Jokes Quotes

I don't like to joke about dating. ~ Jen Kirkman

If you find you are not understanding my explaination for a joke, hit F5 on your browser and the page will refresh and I will explain it again. ~ Ryan North

I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there. ~ Donald Glover

Octavia Spencer rocks. But just as a human being, she's so down-to-earth. Talk about being pleasantly surprised. You walk onto set, and she's making these jokes, and she's playing around with the cast and the crew, and she invited all to her house for a dinner party. She's just a genuinely good person. ~ Ciara Bravo

Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them. ~ Melinda Chapman

I'll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying. ~ Kanye West

I think one artist to another artist, the best compliment you can pay one another, because the part of you that is inspired or creates something, to write a joke or a song, that's like the God-like part of a person. ~ Dave Chappelle

Just then Antonio, his two guards, his two Pit Bulls, Sebastian, and a strange, tall Keja bloke who had long white-grey hair and a matching long beard entered.
That's Luther, Jared informed me. He's Antonio's Advisor.
Someone should tell him that he's not living in the film Lord of the Rings.
Jared coughed to hide his giggle. ~ Suzanne Wrightt

There's no amount of money that makes you feel better when people think of you as a joke or a hack or a failure or ugly or stupid or morally empty. ~ Patrick Stump

Dear Dan, I recently attended one of your lectures, and I was wondering why an Israeli guy telling Jewish jokes is wearing an Indian shirt?
D.A.: In general I am not someone who should be asked for fashion advice, but this particular case might be the one exception ... My solution? I figured that as long as I am wearing clothes from a different culture, no one is politically correct (and this includes almost everyone in the United States ) could complain that I'm underdressed. After all, any such critic could be offending a whole subcontinent. ~ Dan Ariely

All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us. ~ Yahoo Serious

It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke. ~ Maureen Johnson

As a host, Lincoln was "never at a loss as to the subjects that please the different classes of visitors and there is a certain quaintness and originality about all he has to say, so that one cannot help feeling interested. His 'talk' is not brilliant," Villard observed. "His phrases are not ceremoniously set, but pervaded with a humorousness and, at times, with a grotesque joviality, that will always please. I think it would be hard to find one who tells better jokes, enjoys them better and laughs oftener than Abraham Lincoln. ~ Harold Holzer

E-13 No wonder it makes a man blush. No wonder a real true preacher look upon his congregation and try to lead them before the throne of God, and visit their homes and find them smoking cigarettes, telling dirty jokes to each other, entertaining in the back yard with beer parties, walking around on the streets, their young women, and middle age, and so forth, and even grandmother with little shorts on. Mother out on the street with a baby on one arm, dressed sexy enough to attract the attention of any bootlegger that walked the street, and calling themselves Christians? It would make any true man of God blush to bring such a person in the Presence of God. Right. ( "A Blushing Prophet" Preached on Sunday evening, 25th November 1956 at the Branham Tabernacle in Jeffersonville, Indiana, U.S.A. - See Paragraph E-13 ). ~ William Marrion Branham

Workers of lungless labs- when dying
Will you be proud you were midwife
To implements exemplifying
Assaults against the heart of life?
You knew their purpose, yet you made them.
If you had scruples, you betrayed them.
What pastoral response acquits
Those who made ovens for Auschwitz?
Indeed it is said that the banality
Of evil is its greatest shock.
It jokes. It punches its time clock,
Plays with its kids. The triviality
Of slaughtering millions can't impinge
Upon its peace, or make it cringe. ~ Vikram Seth

I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. ~ Ronnie Wood

I've never been able to tell jokes. In the beginning of my career I did impressions and jokes like any other comedian, but I was never very successful because I did it poorly. So I started to talk to the audience and started talking about the atmosphere around me and started to become angry, not in a mean-spirited way, but in a fun way - and my attitude developed from there. ~ Don Rickles

I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold. ~ Bernhard Langer

Hey, Connor! Sorry I must have butt-dialed you. So, do you want to tell me how it felt being on my ass?" she laughed.

