Funny Quotes

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Quotes About Funny

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#1. Clearly, then, the city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo. - Author: Desmond Morris
Funny quotes by Desmond Morris
#2. The body is a funny piece of meat. How it inflates and deflates in order to keep you alive. But how simple words can fill you up or pierce the air out of you. - Author: Elizabeth Acevedo
Funny quotes by Elizabeth Acevedo
#3. I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things. - Author: Rodney Carrington
Funny quotes by Rodney Carrington
#4. #Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006. - Author: E.A. Bucchianeri
Funny quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#5. He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked.
"That's it?"
He looked up. "Sorry?"
"Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town."
"It's got a car alarm."
"Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?"
"No. It's a pretty good car alarm. - Author: Derek Landy
Funny quotes by Derek Landy
#6. Emery's eyes sparkled with amusement. Had she done something funny?
"I've determined that I will teach you to cheat at cards for the day's first lesson," Emery announced.
Ceony dropped her scissors. "I knew you were cheating! - Author: Charlie N. Holmberg
Funny quotes by Charlie N. Holmberg
#7. I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. - Author: Dave Barry
Funny quotes by Dave Barry
#8. The thought of you being removed from the rotation is not funny to me. - Author: John Green
Funny quotes by John Green
#9. Maybe it was easier if you knew your child was dead. It was a thought that stopped him in his tracks sometimes but he knew that it was the truth. If the child was dead then you had to figure out a way forward. It was being locked in this permanent state of limbo that was keeping Sarah in bed.One night he had come home from the day with a story of one of the young lads sliding through some fairly big cow pats. The boy had landed on his butt and there had been laughter all round. Restrained laughter but, still, it was funny. He had sat on the edge of the bed and related the story to Sarah and she had smiled and then released a small giggle. Immediately he could see her regret it and he had watched her bite down hard on her lip. Hard enough to draw some blood.
'It's okay, Sarah,' he had said gently. 'It's okay to laugh.'
'Bullshit, Doug,' she had spat back at him. 'How can you laugh if he's not laughing? How can I laugh knowing that he may be suffering?'
'I . . . I . . .' Doug had started, then he had left the room.
If a child died did it end this struggle? Could you put your faith in God and heaven and know he was in a better place, laughing with other children? Was that how you were able to move on? - Author: Nicole Trope
Funny quotes by Nicole Trope
#10. Me personally, I don't have anything against Jesus any more than I do any of the religious icons. I think they're all pretty funny. - Author: Jack Black
Funny quotes by Jack Black
#11. Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.'
'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling in front of her but it was too late.
Xav added some Parmesan and pepper. 'Suspicious, Diamond? You should be. This is a bachelor party I'm organizing, not a school outing, and it is going to tick all of Trace's boxes. Lola is either a very efficient water sports instructor or an exotic dancing girl; I'll leave it your imagination.'
I rolled my eyes at Diamond. 'Myabe she's both. I mean the guys will really go for that, I guess. Don't worry,Di, Luigi and his crew will not disappoint us girls.' Luigi was in fact Contessa Nicoletta's little bespectacled chef with whom I had been consulting about the menu for Friday, but the Benedicts weren't to know that. 'He has promised to provide something suitably spicy for our tastes. - Author: Joss Stirling
Funny quotes by Joss Stirling
#12. Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people. - Author: Richard M. Nixon
Funny quotes by Richard M. Nixon
#13. The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman. - Author: George Everett Macdonald
Funny quotes by George Everett Macdonald
#14. The knowledge of languages was very useful. I have a university degree in foreign languages and literature. - Author: Emma Bonino
Funny quotes by Emma Bonino
#15. Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right. - Author: Orson Scott Card
Funny quotes by Orson Scott Card
#16. Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" - Author: Henny Youngman
Funny quotes by Henny Youngman
#17. God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve. - Author: Jim Norton
Funny quotes by Jim Norton
#18. Lila!" he said cheerfully. "So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all. - Author: V.E Schwab
Funny quotes by V.E Schwab
#19. It's possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it? - Author: Martin Amis
Funny quotes by Martin Amis
#20. Owning a gun proves "In God we trust" is a lie. If you actually trusted in God, you wouldn't feel like you need a gun. - Author: Oliver Markus Malloy
Funny quotes by Oliver Markus Malloy
#21. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week. - Author: Groucho Marx
Funny quotes by Groucho Marx
#22. Life is funny sometimes. Of course it isn't as funny as smashing your brand new Mustang convertible into your house and having your life flash before your eyes. Sitting here in my car in the middle of my den, I can't help but think that things could have worked out differently - that could have been happier - that could have lived the life that was meant for me. That was, if I didn't have to keep up with the Greenbergs. - Author: Phil Wohl
Funny quotes by Phil Wohl
#23. Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet!
I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy. - Author: Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Funny quotes by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
#24. The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it. - Author: Graeme Le Saux
Funny quotes by Graeme Le Saux
#25. Padmé insists: "There's always a choice." Does Anakin hear the echo of her voice decades later, when he decides to save their son from the Emperor? I like to think so.

