Humor Quotes

Collection of famous quotes and sayings about Humor.

Quotes About Humor

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There's plenty of room for humor in politics, God knows, but it's a serious business. ~ Al Franken
Humor quotes by Al Franken
I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy? ~ Cassandra Clare
Humor quotes by Cassandra Clare
He kissed her a little more deeply and was happy to hear her gasp of pleasure. The sound brought his erection back to life, and he brushed his fingertips over her collarbone.
"How 'bout you hop on up here with me?"
"I don't think you're quite ready for that yet."
"Wanna bet?" He took her hand and put it under the hospital sheets.
The throathy laugh as she gripped him gently was yet another marvel. Just like her constant presence in his room, her fierce protection of him, her love, her strength.
She was everything to him. His whole world. He'd gone from being blasé about his death to being desperate to live. For her. For them. For their future.
"What do you say we give it another day?" she said.
"An hour."
"Until you can sit up on your own."
Thank God he was a fast healer.
Wrath struggled on the bed, trying to force himself upright so that he bore the weight of his upper body on his hips.
Beth watched him the whole time, refusing to help.
When he was steady, he rubbed his hands together in anticipation. He could feel her skin already.
"Wrath," she said with warning as he beamed at her.
"Come up here, leelan, A deal's a deal. ~ J.R. Ward
Humor quotes by J.R. Ward
In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness. ~ Suzanne Collins
Humor quotes by Suzanne Collins
#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one. ~ Morrissey
Humor quotes by Morrissey
You're just a character in my dream."
"You wish."
"I didn't mean my love interest," she replied defensively. "You'd have better hair. You're the character I dreamed up because the rest of the dream was making me homesick."
"Maybe you're the character I dreamed up to scare myself awake."
"That's not very nice!"
"You made fun of my hair. I like it this way. Short and simple."
I don't mind short. Mine is short."
"Then what's wrong with mine?" Jason challenged.
"Maybe we should talk about something else."
"Like the guy on a horse coming to kill us?"
"It needs more style," she muttered.
"The horse?"
"Your hair."
"I forgot to bring my gel when I got eaten by a hippo. ~ Brandon Mull
Humor quotes by Brandon Mull
Words Words Words!!

It's not always what you say but how you say it ~ Bandile Matsenjwa
Humor quotes by Bandile Matsenjwa
After a few days, I mused, I would have no trouble. Whoever heard of a revolution of fat men? ~ Louis L'Amour
Humor quotes by Louis L'Amour
Clarissa thought that was the problem with toothpaste, it always wound up looking like it had a drunken binge the night before and was spitting up all over itself. ~ Vera Jane Cook
Humor quotes by Vera Jane Cook
Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and the chief battle-mage. Janus had signed it - and Janus's word could be counted upon for anything he chose to put his name to. Old Saint Nicholas, the Sidhe Lord of the Yuletide, was as dead as a door-nail.
It didn't stick. ~ Chris Lester
Humor quotes by Chris Lester
When you say a friend has a sense of humor do you mean that he makes you laugh, or that he can make you laugh? ~ Max Frisch
Humor quotes by Max Frisch
There's no need to clarify my finger snap," said Magnus. "The implication was clear in the snap itself. ~ Cassandra Clare
Humor quotes by Cassandra Clare
Vanity might be a "sin" according to some lights, but he thought in measured doses it was one of life's allowable simple pleasures. It helped everyone get through their days. ~ G.M. Malliet
Humor quotes by G.M. Malliet
If this were some kind of entertainment, this would be roughly the point where Rupert said, "We don't have any more time, Professor, you must complete your research as soon as possible," but there was no great sense of urgency, no sense that it even mattered. It was just something that Rudi was interested in, for his own reasons. They could be working on this for years and still not understand it, and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.
He said, "Look, Professor, a lot of effort went into getting you that information. We'd be grateful if you could make some kind of sense of it reasonably soon.
