Funny Weed Quotes

Most of the players in the league use marijuana, and I have and do partake in smoking weed in the offseason sometimes. ~ Josh Howard

Casual drug users should be taken out and shot. ~ Daryl Gates

Instead of taking five or six of the prescriptions, I decided to go a natural route and smoke marijuana. ~ Melissa Etheridge

Smoking helped put me in touch with the realm of the senses. ~ Hugh Hefner

I don't really care who's doing drugs in the NBA as long as the scene isn't adversely affecting my team and teammates. I've known enough drug users-going as far back as grade school and the streets of New York-not to view them as pariahs or lost souls. I've certainly smoked more than my quota of weed. ~ Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn't like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton. ~ Jay Leno

I experimented with marijuana a time or two. ~ William J. Clinton

Alcohol and marijuana, if used in moderation, plus loud, usually low-class music, make stress and boredom infinitely more bearable. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Of course I know how to roll a joint. ~ Martha Stewart

By regulating marijuana, we can put black market drug dealers out of business and eliminate the rebellious allure that attracts young people. ~ Sal Albanese

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake. ~ Bill Hicks

When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale. ~ Bill Clinton

I think pot should be legal. I don't smoke it, but I like the smell of it. ~ Andy Warhol

What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant. ~ Dave Chappelle

You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex."
Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an academic interest, Harry."
"Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's houses."
"Wait a minute. My academia doesn't just peep -"
I held up a hand. "Save it. I don't want to hear it."
He grunted. "You're trivializing what getting out for a bit means to me, Harry. You're insulting my masculinity."
"Bob," I said, "you're a skull . You don't have any masculinity to insult."
"Oh yeah?" Bob challenged me. "Pot kettle black, Harry! Have you gotten a date yet? Huh? Most men have something better to do in the middle of the night than play with their chemistry sets. ~ Jim Butcher

A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other ... until death do them join. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Here's some advice. Stay alive, says Haymitch, and then bursts out laughing. I exchange a look with Peeta before I remember that I'm having nothing more to do with him. I'm surprised to see the hardness in his eyes. He generally seems so mild.
'That's very funny,' says Peeta. Suddenly, he lashes out at the glass in Haymitch's hand. It shatters on the floor, sending the bloodred liquid running toward the back of the train. 'Only not to us.'
Haymitch considers this a moment, then punches Peeta in the jaw, knocking him from his chair. When he turns back to reach for the spirits, I drive my knife into the table between his hand and the bottle, barely missing his fingers. I brace myself to deflect his hit, but it doesn't come. Instead, he sits back and squints at us.
'Well, what's this?' says Haymitch. 'Did I actually get a pair of fighters this year? ~ Suzanne Collins

Twenty she curses you out by lunch," says Chris.
"Thirty she kills you by lunch," adds Logan.
"I'm getting her number."
The two of them laugh. ~ Katie McGarry

I love to stalk. I love to stalk you real, real good. I took your name home after our date and we had the best Google session of my life. ~ Anyta Sunday

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon."
Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for that. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Thing is, I'm a funny actor, but I'm not good at being funny. I'm going to ramble for a second: I'm an actor who can make things funny in the moment, like in stakes or in circumstances or out of character. ~ Matthew Lillard

I can't wait for him to visit me again. He's just so handsome, don't you think?" she asked.
I paused. "Yeah, he's cute."
"Come on, America! You have to have noticed those eyes and his voice..."
"Except when he laughs!" Just remembering Maxon's laugh had me grinning. It was cute but awkward. He pushed his breaths out, and then made a jagged noise when he inhaled, almost like another laugh in itself.
"Yes, okay, he does have a funny laugh, but it's cute."
"Sure, if you like the lovable sound of an asthma attack in your ear every time you tell a joke."
Marlee lost it and doubled over in laughter.
"All right, all right," she said, coming up for air. "You have to think there's something attractive about him."
I opened my mouth and shut it two or three times. I was tempted to take another jab at Maxon, but I didn't want Marlee to see him in a negative light. So I thought about it.
What was attractive about Maxon?
"Well, when he lets his guard down, he's okay. Like when he just talks without checking his words or you catch him just looking at something like...like he's really looking for the beauty in it."
Marlee smiled, and I knew she'd seen that in him, too.
"And I like that he seems genuinely involved when he's there, you know? Like even though he's got a country to run and a thousand things to do, it's like he forgets it all when he's with you. He just dedicates himself to what's right in front of him. I like that.
Kiera Cass

I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy. ~ Brian Andreas

I've been very luckily - I bought a house, I work, my life's been very blessed. I thought it would be funny to exaggerate the non-working side. ~ Simon Rex

And it's the wanting that pulls me back down to earth hard. The wanting scares me. It's like a weed that spreads slowly, just beneath your notice. Before you know it, it's pitted your surfaces and darkened your windows. ~ Nicola Yoon

I ... have an unnatural fondness for him, Duchess. One might even say that I love him. As a man should love a woman, really."
"Well, I would imagine the mechanics of that would be different. ~ Rhys Ford

Foul!" yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. "Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Only then could he have a sad waffle with no syrup on it for breakfast. He didn't think his mother made them properly: rumor in the village had it that waffles weren't supposed to be gray. ~ Delilah S. Dawson

