Funny Marijuana Quotes

Casual drug users should be taken out and shot. ~ Daryl Gates

Instead of taking five or six of the prescriptions, I decided to go a natural route and smoke marijuana. ~ Melissa Etheridge

I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale. ~ William J. Clinton

I smoked pot in college and in the Army ... ~ Al Gore

Smoking helped put me in touch with the realm of the senses. ~ Hugh Hefner

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn't like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton. ~ Jay Leno

I experimented with marijuana a time or two. ~ William J. Clinton

Alcohol and marijuana, if used in moderation, plus loud, usually low-class music, make stress and boredom infinitely more bearable. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Of course I know how to roll a joint. ~ Martha Stewart

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake. ~ Bill Hicks

When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale. ~ Bill Clinton

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life. ~ Katt Williams

I think pot should be legal. I don't smoke it, but I like the smell of it. ~ Andy Warhol

I think it would be funny to have one of those family decals showing a really skinny teenage girl barfing into a little chalk-outline bag (the bulimic in the family) or the dad figure dressed in the woman's underwear that he truly enjoys slipping into when no one's looking. Or the wife figure smiling with her exaggerated curly hair and tennis skirt, clutching a racket in one hand and a bottle of Stoli' in the other. ~ Celia Rivenbark

I deserve respect for the things I did not do. ~ Dan Quayle

Let's make some funny pictures. ~ Tex Avery

I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series. ~ Jerry Coleman

Once there was a girl who ate an apple not meant for her...Up until the apples, she had been living in a wonderful house in the wilderness, happy in her fate and her ways. She had seven aunts and seven uncles and a postdoctorate in anthropology. ~ Catherynne M. Valente

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. ~ Steven Wright

As for our majority ... one is enough. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

I shook my head. "I thought you had a 'No princesses' rule."

"Rules are made to be broken," said Grimm.

Ari sat back in the chair, her eyes closed.

"Of course, young lady, there's the matter of how we sign our contracts."

"Not gonna happen." Ari threw a pen at the mirror for emphasis. ~ J.C. Nelson

Never mind, love, it's not the end of the world. ~ Simon Barnes

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show. ~ Mitch Hedberg

The silver in his eyes burned. "I want to kill him."

"Me too, but that's not really going to help things."

He flashed me a wild smile. "But it would make us feel better."

"Damn, you've gotten dark. Funny, but dark. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

The greatest tragedies were written by the Greeks and Shakespeare ... neither knew chocolate. ~ Sandra Boynton

For me, the times I always regret are missed opportunities to say farewell to good people, to wish them long life and say to them in all sincerity, "You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress." Too often I never get to say that when it should be said. Instead, I leave them with the equivalent of a "Later, dude!" only to discover there would be no later for us. ~ Kevin Hearne

Shane's orgasmic contribution was an innovative and masterful variation on the theme of oh:
"Oh ... Oh ... oh ... oh ... oh ... oh ... oh ... oh ... AH!"
Stretching the waistband of my boxers I addressed the man downstairs, "make a note Mr Brown. Buy Dick and Shane a copy of The Penguin Anthology Of Orgasmic Utterances for Christmas: surprise and delight your partner, fuck buddies and neighbours with your sparkling and witty climactic repartee, you'l have them cumming back for more. ~ Gillibran Brown

Then he smiles because he knows deep in his bones that his dad has gone and said something really funny probably. He kicks off his sheet and slides his feet into his slippers. Bunny sits in the living room, slumped low on the sofa, full of Geoffrey's Scotch and Poodle's cocaine. ~ Nick Cave

so funny. The sun was shining into part of ~ Joseph Jacobs

I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit booty? ~ John Layfield

Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.
"Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
"Thank you!"
He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.
"Is he - a bit mad?" he asked Percy uncertainly.
"Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry? ~ J.K. Rowling

I play a female Indiana Jones, a professor who hunts down precious objects, like a bowl that belonged to the Buddha. They tailored the role to me: I wanted to be smart, funny, and to kick some ass. ~ Tia Carrere

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands. ~ K.R. Grace

David Mamet's writing is pretty spectacular, obviously. I like the honesty of it; I like how funny it is and how sad it is. ~ T. R. Knight

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. ~ W. H. Auden

You talked to your mother about Duncan's erectile dysfunction?" He glared down at her. "Has he considered taking your TV away? ~ Dana Marie Bell

I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong? ~ Willie Nelson

When people say 'Charlie Chaplin' I still think now of the guy in the moustache and bowler hat and funny walk - I don't think of an old man who was my grandfather. ~ Oona Chaplin

I sense a very large but."
"Funny, because right in front of me, I see a - "
"Watch it. ~ Brandon Sanderson

It didn't take long for us to realize, though, that we hadn't eaten since the eggs twenty-four hours earlier. Eating was the one desire of the flesh we hadn't fulfilled.
I remembered seeing a McDonald's near the entrance of our hotel, and since I needed a little exercise I offered to dart out for some safe and predictable American food, which would tide us over till the dinner we had reservations for that night. Our blood sugar was too low to comb the city, looking for a place to have a quick lunch.
I knew Marlboro Man was a ketchup-only guy when it comes to burgers, and that's what I ordered when I approached the counter: "Hamburger, ketchup only, please."
"Sar…you only want kitchipinmite?" the innocent clerk replied.
"Excuse me?"
"Kitchipinmite?"
"Uh…pardon?"
"You jis want a hamburger with kitchipinmite?"
"Uh…what?" I had no idea what the poor girl was saying.
It took me about ten minutes to realize the poor Australian woman behind the counter was merely repeating and confirming my order: kitchip (ketchup) inmite (and meat). It was a traumatic ordering experience.
I returned to the hotel room, and Marlboro Man and I dug into our food like animals.
"This tastes a little funny," my new husband said.
I concurred. The mite was not right. It didn't taste like America. ~ Ree Drummond

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible. ~ Leslie Nielsen

But, Grandmother, I am telling you it will take a man of magic to love me."
"Don't make such oaths, my girl," Grandmother Guri chortled. "Life has a funny way of twisting things. ~ K.M. Shea

In Norwegian that would be 'hun ma dra. Kanskje er hun gravid.'" Astley sttempts to smile.
i can't help teasing him. "Which? Asking to go to the bathroom or dissing me because I'm pregnant."
"you are with child?" his eyes open wid, all mock terrified.
"No! Shut up. You know I'm not." I punch him in the arm and then lead him into the stairwell, shutting the door behind us. "Okay. Seriously, Astley, what happened to you? Why is your head bleeding? ~ Carrie Jones

I managed a team that was so bad we considered a 2-0 count on the batter a rally. ~ Rich Donnelly

Comedy started out as my hobby and then it became my profession. It's like being on call all the time, like having a built-in beeper. You can't just leave the office and relax because you never know when you'll think of something funny. ~ Jim Carrey

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z. ~ Darynda Jones

Don't see me as a girl. See me as a buddy of yours or something."
He cast his eyes downward and didn't look back up to my face. I looked down and groaned. Such a guy.
"My buddies don't have boobs, as far as I know."
"Because you felt them up to be sure?" I chuckled, against my better judgement.
Once again, his mouth dropped open. ~ Stephanie Witter

Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen. ~ Jill Shalvis

Kind of the exhausting thing about doing pure comedy, or something that's broader, is you're kind of a slave to the laugh. If it's not funny, then there's not much point in doing it. The kind of ueber-objective is to make people laugh. You always have to have that in the back of your mind, 'Eh, I've got to figure out a way to make this funny.' ~ John C. Reilly