Funny But True Quotes

Owning a gun proves "In God we trust" is a lie. If you actually trusted in God, you wouldn't feel like you need a gun. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

They only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn't understand tractor pulls, either. ~ John Barnes

We can beat our swords into plowshares, and we can beat our plowshares into swords, but as far as computers go, a hammer can only change the shape of the junk, not it's function. ~ Jury Nel

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

He started to look back, but he knew better. That fool always got eaten in the movies. And Nick didn't want to be on anyone's menu. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

It was a running joke; everyone was aware of how ridiculous the rumor mill was, and yet they all shamelessly participated in it. ~ Jamie McGuire

Perhaps its time to dumb down our "smart" life. We are being tracked, listened to, data mined, recorded, and so much more without our real knowing or understanding. When are we going to make a stand for our right to privacy? That's Tremendo Bullship! ~ Rosangel Perez

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be. ~ Criss Jami

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. ~ Criss Jami

Selective hearing ... typical male. Maybe he was human after all ... ~ Cameo Renae

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. ~ Solange Nicole

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? ~ George Carlin

Stoplights and love can be cruel ~ Sesame Street

People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Boys do suck the brains out of smart girls. ~ K.A. Tucker

For me, the times I always regret are missed opportunities to say farewell to good people, to wish them long life and say to them in all sincerity, "You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress." Too often I never get to say that when it should be said. Instead, I leave them with the equivalent of a "Later, dude!" only to discover there would be no later for us. ~ Kevin Hearne

Scroll through a list of books online, and you will find page after page after page of book covers with shirtless guys and titles that scream BILLIONAIRE ROMANCE! or ALPHA-MALE PARANORMAL WEREWOLF ROMANCE! or something equally ridiculous. All these shitty books look like clones of each other. There's not an original thought in sight. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off. ~ Oliver Markus

The thing about being an unstoppable force is that you can really only enjoy the experience of being one when you have something to bash yourself against. You need to have things trying to stop you so that you can get a better sense of how fast you are going as you smash through them. And whenever I was inside the dinosaur costume, that is the only thing I wanted to do. ~ Allie Brosh

Well, it's true for every elder sibling, We have this supremely potent weapon "parents " on our side in such matters. In fact, such are the times when our maturity works wonders in hitching parents to our side over these younger siblings. ~ Parul Wadhwa

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination. ~ Criss Jami

If a religious book makes you harbor ill thoughts about those with differing faith, then, you're reading the wrong crap of late. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. ~ Regina Griffin

Why ban guns? Let's give everyone a rocket launcher! What could possibly go wrong? ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

There's no denying Bird-man's well-intentioned heart. He's a good guy, not the type of prick who would take your favorite Stryper t-shirt on tour and bequeath it to some random trollop he hooks up with while conveniently forgetting you ever existed. ~ Shauna Cross

Growing up I sometimes imagined that for Christ's return perhaps He would appear as 'Black Jesus' to white people and 'White Jesus' to black people just to screw with the racists. ~ Criss Jami

It is not against the law to be a nincompoop. If so, I would have a rap sheet as long as my arm. ~ Sue Ann Jaffarian

Well sue me for staring. I'd be willing to scrub away my shame on his washboard abs. ~ Tia Giacalone

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. ~ Criss Jami

Keith much preferred cats. A cat wouldn't go mad at a man traversing a wall in the dead of night; it would shrug and lick its arse ~ Simon Dunn

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can,
politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot.
Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,
looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips. ~ Tom Althouse

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. ~ Criss Jami

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. ~ Scott Adams

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. ~ Carroll Bryant

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others ~ Yana Toboso

I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it. ~ Tom Althouse

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

If they weren't staring at a fellow, they were laughing at him. ~ Wilson Rawls

A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what size of the onion, the dish or the woman ~ Terry Pratchett

Most people are but a fake-art, and as real as a concealed fart. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. ~ Carroll Bryant

