Funny Parenting Quotes

I really like 'Shameless' because it brings up important issues, but we get to talk and laugh and look at something that's really important that's a problem, like alcoholism and bad parenting. It's done in a funny, smart way. ~ Justin Chatwin

Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Dada first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. ~ Bill Cosby

Raising children is like making biscuits: it is as easy to raise a big batch as one, while you have your hands in the dough. ~ E.W. Howe

Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception. ~ Alan Bennett

My mom used to say it doesn't matter how many kids you have ... because one kid'll take up 100% of your time so more kids can't possibly take up more than 100% of your time. ~ Karen Brown

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. ~ Woody Allen

Although there are many trial marriages ... there is no such thing as a trial child. ~ Gail Sheehy

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. ~ Ben Berger

It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his child to be. ~ Homer

A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes. ~ Russell Lynes

The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. ~ Clarence Darrow

Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it. ~ Robert Breault

Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father. ~ Gloria Steinem

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. ~ Erma Bombeck

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~ Edward VIII

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst. ~ George Bernard Shaw

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly ~ Peter Cook

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. ~ Bill Watterson

My boss at Christmas was a lot of fun: "I want you to look in your pay envelopes and you'll know that I keep the Christmas spirit around here. Because in each and every envelope you'll find ... snow." ~ David Ketchum

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. ~ Mark Twain

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes. ~ Sarah Silverman

There aren't many funny bits in Mr Tolkien either,' Matilda said.
'Do you think that all children's books ought to have funny bits in them?' Miss Honey asked.
'I do,' Matilda said. 'Children are not so serious as grown-ups and love to laugh. ~ Roald Dahl

We had a kid. The kid was awesome. She didn't fall asleep easily. We complained about it. We got frustrated. But we didn't look for an out. We just accepted that this was part of parenting. ~ Adam Mansbach

Sometimes, you know - I think, with a lot of things, at the time, everything is extremely upsetting, and then you look back on it, and it actually can be sort of funny. ~ Roz Chast

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame. ~ Cynthia Heimel

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. ~ W.C. Fields

Labor is a man crowning glory."
"Not this man's."
"I quote Marx"
I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough.
"I quote blisters. ~ John Fowles

And as we leave Donne and Walton on the shores of Metahemeralism, we wave a fond farewell to those famous chums of yore. ~ Donna Tartt

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

He patted my shoulder. "What's up with you? All of a sudden, you're bucking the system."
"i got drunk and had an epiphany."
"Shit, this is serious!" He gasped. "Last time that happened to me, i woke up gay. ~ J.C. Isabella

Well," Lynx said once the man was dead. "That was…uneventful."
"You're as fickle as an old woman," Zeus told Lynx. "One minute too much carnage, the next not enough. ~ Shay Rucker

Don't fool yourself that important things can be put off till tomorrow; they can be put off forever, or not at all ~ Mignon McLaughlin

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers
I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.) ~ Christopher Moore

Look around you. Watch how people function and interact with one another. You'll see this is going on everywhere all the time. People devour each other in the name of love, or family or country. But that's an excuse; they're just hungry and want to be fed. Read their faces, the newspapers, read what it says on their T-shirts! 'I think you're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit.' 'My parents went to London but all they brought me back was this lousy T-shirt.' 'So many women, so little time.' 'Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.' They're supposed to be funny, witty, and postmodern, Miranda. But the truth is they're only stating a fact: Me. I come first. Get out of my way. ~ Jonathan Carroll

My pen.' Funny, I wrote that without noticing. 'The torch', 'the paper', but 'my pen'. That shows what writing means to me, I guess. My pen is a pipe from my heart to the paper. It's about the most important thing I own. ~ John Marsden

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. ~ George Carlin

Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."
My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look.
Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right.
"It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven."
"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy. ~ Jeaniene Frost

To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted. ~ Michael Shurtleff

Say, 'Thank you, Phin.' "
"Oh, please."
"Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. "
"I don't think so."
"Say, 'You are a great lover, Phin.' "
"I'm out of here. ~ Jennifer Crusie

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I'm not a parent, but it seems to me the nature of parenting is contingent, full of unexpected challenges - which is one of the wonderful and amazing things about it. ~ Stacey D'Erasmo

