Funny Valentines Day Card Quotes

I'm tired of love; I'm still more tired of rhyme; but money gives me pleasure all the time. ~ Hilaire Belloc

The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods. ~ Theodor Reik

Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing. ~ Helen Rowland

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. ~ Richard Jeni

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself. ~ Robert Orben

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. ~ Kristen Schaal

My husband has never been one to catch the subtleties of a situation. He called every Valentine's Day to ask if I wanted him to stop on the way home to get a card. Every year I said no, don't bother, and he'd say something like, "Okay, but I want to go on record I asked, so you can't say I'm not romantic." I never did point out that any chance the gesture had of being romantic was lost when he asked whether he had to do it. ~ Abby Fabiaschi

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. ~ H.L. Mencken

Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter. ~ Martha Stewart

It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, just because it has to be able to play forever. ~ Hannah Simone

In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that - oh, who cares? ~ Amy Poehler

It's funny. Friendships are Catch twenty-twos when you're single and in your thirties. Friends are your life rafts. You try to help each other meet people, you confide in each other, you spend Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, all those emotional land-mine holidays together. But sooner or later one of you is going to meet someone and be gone into the world of couples. ~ Will McIntosh

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia. ~ Frankie Boyle

Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean. ~ Ingrid Michaelson

Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!' ~ Russ Meneve

It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves. ~ John Bulwer

I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body. ~ Dion Boucicault

Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all. ~ Jimmy Fallon

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. ~ Milton Berle

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life. ~ George Gordon Byron

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore! ~ Mike Birbiglia

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. ~ Albert Einstein

It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?' ~ Laura Kightlinger

I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world. ~ Mindy Kaling

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. ~ David Letterman

I wont cry for you, my mascara's too expensive... ~ Adriana Lima

Sex, unlike justice, should not be seen to be done. ~ Evelyn Laye

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

In the days leading up to Valentine's Day, in addition to the daily letter I also made sure to send her a Valentine's card and a different bar of chocolate. I was buying really nice bars of chocolate, all different flavors and kinds. She was only allowed to eat them right there at mail call, and sometimes she would get several packages at once, so even though it was hard to do, she'd share bites of her chocolate with other people. I also made sure to give extra thought to the regular, daily letter that would arrive on Valentine's Day:

Jamie,
In the beginning of our relationship I criticized your expectations in a boyfriend. I told you that you watched too many movies and lived in a fantasy world. In a way I was asking you to settle. Even through our arguments about what was realistic and what was a fairy tale, I did everything I could to be your prince in a world where I saw you as the princess that you are. I was wrong to ever question you. Your standards never dropped and it forced me to rise up to the level needed to keep you. Like a storybook romance, I've defended your honor, showered you with love, worshipped the ground you walk on, and will faithfully wait for you while you're away. You have made me a better man. Because of you I live a life I am proud of and have become the father, brother, son, and friend my family deserves. Your love has positively affected every aspect of my life. And for that I could never repay you. But I will happily be forever y ~ Noah Galloway

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. ~ Lewis Black

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. ~ Santosh Kalwar

I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day. ~ Mo Rocca

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~ Dorothy Parker

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.' ~ George Lopez

Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,
Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don't you have ironing to do
Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card ~ Mock Of The Week The Show

I love making friends ... it's people I can't stand. ~ Linus Torvalds

Dad told Uncle Seth not to screw things up," she informed me as we washed our hands. "He said even if Uncle Seth is famous, him getting a woman like you defies belief."
I laughed and smoothed down the skirt of my dress. "I don't know about that. I don't think your dad gives your uncle enough credit."
Brandy gave me a sage look, worthy of someone much older. "Uncle Seth spent last Valentine's Day at a library. ~ Richelle Mead

It was raining that night, when we kissed for the first time. ~ Avijeet Das

poor Byron, whose car had been run over by an autopiloted eighteen-wheeler on Valentine's Day, about ~ William Gibson

I'll know coffee works without cream and sugar when I see people buying unsweetened bakers chocolate for Valentine's Day. ~ Kevin Sinnott

What to do in St Valentine's Day? Must love and love and love! What to do in other days? Must love and love and love! Because love is the atmosphere you can breathe in and do all your other jobs! Wherever there is love there is oxygen to breathe, there is life! ~ Mehmet Murat Ildan

…And I want someone emotionally available.' He slanted her a glare. 'I'm emotionally available.' 'You outlawed Valentine's Day, Avenant. ~ Cassandra Gannon