Funny Grandmother Quotes

I always was a funny guy, the class clown. I had a very funny dad and an extremely funny grandmother. ~ Charlie Day

But you would think, wouldn't you, that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? - Sir Nicholas de Mimsy ~ J.K. Rowling

Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldn't trust it. Often you couldn't even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else - coincidence, maybe, or providence. You barred the door against it, and it was standing behind you. Then just when you thought you had it nailed down it walked away with the hammer. ~ Terry Pratchett

Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh, no he isn't! It's a lap record. ~ Murray Walker

I didn't really notice that he had a funny nose.
And he certainly looked better all dressed up in fancy clothes.
He's not nearly as attractive as he seemed the other night.
So I think I'll just pretend that this glass slipper feels too tight. ~ Judith Viorst

Good Lord, that has to be the homeliest woman I have ever laid eyes on. My horse's face is better-looking. ~ Kathleen Bittner Roth

Normally my clients were my mother, my grandmother, and my dad, and I would sell them the issues with a great color cover. There was a story I remember called 'The Invader,' and it had an invisible dome covering a city, with a giant tentacled monster eating everybody in sight, and people trying to drill a hole in the dome. And I did these epic Prismacolor pencil illustrations and sold out the three issues to my captive audience. ~ Guillermo Del Toro

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain. ~ Jim Gaffigan

I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change. ~ Somaly Mam

It's a funny thing about writing. You get so balled up in a story idea that you lose your perspective and forget that human being might read your words someday. ~ Gary Reilly

If you can't be smart or funny, be brief. ~ J.A. Konrath

Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot. ~ Justin Bieber

Some really good things kind of swing both ways and I like to see people that can swing really, really, really sad and horrible and terrible and really, really, really beautiful and funny. ~ Beth Henley

How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It's like scientists aren't even trying! ~ Tanya Masse

Just trying to tell the truth about, you know, the struggle of - being alive is funny, it's just inherently tragic and also hilarious - in a fun way and in a sad way. That seems to connect with people. ~ Judd Apatow

Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Band? Simon inquired. "No, probably not. ~ Cassandra Clare

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway? ~ Dave Chappelle

I like people who love books and movies and art and want to talk about it all the time, because that's basically what I want to talk about. Intellectuals that are funny. ~ Greta Gerwig

I've never been a big believer in formal education. ~ Megan Fox

The Lazysphere - a working definition - is a group of bloggers who I won't name by name, but you can spot them a mile away. Rather than create new ideas or pen thoughtful essays, they simply glom on to the latest news with another "me too" blog post. ~ Steve Rubel

Come on, I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear. ~ Charlaine Harris

Groin' is a funny word," Babe said quietly. "I don't know the German for it, but I'm sure you do." He began to talk more quickly then, because he could tell Szell was starting to die. "Oh, maybe you didn't see it in the papers, but they've made this fabulous theological discovery, do you know what they've found? People don't go to heaven or hell, they all go to one spot first, sort of a way station, and that's were things happen, because, you probably won't believe this, but some people on this earth have been known to do bad things to other people, innocent people, and at this way station, the innocent people wait, and then when their savager comes, they get to exact a little portion of revenge. God says revenge is good for the soul. Do you know who's waiting for you, Mr. Szell? All the Jews. They're all there, and you know what else? They've all got drills, like you used on me - remember how you said how wonderful it was, anyone could learn that, how to use them? Well, they have and they're waiting, and I don't know about you, but I think it's gonna be terrific."

Szell was almost dead now, but Babe just had time to get it in.

Have a swell eternity," Babe said... ~ William Goldman

Her grandmother, as she gets older, is not fading but rather becoming more concentrated. ~ Paulette Alden

When you do comedy in front of an audience, they are the ones who tell you whether it's funny or not and which bits are funny and which bits need to be fixed. ~ John Cleese

Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie. ~ Cuthbert Soup

I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort. ~ Daniel Handler

Exactly. Though I consider myself adequately knowledgeable, I'm no doctor. Humans aren't my specialty. ~ Megan Carroll

Science Fiction properly conceived, like all serious fiction, however funny, is a way of trying to describe what is going on, what people actually do and feel, how people relate to everything else in this vast sack, this belly of the universe, this womb of things to be and tomb of things that were, this unending story. In it, as in all fiction, there is room enough to keep even Man where he belongs, in his place in the scheme of things, there is time enough to gather plenty of wild oats and sow them, too, and sing to little Oom, and listen to Ool's joke, and watch newts, and still the story isn't over. Still there are seeds to be gathered and room in the bag of stars. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

The hardest part is to travel, and to be away from your family. ~ Glenn Tipton

My songs are personal music, they're not communal. I wouldn't want people singing along with me. It would sound funny. I'm not playing campfire meetings. I don't remember anyone singing along with Elvis, Carl Perkins or Little Richard. ~ Bob Dylan

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! ~ Henny Youngman

Just rolled out of bed."
"I can see that." His eyes swept over me. "You should roll around in your bed more often. ~ Veronica Blade

Never follow the crowd ...
Until and unless you're crossing the road ... ~ Sanhita Baruah

Funny thing about life, it's so easy to view it from the outside in. We can see the exact point where our friends fuck up, do the wrong thing, are blind to what's right in front of them. As in, why the fuck won't they just listen to us and take our advice instead of bumbling all over the place? We watch horror movies and know when to shout at the dumb girl who goes in the basement to investigate that noise; we revel in her stupidity, feel superior to it. If it were us, we assure ourselves, we wouldn't be so stupid. Sure we would; we just wouldn't realize the danger. Because the truth is, we're walking deaf, dumb, and blind half of the time. And even though I can tell myself this afterward, after I fuck up, it doesn't make me feel any better. Because I'm about to do a fuck up royale. With cheese. ~ Kristen Callihan

I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time. ~ Mariah Carey

I can make a case that I regret nothing. After all, most of my mistakes turned out to be things I survived, or turned into funny stories, or, on occasion, even made money from. ~ Nora Ephron

There's a dead guy on our floor," Tom pointed out.

"Yeah, that's Beamer, our neighbor." Vik stepped over Tom's bed, and kicked open a drawer beneath the mattress. He swept down and yanked out a bundle of fabric. "Here's your uniform."

"There's a dead Beamer on our floor," Tom said again. ~ S.J. Kincaid

Recently thought of deleting my Facebook account and start using twitter, but realized it's not easy. Facebook has become like the boyfriend I no longer like but scared to dump because I've invested so much time in the relationship. ~ Manasa Rao

Second," Frank said, "I want to reassure you that I'm alive and well." He patted his chest as if to prove it. "My fate is no longer tied to a piece of wood, which is nice. And if you would all please forget that you saw me in my underwear, I'd appreaciate it."

That got some laughs. Who knew Frank could be funny on purpouse? ~ Rick Riordan

We in the light sometimes fear what is no more to be feared than the things children in the dark hold in terror and imagine will come true. ~ Lucretius

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. ~ Groucho Marx

Most visions of extraterrestrial life are actually steeped in human hubris. The fictional extraterrestrials of 'Star Trek' or a hundred other space operas are less alien than many of my neighbors. And funny, the ones running the place are mostly WASPish men. ~ Nathan Myhrvold

Sometimes I wonder how many others you're texting while you're texting me. ~ Abdul'Rauf Hashmi

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average. ~ Adam Carolla

The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were. ~ Rob Delaney