Funny And Random Quotes

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"
He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."
I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."
He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world. ~ Saad Salman

Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can't kiss people in the morning? ~ Holly Hood

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working ~ Josh Stern

And what the hell does that even mean? Why would you serve food for thoughgs, and what kind of food? If you serve spinach, do you get healthy thoughts? If it's ice cream and candy, it is fun thoughts? Why do we say stupid things? ~ J.D. Robb

She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny. ~ Elizabeth Gaskell

I've been single so long that if I hug a brother, he'll get pregnant! ~ Tranea Prosser

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock's locker room bitch. ~ Nenia Campbell

F*ck a duck and sh*t on a goldfish cracker! ~ R.D. Cole

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. ~ Leah Broadby

I'm happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here.
'I told you I could do it ' Lio IMs me. I want to rip out that smiley's eyes. ~ Hannah Moskowitz

Remember, I'm the only person her who's paid to be nice to you. But not too nice. Give me any lip and I'll break your face. OK? ~ Orson Scott Card

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don't have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth
pointless and extremely painful.
David Palmer ~ Stephen Reid Andrews

World domination is just my side gig. ~ Tanjlisa Marie

Speaking of body decorations, I luuhhhvv your belly piercing!" Heeb said, looking at the gold ring in the center of her slim, tan waist. Despite the artic cold, Angelina had opted for a skin tight, black tube top that ended just above her belly, on the assumption that a warm cab, a winter coat, and a short wait to get into the club was an adequate frosty weather strategy. Heeb was still reverently staring at her belly when Angelina finally caught her breath from laughing.

"Do you really like it? You're just saying that so that you can check out my belly!"

"And what's so bad about that? I mean, didn't you get that belly piercing so that people would check out your belly?"

"No. I just thought it would look cool…Do you have any piercings?"

"Actually, I do," Heeb replied.

"Where?"

"My appendix."

"Huh?"

"I wanted to be the first guy with a pierced organ. And the appendix is a totally useless organ anyway, so I figured why the hell not?"

"That's pretty original," she replied, amused.

"Oh yeah. I've outdone every piercing fanatic out there. The only problem is when I have to go through metal detectors at the airport."

Angelina burst into laughs again, and then managed to say, "Don't you have to take it out occasionally for a cleaning?"

"Nah. I figure I'll just get it removed when my appendix bursts. It'll be a two for one operation, if you know what I m ~ Zack Love

Do yourself a favor,' I said. "Forget it. Forget you ever saw me."
"Forget that you tried to kill me too?"
"Yeah. That, too."
"But who are you?"
"Percy-" I started to say. Then the skeletons turned around. "Gotta go!"
"What kind of name is Percy Gotta-go?"
I bolted for the exit. ~ Rick Riordan

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco ~ Josh Stern

You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch ~ Carrie Vaughn

Darling Daddy,
This is Rose.
Very good news. Caddy is going to marry Micheal. In case you have forgotten because you have not been home for so long he is the one with the ponytail and the earring that you do not like. And Caddy says she will have a white lace dress and three bridesmaids, Saffron and Sarah and me, and a big party for everyone, all her old boyfriends too. Fireworks. A band. A big tent called a marquee. But where will we put it? Carriages with white horses for us all to go to the church. Afterward Caddy and Micheal will go for a holiday to Australia to visit the Great Barrier Reef. Caddy has it all worked out and Mummy says Yes She Can Of Course You Can Darling Of Course You Must Do That. Saffron said That Will Cost a Few Weeks Housekeeping and Mummy said Yes But We Do Not Need to Worry About That. DADDY WILL PAY.
Love, Rose. ~ Hilary McKay

I told you not to drink that much water on the drive," Sarah told her. "You never listen to me."
"Sorry I don't have the bladder of a freaking sloth."
"You mean camel," Sarah corrected.
"I meant sloth," the other girl said. "I read somewhere they only have to go once a week. ~ Alexandra Bracken

