Humerous Quotes

Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet!
I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy. ~ Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

You aren't allowed back until you've learned to willingly suspend disbelief. ~ Rebecca Murphy

No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a homunculus. ~ J.P. Mac

The King had advertised the old magic tea set, but for some reason, no one wanted sugar teeth that could gouge their eyes out. ~ Heather Dixon

I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something. ~ Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Please follow these instructions:
1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly.
2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder.
3. Smack yourself over the head with it.
4. Repeat. You complete ass. ~ Leah Thomas

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! ~ Regina Griffin

You're not going to turn into a wanker, are you?" says Tone, opening a can of larger.
"What do you mean?"
"He means you're not going to get all studenty on us," says Spencer.
"Well, I am a student. I mean, I will be, so, ... "
"No, but I mean you're not gong to get all twatty and up-your-own-arse and come home at Christmas in a gown, talking Latin and saying "one does" and "one thinks" and all that ... "
"Yeah, Tone, that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do. ~ David Nicholls

A woman needs a man like a tortoise needs a crah helmet. ~ Jeanette E. Mathews

Everybody's always doing the same old things
you know, doing unto others before they can do unto you. ~ Michael Lee West

The wee little people that live in my head won't let Gulliver go. ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

Medicine's suppose to taste bad. If it's bad enough, you get well just so you don't have to drink any more of it. ~ Polgara The Sorceress

Because of Face book, Twitter, MySpace and Stumble Upon, the Home Shopping Network is probably losing millions of dollars. ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

In life ... better that your computer mouse die ... than your rabbit. ~ Timothy Pina

Aw, come on, it's just hot as hell there and my AC doesn't even make a dent. Let's try for something cooler."
~ Loki ~ ~ Lora Leigh

Where's your crown, Short Stuff?"
"Stuffed in a planter back there with my shoes. ~ Melissa A. Craven

Scary mommy confession #80920
I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my two year old permanent markers and play-doh. next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack. ~ Jill Smokler