I'm not a great pothead or anything like that ... but weed is much, much less dangerous than alcohol. ~ Johnny Depp

Scott Foley was always fun because he's a very funny guy. So I liked working with him a bunch. ~ Ian Gomez

He was like the not-funny, not-adorable opposite of Clay, constantly hungry but in a pushy way instead of a sweetly embarrassed way. ~ Tui T. Sutherland

When I was 12 I made some little films with my friends. I tried to make gangster films, like Fantomas, but I remember being very disappointed with them. They weren't frightening at all. I'm sure they'd be very funny now. ~ Alain Resnais

Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement. ~ Olivia Munn

Goblin tea resembles a nice cup of Earl Grey in much the same way that a catfish resembles the common tabby. They share a name, but one is a nice thing to curl up with on a rainy afternoon, and the other is found in the muck at the bottom of polluted rivers and has bits of debris sticking to it. ~ T. Kingfisher

You can tell if a person is organized by checking his desktop. ~ Ali AlJa'bari

I love actors, and I love the casting process. It's funny, like, some writers don't like actors because, I think, they are the faces of the show, and so you feel sort of secondary, but I love actors because they elevate the material; they make it better. ~ Bryan Fuller

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ... And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land" ~ Dylan Moran

YOU WILL DRINK THE COFFEE UNTIL I CAN SEE MY FACE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP!" I did not mean to roar. "But it's a clay cup." "I DO NOT CARE!" He finished the coffee. "You did not have to finish it," I said, because I could perceive that he was rebuilding the Great Wall of China with shit bricks. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

I didn't even try it but the feeling that I got from being slightly high was so nice, I was so relaxed and happy and horny. Tomorrow Claude will be coming to my house, we will bake weed brownies on mugs, order pizza and have sex all the afternoon. ~ Mariana Calderon De La Barca

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.
At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well. ~ Terry Pratchett

The only people who make love all the time are liars. ~ Louis Jordan

Funny how a single word can change everything in your life."
"It is not funny at all. Steel is power. Money is power. But of all the things in all the worlds, words are power. ~ Pierce Brown

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. ~ Steven Wright

It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. ~ Tom Colicchio

I'm just going to be the best version of me that I could possibly be and be as funny as I possibly can. I've just got to be myself and hopefully people will find me. And my audience did find me. ~ Aisha Tyler

If a guy doesn't like a funny girl, something is wrong with him. ~ Bill Hader

Years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced. ~ John Cleese

Nix and Emma: 'Looks like you just found a new talent.'
'Great. Why couldn't I be good at underwater origami or something? ~ Kresley Cole

what with the follies and an indecent proposal it's been quite a night ~ Barbra Streisand

What had been so funny? But you can never remember what you were laughing about, and even if you could, it seems doubtful that it would still be funny. ~ Rufi Thorpe

You know what i can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, i mean endlessly, i've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you? ~ David Nicholls

His ass has seen more cock than a poultry farm! ~ Lou Harper

I don't know why people thought I was retiring. ~ Billy Joel

She doesn't get it. Being funny when you don't mean to be is terrible. Having to laugh at yourself along with everyone else is humiliating. ~ Lynda Mullaly Hunt

BECAUSE OF PIETY'S PENCHANT for taking itself too seriously, theology does well to nurture a modest, unguarded sense of comedy. Some droll sensibility is required to keep in due proportion the pompous pretensions of the study of divinity. I invite the kind of laughter that wells up not from cynicism about reflection on God but from the ironic contradictions accompanying such reflection. Theology is intrinsically funny. This comes from glimpsing the incongruity of humans thinking about God. I have often laughed at myself as these sentences went through their tortuous stages of formation. I invite you to look for the comic dimension of divinity that stalks every page. ~ Thomas C. Oden

Please make yourselves at home here for a few minutes, while I attend to an errand," said the Nome King, getting up from the throne. "I shall return pretty soon, when I hope to find you pieceful - ha, ha, ha! - that's a joke you can't appreciate now but will later. Be pieceful - that's the idea. Ho, ho, ho! How funny." Then he waddled from the cavern, closing the door behind him. ~ L. Frank Baum

This was a stupendously bad idea." William
"No bitching, Mr. Death I tried to get you to leave." Devyl
"Deeth! And I regret me decision, Captain. Seriously. Should have done it when you told me to."William ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

It was like when I'd taken a trip to some foreign land and everyone asked about it when I got back: my accounts would grow similar, focusing on this impression, that cool place, a certain funny anecdote, until there was just the one account which then substituted for my memory. Remembering this tendency, I felt an honest fear. It was the familiar fear, made honest through sudden intensity, that once all the sensation had evaporated from my life the residue would be a cliché. I'd die, St. Peter would be like, "So how was it?" and I'd say, "Great place. I liked the food. I was sick for part of it. But all the people were really nice." And that would be it. ~ Benjamin Kunkel

We didn't-?" I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
"Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive," he says dryly. ~ E.L. James

I told them you'd take it like this," said Hermione with a hint of complacency.
"If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives--!"
"--because it's the first time for all of us," said Ron.
"This is different, pretending to be me--"
"Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry," said Fred earnestly. "Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever."
Harry did not smile.
"You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair."
"Well, that's that plan scuppered," said George. "Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate."
"Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance," said Fred.
"Funny," said Harry, "really amusing. ~ J.K. Rowling