Is this your holiday homework?" asked Sarah. "Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous to give eight-year-olds homework. You will, won't you, Eve?"
"I could never spell 'iniquitous,' Sarah darling!"
"Hot concrete," said Rose mournfully, prodding her porridge.
"Write this," ordered Saffron. "'The ancient Egyptians are all dead. Their days are very quiet.' Porridge is meant to look like hot concrete. Eat it up ... Read the next question!" ...
"What would you say if you bumped into Tutankhamen in the street?"
"'Sorry!'" said Sarah at once. "Put that."
"We have to answer in proper sentences."
"'Sorry, but it was your fault! You were walking sideways! ~ Hilary McKay

[ ... ] The alpha-wolf has hurt himself [ ... ]."
"What happened to the alpha-wolf?"
"LEGOs."
"Legos?" It sounded Greek but I couldn't recall anything mythological with that name. Wasnt it an island?
"He was carrying a load of laundry into the basement and tripped on the old set of LEGOs his kids left on the stairs. Broke two ribs and an ankle. He'll be out of comission for two weeks." Curran shook his head. ~ Ilona Andrews

Remember. Make him cry uncle.
Cry uncle, my posterior. I'm going to make him cry like a girl who broke her mom's designer heels at the prom. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. ~ Regina Griffin

Hey, don't knock it. It still runs. Most of the time, even after I turn it off. Jo ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago."
"Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear? ~ MaryJanice Davidson

I thought you'd be gone by now." Velkan
"Hardly, I have to much to do." Esperetta
"Such as?" Velkan
"Apologize to you." Esperetta
"Why would you do that?" Velkan
"Because I'm stupid and pigheaded. Judgmental. Unforgiving. Mistrustful
you can stop me at anytime, you know?" Esperetta
"Why should i? You're on quite a roll. Besides, you missed the worst flaw." Velkan
"And that is?" Esperetta
"Hotheaded." Velkan
"I learned that one from you." Esperetta
"How so?" Velkan
"Remember that time you threw your boots into the fire because you had trouble getting them off?"
"I never did that." Velkan
"Yes, you did. You also gave your favorite saddle to the stable master because it scratched your leg as you dismounted and told him he could have it but, personally, you'd burn it, too." Esperetta ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

The sooner the jihadis go up to their imagined #heaven, the sooner our earth would be a heaven. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I didn't actually know what regret tasted like - but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk. ~ Angela N. Blount

Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies. ~ Kate Avery Ellison

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried ~ Josh Stern

I didn't know if I could stop her with one blow. But I could whack the crap out of her. ~ Rachel Vincent

Now there's a girl I don't want to mess with' - or at least, that's what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people. ~ Nenia Campbell

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required. ~ Wes Adamson

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator ~ Josh Stern

If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won't argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from. ~ Jesse Ball

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Even the Thanksgiving when her parents had just divorced, Hoosier Pie made the cut. ...They also, incidentally, made a pumpkin pie, but it fell on the floor, a classic example of survival of the fittest ~ Molly Wizenberg

I didn't know where this stuff was coming from - all of a sudden I was a little magickal sprite, bonding with my stone, feeling my earth roots, la la la ...
All I can is describe the way it felt. And that was how it felt. So sue me.
Was I swaying? I felt like I might be swaying. ~ Cate Tiernan

I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it. ~ Tom Althouse

Alice smiled her wide smile. The crooked incisor smile. ~ Jennifer Mathieu

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

How funny are dogs? ~ John Marsden

Please follow these instructions:
1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly.
2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder.
3. Smack yourself over the head with it.
4. Repeat. You complete ass. ~ Leah Thomas

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. ~ Nenia Campbell

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping. ~ Christy Leigh Stewart