"There is one thing I can tell you right now," Lev said..."Whoever is running this thing, they're really interested in railways. ~ Dave Hutchinson
Humor quotes by Dave Hutchinson
We should - we will - welcome people of faith into the political process ... It is essential that believers enter the arena. Your involvement in politics helps determine how well our democracy works. We have finally learned that government programs cannot solve our problems. Government can hand out money, but government cannot put hope in our hearts or a sense of purpose in our lives. ~ George W. Bush
Humor quotes by George W. Bush
The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman. ~ George Everett Macdonald
Humor quotes by George Everett Macdonald
A pox of unique human diseases--many of which cause an uncomfortable swelling--come upon you! ~ Brandon Sanderson
Humor quotes by Brandon Sanderson
Hard hands and no sense of humor makes for a bad marriage. ~ George R R Martin
Humor quotes by George R R Martin
Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right. ~ Orson Scott Card
Humor quotes by Orson Scott Card
Say that with a sword in your hand, Frey," the small man snarled. "Or do you only fight with smears of shit ~ George R R Martin
Humor quotes by George R R Martin
They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE) ~ Plato
Humor quotes by Plato
There are no normal people, there are just different kinds of weird, all of it is human and all humanity is better than everything inhuman. So I urge you to keep expressing yourself as honestly as you can, and know that the backpedals and second-guesses really aren't necessary - they don't hurt but they're wasting your time - because when you are truly human, as we all are, and when that is your honest message to anyone, you are beyond reproach, there is no way to screw it up. ~ Dan Harmon
Humor quotes by Dan Harmon
Now I am in control!" He followed this statement with a burst of laughter that showed the owner had done a fair share of gloating in his time, and had the basics down pat. ~ Phil Foglio
Humor quotes by Phil Foglio
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" ~ Henny Youngman
Humor quotes by Henny Youngman
A fool will always find banana skins ~ Robert Priest
Humor quotes by Robert Priest
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve. ~ Jim Norton
Humor quotes by Jim Norton
It's possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it? ~ Martin Amis
Humor quotes by Martin Amis
We were all dressed like a ragtag group of reject ninjas. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout
Humor quotes by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. ~ Augusten Burroughs
Humor quotes by Augusten Burroughs
His gaze settled on her mouth. "Have you been kissed before, inspector?"
"Why?" If he wanted virgin lips, she'd claim to have serviced an army.
"If it's your first, I'll do it differently."
"You won't do it at all."
"Yes, I will. ~ Meljean Brook
Humor quotes by Meljean Brook
Then why do they come?"
Buonarroti shrugged his shoulders.
"Because things are in such a bad way in their homeland, they're ready to flee into a black hole in space, to a concentration camp, to the Sargasso Sea of international criminal brigands."
"Between the devil and the deep blue sea," said the new consul, demonstrating his knowledge of international idioms. ~ Vladimir Lorchenkov
Humor quotes by Vladimir Lorchenkov
What happened to your tan. ~ James Patterson
Humor quotes by James Patterson
Nobody got me out," Nellie replied. "They just let me go. They think I'm a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel's full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony. Can you picture that?"
"In Technicolor," Amy said bitterly.
"That low-down KGB reject!" Dan fumed. "I can't believe she cheated me–right when I was in the middle of cheating her! ~ Gordon Korman
Humor quotes by Gordon Korman
You always kiss on the first date?"
"Not usually until after the duct-tape. ~ Leslea Tash
Humor quotes by Leslea Tash
Thunder gods don't hide."
The Russian shrugged. "I am not like Thor. I have Russian depth of character. And I like to help people, not hurt them. Usually I help with vodka. You want some? ~ Kevin Hearne
Humor quotes by Kevin Hearne
I notice his socks are unmatched -- one black, the other a dark navy -- and suddenly I am provoked by his gall. Who is he to tell me I'm angry, I think to myself, when he can't even match his own socks? ~ Kathy Hatfield
Humor quotes by Kathy Hatfield
See, phrenology is this old Victorian science, which claimed you could determine the dominant traits of a man's personality by studying the bumps on his head. The size and position of these bumps indicated different personality traits. See? Now, /retro-phrenology/ says, why not change a man's personality by hitting him on the head with a hammer, till you raise just the right bumps in the right places!"
"One of us needs a lot more drinks," said Alex. "That's starting to make sense. ~ Simon R. Green
Humor quotes by Simon R. Green
At times Valentine wasn't sure whether he kept Matthews about because of his supreme unctuousness or because he had half a suspicion the valet was trying to kill him. ~ Suzanne Enoch
Humor quotes by Suzanne Enoch
I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, 'JUST TELL ME WHOSE SKULL TO CRACK WITH MY CLUB, DAMMIT! ~ Jim Butcher
Humor quotes by Jim Butcher
If it doesn't make sense, it's usually not true. ~ Judy Sheindlin
Humor quotes by Judy Sheindlin
Is that where you took care of him? In a restroom?"
