Funny Valentine Quotes

You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. ~ Melanie Clark Pullen

I'm tired of love; I'm still more tired of rhyme; but money gives me pleasure all the time. ~ Hilaire Belloc

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. ~ Emo Philips

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. ~ H.L. Mencken

Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing. ~ Helen Rowland

You can't put a price tag on preparation for a pandemic. ~ Richard E. Besser

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life. ~ George Gordon Byron

Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!' ~ Russ Meneve

I didn't know the comic at all, which is really funny because I grew up here and I had friends who worked at all of the places. Like The Beguiling, which is a store here, and Suspect Video and one of my friends actually worked at Suspect and The Beguiling. So it's kind of crazy that I'd never known the books before. ~ Alison Pill

I'm not going to get too sentimental, like those other sticker valentines, 'cause I don't know if you are loving some body. I only know it isn't mine. ~ Elvis Costello

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions. ~ Dave Barry

Poirot asked:

'Whatdo you see so plainly? The witnesses? The counsel? The judge? The accused standing in the dock?'

Fogg said quietly:

'That's the reason, of course! You've put your finger on it. I shall always seeher…Funny thing, romance. She had the quality of it. I don't know if she was really beautiful…She wasn't very young-tired looking-circles under her eyes. But it all centered round her. The interest-the drama. And yet, half the time,she wasn't there. She'd gone away somewhere, quite far away-just left her body there, quiescent, attentive, with the little polite smile on her lips. She was all half tones, you know, lights and shades. And yet, with it all, she was more alive than the other-that girl with the perfect body, and the beautiful face, and the crude young strength. I admired Elsa Greer because she had guts, because she could fight, because she stood up to her tormentors and never quailed! But I admired Caroline Crale because she didn't fight, because she retreated into her world of half lights and shadows. She was never defeated because she never gave battle.'

He paused:

'I'm only sure of one thing. She loved the man she killed. Loved him so much that half of her died with him…'

Mr Fogg, K.C., paused and polished his glasses.

'Dear me,' he said. 'I seem to be saying some very strange things! I was quite a young man at the time, you know. Just an ambitious youngster. These things make ~ Agatha Christie

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?
Out of the way. - Marigold ~ Jean Ferris

What I like about you is that I've never met anybody like you in my life. You've got depth and you're funny and you have a sweet, good soul." A breeze from the water passes over us, "And I admire your strength. ~ Augusten Burroughs

So forget about blogs and bloggers and blogging and focus on this - the cost and difficulty of publishing absolutely anything, by anyone, into a global medium, just got a whole lot lower. And the effects of that increased pool of potential producers is going to be vast. ~ Clay Shirky

Ah well. When in Vegas, ignore the douches, let the good times roll, and always carry a spare set of panties in your purse, just in case. That's what Mom used to tell me. ~ Lila Monroe

Possibly I've become less funny as I've been happier. ~ Wendy Cope

So you've given away the old good and evil? asked Rose, amazed at all this rare talk from Quick.
No. No. I'll stay a cop. But it's not us and them anymore. It's us and us and us. It's always us. That's what they never tell you. Geez, Rose, I just want to do right. But there's no monsters, only people like us. Funny, but it hurts. ~ Tim Winton

I realized two things from an early age - I was insane and had some kind of comedic thing going on. My brain was wired to think about things in terms of how funny they were. ~ Aubrey Plaza

I spend a lot of time reading. ~ Bill Gates

It's funny, I see Wendy Kaminer herself as a kind of guru - a guru of the fashionably cynical set. Yet she uses the term "guru" to minimize my career, to marginalize my thoughts and to trivialize my work, as well as those of others. ~ Marianne Williamson

Oh please," Scout said."Don't take that tone with me. You know you'd love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to yourself," Self, I need a unicorn to run errands and such? ~ Chloe Neill

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all. ~ Noel Fielding

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. ~ Carrie Fisher

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. ~ George Carlin

Enormous? Did you just call me fat? ~ Cassandra Clare

She'd been pounding her location and thoughts into a device that would send those things to virtually any human with Internet access and yet looking over her shoulder had been a violation of privacy. ~ Stefan Bourque