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! ~ Regina Griffin

I have only one heart to give and one mind to lose. May I someday find a woman who will take them both. ~ Michael W. Grimard

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence. ~ Mie Hansson

When you say someone is stubborn and irrational because they're black, that's racism. When you say someone is stubborn and irrational because they're female, that's sexism. When you say someone is stubborn and irrational because they're a leo, that's astrology. Notice a pattern? It's all nonsense. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

I'm the one who should apologize,' he said. 'I want to help, but I know I won't be able to. I haven't go the answers to anything.'
'That's what men think, isn't it?'
'What?'
'That unless you've got some answer, unless you can say, "Oh, I know this bloke in Essex Road who can fix that for you", then it's not worth bothering.'
Will shifted in his seat and didn't say anything. That was precisely what he thought; in fact, he had spent half the evening trying to think of the name of the bloke in Essex Road, metaphorically speaking. ~ Nick Hornby

If Fifty Shades is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Nick snorted. "Fine. Whatever. We've got to find him. If for no other reason, we don't need him to do something that could out himself in public."
"Yeah," Caleb said sarcastically. "They have laws against exposing yourself in public. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

You're sad? I'll cheer you up. You're upset? I'd love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you. ~ Werley Nortreus

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are. ~ Oliver Markus

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl ... because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol ~ Fee Scott

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make! ~ Criss Jami

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. ~ Lew Wasserman

Why is it so hard for many erotica authors to admit that erotica is porn? Everyone loves porn! ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time. ~ Julie Powell

I cranked the volume on the stereo and sang at the top of my lungs to an old Britney Spears song, my possession and enjoyment of which, I hoped, would remain a secret between me and my car. ~ Heather Hildenbrand

I come from a long line of miserable people. ~ Arlene Schindler

Generally it appears the case that, when faced with all life's problems, the baby, he wants to cry about everything, the child wants to question everything, the teenager wants to rebel against everything, the young adult wants to solve everything, the middle-aged adult wants to protect everything, and the elder wants to accept everything. ~ Criss Jami

If it's true that men and women can be 'just friends' then how come all cheaters first start out as 'just friends? ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!! ~ Eoin Colfer

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair. ~ Criss Jami

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous. ~ Nobita Nobi

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger. ~ Karon Waddell

The problem with Trump voters is, they're so dumb, they don't even know how much stuff they don't know. They just assume nobody else knows more about evolution or global warming than they do. If they don't understand how it works, they think nobody understands how it works. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

And so the cycle of innocence found, lost, found again, and finally

lost is complete. Just as a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut… and a thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master… so our hero learned that

Netflix and Chill means neither Netflix nor Chill.

And if you're just learning this for the first time, welcome to the end of your innocence. ~ Philip Rivera

At this point, the analysis of gene expression in the brain isn't prectical because current (and foreseeable)techniques require that we analyze a piece of brain tissue. Most people find that unpleasant. ~ Matt Ridley

Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. ~ Charles M. Schulz

Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn't go to Troy for the baklava. ~ Mark Leiren-Young

You're not the butcher, selling sausages. You're the cow, pre-sausage. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Dog love is blind. For that matter, dog love is stupid. ~ Rob Sheffield

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda. ~ Brian MacLearn

I don't want to hear what anyone has to say about my life. Living it is hard enough. ~ C.D. Reiss

BROADBENT [stiffly]. Devil is rather a strong expression in that
connexion, Mr Keegan.

KEEGAN. Not from a man who knows that this world is hell. But
since the word offends you, let me soften it, and compare you
simply to an ass. [Larry whitens with anger].

BROADBENT [reddening]. An ass!

KEEGAN [gently]. You may take it without offence from a madman
who calls the ass his brother--and a very honest, useful and
faithful brother too. The ass, sir, is the most efficient of
beasts, matter-of-fact, hardy, friendly when you treat him as a
fellow-creature, stubborn when you abuse him, ridiculous only in
love, which sets him braying, and in politics, which move him to
roll about in the public road and raise a dust about nothing. Can
you deny these qualities and habits in yourself, sir?