"YOU GET MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN"

Here's Leia, speaking of Han's apparent desertion of the rebellion in A New Hope: "A man must follow his own path. No one can choose it for him." Here's Obi-Wan to Luke, again in A New Hope: "Then you must do what you think is right, of course." Here are Lucas's own words: "Life sends you down funny paths. And you get many opportunities to keep your eyes open." He was talking about his own life, but he might as well have been talking about Star Wars and the characters who populate it. - Author: Cass R. Sunstein
Funny quotes by Cass R. Sunstein
#26. It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, just because it has to be able to play forever. - Author: Hannah Simone
Funny quotes by Hannah Simone
#27. C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?
Out of the way. - Marigold - Author: Jean Ferris
Funny quotes by Jean Ferris
#28. Villeneuve is now twelve seconds ahead of Villeneuve. - Author: Murray Walker
Funny quotes by Murray Walker
#29. Dear Josh, we stopped by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door. Therefore you are gay.
Sincerely, Tiffany and Amber. - Author: Daniel Clowes
Funny quotes by Daniel Clowes
#30. Who," coughed Zvonok, "do you think broke your favorite teacup last fall? The one with the cherries on the handle?"
"I was careless, Comrade Zvonok. I left the window open and a storm blew through."
"Incorrect! I broke it because you left me no cream and no dry biscuits, and when your old boots wore through, you burned them up for heat instead of giving them to me!"
"Hear, hear!" the table erupted in approval once more. "Well done, well done!"
"I'm surely very sorry
"
"So is your teacup. - Author: Catherynne M Valente
Funny quotes by Catherynne M Valente
#31. When you work on a book and you have planned everything out and you are putting flesh to an idea and a surmise that before was mainly bones something funny happens. Your brain goes into an altered state where the words you write are not quite the words you want but rather the words dictated by the task at hand. - Author: David Amerland
Funny quotes by David Amerland
#32. A pekingeese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion. - Author: A.A. Milne
Funny quotes by A.A. Milne
#33. Your grandma is a magician. Remember that time when you fell off your bicycle and she lifted you up onto the kitchen counter? She cleaned your bloody knees, washed the tears and snot off your face, told you funny stories and tickled your stomach until you giggled so hard it made you hiccup. The tears, the blood, the pain, your mum's closed bedroom door - all vanished, as if your grandma had waved a wand - sim sala bim! Hard to keep your smile off your face now, no? She did such things. Still does. A trickster, she is. Always full of pranks and laughter. Like now, looking so wrinkled and pale in her bed, not responding. Bet she opens her eyes any moment now with that mischievous grin of hers, pleased she fooled you. You'll both double over in laughing fits. Any moment now.
From: "Grandma's Tricks", In-flight literary magazine issue 4 2015 - Author: Margrét Helgadóttir
Funny quotes by Margrét Helgadóttir
#34. A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. - Author: Bob Monkhouse
Funny quotes by Bob Monkhouse
#35. And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll"
-Kaname Kuran
"I DONT WANT IT!"
-Zero Kiryu
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
-Juri Elizabeth Marin - Author: Matsuri Hino
Funny quotes by Matsuri Hino
#36. People always - I think were surprised about me connecting with folks in small town Iowa. And the reason I did was - first of all, I had the benefit that at the time nobody expected me to win. And so I wasn't viewed through this prism of Fox News and conservative media making me scary. At the time, I didn't think seem scary, other than just having a funny name. I seemed young. - Author: Barack Obama
Funny quotes by Barack Obama
#37. Do you really think cards can tell us future??
No matter how you spread the cards but queen is always king ones..!! - Author: Nikhil
Funny quotes by Nikhil
#38. They only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn't understand tractor pulls, either. - Author: John Barnes
Funny quotes by John Barnes
#39. She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story
'
'Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'
Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? - Author: Eoin Colfer
Funny quotes by Eoin Colfer
#40. Private Perkins is a funny little codger. - Author: George Henry Powell
Funny quotes by George Henry Powell
#41. After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. - Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Funny quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
#42. Kissing, said Lesley, ought really to be taught as a school subject, preferably instead of religious studies, which nobody needed. - Author: Kerstin Gier
Funny quotes by Kerstin Gier
#43. I recalled my encounter with the sea goddess Ran, who had described her husband as a hipster who liked microbrewing. At the time, the description had been too weird to comprehend. Afterward, it had seemed funny. Now it seemed a little too real, because I was pretty sure the hipster god in question was standing right in front of me. - Author: Rick Riordan
Funny quotes by Rick Riordan
#44. It's funny about love, the more you love someone, the less he likes you back.
And so, what do you do?
You go on loving, you love harder and harder. - Author: Tove Jansson
Funny quotes by Tove Jansson
#45. I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods. - Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Funny quotes by Jeff Foxworthy
#46. Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. - Author: Alex Haley
Funny quotes by Alex Haley
#47. Stop calling me a Nazi." "Why should I?" Miles's hand came down on the desk. "Because the systematic slaughter of millions of people isn't funny! - Author: Francesca Zappia
Funny quotes by Francesca Zappia
#48. It was funny how nature reclaimed this world in its own way. It was silly to say humans were destroying the environment; we were simply changing it. Nature would persevere until the world was a barren wasteland. - Author: Wildbow
Funny quotes by Wildbow
#49. In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.' - Author: Robin Williams
Funny quotes by Robin Williams
#50. I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls ... - Author: Hiroko Sakai
Funny quotes by Hiroko Sakai
#51. Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them. - Author: Melinda Chapman
Funny quotes by Melinda Chapman
#52. You are the devil to talk to, Rachel," he said curtly. "Will you shut up and listen? - Author: Kim Harrison
Funny quotes by Kim Harrison
#53. I am a pretty good actor. Most of my friendships are based on the fact that I pretend to be outgoing and funny in social situations, but when I get home, I tend to isolate myself because I am actually somewhat bipolar and introverted. - Author: Reese Roper
Funny quotes by Reese Roper
#54. Funny how you can't turn that off, isn't it?" Ledalus laughed, scoffing as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Does it hurt? Loving someone who can't love you back? - Author: Victoria Cerises
Funny quotes by Victoria Cerises
#55. Its funny how in this very advanced connected world everyone is so disconnected... - Author: Guru Z S Gill
Funny quotes by Guru Z S Gill
#56. I had spent many years before I was 31 hearing people tell me, Oh Man, you're so funny, you need to be in television. But that and a quarter won't get you on a bus. - Author: Chi McBride
Funny quotes by Chi McBride
#57. I said. "I'm fine. I have a little bit of a head ache, but I'm not dizzy or nauseous. I can walk and talk just fine, and I can remember everything." "Everything, huh? Don't self-diagnose, Doctor Fisher. Do you remember when the Battle of Bunker Hill was fought?" "The what?" "The Battle of Bunker Hill. We covered it in World Civ." "No, we did not." "We did, too. The unit on the American Revolution." "Davin, that was like, two years ago! I don't remember stuff like that!" "So, not everything." "Everything important." "That happens to have been a very significant battle," Davin reminded me, in a smug tone. - Author: J.M. Richards
Funny quotes by J.M. Richards
#58. This morning she told a joke to make me feel better. She's tough and funny and caring. Beautiful. And that ass. Don't look at her ass, you idiot. It's the same ass you've seen a million times, so just forget about it because the last thing you need is to start remembering what it feels like. She really isn't Lillian, is she? She sort of is, Lillian, though, in all the best ways. No, that's wrong. I'm not looking for Lillian in Lily anymore, and I haven't since we've been on the run. It's strange, but I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't Lillian I loved. Maybe what I loved was the Lily in Lillian. Oh, shit. I think I love Lily ... - Author: Josephine Angelini
Funny quotes by Josephine Angelini
#59. Patch leaned back against the booth and arched his eyebrows at me. The gesture said it all: Pay up.

