Witty Quotes

How can you love me if you don't even know me?" He lifted my arms around his neck and placed his hands on the small of my back.
"I know you, Jade. You're witty and stubborn, like when you wanted to get rid of me at the bar in San Diego. And you're sweet and caring, like when you talked to my mother at the hospital. And you can drink like a sailor. " He chuckled. "And you hardly ever blush, but when you do it's like the sunshine." Then, he whispered in my ear with a husky voice, "And you make love with your soul."
Peter gave my earlobe a quick nibble. "I couldn't care less about energy. It might have brought us together, but I only care about you. I want to spend the rest of my days with you; no matter if it'll be ten or ten thousand."
Despite myself, I felt my eyes burn from tears I wasn't ready to shed.
Still, I couldn't say it.
"Peter..." I kissed him with all the tenderness I found in my heart and said, "the tub is about to
spill."
"Oh, shit." He jerked away from me, turned the water off and unplugged the tub, then hugged
me again with wet hands. "All we need is time, Jade. You'll see this love is real. ~ Denyse Cohen

Music has shaped men's fashion, and transposed in a playful and witty manner its riding or military heritage. It is difficult to figure out who leads, but music and fashion are connected genetically. ~ Hedi Slimane

Alexia found herself surrounded and embraced by a room of such unmitigated welcome and personality that it was akin to being yelled at by plum pudding. ~ Gail Carriger

Who can prove Wit to be witty when with deeper ground Dulness intuitive declares wit dull? ~ George Eliot

Yes it's going really well. We are planning on having a baby together. ~ Shahrukh Khan

I've got a little baby, I made him ... He doesn't speak, he's 2 ... He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words ... car and map ... I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble! ~ Michael McIntyre

He used to make me feel that nothing I said was witty enough or sarcastic enough or smart enough. He was always struggling to be different, even when it didn't matter. It was as if he was performing his life instead of living his life. ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Well,' Frederick had said, 'I will see what can be arranged, Archie. But I will not have the girl frightened or compromised.'
'You sound like a grandfather who has raised fifteen daughters and is now starting on his granddaughters, Freddie,' Lord Archibald had said. 'It is most disconcerting. ~ Mary Balogh

I'm a Buddhist. You might have a Christian obligation to catch pneumonia while you sit for two and a half hours listening to some twerp in a dress drone on about the virtue of wedded life but, dear as you are to me, I don't. ~ Natasha Pulley

Birdscapes moves rather like those swallows, dipping and swerving to pick up all sorts of items of interest. Mynott tells plenty of good birding tales, but these serve mainly to set off trains of reflection ... Reading Birdscapes is like going birding with a learned, witty, and somewhat irreverent companion who isn't satisfied just to check things off ... [D]elightful to read on a journey or a housebound day, and [opens] fascinating new horizons for anyone who wants to enlarge his or her interest in birds. ~ Robert O. Paxton

In expanding the field of knowledge we but increase the horizon of ignorance. ~ Henry Miller

Judy Garland had this wonderful spontaneity that you just don't see anymore. She was such a witty, witty woman. And when you listen to her on ... ~ Charles Busch

I praise God for you, sir: your reasons at dinner have been sharp and sententious; pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, audacious without impudency, learned without opinion, and strange with-out heresy. ~ William Shakespeare

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. ~ Gore Vidal

[On Italian:] One may almost call it a language that talks of itself, and always seems more witty than its speakers. ~ Madame De Stael

A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny. ~ Umberto Eco

They made comments about the women's legs, but, as they were not witty, their remarks had no finesse. Since their emotion was not torn by any point, they quite naturally skidded along on a stagnent ground of poetry. ~ Jean Genet

His mentality was dressed up as a moral code, but when naked, was simply a preference. ~ J.S. Mason

My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty. ~ Ian Hislop

Once you've read too many trashy best-sellers, you begin to look for something with substance, something that attempts to define the universe. ~ Jessica Zafra

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action. ~ Mae West

There are no facts, only interpretations. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. ~ Quentin Crisp

There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden's brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload. ~ Courtney Kirchoff

Poesy is a beauteous damsel, chaste, honourable, discreet, witty, retired, and who keeps herself within the limits of propriety. She is a friend of solitude; fountains entertain her, meadows console her, woods free her from ennui, flowers delight her; in short, she gives pleasure and instruction to all with whom she communicates. ~ Miguel De Cervantes

That's the secret to life ... replace one worry with another. ~ Charles M. Schulz

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn't have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name. ~ Rucy Ban

I have ceased to care about anything. I have no personal ambition, or even the desire that people call me nice, or pretty, or witty. Nor do I have any use for sensation, nor do I care. Cessation. It is a technical circle, encircling, cycle, of giving the body to be burned, but having no charity.
... What can I do? For without love I am truly dead. ~ Elizabeth Smart