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day. ~ H. L. Hunt

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding! ~ Jeff Foxworthy

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace. ~ Katie Graykowski

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. ~ Neal Stephenson

Once in a while, I played second base; once in a while, outfield. But those were just pickup games and softball leagues. So when I bought the Yankees, I tried to stay one pace ahead of the players. ~ George Steinbrenner

In Norwegian that would be 'hun ma dra. Kanskje er hun gravid.'" Astley sttempts to smile.
i can't help teasing him. "Which? Asking to go to the bathroom or dissing me because I'm pregnant."
"you are with child?" his eyes open wid, all mock terrified.
"No! Shut up. You know I'm not." I punch him in the arm and then lead him into the stairwell, shutting the door behind us. "Okay. Seriously, Astley, what happened to you? Why is your head bleeding? ~ Carrie Jones

She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.
'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed. ~ Jodi Picoult

The funny thing about me is I move from genre to genre, but I essentially shoot all the movies the same way. ~ James Mangold

A few minutes later, a tall, bronze-skinned woman with masses of dark hair, eyes like pale emeralds, and more curves than the Nürburgring racetrack appeared next to my table. My SEAL stood and started to intervene, but I held up a lazy hand, gave a droopy-eyed smile, slurred my words, and waved him off. The stripper sat on my lap with nothing between her and the Lord but a smile and three pieces of strategically placed duct tape. She slipped a glittering arm around my shoulders - she apparently was wearing lotion with metal flakes in it and it felt rough. Then she leaned her décolletage my way, placing her head next to my ear. "You know what you're supposed to do, right?" she whispered, smiling and acting like she had just said something terribly wrong. She was a good actress for Elizabeth City.
Laughing, smiling, and acting wasted, I slurred as loudly and obnoxiously as I could, "Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing, woman!" With that, I reached up and placed my hand on her massive breast, just as I'd been instructed to do - all for the good of my country.
The slap that followed could[…]"

Excerpt From: Jamie Smith. "Gray Work ~ Jamie Smith

I don't blame individuals, Elton, I blame myself ~ Joe Royle

I flopped on the overstuffed kitchen couch and watched him go. I wondered what would happen to all his films and photographs in the upstairs closet - the documentaries on homelessness and drug addiction, the funny short subjects, the half-finished romantic comedy, the boxes of slice-of-life photographs that spoke volumes about the human condition. I wondered how you stop caring about what you've ached over, sweated over. (Thwonk) ~ Joan Bauer

We [me and my husband] both had our things. Seth was the artist, I was the singer. We were like "You do your thing, I'll do my thing and never the two shall meet." I think we had a healthy competition going through our childhood. But I sort of left the funny stuff to him, I said "You're the comedian, you're the jokester, you do that I'll be the more serious one." You need that kind of balance in the family. ~ Rachael MacFarlane

And of course Marc Cherry heightens it and makes it hilarious. But there's so many universal themes in the show, and he made it so funny. We knew he was onto something if he could keep it up and, thankfully, he did. ~ James Denton

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive. ~ Cassandra Clare

Funny how when your life is mostly bullshit, you turn off feeling.
Sometimes it's hard to turn it back on again. ~ Ellen Hopkins

Gannon came from loud, passionate Italian stock that wasn't afraid to smash a plate to make a statement. Paige, on the other hand, systematically choked down any temper and, with frosty efficiency, made him dance like a fucking puppet. ~ Lucy Score

Space flight still had a long way to go to catch up with the safety record of the milkshake industry. ~ Kevin Fong

At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who'd never met a site she couldn't hack or a code she couldn't break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I'd come within five feet of a pom-pom ~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Even in the very beginning when she would bump into George Valentine and people would start taking pictures of her, she never thought, 'I'm with George Valentine. I need to get a picture with him.' She's like 'oh that's funny. Everyone's taking pictures!' ~ Berenice Bejo

You're an asshole, you know that?' I asked him. It figured he would pick today to be funny and personable, but I wasn't in the mood.

He smiled. 'I know. I work really hard at it. ~ Maggie Barbieri

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

One of the reasons we judge each other so harshly in this world of parenting is because ... we perceive anyone else who's doing anything differently than what we're doing as criticizing our choices. ~ Brene Brown

People see my impressions as a great skill and I am flattered, but there are things I can't do that everyone else can. I can do funny voices and funny faces but I can't drive. ~ Matt Lucas

I had never passed a single school exam, and clearly never would. ~ Mary Leakey