"You got lucky," I said.

"I'm about to get lucky. - Author: Becca Fitzpatrick
Funny quotes by Becca Fitzpatrick
#60. They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb. - Author: Jerry Coleman
Funny quotes by Jerry Coleman
#61. Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt. - Author: Louis C.K.
Funny quotes by Louis C.K.
#62. It's funny how you can think you've said something when you never really did."
I giggled, feeling that the words were coming in his very next breath. "It's also funny how you can think you've heard something when you didn't either," he said instead.
All the humor vanished from the moment. "I know what you mean." I swallowed and watched as his hand moved from my cheek to lace his fingers through mine, knowing that he and I were both watching them. "Maybe, for some people, it would be hard to confess that. Like, if they worried they might not make it to the end." He sighed. "Or it would be hard to say if you worried that someone might not want to make it to the end ... maybe never quite gave up on someone else. - Author: Kiera Cass
Funny quotes by Kiera Cass
#63. We were always eating expired things. Milk, bread, biscuits, cake. We forgot about them as they sat around the house and just as they had gone bad, we put them in our mouths. Chocolates I brought back with me from Australia, cheeses in last year's Christmas hamper, juice from the last time someone decided to go grocery shopping. We didn't always realize they tasted funny – not everything curdles and a two-month-old orange can be just as sweet. When we did, it was usually too late. Sometimes it wasn't. We finished what we had started anyway. - Author: Cheryl Julia Lee
Funny quotes by Cheryl Julia Lee
#64. We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species. - Author: Peter Dinklage
Funny quotes by Peter Dinklage
#65. Blessed is the man who has found someone to do his work. - Author: Elbert Hubbard
Funny quotes by Elbert Hubbard
#66. Funny how in a city of 750,000 one could feel so utterly alone and vulnerable - half a million people and no one to protect you. It's partially the nature of the location of Winnipeg. Alone in the Prairies, in the middle of the country, where the wind blows hard and the snow can pile up around your feet while you wait to cross the street. - Author: Jan Guenther Braun
Funny quotes by Jan Guenther Braun
#67. Last semester was intense," I said to Dad.

"Intense?" he echoed, picking up my file. "Let's see. On your first day at Hecate, you were attacked by a werewolf. You insulted a teacher, which resulted in semester-long cellar duty with one Archer Cross. According to the notes, the two of you became 'close.' Apparently close enough for you to see the mark of L'Occhio di Dio on his chest.

I flushed at that, and felt Mom's arm tighten around me. Over the past six months, I'd filled her in on a lot of the story with Archer, but not all of it.

