Steven Wright Quotes

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes you're not using?

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

I just lost a buttonhole.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day ... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know ... my calendar has no sevens on it."

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now
when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ...

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

When I was 16 ... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because ... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

A metaphor is like a simile.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

I got an answering machine for my phone ... Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up ... they hear a recording of a busy signal.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above ... so I never have to go upstairs.

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with ... just to screw with my subconscious.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I washed mud off of mud.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I installed a skylight in my apartment ... The people who live above me are
furious!

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

The other day I ... uh, no, that wasn't me.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?