Ellery Black's BFF and her jokes. ~ Sandi Lynn

The announcement that you are going to tell a good story (and the chuckle that precedes it) is always a dangerous opening. ~ Margot Asquith

Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener. ~ Dick Masterson

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Here is a good joke. The little boy walks into an ice cream store, He asks for a sundae with extra hot fudge sauce. 'I'm sorry." says tje ice cream man. "Hot fudge only comes in one temperature." Mark, Florida ~ Susan Magsamen

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. ~ Daniel Tosh

I've always littered my songs with jokes. You might need to dig a little deeper to find the humor, but I would totally object to being some kind of distraught personality. I've never tried to attach myself to that. ~ Cass McCombs

Twitter is the place where I try to be more funny. And then I use Instagram just as my diary. I pull some jokes on there, but I think people have a better sense of humor on Twitter. ~ Gigi Hadid

Why was the meeting between the Americans and the Russians so tensed?
Because nobody knows what Vladimir Put In Barbara's Bush!
From 'Walk On By II ~ Stephan Attia

I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families. ~ Maria Shriver

I now have two different audiences. There's the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting. ~ Jackie Chan

I never cared so much about making perfect sense. I wanted to make perfect nonsense. I wanted to tell jokes, but I didn't give a fuck about the punchline. ~ Harmony Korine

This kind of pragmatism has become a hallmark of our psychological culture. In the mid-1990s, I described how it was commonplace for people to "cycle through" different ideas of the human mind as (to name only a few images) mechanism, spirit, chemistry, and vessel for the soul.14 These days, the cycling through intensifies. We are in much more direct contact with the machine side of mind. People are fitted with a computer chip to help with Parkinson's. They learn to see their minds as program and hardware. They take antidepressants prescribed by their psychotherapists, confident that the biochemical and oedipal self can be treated in one room. They look for signs of emotion in a brain scan. Old jokes about couples needing "chemistry" turn out not to be jokes at all. ~ Sherry Turkle

Where are we going?" Desandra asked.
"We're going to Blue Ribbon Stables," I said. "It's the closest place to rent a horse.
"Why?" Desandra asked.
"Because I can't keep up with you on foot," I said.
"And she runs like a rhino." Derek added. "You can hear her a mile away."
Traitor. "I thought you had my back?"
"I do," Derek said. "The rhino running is nice. Makes it easy to keep track of you. If I ever lose you, I just have to listen and there you are."
"Yes," Desandra agreed. "It's convenient."
I laughed.
"Are you always this casual?" Robert asked.
"Derek and I worked together for a long time," I told him. "He's allowed some leeway."
"What about Desandra?"
"She only bothers with protocol when she wants something. The rest of the time it's lewd jokes and descriptions of plums."
Desandra snickered.
Robert's eyebrows crept up. "Plums?"
I waved my hand. "Don't ask. ~ Ilona Andrews

When I look at my audience, I can tell better who's in the crowd and the kind of joke I shouldn't do. It's just complicated. I guess I sift through to make sure these jokes are a little different with not such a harsh edge to them. That's pretty much how I handle the crowd. ~ Larry The Cable Guy

Love: the sickest of Irony's sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. ~ Christopher Moore

He had a curiously stunted sense of humor and loved practical jokes that veered dangerously close to cruelty. Once on a hot day he filled a friend's water jug with kerosene and mirthfully stood by as the friend took a mighty swig. The friend ended up in the hospital. ~ Bill Bryson

The entire Quran is a big joke. If it was not so violent, it would be the biggest comic book ever written. ~ Ali Sina

There are things I've given up on
Like recording funny answering machine messages.
It's part of growing older
And the human race as a group has matured along the same lines.
It seems our comedy dates the quickest.
If you laugh out loud at Shakespeare's jokes
I hope you won't be insulted
if I say you're trying too hard.
Even sketches from the original Saturday Night Live
seem slow-witted and obvious now. ~ David Berman