Specifically, the whole me-making-out-in-the-cellar-with-a-murderous-warlock-working-with-the-Eye-part. - Author: Rachel Hawkins
Funny quotes by Rachel Hawkins
#68. -Am I allowed to call you Grayson, or have you assumed a new identity as well?
-He's Frank. - Author: Jen Turano
Funny quotes by Jen Turano
#69. She looked like a tomato struggling for self-expression. - Author: P.G. Wodehouse
Funny quotes by P.G. Wodehouse
#70. Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process? - Author: Melissa Landers
Funny quotes by Melissa Landers
#71. They are achieving nothing, they are suffering from casualties. Those casualties are increasing, not decreasing - Author: Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf
Funny quotes by Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf
#72. There is no hell. There is only France. - Author: Frank Zappa
Funny quotes by Frank Zappa
#73. There can be funny moments during sad stories - Author: Ammon Shea
Funny quotes by Ammon Shea
#74. But dreams are funny things. Sometimes even the most impractical and irresponsible dreams just won't be ignored. And sometimes when you don't follow your dreams, your dreams come looking for you. - Author: Lizzie K. Foley
Funny quotes by Lizzie K. Foley
#75. What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed! - Author: Hunter S. Thompson
Funny quotes by Hunter S. Thompson
#76. By all means, stay," Anne said. "Have a seat. We'll take care of you next."
"Yeah, see, I think someone else is going to be on trial next." Baring my teeth at her in a grin I pulled out my file folder. "I've got some interesting reading here. And I even brought copies for everyone so you don't have to share."
A distinguished-looking South American man on the end shook his head. "What is this? Another farce?"
"No, but bonus points for using a funny word. You really want to read what I have here. Anne, you'll be especially interested, since you have a starring role."
"Enough. Rhia - "
Reth quickly flicked his wrist at her; her mouth kept moving, but no sound came out. It was one of the most satisfying things I'd ever seen. Sure, that trick had sucked when he used it on me, but I wholly approved of it now. - Author: Kiersten White
Funny quotes by Kiersten White
#77. I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
Funny quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
#78. The last I knew you were going to a party. just a few friends at the McEvoys' you told me. The science club, you told me. What happened? You got into a fight about the theory of relativity? Did creationists crash the party and start a rumble? - Author: Tami Hoag
Funny quotes by Tami Hoag
#79. Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. "Igor, fetch 'the Crouch' from the catacombs, we're going to the graveyard". - Author: Russell Brand
Funny quotes by Russell Brand
#80. I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?" - Author: Brian Regan
Funny quotes by Brian Regan
#81. I think the problems with comedians that are political, and there are some brilliant ones, are the ones that offer no solutions. Not that there's a moral obligation for a comic to fix things, but I like to see a comic that's upset about something and offer a solution. It can be a funny solution. I like to see the thought process. - Author: Kyle Kinane
Funny quotes by Kyle Kinane
#82. Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up. - Author: Adam Rex
Funny quotes by Adam Rex
#83. You had a talk? You think talk got us out of Egypt or Entebbe? Uh-uh. Plague and Uzis. Talk gets you a good place in line for a shower that isn't a shower. - Author: Jonathan Safran Foer
Funny quotes by Jonathan Safran Foer
#84. What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you. - Author: Jackson Lanzing
Funny quotes by Jackson Lanzing
#85. She'd been pounding her location and thoughts into a device that would send those things to virtually any human with Internet access and yet looking over her shoulder had been a violation of privacy. - Author: Stefan Bourque
Funny quotes by Stefan Bourque
#86. sometimes i play fruit ninja for 2 hours and the i have diaria - Author: Roslyn Grant
Funny quotes by Roslyn Grant
#87. Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! - Author: Bob Monkhouse
Funny quotes by Bob Monkhouse
#88. I want to be with you as much as possible, Ronnie. You're smart and funny and you're honest. I trust you. I trust us. Yeah, I'm leaving and you're going back home. But neither of those things changes the way I feel about you. And my feelings aren't going to change simply because I'm going to Vanderbilt. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. - Author: Nicholas Sparks
Funny quotes by Nicholas Sparks
#89. It's a funny thing because you look at the careers of other filmmakers, and you see them sort of slow down, and you realize, maybe this becomes harder to do as you get older. That's sort of a cautionary thing. I hope it doesn't happen to me. - Author: Joel Coen
Funny quotes by Joel Coen
#90. Nobody wants to enter the jungle, but everyone wants to be called Rambo. - Author: Mircea Popister
Funny quotes by Mircea Popister
#91. Roadblock #5: It's Unpredictable
By and large, human beings don't like surprises. I know that I don't. Okay, maybe I like that rare piece of unexpected good news or a letter from a friend or a thoughtful thank-you. But I'm willing to bet that people in funny hats jumping out of dark closets are responsible for more heart attacks than expressions of unbridled delight. When the doorbell rings late at night, I'm under no illusion that it's the Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol!
This, most likely, goes back to our caveman past when a big, exciting surprise was apt to be something like an 800-pound,snarling, saber-toothed tiger about to rip the head from our shoulders. Surprises were usually bad news. (Think about this the next time you're crouching in the dark in somebody's front hall closet with their raincoats and umbrellas.) - Author: Paul Powers
Funny quotes by Paul Powers
#92. What happens over the next few months is like the plot of a children's movie, the kind where a dog finds its owner in spite of insurmountable odds and prohibitive geography. - Author: Lena Dunham
Funny quotes by Lena Dunham
#93. At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue's opinion, was far more hellish than anything they'd discussed to this point. - Author: Maggie Stiefvater
Funny quotes by Maggie Stiefvater
#94. Perfect worlds do not exist. There are only the funny, strange, weeping, singing, truncated, and imperfect universes created by the gods of paintbrush and musical instruments, the gods who infuse their creations with their own blood, their own soul. When he looks at these worlds, the true Lord of Hosts, the creator of the universe, probably cannot help but smile mockingly - Author: Vasily Grossman
Funny quotes by Vasily Grossman
#95. What makes American Elf so good is that it's incredibly personal and it runs the full spectrum from super-sickening sweetness to gut-wrenching terror and sorrow. It's a funny and powerful window into a real person's mind. - Author: Tony Millionaire
Funny quotes by Tony Millionaire
#96. It was funny how dad was more honest in a book that anyone in the world could pick up and read than he could be talking to me. Or maybe it was sad. One or the other. Sometimes it's hard to tell. - Author: Gabrielle Zevin
Funny quotes by Gabrielle Zevin
#97. You look worse today than you did when you had two black
eyes."
"Why, thank you, Tyler. You always say the sweetest things. - Author: Gwen Hayes
Funny quotes by Gwen Hayes
#98. As a kid I was the youngest member of my family, and the youngest child in any family is always a jokemaker, because a joke is the only way he can enter into an adult conversation. My sister was five years older than I was, my brother was nine years older than I was, and my parents were both talkers. So at the dinner table when I was very young, I was boring to all those other people. They did not want to hear about the dumb childish news of my days. They wanted to talk about really important stuff that happened in high school or maybe in college or at work. So the only way I could get into a conversation was to say something funny. - Author: Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Funny quotes by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
#99. Isn't it funny how trusting husbands are? How easily they eat the food put in front of them by their wives, without ever wondering if there might be something wrong with it.

