Funny Lawyer Quotes

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings. ~ Woody Allen

If law school is so hard to get through ... how come there are so many lawyers? ~ Calvin Trillin

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business. ~ Washington Irving

The lawyer's truth is not Truth, but consistency or a consistent expediency. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. ~ Ambrose Bierce

There are no funny lawyers - only funny people who made a career mistake. ~ Robert J. White

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. ~ Lenny Bruce

The good lawyer is not the man who has an eye to every side and angle of contingency, and qualifies all his qualifications, but who throws himself on your part so heartily, that he can get you out of a scrape. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer. ~ Will Rogers

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. ~ Patrick Murray

It is a pleasant world we live in, sir, a very pleasant world. There are bad people in it, Mr. Richard, but if there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers. ~ Charles Dickens

There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable. ~ Robert Smith Surtees

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. ~ William Shakespeare

I supposed images of an evil god who wanted to break free of his mythological prison and enslave the whole world
weren't any scarier than a guy wearing big red shoes,yellow plaid pants,and white face paint.Clowns had always creeped me out. They were so not funny. ~ Jennifer Estep

You must be a blast on long car rides."
"Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic. ~ Nenia Campbell

Easy for you to say. You're the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing. Cam's mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Well, I did tell you I couldn't give you a thing. Maybe you've just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day! ~ LeeAnn Whitaker

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week. ~ Dennis Miller

Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic?
"Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that. ~ Cassandra Clare

I'll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my friends - and my friends are hilarious. ~ Issa Rae

God created whammy bars for people who don't know how to solo. ~ Dave Mustaine

Poor empty pants
With nobody inside them. ~ Dr. Seuss

It did not take Bunch very long, amid the politicking and the revelry, to discover the darker side of life in Charleston's homes. "The frightful atrocities of slaveholding must be seen to be described," he wrote in a private letter that wound up prominently positioned in the official slave-trade correspondence of the Foreign Office. "My next-door neighbor, a lawyer of the first distinction and a member of the Southern Aristocracy, told me himself that he flogged all his own people - men and women - when they misbehaved. I hear also that he makes them strip, and after telling them that they were to consider it as a great condescension on his part to touch them, gives them a certain number of lashes with a cow-hide. The frightful evil of the system is that it debases the whole tone of society - for the people talk calmly of horrors which would not be mentioned in civilized society. It is literally no more to kill a slave than to shoot a dog. ~ Christopher Dickey

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny. ~ Alan King

If you were half as funny as you thought you were, my boy, you'd be twice as funny as you are. ~ Cassandra Clare

Evan Handler is not only a fine actor, he's a damn good writer. It's Only Temporary is wise and funny and as righteously indignant as it is endearingly self-effacing. In what may be a literary first, the book actually left me wanting more. ~ Meghan Daum

I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing ... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry. ~ J.K. Rowling

You haven't been fired," Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting fired?"
Don't say the pens, don't say the pens, don't say the pens . . .
"I've nicked loads of pens."
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. ~ Lindsey Kelk

It's not that comedy has changed in terms of what's funny. For me, it's changed in that sometimes I don't feel my finger is on the pulse. ~ Bobby Lee

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A. ~ Rita Rudner

Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops. ~ Jodie Marsh

Since when are you so 'faithful'? just a couple of years ago you would show up in your tight jeans and borrow our car to pick up one of your five girlfriends. You think that beard makes you a man of God? ~ Dalia Sofer

Someday my prince will come," she lamented softly, "too fast. ~ Melinda DuChamp

Each investigation team has a lawyer attached to it and there was a lawyer attached to me and my assistant. ~ Tony Greig

I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones. ~ Walt Whitman

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.) ~ John Duover

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you. ~ Christopher Titus

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. ~ K. Martin Beckner

I love doing comedy, and that's the thing I will always go back to, really, but I'd love to have the freedom to do sort of 'meaty' roles but also have the freedom to do the sort of films I want to make, like what Woody Allen does. You forget he's funny because you're so gripped by the story, but they still make you laugh. ~ Alice Lowe