I joke that I learned the essentials of storytelling from Hanna-Barbera, but I pretty much did. That kind of television is what enamored me as a kid, and that's what really got me hooked. You could say that's where it all began. ~ Kurt Sutter

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live. ~ Shannon L. Alder

I'm here to make people laugh and help them forget their troubles, too! So I just try to bring heart and bring jokes! ~ Matthew Moy

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. ~ Daniel Tosh

A true Englishman never jokes when he has a stake depending on the matter. ~ Jules Verne

Conversations and jokes together, mutual rendering of good services, the reading together of sweetly phrased books, the sharing of nonsense and mutual attentions. ~ Robertson Davies

First of all, Saddam did not win the war, even though he says he did, I mean, you know, that's a joke and everybody in the world knows it. ~ Norman Schwarzkopf

I have a problem with telling jokes about physics. Quite often the audience have no idea what you are talking about and, to be honest, I don't know what I'm talking about either. ~ Robin Ince

My joke is a picture of David Bowie on his balcony in the '70s in a suit in Paris, and unless that's you, I'm not interested. There are very few aesthetic types that I have, and people who look like that are not always necessarily good for me. ~ Jen Kirkman

People think computers are different from people because they don't have minds, even though, in the Turing test, computers can have conversations with people about the weather and wine and what Italy is like, and they can even tell jokes. ~ Mark Haddon

There can be a science to joke writing, there are certainly rules and patterns that can be followed, but I think most of the best comedy goes beyond the rules. ~ Robin Ince

I know we're not saints or virgins or lunatics; we know all the lust and lavatory jokes, and most of the dirty people; we can catch buses and count our change and cross the roads and talk real sentences. But our innocence goes awfully deep, and our discreditable secret is that we don't know anything at all, and our horrid inner secret is that we don't care that we don't. ~ Dylan Thomas

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub. ~ Jimmy Carr

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it. ~ Steve Martin

I remember on the pilot of 'Will and Grace' some executives from NBC saying to me, 'There are too many gay jokes.' I said, 'If not on this show, then what show?' ~ James Burrows

I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it - which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, 'There was a funny 'Simpson's' joke about that.' ~ Joss Whedon

I don't find the same things funny that many other people seem to find funny. I don't really respond to sex jokes and things like that. Some of my friends look at me and go, "Come on, Nic, that was my best joke. Why aren't you laughing?" I go, "I really don't know why I'm not laughing. I'm sort of out of sync with it." So I'd have to find something that was really about weird human behavior for me to laugh. ~ Nicolas Cage

[The people that worked on The Simpsons] just had good taste. They knew how to execute absurd jokes. ~ Eric Andre

My parents are really funny. Laughter was a big part of my childhood. Of course, they tell a lot of bad jokes - but so do I. I tell a lot of bad jokes. ~ Cecily Strong

instead of mourning, instead of a moment of silence or a hateful, islamophobic message, how about today we make the world a little brighter?
be kinder. be a little gentler, with yourself and others. take more pictures. tell more jokes. be a better human.
today is a lot more than a tragedy. today is a birthday. a day of suicide awareness. a wedding. a birth. a new job. today is a kiss and someone on a tarred over warehouse roof whispering about the day the earth stood still and the day it began spinning again.
be kind. just be kind. it's time we took this day back for the wild ones, for the fiery eyes, for the happy and the brave and the new. no more mourning. let it just be a sunday. ~ Taylor Rhodes

Fat-bashing in all its varied forms–criticism, exclusion, shaming, fat talk, self-deprecation, jokes, gossip, bullying–is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice. From a very young age, before they can walk away or defend themselves, women are taught that they are how they look, not what they do or what they know. (1) ~ Robyn Silverman

Ultimately, jokes are this really special thing that we can all share. It's exciting to have basically a thousand people in a room together that can laugh at the same time, but I think of it almost as, like, a religious experience. ~ Mike Birbiglia

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people. ~ Dave Barry

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. ~ Stephen Colbert

Similarly, he forgot - or never really understood - that we live in a culture where men, as a group, have more power than women.