You could mix anything in it, and they would never know. - Author: Sudha Kuruganti
Funny quotes by Sudha Kuruganti
#100. There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong. - Author: Stephen Schneider
Funny quotes by Stephen Schneider
#101. It's funny, the roles we play, the way we have to give up the old ones before we have room for the new ones. The first-first love stuff never goes away in here" she said, pointing to her head. "It makes you who you are. But in here," putting her hand on her chest, "time lets that grow and change. You'll see - Author: Kristen-Paige Madonia
Funny quotes by Kristen-Paige Madonia
#102. Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney," he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph. - Author: Aimee Agresti
Funny quotes by Aimee Agresti
#103. I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. - Author: Gene Wilder
Funny quotes by Gene Wilder
#104. I had no male friends now, though I did have a strong community of intelligent, supportive, funny women and I felt confused as to why they weren't enough for me, - Author: Charlotte Shane
Funny quotes by Charlotte Shane
#105. A good composer is slowly discovered and a bad composer is slowly found out. - Author: Ernest Newman
Funny quotes by Ernest Newman
#106. Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don't look awful this time.
Me (Ilona): ...

~A little later~

Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*
Kid 1: Hey, you've got to see these pies. *opening the stove*
Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.
Kid 1: I know, right? - Author: Ilona Andrews
Funny quotes by Ilona Andrews
#107. Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world. - Author: M.J. McGuire
Funny quotes by M.J. McGuire
#108. When I was 12 I made some little films with my friends. I tried to make gangster films, like Fantomas, but I remember being very disappointed with them. They weren't frightening at all. I'm sure they'd be very funny now. - Author: Alain Resnais
Funny quotes by Alain Resnais
#109. It's funny how beauty rides the back of pain . - Author: Patricia Harman
Funny quotes by Patricia Harman
#110. I silently wished to be a car-I was big enough to be one. I wanted to imagine myself purring every time Devin got inside me and took me for a ride. Unfortunately, all I could see was me drunk with chocolate smeared across my face singing the Transformer's intro "Robots in Disguise!" into Shannon's broken box fan. - Author: Tabatha Vargo
Funny quotes by Tabatha Vargo
#111. Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. - Author: Jon Foreman
Funny quotes by Jon Foreman
#112. Dear Mr. Chance and Ms. Brattle. Sorry about the mess. Great bed. Loved it. As a matter of fact, loved the whole house. Actually, I tried to kill your kids when I found them here. Yeah, funny story. Maybe not funny, hah hah.'"
Astrid heard nervous laughter from the media people, or maybe just from the hotel staff who were hovering around the edges grabbing a glimpse of the Hollywood royalty.
"'Anyway, I missed and they got away. I don't know what will happen to Sanjit and that stick-up-his butt Choo and the rest, but whatever happens next, it's not on me. However . . .'"
Astrid took a dramatic pause.
"'However, the rest of what happened was on me. Me, Caine Soren. You'll probably be hearing a lot of crazy stories from kids. But what they didn't know was that it was all me. Me. Me me. See, I had a power I never told anyone about. I had the power to make people do bad things. Crimes and whatnot. Especially Diana, who never did anything wrong on her own, by her own will, I mean. She - and the rest of them - were under my control. The responsibility is on me. I confess. Haul me away, officers.'"
Astrid suddenly felt her throat tightening, although she'd read the letter many times already, and knew what it said. Rotten son of a . . . And then this.
Redemption. Not a bad concept.
Well, partial redemption.
"It's signed Caine Soren. And below that, 'King of the FAYZ.'"
It was a full confession. A lie: a blatant, not-very-convincing lie. Bu - Author: Michael Grant
Funny quotes by Michael  Grant
#113. I'm a cat person. I have two giant cats [Harry and Arturo] that I call the small panthers. They're like 17 pounds each-they're big boys! Every photo on my phone is of them doing something funny. - Author: Dave Franco
Funny quotes by Dave Franco
#114. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - Author: George Burns
Funny quotes by George Burns
#115. PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Funny quotes by Ambrose Bierce
#116. Funny sky,' he said, squinting up at the thick-bellied white clouds and the sun shining so hot on them but not breaking through.
'It feels as if there should be a storm,' I said 'but it was like this at haymaking and the weather never properly broke then.'
'If I was at sea I should run for a port,' Ralph said. He was looking towards the horizon where there was a yellow tinge to the sky over the top of the downs. - Author: Philippa Gregory
Funny quotes by Philippa Gregory
#117. He's too damn tall. I'd have to sit in his lap or get a step stool to kiss him
anywhere near his face.Heh, there are always places south of the border to kiss. Don't need to be tall to reach those. - Author: Jennifer James
Funny quotes by Jennifer James
#118. There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. - Author: George Carlin
Funny quotes by George Carlin
#119. Whatever you may say, genuine emotions are aroused by people. The first smile of a newborn, love confession, hang-loose chatting with friends, weekly meetings with dears, and a lot more other things initiated by two or several individuals trigger the feeling of happiness. There are more specific emotions native to females and males. Whereas the first ones are pleased at hearing sweet words. We live and work in the tradition of love and not hatred. As for us, it is the unconditional acceptance of all people, the scale of our love for them. Let's treat every person as a person in his uniqueness at eye level.
Love is one of the strongest feelings one can ever have. It comes over you all of a sudden and totally absorbs before you manage to realize the fact. Emotions which arise with the feeling require some way of expression. Furtive glances, sweet words, touching, and romantic dates are a usual manifestation of affection. Still, there is a more inventive way to expose oneself – dedicating a special beautiful love quote to your beloved. - Author: Oscar Auliq-Ice
Funny quotes by Oscar Auliq-Ice
#120. Mother did not spend all her time in paying dull calls to dull ladies, and sitting dully at home waiting for dull ladies to pay calls to her. She was almost always there, ready to play with the children, and read to them, and help them to do their home-lessons. Besides this she used to write stories for them while they were at school, and read them aloud after tea, and she always made up funny pieces of poetry for their birthdays and for other great occasions, such as the christening of the new kittens, or the refurnishing of the doll's house, or the time when they were getting over the mumps. - Author: E. Nesbit
Funny quotes by E. Nesbit
#121. You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle. - Author: Bill Peterson
Funny quotes by Bill Peterson
#122. Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory. - Author: Molly Harper
Funny quotes by Molly Harper