"No. I walked him out to the runway and threw him in front of a Boeing. ~ Max Allan Collins
Humor quotes by Max Allan Collins
I hate nothing more then being angry and outside. It always feels like I lost an argument and was kicked out of the house ~ Larry Gent
Humor quotes by Larry Gent
Who," coughed Zvonok, "do you think broke your favorite teacup last fall? The one with the cherries on the handle?"
"I was careless, Comrade Zvonok. I left the window open and a storm blew through."
"Incorrect! I broke it because you left me no cream and no dry biscuits, and when your old boots wore through, you burned them up for heat instead of giving them to me!"
"Hear, hear!" the table erupted in approval once more. "Well done, well done!"
"I'm surely very sorry
"So is your teacup. ~ Catherynne M Valente
Humor quotes by Catherynne M Valente
Women respond to comfort and a sense of humor. I was always able to make them laugh, so that helps a lot. ~ Peter Dinklage
Humor quotes by Peter Dinklage
Dance after dance after dance, until sweat was running down my back as I worked to keep up, keep that smile on my face, to remember to laugh when my hands were within strangling distance from his throat. ~ Sarah J. Maas
Humor quotes by Sarah J. Maas
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. ~ Bob Monkhouse
Humor quotes by Bob Monkhouse
In relationships with a directors, I want to be able to give and take, and I can't name what it is: respect, energy, investment in the task, focus, humor, intelligence, but I always feel responsible for taking the money. ~ Harrison Ford
Humor quotes by Harrison Ford
Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck ... Attempting harder to give a fuck ... Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given. ~ Suzanne Wright
Humor quotes by Suzanne Wright
In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day. ~ Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Humor quotes by Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Today should always be outlawed in favor of tomorrow ~ Nora Roberts
Humor quotes by Nora Roberts
When I'm in love, I can't stand anyone. ~ Stefano Benni
Humor quotes by Stefano Benni
There's a boy who they call Pony! He's always acting gross and horny! He thinks he's got a lot down there, but he sure wears tiny underwear! ~ Cecily Von Ziegesar
Humor quotes by Cecily Von Ziegesar
Do my ears deceive me, or can I actually hear the sounds of worms turning? You say a turning worm makes no sound? But how about a chorus of turning worms? ~ Calvin Trillin
Humor quotes by Calvin Trillin
Gaby wasn't having much luck with cats lately. The stray from yesterday had left her with red welts and a bad dream, and Lemon had just tried to eat her hair. ~ Angela Cervantes
Humor quotes by Angela Cervantes
Still I considered the M16 my bestest of besties. Always by my side, even at night, burrowed into my sleeping bag with me, faithful and true. In the 4th Wave, you can't trust that people are still people. But you can trust that your gun is still your gun.
Shhh, Cassie. It's close.
Close ~ Rick Yancey
Humor quotes by Rick Yancey
He stepped aside, allowing me back into the hallway. As we headed to another elevator, he was glued to my hip. As close as you're riding me, man, I feel like I need to take you out to dinner or something. At least I should get your name. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout
Humor quotes by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side! ~ Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
Life is too short to give a fuck. Jump in the pool butt ass naked and do it up. ~ Richard P. Denney
Humor quotes by Richard P. Denney
Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said. ~ Eoin Colfer
Humor quotes by Eoin Colfer
If you wanted me to take a shower, you should have payed me ten bucks like you usually do! ~ James Patterson
Humor quotes by James Patterson
Lord brayton is a very attractive man,' she called out above all their guffaws. 'And if he were to wear tis in my presence outside the bounds if this school, I would bed him. Repeatedly. Until I was unable to walk. ~ Delilah Marvelle
Humor quotes by Delilah Marvelle
Writing is not for me. I completely lose my sense of humor when I write. I become extremely pathetic, very sensational. Images give me possibilities that I don't have with words. ~ Marjane Satrapi
Humor quotes by Marjane Satrapi
Freud expressed the opinion - not quite in earnest, though, it seemed to me - that philosophy was the most decent form of sublimation of repressed sexuality, nothing more. In response I put the question, 'What then is science, particularly psychoanalytic psychology?' Whereupon he, visible a bit surprised, answered evasively: 'At least psychology has a social purpose. ~ Ludwig Binswanger
Humor quotes by Ludwig Binswanger
It's odd how violence and humor so often go together, isn't it? ~ Dan Simmons
Humor quotes by Dan Simmons
The orgy room at Dave's Baths was democracy made flesh; race and social standing were checked at the door along with clothes. ~ Christopher Bram
Humor quotes by Christopher Bram
Talon, Bracy; I give you my word, I will tie your ankles together with a cord and force you to walk together for a day if you can't learn to be pleasant to one another. ~ Nicole Sager The Heart Of Arcrea
Humor quotes by Nicole Sager The Heart Of Arcrea
Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. ~ Alex Haley
Humor quotes by Alex Haley
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by just looking at her hands... for instance, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry. ~ Roney Ngala
Humor quotes by Roney Ngala
Glaring at the doctor, Kev spoke in Romany. "Ka xlia ma pe tute" (I'm going to shit on you.)