Lately she can read a novel in two hours. She has always been an avid reader, but these days she can read much faster. The colors, the conversations, everything is much more vibrant and inclusive, as if opening a book releases genies trapped inside. The scenes and people between their covers sometimes seem more vivid than real life, with their sunny, pearl-toothed characters, the witty conversation, the handsome stranger squeezed into a subway car or knocking about on the street. Sometimes, when she finishes a book at record speed, Dana feels a slight letdown, as if a good friend has hung up the phone in the middle of a conversation. ~ Susan H. Crawford

Some people say, "Never let them see you cry." I say, if you're so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. ~ Tina Fey

In crises of this sort the Dyckmanns had usually found it effective to stare into space, encouraging the long pause that might fetch the witty words, 'Well, dear, we must go.' But the Bairds were on an entirely different wavelength, and this was the fault of the Dyckmanns. With the removal of the bottles it had been the mutual impulse of the Bairds to shoot out the door, but their second thought was that they must not... (from "Dinner on the Rocks" (1954) by Dawn Powell) ~ Diana Secker Tesdell

Ancient aphorisms outlived centuries. Modern aphorisms can barеly survive from book to book. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying. ~ Mae West

I wish I knew what you were talking about," she returned. "Where's
the pin?"
"Pin?"
"Yes. Pin. To fasten the diaper. The kid can't hold the thing up with
two hands. ~ Emma Goldrick

You flunked out of Being a Human 101 but aced Assholery III? The sarcastic sneer on her lovely lips was sexy as fuck and I couldn't help laughing at the witty comeback. ~ Raine Miller

Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use. ~ Ruth Gordon

Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Jehovah's Witness? Don't sweat it. I'm going to hell, already booked my ticket. Bright side? I'm pagan. Your hell is my heaven ... if for no other reason than you won't be there. ~ Dennis Sharpe

Old Madame du Deffand and her friends talked for fifty years without stopping. And of it all, what remains? Perhaps three witty sayings. So that we are at liberty to suppose either that nothing was said, or that nothing witty was said, or that the fraction of three witty sayings lasted eighteen thousand two hundred and fifty nights, which does not leave a liberal allowance of wit for any one of them. ~ Virginia Woolf

I'm in the back of a limousine with Charlie Chaplin and it's 1928. Charlie is beautiful; his body language seems to skip, and reel and rhyme, heartbreaking and witty at the same time. It seems to promise a better world. ~ Geoff Ryman

I often feel I'm a disappointment to people because they expect me to be the guy in the books. When I sit next to someone at a dinner party I can see they expect me to be quick and witty, and I'm not at all. ~ Bill Bryson

It's like you are oozing magic." Tari rolled her eyes.
"Yes I am an all-powerful witch," she said sarcastically.
"No. Not a witch, but something. I can't explain it. It's as if magic is your friend," Ivy continued. ~ S.K. Whiteside

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. ~ Oscar Wilde

I may just be on the outskirts of being okay. ~ Pawan Mishra

You're impossible," she told him.
"Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. ~ David Eddings

Remember what you won't get if you don't mind, her grandfather remarked. ~ Flannery O'Connor

Just being your friend is going to be hard, but I'll try. It's just that . . . I like you. You're witty and sweet, and you happen to be the most infinitely beautiful woman I've ever met. ~ Renee Carlino

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate. ~ Theodore Kaczynski

Pearls are congealed oyster spit. ~ Margaret Atwood

Kiss me, and you'll live forever. You'll be a frog, but you'll live forever. ~ Norman Spinrad

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced 'mirage'. ~ Herbert Spencer

You have this maddening little smile sometimes, like you've just thought of something incredibly witty but are afraid to say it in case no one gets the joke. ~ Robyn Schneider

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. ~ Emma Goldman

Childhood friends are continuity, uninterrupted connections between selves, and you hold on them. You hold on them and you love them, but sometimes they're not quite comfortable. ~ Lynn Messina

I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid. ~ Paris Hilton

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. ~ Gloria Steinem

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Observation:

Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013 ~ Lisa Tolliver

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ. ~ Woody Allen

Some BuzzFeed articles are written by smart people who use complete sentences. Some of the disposable lists are witty and appear to have taken some effort to put together. ~ Alex Pareene

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. ~ Ogden Nash

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. ~ Walter Matthau

People with looks are lovely. People with brains are witty. People with cash are wealthy. But people with God are truly happy. ~ Joe Mari Fadrigalan

Life is meaning less when you realized that you are about to die. Till then, everything negative however trifle they may be, depress you. ~ Ankur Basu Roy

There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be. ~ Charles Pierce

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. ~ George Carlin

There are three estates in Parliament but in the Reporters' Gallery yonder there sits a Fourth Estate more important far than they all. It is not a figure of speech or witty saying, it is a literal fact, very momentous to us in these times. ~ Edmund Burke

Sorry, Bex," Jason said "You don't have the recognizable facial characteristics - such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes - that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here ... well, just look at her."
"Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight," I pointed out. "Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface. ~ Meg Cabot