You're going to throw me naked into a pit and make me drench myself in baby lotion, aren't you?" Bride
You live in New Orleans, where they can't even dig a grave. So tell me where I'm going to find this pit?" Vane
"It's an above ground pit." Bride
"Hardly secretive." Vane
"But possible," Bride ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Afternoon experience: autographing exposed legs, outstretched in lines like matchsticks.
Afternoon epiphany: Those with smooth, hairless legs would soon lose all evidence of my contact when the sweat causes the ink from the marker to run. I am ephemeral. Skepticism would be the reaction to those with thick leg hair, as their curls frazzle the lines of my name outward illegibly. Among the scaly-legged, I flaked off immediately, like I never was at all. ~ Benson Bruno

I wish kids at school would quit calling me a porno dork-face, though. There wasn't any sex involved! I got knocked out, I panicked and called the cops. Okay, somewhere along the line everybody's clothes fell off, but that's not exactly a federal crime. Is it? I hope you don't work for the FBI. (You don't, do you?)
- Email Excerpt (Page: 21)
From: Douglas Bracken
To: Dr. Rita I. Milton
Sent: Friday, November 08 - 5:05 PM
Subject: Pressing Concerns ~ Kathleen Jeffrie Johnson

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. ~ Nenia Campbell

My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird. ~ Stephanie Perkins

Sometimes charm can make a person blind to truth ... look at Ted Bundy. ~ Shelley K. Wall

People in hell want snowcones. ~ Nora Roberts

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you're having a churro. ~ Rucy Ban

Darling Daddy,
This is Rose.
Saffy says everyone says it is Indigo's fault that their Head has two black eyes and a swelled-up nose.
Love from Rose.
P.S. Sarah who is here says to tell you love from wheelchair woman too.
Rose's father telephoned especially to tell Rose not to call Sarah Wheelchair Woman.
"That's what she called herself," protested Rose. "She thought of it! Aren't you worried about what I told you about Indigo and the Head?"
"What?" asked Bill. "Oh that! Two black eyes and a swollen nose! I don't think I can believe that one, Rose darling! ~ Hilary McKay

Poseidon's underpants! You can't be serious. ~ Rick Riordan

I rolled my eyes. "Do all narcotics officers lack basic human
compassion, or were you just not hugged enough as a child?"
Trust Me ~ L.A. Witt

I bet the very first piñata was surprised. "Oh, hey a party! Cool! What's the occa - HEY, WHAT THE HELL, KID? ~ Jessica Park

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs ~ Josh Stern

Cabal. Cabal. Cabal. I summon you to me. Now."
Simi and Kody exchanged a look that said he was as crazy as he suddenly felt when nothing happened.
Great, Dad. I can look stupid on my own. Didn't really need you to help out on that front.
That was his thought until he heard a curse and something slammed into him, knocking him against the wall. Nick shoved his attacker away, then froze as he looked into a pair of familiar, startled brown eyes.
Now this was the giant badass-tough demon that Nick was used to.
"Malphas?"
Tense and braced to fight, Caleb turned around slowly, surveying every aspect of his new surroundings. He paused as he faced Kody and Simi. "Where the heck am I? And how did I get here?"
Kody pointed to Nick. "Apparently, Nick summoned you."
"Nick?" Caleb glanced right past Nick and kept searching the room with his gaze. "Our Nick? Where is the little booger?"
She gestured even more exaggeratedly at Nick's position. "Right there."
Caleb's jaw went slack as he faced him."Nick?"
"Caleb?"
The word had barely left his lips before Caleb grabbed him into a bear hug and held him tight. Which was extremely awkward and gross. Completely weirded out by it, Nick tried to disentangle himself from the demon. It wasn't like Caleb to show any emotion toward him other than irritation or frustration. Sometimes anger.
"Stop C! If you're going to hug me like this, you got to buy me dinner first, boy. And it's got to be ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Imogene always sits
on the remote. It's probably wedged between her butt cheeks."
"Should I go get a crowbar? ~ Kirsten Miller