BROADBENT [goodhumoredly]. Well, yes, I'm afraid I do, you know.

KEEGAN. Then perhaps you will confess to the ass's one fault.

BROADBENT. Perhaps so: what is it?

KEEGAN. That he wastes all his virtues--his efficiency, as you
call it--in doing the will of his greedy masters instead of doing
the will of Heaven that is in himself. He is efficient in the
service of Mammon, mighty in mischief, skilful in ruin, heroic in
destruction. But he comes to browse here without knowing that the
soil his hoof touches is holy ground. Ireland, sir, for good or
evil, i ~ George Bernard Shaw

She was supportive, didn't pry or expect anything from me, and sensed when I needed my space. If she were a guy, I'd probably date her. Or, if I were a lesbian. And if she were a lesbian. I guess we'd both have to be lesbians for that to work. Regardless, she made a pretty great friend. ~ Temple West

There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon. ~ Criss Jami

Ten short years ago, nobody had ever heard of a selfie. But today every decent cell phone has not one but two cameras, so you can take idiotic duck face pictures. And don't forget the billion dollar selfie-stick industry. Capitalism has found a whole new way to turn our vanity into profit. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Falling in love and falling to your death feel about the same, I thought. And I almost laughed. ~ Shannon Hale

Sex is like pizza: if you're going to use BBQ sauce, you better know what the fuck you're doing. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Holy crap, Caleb! You're my uncle." Nick
"No!" Caleb
"It's worse. He's the half-brother of your great-grandfather." Kody
"You're not helping." Caleb
"No, but I'm entertaining myself at your adorable expense." Kody
"Yeah, y'all are missing the important fact. To a Cajun, that makes him my uncle." Nick
"Great. I always wanted to be a monkey's uncle. Nice to know I finally succeeded." Caleb ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Why do women love to read about sexually aggressive billionaire bad boy alpha males but condemn the same behavior in real life? ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

It's funny but true: you can much more easily bottle up an emotion when it's hi-grade nuclear. You give away
the little things, but with some small ingenuity, you can conceal some really fucked-up shit, especially in plain
sight. If you can't extract the elephant from the room, paint the walls grey. Just be mindful not to step on
either end of it after. ~ Michael Reilly

When boys get mad its not so bad
When girls get mad world WW3 is about to start! ~ P.C. Cast

...if you aren't, at any given time, scandalized by code you wrote five or even three years ago, you're not learning anywhere near enough ~ Nick Black

Every Hero Becomes a Bore at last." Ralph Waldo Emerson ~ Tim O. Casey

She shuddered. What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then. ~ Tammara Webber

Google, Facebook helps people than people helps people, in today's world ~ Jeevagan Nagarajan

I am not pointing fingers, but rather pointing at the facts, as the facts point fingers, regardless ~ Nathan Hong

You might be an introvert if you were ready to go home before you left the house. ~ Criss Jami

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing. ~ Criss Jami

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism. ~ Criss Jami

I hate watching people blow all operational security, and spew their guts like a teenage burglar, drunk in a bar. We're professionals, for Christ's sake, and she's just a prole. ~ Bruce Sterling

Sometimes I wonder how many others you're texting while you're texting me. ~ Abdul'Rauf Hashmi

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it. ~ Criss Jami

By(e) pen, I've tried my hand at poetry; only to see how boring it is to me. That is, unless I get a chance to destroy each and every piece while doing it as I please. ~ Criss Jami

Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

If everything Fox News says about liberals were actually true, I'd hate liberals too. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Being unique is what's cool man. Being normal? What's that? That's a setting on a washing machine. Nobody wants to be that. ~ Ashley Purdy

Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat? ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower. ~ Oliver Markus