This isn't a controversial statement, despite the protestations of guys who funnel their frustration that not all extremely young, conventionally attractive women want to sleep with them into and argument that women, as a group, have "all the power." (Bill Maher, repping for his fan base, famously jokes that men have to do all sorts of shit to get laid, but women only have to do "their hair.")

The really great thing about this argument is how the patently nonsensical premise - that some young women's ability to manipulate certain men equals a greater degree of gendered power than say, owning the presidency for 220-odd years - obscures the most chilling part: in this mindset, "all the power" means, simply, the power to withhold consent.

Let that sink in for a minute. If one believes women are more powerful that men because we own practically all of the vaginas, then women's power to withhold consent to sex is the greatest power there is.

Which means the guy who can take away a woman's right to consent is basically a superhero. Right? ~ Kate Harding

You see a lot of sketch variety shows where each segment is one joke that they repeat over and over and over again, and the sketches are always three or four minutes too long. ~ Eric Andre

First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you try and just do comedy about who is dating who and lifestyle jokes, it gets tiring after a while. It's hard to be funny in that realm. ~ Adam McKay

We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, "I've decided I want to be cremated." I said, "Alright, get your coat." ~ Dave Spikey

Either over neither, both over either/or, live-and-let-live over stand-or die, high spirits over low, energy over apathy, wit over dullness, jokes over homilies, good humor over jokes, good nature over bad, feeling over sentiment, truth over poetry, consciousness over explanations, tragedy over pathos, comedy over tragedy, entertainment over art, private over public, generosity over meanness, charity over murder, love over charity, irreplaceable over interchangeable, divergence over concurrence, principle over interest, people over principle. ~ Marvin Mudrick

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Its true. We did go in that room together and yes we were going to…you know… but Logan was so drunk. Like really drunk. He could barely see or walk or talk properly. But when he did all he kept talking about was you." Rose said somberly.
"Like what?" Sienna asked skeptically.

"At first about how much he hated you, how he hated your dad, and your mom, then he started saying how he hated the fact that you could throw a football better than half the guys, how you pretend you don't get dirty jokes when he knows you do, how you taste like strawberries and how he hates it when you smile 'cos when you do, it lights up the sky." She said sincerely. ~ Ali Harper

A lot of the jokes had some build-up to some nasty stuff. But most of it was all character situations leading to what the ultimate payoff would be for that character. ~ Shawn Wayans

I'm on Twitter a lot of the day because I really like Twitter. It's great for jokes. But when I'm writing, I can't do anything else. I can't even listen to music. I just have to write, and then I can do something else. I can't multitask. ~ Mallory Ortberg

My goal is to get on the national team. People joke that we'll be able to go to Beijing in 2008, but it's just jokes right now. Hopefully I'll be able to make it a reality. ~ Lindsay Thompson

I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel. ~ James C. Humes

I actually imagined 'Thunderbolts' as a straight-up comedy book in a lot of ways, like a very dark comedy book, whereas 'Red Lanterns' is more of a cosmic saga that has some jokes every once in a while. ~ Charles Soule

He jokes about this being a different and ridiculous timeline. Because why? Crazy awful stuff happening. Horrific shit has always happened, is always happening, and everywhere. And will happen, it won't stop. There aren't any other timelines and this one has always been a horror. ~ Paul Tremblay

They didn't have to be funny - they were father jokes. ~ Terry Pratchett

If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, it's just not going to ring true to the reader. That said, humor writing is the hardest kind of writing there is. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

Chennai is one of the scariest crowds to face. Everyone looks so conservative, but once you crack the first joke, they are so appreciatively loud that they will hit you with a laugh that will scare you stiff and yet give you energy. Chennaiites give me the loudest laughs; it's the coolest crowd to perform for. ~ Vir Das

It doesn't feel like you're preaching, if you can say something in a joke. ~ Martin McDonagh

The joke is the purest, most essential form of storytelling. Every word has to count. ~ Paul Auster

