Funny Men Quotes

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it. ~ Bob Newhart

Behind every successful woman, there's a big prick. ~ James Patterson

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. ~ Gloria Steinem

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up. ~ Dave Barry

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. ~ Mark Twain

It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. ~ Oscar Wilde

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. ~ Joan Rivers

Every animal leaves traces of what it was; man alone leaves traces of what he created. ~ Jacob Bronowski

Money is what makes a man act funny. ~ Eminem

Men can beat each other to a pulp and still walk away friends. With a woman, once an enemy, always an enemy. Women will sit like a spider, for years, waiting for the chance to strike. They never forget and seldom forgive. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. ~ Elayne Boosler

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ~ Henny Youngman

During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one. ~ Jerry Stiller

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. ~ Fred Allen

When a man plays a woman in a dress, you're halfway there. It's inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it's not that instant kind of funny. ~ Tina Fey

What happened?" Wyatt asked Crystal, and stood back so the two of them could come inside out of the oppressive heat.
"Why are you asking her?" Reed thumped past him. "I'm the one on crutches."
"She'll tell me the truth," Wyatt said. "You'll just give me some bullshit story that will end with 'You should see the other guy'."
"You wound me, bro" [Reed]
"He tore his ACL the day before yesterday trying to do a stunt on a skateboard." [Crystal]
"Mendoza dared him." [Luke Colter]
"No one held a gun to the fool's head" [Mendoza] ~ Cindy Gerard

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was made from his funny bone. ~ James M. Barrie

Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly. ~ Eugene Ormandy

I'm not a naturally funny man. I find that I can only be funny, if I become someone else. ~ Rowan Atkinson

I want to go out with my friends and have a laugh. It's funny: you always attract men when you don't want them - you'll go out, and they'll want your number, while you're left thinking, 'Where were you when I wanted a boyfriend?' ~ Rebecca Ferguson

Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a country, he thought despairingly. In Russia you always knew. If a man made a stern face he was threatening; if he was laughing uproariously, he was joking. ~ George Mikes

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible. ~ Bernard M. Baruch

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. ~ Dave Barry

For years, I was either referred to as a 'rubber-faced funny man' or 'the 'Men Behaving Badly' star.' ~ Martin Clunes

And there's the man in the green flag! ~ Murray Walker

Jack Lemmon is my best friend and he's a very wonderful actor. A very talented, very funny man. A lovely man. We're like brothers! We are gifts to each other. He's such a fun personality. There will only ever be one Jack Lemmon. ~ Tony Curtis

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do. ~ Graham Norton

Now as through this world I ramble, I see lots of funny men, Some rob you with a six gun, And some with a fountain pen. ~ Woody Guthrie

Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle. ~ Steve Coogan

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. ~ Steve Martin

I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving is an extension of their masculinity; they have little fantasy scenarios going all the time - races, chases, and dramatic combat with other drivers. Females, on the other hand, generally seem to view driving as something you do to get somewhere. I know, crazy. ~ Tad Williams

I don't have a type looks-wise, but all my exes have been funny, open-minded and ambitious. I can't stand men with no passion in life. ~ Kathryn Prescott

In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs ~ Francois Truffaut

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright. ~ Lucille Ball

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. ~ Madonna Ciccone

I am two lesbians in a man's body. ~ Eddie Izzard

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. ~ H.L. Mencken

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat. ~ Emo Philips

This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs. ~ Dan Quayle

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon. ~ Carol Leifer

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. ~ Mae West

No man knows he is young while he is young. ~ G.K. Chesterton

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Old man with an old phone. That's never not funny. ~ Adam McKay

When I lost my decathlon world record I took it like a man. I only cried for ten hours. ~ Daley Thompson

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe. ~ James Joyce

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. ~ Rita Rudner

It is not funny that a man should be killed, but it is sometimes funny that he should be killed for so little, and that his death should be the coin of what we call civilization. ~ Raymond Chandler

By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. ~ Confucius

I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing. ~ Emma Bunton

A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers. ~ Samuel Butler

A poor creature who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering. ~ Thomas Carlyle

My money goes to my agent, then to my accountant and from him to the tax man. ~ Glenda Jackson

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. ~ Rowan Atkinson

Your next-door neighbor is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. ~ Fred Allen