"Which means," Rohan said hastily, "'Please forgive the misunderstanding; let's part as friends.'"

"Te malavel les i menkiva," Kev added for good measure. (May you die of a malignant wasting disease.)

"Roughly translated," Rohan said, "that means, 'May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.' Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom. ~ Lisa Kleypas
Humor quotes by Lisa Kleypas
A muscle in the Commander's jaw jumps, and he levels his fierce glare on Willow. "You have a big mouth."
"I need a big mouth to keep up with my big brain. ~ C.J. Redwine
Humor quotes by C.J. Redwine
Plus, humor is a good way to hide the pain. - Leo ~ Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
Mothering Oxymoron: Reminding the kids to not talk with food in their mouths, yet I have food in my mouth while trying to correct them in the moment. ~ Mommy Moo Moo
Humor quotes by Mommy Moo Moo
Everything is perfect.
Everything is fine.
The rules of life are made up.
The rules only exist in your mind.
Of course there may be courtesies
And closures and laws to abide,
But the zeal with which you play
Relies on where YOU draw the line ~ Jason Mraz
Humor quotes by Jason Mraz
He saw no particular humor in it, and was too new to civilization to understand its discourtesies. Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing. He was bewildered and chagrined, and doubtless would have slunk away, abashed, but the Kothian chose ~ Robert E. Howard
Humor quotes by Robert E. Howard
I made you something to eat if you're hungry."
Leigh peered at the steaming pile on the plate on the tray, then asked uncertainly. "What is it?"
"Prime cuts in gravy."
"Prime cuts in gravy?" she echoed slowly. "Did you cook it?"
"I opened the can and heated it up in the microwave for one minute. Someone named Alpo cooked it."
Leigh stiffened, her head shooting up, eyes wide with disbelief. "Alpo?"
He shrugged. "That's what the can said."
Leigh shook her head with bewilderment. "You can use a microwave, but not a phone, and don't know that Alpo isn't the chef, but the brand name for dog food?" There was something seriously wrong here. ~ Lynsay Sands
Humor quotes by Lynsay Sands
Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them. ~ Melinda Chapman
Humor quotes by Melinda Chapman
You are the devil to talk to, Rachel," he said curtly. "Will you shut up and listen? ~ Kim Harrison
Humor quotes by Kim Harrison
I hear Raleigh's new accounting business isn't doing well. Maybe up in New York or somewhere it's a good thing, but in Jackson, Mississippi, people just don't care to do business with a rude, condescending asshole. ~ Kathryn Stockett
Humor quotes by Kathryn Stockett
I love it when you speak computationally," I texted. "It makes me want to slap on a lab coat and get to work."
Abelard didn't text me back.
"I'm sorry," he texted. "I was distracted by the thought of you only wearing a white lab coat. I believe it is possible that you are the best girlfriend in the history of girlfriends."
"I do my best." My best. It's not often that I get to say these words. ~ Laura Creedle
Humor quotes by Laura Creedle
There used to be a canny politician in the Hyde Park area in Chicago in which I at one time lived for several years. His slogan was "I am for harmony if I have to use an axe." As "Secretary of Charm," if and when my merits and ambitions are recognized by my appointment to that office, I will take a page out of old "Doc" Jamieson's book. My motto will be "I will have charm, even if I have to use a club. ~ Beatrice Fairfax
Humor quotes by Beatrice Fairfax
As a young father it's important to remember that, when you're at the beach, there's a BIG difference between telling your five year old son to just go pee in the ocean and telling him to get in the water at least waist deep and then pee in the ocean. ~ Spuds Crawford
Humor quotes by Spuds Crawford
Jen, get a clue and read Wadim's shirt." Jacque told her dryly.