America has got to learn to take a joke. ~ Herman Cain

For generations comedians have made jokes about Scots-Irish in the South inter-breeding. "I am my own grandpa" and all that stuff; you know, because they all were marrying their first cousins. ~ Ishmael Reed

One day you're going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance. She won't even notice you because she's too busy laughing with the stupid jokes he makes. And it will burn your heart seeing that beautiful smile on her face and realizing that you're not the reason anymore. And then it will hit you: it was her, it was always her. ~ Elisabeth Van Den Abeele

I don't know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me ... anecdotes. But never a joke. ~ Lucille Ball

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it. ~ Bob Saget

I started to make a joke that I had an imaginary friend underneath the let-out couch named Binky. I would never talk to him; I would only use him as entertainment for other people. I knew they thought that children had imaginary friends, so I was like, "I don't really believe in imaginary friends, but I want to feel like I do." I used to make a joke, "My imaginary friend Binky says this," because I knew it would get a laugh out of them. ~ Keke Palmer

How many times in her thirty years had she heard the same remarks, the same feeble jokes about her name? ~ Haruki Murakami

In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons. ~ Will Smith

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze? ~ Daniel Tosh

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject. ~ Doug Benson

There were a great many jokes about the disaster (house falling on and killing Wicked Witch of the East), naturally. "You can't hide from desinty, that house had her name on it" "That Nessarose, she was giving such a good speech about religious lessons, she really brought down the house!" "Everybody needs to grow up and leave home sometimes, but sometimes HOME DOESN'T LIKE IT." "What's the different between a shooting star and a falling house?" "One which is propitious grants delicious wishes, the other which is vicious squishes witches." "What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce me? ~ Gregory Maguire

I call [fourth-wave feminism] fainting–couch feminism, a la the delicate Victorian ladies who retreated to an elegant chaise when overcome with emotion. As an equality feminist from the 1970s, I am dismayed by this new craze. Women are not children. We are not fragile little birds who can't cope with jokes, works of art, or controversial speakers. Trigger warnings and safe spaces are an infantilizing setback for feminism - and for women. ~ Christina Hoff Sommers

A man could shoot a squirrel out of a tree from a distance of sixty feet. But he couldn't vomit into a bucket or pee into a pot only two feet away. It was one of the great mysteries of life. ~ Maggie Osborne

I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society. ~ Johnny Depp

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them. ~ Brian P. Cleary

WHEN YOU CANNOT JOKE ABOUT THE DARKNESS OF LIFE, THAT'S WHEN THE DARKNESS TAKES OVER. ~ Amanda Palmer

Tom Moysten!" Mr. Larson yelled. "You're not paying attention!"
I whipped around in my chair and closed my sketchbook.
"Yes, I am," I said.
(Laughter.)
"Then tell me what I just said."
You know how sometimes you can repeat what someone just said even if you didn't really hear it at the time? Well, I couldn't. Not this time, anyway.
"You said I wasn't paying attention," I said.
(More laughter.)
Mr. Larson wasn't amused.
"Oh, a comedian," he said. "Perhaps you'd like to stand up here and tell a few jokes."
"No, thanks."
"Afraid to make a fool of yourself?" he asked.
"No, that's your job," I said.
(Long, loud laughter.) ~ Emily Rodda

Most of my favorite tweets go completely ignored but most of my favorite tweets are probably really lame or inside jokes between me and my [redacted]. See what I did there? ~ Roxane Gay

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do. ~ Greg Behrendt

That would never do, I'm sure,' said Alice: `the governess would never think of excusing me lessons for that. If she couldn't remember my name, she'd call me "Miss!" as the servants do.'

Well. if she said "Miss," and didn't say anything more,' the Gnat remarked, `of course you'd miss your lessons. That's a joke. I wish YOU had made it.'

Why do you wish I had made it?' Alice asked. `It's a very bad one.'

But the Gnat only sighed deeply, while two large tears came rolling down its cheeks.

You shouldn't make jokes,' Alice said, `if it makes you so unhappy. ~ Lewis Carroll