Part of what makes a language 'alive' is its constant evolution. I would hate to think Britain would ever emulate France, where they actually have a learned faculty whose job it is to attempt to prevent the incursion of foreign words into the language. I love editing Harry with Arthur Levine, my American editor-the differences between 'British English' (of which there must be at least 200 versions) and 'American English' (ditto!) are a source of constant interest and amusement to me. ~ J.K. Rowling

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that. ~ Andy Borowitz

Rosalind was the kind of girl who didn't have to try very hard; she just drew men like moths to a flame. A natural ash blonde with unbelievably dark blue eyes, she had a near perfect figure, always wore the trendiest gear and said exactly the right witty things.
Not like me. I'm no raving beauty by any stretch of the imagination. I've got masses of dark unruly hair which just sort-of hangs around, and I buy only clothes which suit me regardless of fashion. I wouldn't be seen dead in a mini-skirt – as I'm rather tall with long slim legs, I think I'd look like Olive Oyl. ~ Bernie Morris

Everything deep is also simple and can be reproduced simply as long as its reference to the whole truth is maintained. But what matters is not what is witty but what is true. ~ Albert Schweitzer

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course ~ Larry David

You can pretend to be serious; but you can't pretend to be witty. ~ Sacha Guitry

Melancholy men of all others are most witty, which causeth many times a divine ravishment, and a kinde of Enthusiasmus, which stirreth them up to bee excellent Philosophers, Poets, Prophets, etc. ~ Aristotle.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ~ Woody Allen

Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is! ~ T.T. Faulkner

Her ticket to freedom lay in her lap. Ever an avid reader, Annie had escaped into books in recent months, when all else failed to calm her. As a friend, a book had advantages over the human variety. It was there whenever she needed it, it vanished as easily, and it never asked questions, expected witty replies, made awkward suggestions, or otherwise overcompensated for its own inability to right the wrongs of the world. ~ Barbara Delinsky

Until the day arrives when all women decide that our rights are not negotiable, our future choices will not be secure. ~ Faye Wattleton

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. ~ Woody Allen

She laughed again, as if she said something very witty, and held my hand for a moment, looking up into my face, promising that there was no one in the world she so much wanted to see. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. ~ Groucho Marx

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? ~ Margaret Smith

Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember ~ Abraham Lincoln

Just play the moment, that's the fun of it. You just play the moment. It's great writing and very clever writing, I think it's witty. And I have those great clothes. You have a great, witty, intelligent script and you look like a million dollars, because we have a great costumer, and it's a pretty good place to begin. ~ Glenn Close

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf ~ Lewis Mumford

As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in. ~ Garth Nix

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. ~ Suzanne Collins

I looked up in curiosity. Behind us stood the Brown and Eagle Wool Warehouse and Schneider's Cap Factory, both constructed with that wholehearted devotion to industry that sullied the word architecture. ~ Lyndsay Faye

Everyone striving to be witty and sought-after, everyone talking and no one listening ... ~ Lisa Kleypas

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. ~ Saint Augustine

I know you are incredibly bright, because when you are not being a smartarse your comments in class are very insightful, and when you ARE being a smartarse you are witty and clever and you make me laugh even when I want to slap you. ~ Amy Harmon

I could see why she felt attracted to Sam K. Barrows. Birds of a feather, or rather lizards of a scale. ~ Philip K. Dick

... sentiments which Feliks had already come to recognise as being characteristic of The Times, which would have described the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as strong rulers who could do nothing but good for the stability of the international situation. ~ Ken Follett

Most girls take one look at you and swoon. You've never had to really work for someone's affection or put effort into maintaining it. In many ways, your natural gifts have done you a disservice
they've stunted your sensitivity and charm! You've never had to develop insight into what will make a girl laugh and come to love you for reasons that aren't handsome or heroic. That's why smees are experts on the subtle arts of courtship and seduction; nothing comes easy to us, but we do understand and live by the Lover's Maxim."
"And what on earth is the Lover's Maxim?" asked Maz, feeling very uninformed.
The smee cleared his throat. "If you can't be handsome, be rich. If you can't be rich, be strong. If you cant be strong, be witty."
"But what if you can't be witty?" Max wondered.
"Learn the guitar. ~ Henry H. Neff

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing. ~ Mae West

I'm waiting for her to say "Craig, what you need to do is X" and for the Shift to occur. I want there to be a Shift so bad. I want to feel my brain slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, and witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise, and I had incredible promise, and I spoke up in class because I was excited and smart about the world. I want the Shift so bad. I'm waiting for the phrase that will invoke it. It'll be like a miracle within my life. But is Dr. Minerva a miracle worker? No. She's a thin, tan lady from Greece with red lipstick. ~ Ned Vizzini

Sons branch out, but one woman leads to another. ~ Margaret Atwood