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there. ~ Bill Madlock

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.' ~ Ken Dodd

Keep trying?
I'd rather keep walking. I mean, whisky is whisky ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. ~ Rita Rudner

It's funny how you take things like electricity for granted. You hit the button that turns everything on and it just comes on. You get used to that and it just works every single time. So what happens when it suddenly doesn't? things very well could get messy. ~ Robin Burks

It's funny, I used to do a character that was just a baby - just an adult baby. I would get up onstage and complain about adult stuff, but as a baby. I was in a diaper, and I would require hugs from the audience and reassurance and stuff. ~ John Gemberling

Dad used to say lots of funny things - like he was speaking his own language sometimes. Twenty-three skidoo, salad days, nosey parker, bandbox fresh, the catbird seat, chocolate teapot, and something about Grandma sucking eggs. One of his favourites was 'safe as houses'. Teaching me to ride a bike, my mother worrying in the doorway: "Calm down, Linda, this street is as safe as houses." Convincing Jamie to sleep without his nightlight: "It's as safe as houses in here, son, not a monster for miles."
Then overnight the world turned into a hideous nightmare, and the phrase became a black joke to Jamie and me. Houses were the most dangerous places we knew.
Hiding in a patch of scrubby pines, watching a car pull out from the garage of a secluded home, deciding whether to make a food run, whether it was too dicey. "Do you think the parasites'll be long gone?" "No way - that place is as safe as houses. Let's get out of here."
And now I can sit here and watch TV like it is five years ago and Mom and Dad are in the other room and i've never spent a night hiding in a drainpipe with Jamie and a bunch of rats while bodysnatchers with spotlights search for the thieves who made off with a bag of dried beans and a bowl of cold spaghetti.
I know that if Jamie and I survived alone for twenty years we would never find this feeling on our own. The feeling of safety. More than safety, even - happiness. Safe and happy, two things I thought i'd never feel again. Jared made us ~ Stephenie Meyer

I always thought I was funny, but I was very sensitive, and very provocative just to get a rise out of people. ~ Marc Maron

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business. ~ Washington Irving

I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it. ~ C.J. Redwine

Did you really just invite Adrian to your room later?" asked Lissa.
Avery shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes we hang out once you guys are all tucked into bed. You aren't going to get jealous, are you?"
"No," laughed Lissa.
"Just curious. Adrian's a good guy."
"Oh?" asked Christian. "Define 'good'." Avery held up her hand and began ticking items off with each finger. "He's devastatingly handsome, funny, rich, related to the queen ... "
"You got your wedding colors picked out?" asked Lissa, still laughing.
"Not yet," said Avery. "I'm still testing the waters. I figured he'd be an easy notch on the Avery Lazar belt, but he's kind of hard to read."
"I really don't want to be hearing this," Christian said. ~ Richelle Mead

Then you're dead, too, sweet little sister.'
Oh, yes,' said Valentine. 'They'll believe that. I didn't know it would kill Andrew. And when he was dead, I didn't know it will kill Valentine too. ~ Orson Scott Card

What's funny about Jesus' Son is that I never even wrote that book, I just wrote it down. I would tell these stories and people would say, You should write these things down. ~ Denis Johnson

That's what acting is about, Funny wigs and voices, that's what we do. ~ Cillian Murphy

If you do bad stuff and don't repent, you go to hell," Orc said, like he was begging for a refutation.
"Yeah, well, you know what? If Howard's in hell, I guess we can all have a big get-together soon enough. a ~ Michael Grant

Nona had been bonkers since I could remember. Dad said it was menopause, but I had looked that up once, and I highly doubted that was the case. ~ Holly Hood

Shakespeare - it's not funny. No matter how they try to make Shakespeare funny, when it's meant to be funny it's not funny. ~ Julie Walters

Heya, Arlene. What's shakin'?" Cotton greeted.
"Don't shift some of this weight, everything," Arlene replied. ~ Kristen Ashley

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?' ~ Greg Proops