#123. Some comedians you work with, they only turn on when the camera turn on, and they're like sad-faced clowns when the camera's off. And then, they come alive when the camera come on. And you be like, "Oh, damn. You're not a depressed ball of depression, but you are actually funny." - Author: Ice Cube
Funny quotes by Ice Cube
#124. Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns. - Author: David Wong
Funny quotes by David Wong
#125. It's funny how your dead when people start listening. - Author: The Band Perry
Funny quotes by The Band Perry
#126. Since when are you so 'faithful'? just a couple of years ago you would show up in your tight jeans and borrow our car to pick up one of your five girlfriends. You think that beard makes you a man of God? - Author: Dalia Sofer
Funny quotes by Dalia Sofer
#127. Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory. - Author: Abraham Lincoln
Funny quotes by Abraham Lincoln
#128. I remember interviewing someone I actually felt bad for, and therefore didn't want to take an ironic stance against him. It actually turned out to be a really funny piece. - Author: Rob Corddry
Funny quotes by Rob Corddry
#129. Her blouse, and he saw the bruised imprints of two fingers. Just then a gang of blacks came out from among the trees carrying the wounded man on a rough stretcher. "Romantic, isn't it?" Sheldon sneered, following Joan's startled gaze. "And now I'll have to play surgeon and doctor him up. Funny, this twentieth-century - Author: Jack London
Funny quotes by Jack London
#130. Joaquin Jackson's frank and colorful account of his long career as a modern-day Texas Ranger thrills like an action novel, yet the stories are true, sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, but always gripping. I could hardly put the book down ... The writing is superb. - Author: Elmer Kelton
Funny quotes by Elmer Kelton
#131. It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke. - Author: Maureen Johnson
Funny quotes by Maureen Johnson
#132. I do like any kind of project that has both comedy and drama in it because in life you don't have one day where everything is funny then the next day everything is dramatic. - Author: Topher Grace
Funny quotes by Topher Grace
#133. I know how to be funny to black audiences. - Author: Brandon T. Jackson
Funny quotes by Brandon T. Jackson
#134. Apart from anything else, I got to work with Jennifer Lawrence. She's a lovely girl. I know people often say things like that in interviews, but she really is. While she may be young, she doesn't feel at all precocious. Instead, she's smart and funny and terrific at connecting with people. She just blew me away. - Author: Julianne Moore
Funny quotes by Julianne Moore
#135. Like I said before, kids were okay from a distance, but I didn't think they'd ever replace hamsters. - Author: Janet Evanovich
Funny quotes by Janet Evanovich
#136. Better to have an education than a husband. At least you know what you're getting with the education. - Author: Morgan L. Busse
Funny quotes by Morgan L. Busse
#137. My phone buzzed in the center console again.
"What's happening with this thing?" Dad grabbed it.
"Dad, really?" I didn't want him to see the texts between Dash and me. Awkward.
"He says he knew it."
The traffic opened up, and I went right on Sunset. "Please don't scroll."
"Knew what?"
"I have no idea, and I'm driving. So forget it for now."
"I'll ask him." - Knew what? - "Dad, really?" I snapped the phone away.
Ding ding.
I couldn't look. I was going thirty on Sunset and the lights were synchronized for a westward trip, so there would be no stopping at a red.
"Let me see," Dad said, hand out.
All I needed was for my father to see something about Dash's tongue on my pussy or the way I sounded when I came. So I pulled over. - Author: C.D. Reiss
Funny quotes by C.D. Reiss
#138. Before people figured out I was funny, I got cast quite a bit as either a rapist or serial killer or the guy who catches those people. - Author: Nick Offerman
Funny quotes by Nick Offerman
#139. It was funny, Richard Sharpe thought, that there were no vultures in England. - Author: Bernard Cornwell
Funny quotes by Bernard Cornwell
#140. Crimson covered Her chest, Her throat spread wide like a mouth, and he clutched the wound.
"She's bleeding! - Author: Jenna Moreci
Funny quotes by Jenna Moreci
#141. You may not know this, but talking about mathematics eliminates any possibility of being kissed in the first place. - Author: Lisa Kleypas
Funny quotes by Lisa Kleypas
#142. I had never passed a single school exam, and clearly never would. - Author: Mary Leakey
Funny quotes by Mary Leakey
#143. You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals. - Author: George Mikes
Funny quotes by George Mikes
#144. All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit? - Author: Chris Rock
Funny quotes by Chris Rock
#145. Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep? - Author: Billy Connolly
Funny quotes by Billy Connolly
#146. Do not cry for me, Azrael. Do not waste your tears. You made your decision. And this is mine. Sacrifice seems to be my destiny. A funny thing for a selfish man, isn't it? They always called me weak back then ... - Author: Melissa De La Cruz
Funny quotes by Melissa De La Cruz
#147. The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor's cat shot right out. - Author: Scott Wood
Funny quotes by Scott Wood
#148. It was funny, in her old age, to look back and see for how short a period her nest had NOT been empty. Relatively speaking, it was nothing - empty far longer than full. so much of herself had been invested in those children; who could believe how briefly they'd been with her. - Author: Anne Tyler
Funny quotes by Anne Tyler
#149. The work of Jana Harris is unique in American writing. She has always had a voice of true grit - sometimes harsh, sometimes funny, always close to the bone, tart, and indomitable. - Author: Alicia Ostriker
Funny quotes by Alicia Ostriker
#150. A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! - Author: Henny Youngman
Funny quotes by Henny Youngman
#151. He also gave me some advice that I follow to this day: Sing in the mirror. If it looks funny, it's wrong. - Author: Renee Fleming
Funny quotes by Renee Fleming
#152. What would you like to do today?" he says. She gives him a funny look. "What are my options?" "Sky's the limit." She considers it for a moment. "Brunch?" "I say the sky's the limit and all you can come up with is brunch?" "I'm just not sure we live under the same sky. - Author: Jonathan Tropper
Funny quotes by Jonathan Tropper
#153. The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills. - Author: Richard J. Needham
Funny quotes by Richard J. Needham
#154. You're not celibate, then?" I breathe.
Amusement lights up his eyes.
"No, Anastasia, I'm not celibate. - Author: E.L. James
Funny quotes by E.L. James
#155. The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can't count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to the dry cleaner's. They're funny like that. - Author: Jim Butcher
Funny quotes by Jim Butcher
#156. The funny thing is the songs that people think are about me probably aren't. And the songs that are probably are the ones they wouldn't think ... so that's where it kind of is funny. - Author: LeAnn Rimes
Funny quotes by LeAnn Rimes
#157. Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z. - Author: Darynda Jones
Funny quotes by Darynda Jones
#158. I said, "I want to wear something funny and cool. Marjorie, could I wear your sparkly baseball hat?"

