Funny Wedding Advice Quotes

You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! ~ Bill Maher

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. ~ Cass Daley

In the end, it's all about perseverance. ~ Dean Koontz

Hey," Trenton said, breathless and sweaty.
He pulled a few yellow strands of fake hair from his face.
"Did you lose a bet?" I asked.
"As a matter of fact, I did."
Taylor and Tyler were across the room, slapping their knees and laughing so hard they could barely breathe.
I slapped Trenton's ass. "You look hot, bro."
"Thanks," he said. The music started and he shook his hips at me. I pushed him away, and, undeterred, he danced across the room to entertain the crowd. ~ Jamie McGuire

Thank you," she says and yanks the pull-tab off the soda can. She takes a big sip and aaahs. Then she takes the pull-tab and puts it on her ring finger like a wedding band. She holds her hand out and looks at it.
"Someday," she says wistfully.
"Wow, a soda pop pull-tab ring. You're easy. Most girls want their ring from Tiffany's."
"Well, I'm not most girls."
She's telling me? ~ Caprice Crane

Leibniz was somewhat mean about money. When any young lady at the court of Hanover married, he used to give her what he called a "wedding present," consisting of useful maxims, ending up with the advice not to give up washing now that she had secured a husband. History does not record whether the brides were grateful. ~ Bertrand Russell

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued. ~ Helen Rowland

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended. ~ Evan Esar

It's funny, but have you ever noticed that the more special something is, the more people seem to take it for granted? It's like they think it won't ever change. Just like this house here. All it ever needed was a little attention, and it would never have ended up like this in the first place. ~ Nicholas Sparks

I said no strippers, I said, watching dumbfounded as Trenton danced around the room to Britney Spears. ~ Jamie McGuire

Knowing Chris was getting married, his fellow Team members decided that they had to send him off with a proper SEAL bachelor party. That meant getting him drunk, of course. It also meant writing all over him with permanent markers-an indelible celebration, to be sure.
Fortunately, they liked him, so his face wasn't marked up-not by them, at least; he'd torn his eyebrow and scratched his lip during training. Under his clothes, he looked quite the sight. And the words wouldn't come off no matter how he, or I scrubbed.
I pretended to be horrified, but honestly, that didn't bother me much. I was just happy to have him with me, and very excited to be spending the rest of my life with the man I loved.
It's funny, the things you get obsessed about. Days before the wedding, I spent forty-five minutes picking out exactly the right shape of lipstick, splurging on expensive cosmetics-then forgot to take it with me the morning of the wedding. My poor sister and mom had to run to Walgreens for a substitute; they came back with five different shades, not one of which matched the one I'd picked out.
Did it matter? Not at all, although I still remember the vivid marks the lipstick made when I kissed him on the cheek-marking my man.
Lipstick, location, time of day-none of that mattered in the end. What did matter were our families and friends, who came in for the ceremony. Chris liked my parents, and vice versa. I truly loved his mom and dad.
I have a photo from ~ Taya Kyle

I always wear my wedding ring. It's my trademark. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Trust me, you will get plenty of "advice" from everyone and anyone on the best way to do things, and remember that you don't have to take any of it. Know that whatever you choose, THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU AND SUPPORT YOU THE MOST WON'T MAKE THE DAY ABOUT THEM, they'll make it about you and him, and show up to celebrate your special day regardless of what you decide to do. ~ Melissa Hill

When I was in high school, there was 'Superbad' and 'The Girl Next Door' and 'Wedding Crashers' and all these great movies. You hope to be a part of something that's smart, funny and in that Todd Phillips-vein. You want to make something like 'Superbad.' That movie was so good and so funny. ~ Miles Teller

Isn't it funny how we all will end up? Best friends today, communicating via internet tomorrow. Crush today, dancing at their weddings tomorrow. ~ Manasa Rao

This is a great wedding. I like weddings." "It is a good one, isn't it?" she agreed. "But it was always going to be--Emma so efficient." "Isn't she," he said. "I like weddings." Lulu said nothing. "Weddings," he said after a moment. "Funny things, but I like them." Lulu stopped dancing and drew back to look up into his eyes. "If you say that one more time," she said levelly, "I won't take you to the Cheddar cheese shop." "Sorry," he said quickly "I like funerals, too, if that's any help? We do marvelous ones in Ireland, we're famous for them. ~ Gabrielle Donnelly

You're an idiot," Preston says.