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. ~ Elayne Boosler

Most visions of extraterrestrial life are actually steeped in human hubris. The fictional extraterrestrials of 'Star Trek' or a hundred other space operas are less alien than many of my neighbors. And funny, the ones running the place are mostly WASPish men. ~ Nathan Myhrvold

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. ~ Daniel Tosh

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. ~ William Shakespeare

I'm obsessed with sparkle for men. It's so funny watching people's reaction to a disco-ball shoe! ~ Brad Goreski

I don't know if there is a gene for comedy, but my dad was a very funny man. He just didn't know it. He was a naturally funny character, and when my brother and I would laugh at things he said and did, he would say, 'What do you think is so funny?' ~ James Belushi

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there. ~ Bill Madlock

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived. ~ Herbert Samuel

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. ~ George Carlin

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved. ~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ~ Mitch Hedberg

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

The fact that the Kardashians could be more popular than a show like 'Mad Men' is disgusting. It's a super disgusting part of our culture, but I still find it funny to make a joke about it. ~ Jonah Hill

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. ~ George W. Bush

A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker. ~ Conan O'Brien

Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president. ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes. ~ Dave Barry

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

You've got a man-beast, and a ho-beast. ~ Chris Jericho

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress." ~ Greg Giraldo

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. ~ Sue Grafton

A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation. ~ Stephen Crane

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are. ~ Chauncey Depew

The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment. ~ Dwayne Johnson

Man who stands on toilet, gets high on pot! ~ Katharine Hepburn

Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies. ~ Jane Austen

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style. ~ Garry Shandling

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands ~ Jerry Lewis

Women like silent men. They think they're listening. ~ Marcel Achard

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son. ~ Gertrude Stein

I wrote an entire movie [Man up] about how important I think voices are, so it was funny. ~ Lake Bell

Men are just like a book - with a beginning, middle and an end. ~ Pamela Anderson

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man. ~ Frank Carson

Again Creb grunted. It was the usual noncommittal comment used by men when responding to a woman. It carried only enough meaning to indicate the woman had been understood, without acknowledging too much significance in what she said. ~ Jean M. Auel

Man is the inventor of stupidity. ~ Remy De Gourmont

Trouble and pain were what kept a man alive. Or trying to avoid trouble and pain. It was a full time job. ~ Charles Bukowski

He who is surety is never sure himself. Take advice, and never be security for more than you are quite willing to lose. Remember the word of the wise man: He that is surety for a stranger shall smart for it; and he that hateth suretyship is sure. ~ Charles Spurgeon

Of all kinds of credulity, the most obstinate is that of party-spirit; of men, who, being numbered, they know not why, in any party, resign the use of their own eyes and ears, and resolve to believe nothing that does not favor those whom they profess to follow. ~ Samuel Johnson

Workers in the bourgeois countries must fight for equal rights for men and women. ~ Nadezhda Krupskaya

Good God, Miss Butterfield," Lord Jarret said. "Don't tell me you read Minerva's Gothic horrors."
"They're not Gothic horrors!" Maria protested. "They're wonderful books! And yes, I've read every single one, more than once."
"Well, that explains a few things," Oliver remarked. "I suppose I have my sister to thank for turning a sword on me at the brothel."
Lord Gabriel laughed. "You took a sword to old Oliver? Oh, God, that's rich!"
Lord Jarret sipped some wine. "At least the mystery of the 'weapons at her disposal' is now solved."
"He was misbehaving," Maria said, with a warning glance for Oliver. Did he want them to know everything, for pity's sake? "He left me no choice."
"Oh, Maria's always doing things like that," Freddy said through a mouth full of eel. "That's why we won't teach her to shoot. She always goes off half-cocked."
Maria thrust out her chin. "A woman has to stand up for herself."
"Hear, hear!" Lady Celia raised her goblet of wine to Maria. "Don't mind these clod-pates. What can you expect from a group of men? They would prefer we let them run roughshod over us."
"No, we wouldn't," Lord Gabriel protested. "I like a woman with a little fire. Of course, I can't speak for Oliver-"
"I assure you, I rarely feel the need to run roughshod over a woman," Oliver drawled. An arch smile touched his lips as his gaze locked with Maria's. "I've kissed one or two when they weren't prepared for it, but every man does that."
Sabrina Jeffries