Jen looked over at Wadim who, oh so helpfully, pulled his shirt out so that she could read it.
In black bold letters it said, "No really, I'm a werewolf and you're a human, which essentially translates into a steak with legs."
"Are you implying that Wadmin's going to eat me, cause I don't know how Dec would feel about that. ~ Quinn Loftis
Humor quotes by Quinn Loftis
People like us run the world not just by chance but because we're the only ones capable of doing it. We know your flaws. We know you better than you know yourselves. Our sense of honor compels us to take command, to guide the weak through times as dark as these. And our sense of humor compels us to enjoy it. ~ Nathan M. Farrugia
Humor quotes by Nathan M. Farrugia
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~ A.A. Milne
Humor quotes by A.A. Milne
I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes. ~ Patton Oswalt
Humor quotes by Patton Oswalt
Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?"
"No. It's quite comfortable, thank you."
"It should be. It's been in there for years." Nix winked at Will. "I hope you'll forgive my wife. She's a bit antisocial."
"And water's a bit wet. ~ S.W. Vaughn
Humor quotes by S.W. Vaughn
Piece of Heaven?"
"No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking. ~ Richelle Mead
Humor quotes by Richelle Mead
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at the cats. The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the dedicatory ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things straight. ~ William Strunk Jr.
Humor quotes by William Strunk Jr.
On the porch, the sarge is having a heated debate with her second-in-command. The topic's no mystery; you can hear them clearly through the open door. They've completed the mission, the 2IC argues, time to off these bastards and return to base. "Capture and contain," the sarge shoots back. "My orders don't say nothing about offing anybody." She's wavering, though; you can hear it in her voice. her 2IC comes back with my point about the bomb-shitting beast in high orbit: Whatever she decides about the Dorothys, they have to return to base before dawn or enjoy a front-row seat to Armageddon. ~ Rick Yancey
Humor quotes by Rick Yancey
He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time. ~ Katherine Rundell
Humor quotes by Katherine Rundell
I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his ... nothing. A vampire and a werewolf.
I shook my head. It was obvious. I was having one of my Anita Blake dreams again. ~ Michelle Rowen
Humor quotes by Michelle Rowen
I want steak," he said, stopping to look at her. "And shrimp. And lobster. And pancakes. And a candy bar".
"I'm sorry, you'll have to settle for a couple of sandwiches".
Thomas sighed."Figures". ~ James Dashner
Humor quotes by James Dashner
And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor. ~ Damon Wayans
Humor quotes by Damon Wayans
MURRY:[Father] Time is kind of a big deal and I'd rather not tick him off.
MOLLY: Heh. Tick. ~ Hillary DePiano
Humor quotes by Hillary DePiano
...the only thing that could justify your continuing existence on the planet would be if you started breathing carbon dioxide and exhaling oxygen. ~ Yrsa Sigurdardottir
Humor quotes by Yrsa Sigurdardottir
They don't know you're secretly a badass? ~ Rachel Caine
Humor quotes by Rachel Caine
It's funny how you can think you've said something when you never really did."
I giggled, feeling that the words were coming in his very next breath. "It's also funny how you can think you've heard something when you didn't either," he said instead.
All the humor vanished from the moment. "I know what you mean." I swallowed and watched as his hand moved from my cheek to lace his fingers through mine, knowing that he and I were both watching them. "Maybe, for some people, it would be hard to confess that. Like, if they worried they might not make it to the end." He sighed. "Or it would be hard to say if you worried that someone might not want to make it to the end ... maybe never quite gave up on someone else. ~ Kiera Cass
Humor quotes by Kiera Cass
I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes. ~ Jen Lancaster
Humor quotes by Jen Lancaster
The Tanakee are thought to possess strange, almost supernatural powers.Their eyes are described as large and hypnotic. From Tribe of the Teddy Bear ~ J. Joseph Wright
Humor quotes by J. Joseph Wright
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