"Excuse me?"

"You're an idiot, sir?" he tries again.

"Just tell me how much she likes Dave, Preston. I don't have time for this girly bullshit." Jesus fuck, am I going to have to resort to getting girl advice from my gay assistant? What the hell has my life come to? Sandra has turned everything upside down.

"She doesn't like Dave. She likes you. She's had a crush on you forever and I'm totally breaking girl code telling you any of this."

"Then why the hell is she spending the weekend with Dave?" I ask, ignoring his girl code.

"But you know Sandy's a nice girl. She doesn't know what to make of a guy who fucks her in his office but never asks her to dinner," Preston continues. Apparently girl code is over. "Women are complex creatures, Gabe. They think it means something when a man takes his sweet-ass time asking her on a date. They think it means you're just interested in the sex." He narrows his eyes at me. "Obviously that's not the case here, as based on the way you look at that girl it's clear you're already half in love with her."

I really am getting girl advice from my gay assistant

"Since you know everything, care to tell me where she went with Dave?"

"Marissa's wedding."

"Who the hell is Marissa?"

"Hello? She works here? In sales?"

I shrug. Still no idea who he's talking about.

"You kno ~ Jana Aston

The black volhv pivoted to me. "I have questions."
"Can it wait?"
"No. Your wedding is in two weeks. Have you prepared your guest list?"
"Why do I need a list? I kind of figured that whoever wanted to show up would show up."
"You need a list so you know how many people you are feeding. Do you have a caterer?"
"No."
"But you did order the cake?"
"Umm…"
"Florist?"
"Florist?"
"The person who delivers expensive flowers and sets them up in pretty arrangements everyone ignores?"
"No."
Roman blinked. "I'm almost afraid to ask. Do you at least have the dress?"
"Yes."
"Is it white?"
"Yes."
He squinted at me. "Is it a wedding dress?"
"It's a white dress."
"Have you worn it before?"
"Maybe."
Ascanio snickered."
"The ring, Kate?"
Oh crap.
Roman heaved a sigh. "What do you think this is, a party where you get to show up, say 'I do,' and go home?"
"Yes?" That's kind of how it went in my head. ~ Ilona Andrews

Heaven's Bakery help them all. ~ Jamie Farrell

Women like silent men. They think they're listening. ~ Marcel Achard

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. ~ Rita Rudner

Looks like they might cancel school on Monday. Woot!
Information like this coming from Lucy is generally pretty reliable, since she happens to live right next door to Mrs. Crawford, the principal of Magnolia Branch High.
Yay, I can sit home and watch more Weather Channel! I text back.
This is an intervention--step away from the TV! NOW!
I laugh aloud at that. It's such a typical Lucy-like thing to say.
My mom's worried about you. Wants you to pack up and come over here.
Can't. But Ryder's coming over if the storm gets bad.
Lucy's next text is just a line of googly eyes.
Not funny, I type, even though it kind of us.
You two can plan your wedding menu. Choose your linens. Stuff like that, she texts, followed by a smiley face.
I gaze at my phone with a frown. Also not funny. ~ Kristi Cook

Speaking of cupcakes, Will wants two dozen off your special menu to take on the road after the wedding."
"The, erm, peach kind?"
"The peach kind," Lindsey said.
"I like the peach kind," Josh said.
Mikey had named them Sex on a Peach. And they were Kimmie's second biggest seller, after the Hairy Dicks, which were coconut cake balls strategically placed with Dahlia's chocolate-covered, ice cream-filled bananas.
And Josh's frown had disappeared, and now he was grinning as if he knew it.
All of it. ~ Jamie Farrell

Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night. ~ Peter Ustinov

Good morning, good morning, good morning," Loki chirped, wheeling in a table covered with silver domes.
"What are you doing?" I asked, squinting at him. He'd pulled up the shades. I was tired a hell, and I was not happy.
"I thought you two lovebirds would like breakfast," Loki said. "So I had the chef whip you up something fantastic." As he set up the table in the sitting area, he looked over at us. "Although you two are sleeping awfully far apart for newly weds."
"Oh my god." I groaned and pulled the covers over my head.
"You know, I think you're being a dick," Tove told him as he got out of bed. "But I'm starving. So I'm willing to overlook it. This time."
"A dick?" Loki pretended to be offended. "I'm merely worried about your health. If your bodies aren't used to strenous activities, like a long night of love making, you could waste away if you don't get plenty of protein and rehydrate. I'm concerned for you."
"Yes we both believe that's why you're here," Tove said sarcastically and took a glass of orange juice that Loki had just poured for him.
"What about you princess?" Loki's gaze cut to me as he filled another glass.
"I'm not hungry."I sighed and sat up.
"Oh really?" Loki arched an eyebrow. "Does that mean that last night-"
"It means last night is none of your business," I snapped. ~ Amanda Hocking

I had some good friends - really funny ones. My best friend was a guy called Apolo Nsibambi. We shared an office at the Extra Mural Department at Makerere, and then I got a promotion - became Acting Director - and I was his boss! I used to tease him for calling himself "Doctor" - he had a Ph. D. in political science. I mocked him for wearing a tie and carrying a briefcase and being pompous. I went to his wedding. He came to my wedding. And then I completely lost touch with him. I wonder what happened to him.' 'Doctor Nsibambi is the Prime Minister of Uganda. ~ Paul Theroux

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. ~ Minnie Pearl

[The maid] went on and on about how you and three casks of wine and three women spent the week before our wedding trying to...you know"--Adrienne muttered an unintelligible word--"your brains out."
"To what my brains out?"
"You know." Adrienne rolled her eyes.
"I'm afraid I don't. What was that word again?"
"Adrienne looked at him sharply. Was he teasing her? Were his eyes alight with mischief? That half-smile curving his beautiful mouth could absolutely melt the sheet she was clutching, not to mention her will. "Apparently one of them succeeded, because if you had any brains left you'd get out of my sight now," she snapped.
"It wasn't three." Hawk swallowed a laugh.
"No?"
"It was five."
"Adrienne's jaw clenched. She held her fingers up again. "Fourth--this will be a marriage in name only. Period."
"Casks of wine, I meant."
"You are not funny. ~ Karen Marie Moning

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Interrupting what promised to be a long spate of fatherly advice, St. Vincent said in a clipped voice, "It's not a love match. It's a marriage of convenience, and there's not enough warmth between us to light a birthday candle. Get on with it, if you please. Neither of us has had a proper sleep in two days."
Silence fell over the scene, with MacPhee and his two daughters appearing shocked by the brusque remarks. Then the blacksmith's heavy brows lowered over his eyes in a scowl. "I don't like ye," he announced.
St. Vincent regarded him with exasperation. "Neither does my bride-to-be. But since that's not going to stop her from marrying me, it shouldn't stop you either. Go on. ~ Lisa Kleypas

A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other ... until death do them join. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me. ~ Audrey Hepburn

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God. ~ Russell M. Nelson

Ladies Commit, There's A Wedding In It For You. ~ Aries Spears

Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.'
'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling in front of her but it was too late.
Xav added some Parmesan and pepper. 'Suspicious, Diamond? You should be. This is a bachelor party I'm organizing, not a school outing, and it is going to tick all of Trace's boxes. Lola is either a very efficient water sports instructor or an exotic dancing girl; I'll leave it your imagination.'
I rolled my eyes at Diamond. 'Myabe she's both. I mean the guys will really go for that, I guess. Don't worry,Di, Luigi and his crew will not disappoint us girls.' Luigi was in fact Contessa Nicoletta's little bespectacled chef with whom I had been consulting about the menu for Friday, but the Benedicts weren't to know that. 'He has promised to provide something suitably spicy for our tastes. ~ Joss Stirling

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day. ~ Frankie Boyle