The three of us looked at Marjorie.

Now I remember thinking that her answer could change everything back to the way it was; Dad could find a job and stop praying all the time and Mom could be happy and call Marjorie shellfish again and show us funny videos she found on YouTube, and we all could eat more than just spaghetti at dinner and, most important, Marjorie could be normal again. Everything would be okay if Marjorie would only say yes to me wearing the sparkly sequined baseball hat, the one she'd made in art class a few years ago.

The longer we watched Marjorie and waited for her response, the more the temperature in the room dropped and I knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

She stopped twisting her spaghetti around her fingers. She opened her mouth, and vomit slowly oozed out onto her spaghetti plate.

Dad: "Jesus!"

Mom: "Honey, are you okay?" She jumped out of her seat and went over to Marjorie, stood behind her, and held her hair up.

Marjorie didn't react to either parent, and she didn't make any sounds. She wasn't retching or convulsing involuntarily like one normally does when throwing up. It just poured out of her as though her mouth was an opened faucet. The vomit was as green as spring grass, and the masticated pasta looked weirdly dry, with a consistency of mashed-up dog food. - Author: Paul Tremblay
Funny quotes by Paul Tremblay
#159. Religion is funny stuff, and it has unpredictable effects on those who use it. - Author: Richard K. Morgan
Funny quotes by Richard K. Morgan
#160. I see a funny guy who's imperfect, but has a great heart and no vanity when it comes to what he'll do to get a laugh. I see a guy who loves his art and loves his family, and who is willing to live and die for both. - Author: Marlon Wayans
Funny quotes by Marlon Wayans
#161. Being tall is a bug, it's funny that people tend to think it as a feature. - Author: Chathura Sandeepa
Funny quotes by Chathura Sandeepa
#162. I have a passion for teaching kids to become readers, to become comfortable with a book, not daunted. Books shouldn't be daunting, they should be funny, exciting and wonderful; and learning to be a reader gives a terrific advantage. - Author: Roald Dahl
Funny quotes by Roald Dahl
#163. The funny thing is that Dick Cheney has done more than anybody in the White House for quite a long time to throw up roadblocks against future historians. - Author: Barton Gellman
Funny quotes by Barton Gellman
#164. What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me.
"What do you mean, what happened?"
"I sensed your fear, heard you call out my name."
"I ... no, I didn't." Stone Wall, I told myself. Great Wall of China, around my thoughts.
"The Great Wall of China isn't going to do it, Violet. Come on, tell me what happened. - Author: Kristi Cook
Funny quotes by Kristi Cook
#165. Our conversation starts out pretty normal. Matthew does most of the talking, as usual. He tells me about Wesley. He tells me everything. Well, almost everything. I was lucky enough to stop him before he got into the explicit details. Wesley also helped by nudging him with his shoulder. He even covered Matthew's mouth when the conversation took a sudden turn because the word package was used. Yeah, the conversation went from sweet and romantic to soft-core porn in about two seconds. - Author: L. Arthur
Funny quotes by L. Arthur
#166. My parents were funny. My brothers were funny. We just laughed and had a good time. Growing up, it breeds that. It breeds your funny. It breeds your creativity. - Author: Kym Whitley
Funny quotes by Kym Whitley
#167. You put funny people in funny costumes and paint them green and we could talk about anything we wanted to, because that was the only thing that fascinated Gene about this particular genre. - Author: Majel Barrett
Funny quotes by Majel Barrett
#168. Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country. - Author: Ian Rush
Funny quotes by Ian Rush
#169. One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.'

THAT WAS IT.

I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.'

Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication. - Author: Aziz Ansari
Funny quotes by Aziz Ansari
#170. It's official," he declared to no one in particular. "This is the worst vacation ever. - Author: Cassandra Clare
Funny quotes by Cassandra Clare
#171. Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite. - Author: Germaine Greer
Funny quotes by Germaine Greer
#172. God, could that dopey girl dance. Buddy Singer and his stinking band was playing 'Just One of Those Things' and even they couldn't ruin it entirely. It's a swell song. I didn't try any trick stuff while we danced
I hate a guy that does a lot of show-off tricky stuff on the dance floor
but I was moving her around plenty, and she stayed with me. The funny thing is, I thought she was enjoying it, too, till all of a sudden she came out with this very dumb remark. "I and my girl friends saw Peter Lorre last night," she said. "The movie actor. In person. He was buyin' a newspaper. He's cute."
"You're lucky," I told her. "You're really lucky. You know that?" She was really a moron. But what a dancer. - Author: J.D. Salinger
Funny quotes by J.D. Salinger
#173. It's not that I can't express myself,
it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself. - Author: Kim Myungsoo
Funny quotes by Kim Myungsoo
#174. You shoot him in this car and we'll be screwed so hard, we'll be walking funny for the rest of our lives. - Author: Michelle Elaine Lowe
Funny quotes by Michelle Elaine Lowe
#175. Be nice. Funny. Smart. Generous. Kind. Feed your body with good food. Your soul with good friends. And your mind with new things. - Author: Jillian Dodd
Funny quotes by Jillian Dodd
#176. We've all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I'm tragically funny and good-looking. - Author: Rick Riordan
Funny quotes by Rick Riordan
#177. By the power of the Tri-Force, I command you to
- Author: Prashna Bari
Funny quotes by Prashna Bari
#178. For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise. - Author: Christopher Moore
Funny quotes by Christopher Moore
#179. Point is, maybe some people wouldn't want to be around me all day, but there are people out there who would. And they're smart and funny. And they like some of the same things I like and hate some of the things I hate, but they also introduce me to all kinds of new things. That's as close to 'meant to be' as I can imagine. - Author: Lauren Morrill
Funny quotes by Lauren Morrill
#180. I think funny is just the foundation. I don't really think, to some extent, funny is the absolute most important thing. It should also communicate some idea through the medium of cartooning. Just to be funny is ... You know what, the things that you laugh hardest at aren't cartoons. - Author: Robert Mankoff
Funny quotes by Robert Mankoff
#181. I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00. - Author: Henny Youngman
Funny quotes by Henny Youngman
#182. The party line is that some of the most profound truths about us are things that we stop saying in the middle, but i think they do it to make us feel important - Author: Ned Vizzini
Funny quotes by Ned Vizzini
#183. It's funny, because I sometimes feel that I'm most creative when I'm pregnant. - Author: Georgina Chapman
Funny quotes by Georgina Chapman
#184. I like the hot-cold, the sugar-salt, being able to play over-the-top and dramatic things - in the same film. Just as in my life, I can be very funny and at other times almost extinguished. - Author: Jean Dujardin
Funny quotes by Jean Dujardin
#185. I am committing suicide by cigarette, I replied. She thought that was reasonably funny. I didn't. I thought it was hideous that I should scorn life that much, sucking away on cancer sticks. My brand is Pall Mall. The authentic suicides ask for Pall Malls. The dilettantes ask for Pell Mells. - Author: Kurt Vonnegut
Funny quotes by Kurt Vonnegut
#186. There were, however, a few exceptions.
One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent. - Author: Arthur C. Clarke
Funny quotes by Arthur C. Clarke
#187. I decided that adventure was the best way to learn about writing. - Author: Lloyd Alexander
Funny quotes by Lloyd Alexander
#188. Breckin shrugs. "I'm new here. And if you haven't deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it's safe to say that I'm ... " he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. "Mormon," he whispers. - Author: Colleen Hoover
Funny quotes by Colleen Hoover
#189. So these are the fresh meat, eh?" Zuko smirked.

I cringed when he said fresh meat. How demeaning.

"Well, I don't know how well all of you can fight. So I'll find out the quickest and simplest way." He raised a scarred arm and pointed it at all of us, "ATTACK THE FRESH MEAT! - Author: L. Benitez
Funny quotes by L. Benitez
#190. The hardest thing for everyone, for the writer, for the director and certainly for the actors, is not to panic when they're doing a certain line for the tenth time because everything ceases to be funny after it's been repeated. - Author: Ivan Reitman
Funny quotes by Ivan Reitman
#191. Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. - Author: Groucho Marx
Funny quotes by Groucho Marx
#192. I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose. - Author: S.I. Hayakawa
Funny quotes by S.I. Hayakawa
#193. We're blessed on 'How I Met Your Mother' to feel like we're doing a bit of a funny playlet everyday. - Author: Neil Patrick Harris
Funny quotes by Neil Patrick Harris
#194. My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror." - Author: Frank Carson
Funny quotes by Frank Carson
#195. Oh, torture. Is this purgatory, and if it is, why is it so much like the first grade? - Author: Margaret Atwood
Funny quotes by Margaret Atwood
#196. Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener. - Author: Dick Masterson
Funny quotes by Dick Masterson
#197. Hey," she whispered to Malachi. "When are Irin considered adults?"

He was following what looked to be a quiet argument between Sari and Mala. "Full adults? Around sixty to seventy-five years. When we're finished with our training. Why?"

She flushed. Wow.

"So, you're quite the cradle robber, aren't you?"

Malachi turned to her abruptly. "What? No, I'm not."

"I'm not even thirty. That's like... a teenager to you guys."

She could see the flush crawl up his neck, even behind the beard. "You're human. You mature differently."

"But I'm not really human."

His shoulders were stiff and his posture screamed his discomfort. It was really a shame Ava found teasing him to be so amusing.

"I mean, what would your mom say if she found out you were mated-and I mean well and thoroughly mated- to what she would basically consider a kid?"

He wiped a hand over his forehead. "Heaven above, please stop talking."

"So are we going to stop fooling around now?"

He groaned. "Ava."

"I'm just yanking your chain."

"You're going to have to speak up, because the mental lecture my mother's memory is giving me right now is rather loud. - Author: Elizabeth Hunter
Funny quotes by Elizabeth   Hunter
#198. A good thing to have up your sleeve is a sanctified funny-bone. - Author: Charles Studd
Funny quotes by Charles Studd
#199. Funny thing about fear. When you cling to it, the fear grows exponentially, a monster morphing into a suffocating mass. But when you face it head-on, conquering the beast before it swallows you whole, you find there was nothing there to fear at all. The chains break, and the whole world feels lighter than ever before. - Author: Juliette Cross
Funny quotes by Juliette Cross
#200. There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George's stomach. Plaster didn't actually fall from the ceiling, but it was close. - Author: Jonathan Stroud
Funny quotes by Jonathan Stroud

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