Believe you me, I am all for you; and wish you well - for you to go to hell. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

He looked earnestly at me, as if that was important to me. ~ Raymond Chandler

What's purple mean?"
Adrian put his hand on the door. "Gotta go, Sage. Dont want to keep Dorothy waiting ~ Richelle Mead

Um ... Falcyn?"Medea
"What's my brother doing?" Blaise
"Holding me in an awkwardly tight manner. It's very strange" Medea
"But is he sitting on you?" Blaise
" ... Why? should I be worried?" Medea
"Well, it means he's not trying to hatch you. Yet. That's always a bonus." Blaise ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Darling Daddy,
Poor Saffy. She had a big fight in the boys toilets on Monday, did you know? A very big fight and Sarah helped and it was terrifying. Said a boy in my class who has a brother who was there.
Saffy washed her hands and said Never Ever Never Dare You Touch My Brother. (Indigo). And the plug holes were blocked with hair.
Love from Rose.
-Sarah's mother has given us soup. Soup soup soup and then it was all gone.
L.F.R. ~ Hilary McKay

Care to explain?" Ari asked.
"Didn't you see my signals?"
"Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion."
"It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion."
"That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal.
"That's what I did."
"No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky."
"I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions."
-Janco and Ari bickering ~ Maria V. Snyder

Lying on the ceiling. Refusing to go to school. Not opening up to me. Climbing water towers. No, she's all right. ~ Kami Garcia

Look at her," he ordered. "She's foaming at the mouth. That's bad, right? Don't they shoot you when you do that?"
"She's blowing bubbles," Grace explained. "At three months, we say it's cute. We frown on it when a child turns six. At thirteen, a stem reprimand is in order. It's only bubble-blowing adults we shoot. ~ Day Leclaire

Dear Fly,

I love you. If you are a mouse I am cheese. If you are a cat I am a mouse. You are a fly, so I want to be shit. ~ Casey Scieszka

So if you are what you eat and you are as young as you feel, then I am a pizza, right out of the oven. ~ Tom Althouse

Thanks for coming, Zach told him. He slapped Jonas on the back. And I felt like I'd fallen into an alternate universe. One where Zach had ... friends. ~ Ally Carter

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew - in jeggings. ~ Nenia Campbell

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up! ~ Tanya Masse

And so the cycle of innocence found, lost, found again, and finally

lost is complete. Just as a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut… and a thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master… so our hero learned that

Netflix and Chill means neither Netflix nor Chill.

And if you're just learning this for the first time, welcome to the end of your innocence. ~ Philip Rivera

Nevertheless, he was already a sick man. He had gotten more than gas at Bill Hapscomb's Texaco. And he gave Harry Trent more than a speeding summons. ~ Stephen King

I showed him the Post-it. "You see They're from Lily."

"Who's Lily?"

"Some girl."

"Ooh... a girl!"

"Boomer, we're not in third grade anymore. You don't say, 'Ooh... a girl!'"

"What? You fucking her?"

"Okay, Boomer, you're right. I liked 'Ooh... a girl!' much more than that.
Let's stick with 'Ooh... a girl! ~ David Levithan

Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Merle. ~ The Walking Dead

That which must not, can not be. ~ Christian Morgenstern

I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks. ~ Molly Harper

(About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts. ~ Terry Pratchett

You're not the butcher, selling sausages. You're the cow, pre-sausage. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

The answer to every problem involved penguins ~ Rick Riordan

I decided the reason why Luccas rushed off was he was allergic to the food that they had brought out. Not paying compliments to the decorations, I poked at the squid with a fork making sure it was dead. Yuck, it reminded me of squid shaped spaghetti. My mind imagined it struggling to break free from my fork. Its legs flopped back and forth, to the sides almost as if it danced. Then to eat it while it squirmed after every bite; chomp, chomp, chomp. On the other hand, you could also eat it raw, but I suppose that was where the squirming comes in. Hmm ... Any who ... Before we get off topic, I finally ate it. Yes, even with the gross images in mind. ~ Millicent Ashby

