wife wrong as well? What is everything he'd ever told her about her mother was only how he'd seen her, not how she truly was. ~ Melissa Bashardoust

Let's play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie. ~ Natalya Vorobyova

The aim of education is to develop resources in the child that will contribute to his well-being as long as life endures; to develop power of self-mastery that he may never be a slave to indulgence or other weaknesses, to develop [strong] manhood, beautiful womanhood that in every child and every youth may be found at least the promise of a friend, a companion, one who later may be fit for husband or wife, an exemplary father or a loving intelligent mother, one who can face life with courage, meet disaster with fortitude, and face death without fear. ~ David O. McKay

You'll pay for making Genos look like modern art! Lead the way! ~ ONE

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. ~ Albert Einstein

but the soul of a woman emits an energy men will never comprehend. We (women) are the magnets that pull existence together, from the core of the family, to the network of acquaintances you'll make. We all exchange the flow of love on what we call Mother earth, with her gravitational pull keeping us all grounded. You'll notice all encapsulating existences, and even vessels, are given a feminine gender. The earth and her land masses, the oceans and the seas, and ships, for instance. All are referred to as female entities. ~ Darren Hogarth

All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, 'Oh, why can't you remain like this for ever!' This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up. You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end. ~ J.M. Barrie

For some reason she found that Allan Harrington's attitude of absolute detachment made the whole affair seem much easier for her. And when Mrs. Harrington slipped a solitaire diamond into her hand as she went, instead of disliking it she enjoyed its feel on her finger, and the flash of it in the light. She thanked Mrs. Harrington for it with real gratitude. But it made her feel more than ever engaged to marry her mother-in-law. ~ Margaret Widdemer

You are a very sharp-tongued little girl," mother said, looking up at me. I am two inches taller than she is.

"Unless you learn to curb yourself, there will be no parties for you, and no party dresses."

This was the speach [sic] that broke the Camel's back. I could endure no more.

"I think," I said, "that I shall get married and end everything."

Need I explain that I had no serious intention of taking the fatal step? But it was not deliberate mendasity[sic]. It was Despair. ~ Mary Roberts

Looking back now, success seems foreordained. It wasn't. No colonists in the history of the world had defeated their mother country on the battlefield to win their independence. Few republics had managed--or even attempted--to govern an area bigger than a city-state. Somehow, in defiance to all precedent, Washington, Hamilton, and the other founders pulled off both.
Their deliriously unlikely success--first as soldiers, then as statesmen--tends to obscure the true lessons of the American Revolution. The past places no absolute limit on the future. Even the unlikeliest changes can occur. But change requires hope--in the case of both those unlikely victories, the hope that the American people could defy all expectation to overcome their differences and set each other free.
in the summer of 1788, Alexander Hamilton carried this message to Poughkeepsie, where he pleaded with New York's leaders to trust in the possibilities of the union, and vote to ratify the new federal Constitution. Yes, he conceded, the 13 newborn states included many different kinds of people. But this did not mean that the government was bound to fail. It took an immigrant to fully understand the new nation, and to declare a fundamental hope of the American experiment: Under wise government, these diverse men and women "will be constantly assimilating, till they embrace each other, and assume the same complexion. ~ Jeremy McCarter

Hymn
At morn- at noon- at twilight dim-
Maria! thou hast heard my hymn!
In joy and woe- in good and ill-
Mother of God, be with me still!
When the hours flew brightly by,
And not a cloud obscured the sky,
My soul, lest it should truant be,
Thy grace did guide to thine and thee;
Now, when storms of Fate o'ercast
Darkly my Present and my Past,
Let my Future radiant shine
With sweet hopes of thee and thine! ~ Edgar Allan Poe

You want me to do what?"
Joe stretched out on the battered leather couch in his office and tried not to laugh at the tone of horrified shock in his agent's voice. "Dinner date. Reporter from Spotlight Magazine. You heard right."
"Did that Deschanel bitch kidnap one of the kids? Threaten your mother? I know people, Joe. I can take care of this for you. ~ Shannon Stacey

Love is a funny thing; there's the kind that's like you're five and you're looking up at your Mum's face as she reads you a bedtime story.

Then there's the kind that makes you nervous and twists in your stomach.

Then there's the kind that makes you feel like you're holding everything of worth in your hands. ~ L.C. Smith