Funny Marriage Quotes

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things. ~ Rodney Carrington

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. ~ Kristen Schaal

A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other ... until death do them join. ~ Elbert Hubbard

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. ~ Dave Barry

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. ~ Bob Monkhouse

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced 'mirage'. ~ Herbert Spencer

Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true that she had married Bob Duport. She nodded; not exactly conveying, it seemed to me, that by some happy chance their union had introduced her to an unexpected terrestrial paradise. ~ Anthony Powell

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it. ~ Heather Locklear

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there. ~ Carol Leifer

Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. ~ H.L. Mencken

There is a vast difference between treating effects and adjusting the cause. ~ Daniel D. Palmer

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me. ~ Harry Connick, Jr.

Thou mayest choose an helpmeet," said the King to me.
An helpmeet? What the great googly-moogly was that? ~ Michael Darling

You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! ~ Bill Maher

Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community. ~ Brigham Young

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. ~ Henny Youngman

Now, brethren, do not expect perfection in your choice of a mate. Do not be so particular that you overlook her most important qualities of having a strong testimony, living the principles of the gospel, loving home, wanting to be a mother in Zion, and supporting you in your priesthood responsibilities.
Of course, she should be attractive to you ...
And one good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are? ~ Ezra Taft Benson

I like marriage. The idea. ~ Toni Morrison

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.' ~ Aries Spears

True charity ought to begin in marriage, for it is a relationship that must be rebuilt every day. ~ James E. Faust

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child. ~ Robert Breault

The older I get, the less time I want to spend with the part of the human race that didn't marry me. ~ Robert Breault

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride. ~ Bernard Malamud

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' ~ Garrett Hedlund

I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. ~ Jenna McCarthy

Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion ~ Henry B. Eyring

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself ~ H.L. Mencken

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. ~ Tim Allen

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." ~ Henny Youngman

I was married once before, and I stopped. ~ Marc Maron

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' ~ William Cosmo Monkhouse

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. ~ Woody Allen

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. ~ Red Skelton

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. ~ Rick Reilly

I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one. ~ Rudyard Kipling

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. ~ Cass Daley

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. ~ Lord Chesterfield

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~ Jimmy Durante

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center. ~ Dave Barry

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman. ~ Bob Phillips

No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple of years. ~ Tom Smothers

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad. ~ Helen Rowland

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams ~ Jim Carrey

Marriage - as its veterans know well - is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected. ~ Thomas Mullen

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat
Over everything debatable and combatable
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life
Particularly if he has income and she is pattable. ~ Ogden Nash

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much. ~ Aristotle.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not. Old men want to be faithless, and cannot. ~ Oscar Wilde

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. ~ Alan King

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ~ Henny Youngman

The most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority. ~ Bruce R. McConkie

Marriage is making you soft."
"Actually, it's making me hard. ~ Vicky Dreiling

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married. ~ Jim Norton

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it. ~ Benjamin Mancroft, 3rd Baron Mancroft

What's for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. ~ Mort Sahl

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.' ~ Adam Ferrara

Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. ~ Sydney Smith

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole. ~ John Mortimer

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. ~ Sacha Guitry

I believe our differences are the little pinches of salt that can make the marriage seem more flavorful. ~ James E. Faust

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. ~ Wendy Liebman

My wife assures me she didn't sleep with Tiger Woods, but how can I believe her? ~ Tim Piper

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued. ~ Helen Rowland

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. ~ William Shakespeare

Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman! ~ Lady Randolph Churchill

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases. ~ Nia Vardalos

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life. ~ David Niven

The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. ~ Henny Youngman

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two. ~ Ray Romano

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women. ~ Gloria Steinem

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up. ~ Peter De Vries

Sometimes I even feel funny to say I'm in a biracial marriage because people are like, 'Oh, he's Asian?' The subtext is, 'Who cares? You didn't marry a black person.' ~ Diane Farr

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock." ~ William Rehnquist

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God. ~ Russell M. Nelson

There was a few seconds' pause. Then Amit said: I meant, what were you thinking just now.

When? said Lata.

When you were looking at Pran and Savita. Over the pudding.

Oh.

Well, what?

I can't remember, said Lata with a smile.

Amit laughed.

Why are you laughing? asked Lata

I like making you feel uncomfortable, I suppose.

Oh. Why?

--Or happy--or puzzled--just to see your change of mood. It's such fun. I pity you!

Why? said Lata, startled.

Because you'll never know what a pleasure it is to be in your company.

Do stop talking like that, said Lata. Ma will come in any minute.

You're quite right. In that case: Will you marry me?

Lata dropped her cup. It fell to the floor and broke. She looked at the broken pieces--luckily, it has been empty--and then at Amit.

Quick! said Amit. Before they come running to see what's happened. Say yes.

Lata had knelt down; she was gathering he bits of the cup together and placing them on the delicately patterned blue-and-gold saucer.

Amit joined her on the floor. Her face was only a few inches away from his, but her mind appeared to be somewhere else. he wanted to kiss her but he sensed that there was no question of it. One by one she picked up the shards of china.

Was it a family heirloom? asked Amit.

What? I'm sorry--said Lata, snap ~ Vikram Seth

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. ~ Thomas Mann

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure! ~ Oscar Wilde

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. ~ Woody Allen

I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband. ~ Rosanna Arquette

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! ~ Kathy Lette

No chimpanzee husband would stand by while his wife lost all her coconuts. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

There comes a time when a man and woman realize that their separate schemes can be better achieved as a conspiracy. ~ Robert Breault

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. ~ Sam Kinison

Everyone remembers the pop-quiz hotshot bit from 'Speed' because it's extremely funny, and it's really smart and really witty. And the notion that action movies can have dialogue that pops just as well as the explosions is something that I hope more people continue to remember. ~ Graham Moore

The idea that you're completing someone else in a marriage to me is death. That to me is a false start and most of us are usually taught that ... you've got to stand on your own. Then you can build something extraordinary. ~ Richard Gere

I try to write 'and it's all very funny' after each scene description so that the reader can imagine the movie in their head. ~ Noah Baumbach

She wondered what he really saw when he looked at her. God, she hoped she didn't look like his mother or anything. That would be veering into a Hitchcock shower scene that she really didn't want to be the star of. ~ Jane Cousins

Such a funny thing, time. You spend your whole life wishing there was more or less of it, never realizing that the time already given could be worth more than that which you wished for." -Davina ~ Moryah DeMott