I once had someone swerve her tank out of our column and straight into a house. With a very large basement. Because she was too sleep-deprived to think. It's funny now, but it wasn't funny then. – Oh, who am I kidding, it was HILARIOUS, even if it was kind of a disaster. I laughed so hard my aide almost shot me. ~ Yoon Ha Lee

Usually I'm trying to turn something around or turn it inside out and see what's underneath. I know that probably sounds incredibly vague but I never set out to be likeable or funny or anything like that. I'm just trying to tell the story in the best way that I can and serve the writer because it's really about the writer. ~ Mary-Louise Parker

It's kind of funny to me listening to people who claim to have these great records of winning a hundred and some odd straight felony cases without a loss and that kind of stuff that you hear of all the time. I'm here to tell you, if you let me pick out which hundred cases I get to try, I'll win a hundred of them in a row, too. Case selection is everything in creating records like that. My philosophy was, I tried them all. If I made a determination that the evidence was sufficient to justify the prosecution, then I would try the case, and certainly whenever you do that, you're going to lose a certain percentage of them. ~ Mark Baker

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow. ~ Dylan Moran

Did you know, the Alpha bond is a lot like the mate bond. The first twenty-four hours are apparently intense. I took oath from ten wolves today, and I can feel every fucking one of them in my head. And I use the adjective on purpose. You know what the most common response to facing death is?"
Simon let out a little snort.
Aaron's grin was wry. "Yeah, that. And when you consider that one of my wolves is Lucas, I haven't been this horny in about thirty years. ~ Kaje Harper

You're starting to look like you did before, and that's not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I'm growing breasts? - Kye ~ Krista Alasti

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. ~ Groucho Marx

None may wholly escape the good of Nature, however imperfectly exposed to her blessings. The minister will not preach a perfectly flat and sedimentary sermon after climbing a snowy peak; and the fair play and tremendous impartiality of Nature, so tellingly displayed, will surely affect the after pleadings of the lawyer. Fresh air at least will get into everybody, and the cares of mere business will be quenched like the fires of a sinking ship. ~ John Muir

I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: Fuck me he's a earthbender. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet. ~ Lois Greiman

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder. ~ Woody Allen

I really honestly can't see myself as a lawyer. It's pretty much safe to say I'll never become one. ~ Vance Joy

You'll blow up a helicopter, but you won't go out with me? What is wrong with you? ~ Meg Cabot

You could ask me to teach you."
"Huh?" This night is getting weird in a hurry. "Teach me like you're teaching a class or something? What are you going to call it: 'You Too Can Be a Sociopath 101'?"
"It would be more like a graduate-level class."
I start to snicker. His sense of humour sneaks up on you. Then I remember who's talking and bite it off. ~ Karen Marie Moning

Just think of me as the shoe fairy." Then he acted like he was bonking me on the head with an imaginary magic wand, "Make your own good memories in those shoes." I gaped for a second, and then he winked at me. I couldn't help it, so I smiled at him and then turned to Indy. ~ Kristen Ashley

I got to play with Nintendo's Wii, yes it's a funny name and not very revolutionary but it was fun whipping your arms around. ~ Olivia Munn

Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first). ~ John D. Rhodes

If you feel like you're drowning, don't forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you're actually drowning, then how are you reading this? ~ Dani N M.

One of the things about crowd work that's so exciting is when you discover a character in the audience who's interesting or funny, who you can vibe off of. If someone's got a weird job that you can make reference to throughout, or you can bring that person onstage - humiliate them, or celebrate them! You can put people in conversation with one another. The best is when something that they're doing can reflect back on something that you're doing. ~ John Hodgman

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. ~ Will Rogers

Isn't it funny that if God were to reveal and explain Himself, the majority of the world would necessarily be disappointed? ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" ~ Henny Youngman