You don't like Blue, do you?"
"No," Mira said, caught off guard by the change of subject.
"I was worried he was doing his knight-in-tarnished-armor thing and it was winning you over. ~ Sarah Cross

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow ~ Josh Stern

World is so full of idiots that you can't even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one! ~ Raheel Farooq

Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. Narcissus is a loser! He's so weak, he can't bench-press a Kleenex. He's so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it's got a picture of Narcissus - only the picture's so ugly, no one ever checks it out. ~ Rick Riordan

At fifty times the distance, you dispatched that ko-bold with three arrows to the neck. I've earned a trio to the chest. Seems you slapped him while you're tickling me. You doona want to kill me, which is a good sign. Maybe this is your way of flirting? ~ Kresley Cole

Who is your favorite character in the series? Or ... if that's too hard, why do you like each one and who drives you crazy?
Puck: Well, she likes me best, of course. I'm the handsome, charming one.
Ash: Yes, that's why she gave you your own book. Oh, wait.
Puck: No one asked you, ice-boy. ~ Julie Kagawa

Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.
She started to climb up his body again.
"Are you having fun?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're on the fucking moon!" she shouted. "There's nothing here!"
He stared at her. "I don't think you're having fun."
"No air!"
He shook his head. "Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of course
there's no air or atmosphere outside this bubble - "
"Ofcoursethere'snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN ... "
"Grace," he roared in her face. ~ Thea Harrison

Nothing will go wrong,Micheal said soothingly. Me and you? We've been through to much together. And your too unpleasant to die.Too bossy.God will keep you down here for a while until you learn your lesson and start learning to work and play well with others. Now your talking.Will you go with me a week from Friday when I get my biopsy? Wild horses and an evil head nurse with rubber gloves couldn't keep me away.
Now your just being gross. ~ Erica Orloff

I guess it's worth a shot. More than likely a wasted bullet, but I'll fire anyway. ~ Brandy Nacole

Sicarius, are you ready for a hike?"
She faced him only to find he had armed himself - more so than usual. In addition to his daggers and throwing knives, he held two rifles, two pistols, two cargo belts laden with ammo pouches, and a bag of his smoke grenades.
"Or a single-handed all-out assault on the forest? ~ Lindsay Buroker

Mr. Taylor has this habit of emphasizing his point by using three adjectives or verbs in a row. 'Class, you must know,' Simon begins [imitating] in a droning voice, flinging her arms around at every syllable, 'that should you fail to understand, to comprehend, to FEEL the power of the Constitution's words you will lose, forfeit, SURRENDER your ability to master the meaning of this most important document. You must read with an open mind in order to nurture, care for, and FOSTER your citizenship. Do I make myself clear, succinct, and COMPREHENSIBLE? ~ Randa Abdel-Fattah

Holy mama llama. That's Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I'm supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I'm going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap. ~ D.L. Hess

Do animals understand the concept of dreams or do they think they enter another dimension when they get tired? ~ Christy Leigh Stewart

Leave me alone, or I will shoot," a woman's husky voice rang out through the broken window. "I'm not too afraid to blow your ass right back to whatever hell you come from. ~ Rose Wynters

I've got to get my body back. While I like wearing you, I'd rather wear you as a blanket on top of me and not the skin I'm walking around in. It has this whole Hannibal Lecter aspect that's really creeping me out."Jo
"Hannibal Lecter?" Cadegan
"It's a TV show and book character. Not really important. Like a wombat in a blender." Jo
"I'm not sure what this blender is, but I think I should be feeling bad for that poor wombat." Cadegan ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Not that I don't appreciate the rescue," Holt said. "But I'm forced to ask, in the interest of self-preservation ... exactly how well armed are you right now? ~ Rachel Vincent