Humor Quotes

Collection of famous quotes and sayings about Humor.

Quotes About Humor

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#1. There's plenty of room for humor in politics, God knows, but it's a serious business. - Author: Al Franken
Humor quotes by Al Franken
#2. I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy? - Author: Cassandra Clare
Humor quotes by Cassandra Clare
#3. He kissed her a little more deeply and was happy to hear her gasp of pleasure. The sound brought his erection back to life, and he brushed his fingertips over her collarbone.
"How 'bout you hop on up here with me?"
"I don't think you're quite ready for that yet."
"Wanna bet?" He took her hand and put it under the hospital sheets.
The throathy laugh as she gripped him gently was yet another marvel. Just like her constant presence in his room, her fierce protection of him, her love, her strength.
She was everything to him. His whole world. He'd gone from being blasé about his death to being desperate to live. For her. For them. For their future.
"What do you say we give it another day?" she said.
"An hour."
"Until you can sit up on your own."
Thank God he was a fast healer.
Wrath struggled on the bed, trying to force himself upright so that he bore the weight of his upper body on his hips.
Beth watched him the whole time, refusing to help.
When he was steady, he rubbed his hands together in anticipation. He could feel her skin already.
"Wrath," she said with warning as he beamed at her.
"Come up here, leelan, A deal's a deal. - Author: J.R. Ward
Humor quotes by J.R. Ward
#4. In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness. - Author: Suzanne Collins
Humor quotes by Suzanne Collins
#5. #Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006. - Author: E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#6. To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one. - Author: Morrissey
Humor quotes by Morrissey
#7. You're just a character in my dream."
"You wish."
"I didn't mean my love interest," she replied defensively. "You'd have better hair. You're the character I dreamed up because the rest of the dream was making me homesick."
"Maybe you're the character I dreamed up to scare myself awake."
"That's not very nice!"
"You made fun of my hair. I like it this way. Short and simple."
I don't mind short. Mine is short."
"Then what's wrong with mine?" Jason challenged.
"Maybe we should talk about something else."
"Like the guy on a horse coming to kill us?"
"It needs more style," she muttered.
"The horse?"
"Your hair."
"I forgot to bring my gel when I got eaten by a hippo. - Author: Brandon Mull
Humor quotes by Brandon Mull
#8. Words Words Words!!

It's not always what you say but how you say it - Author: Bandile Matsenjwa
Humor quotes by Bandile Matsenjwa
#9. After a few days, I mused, I would have no trouble. Whoever heard of a revolution of fat men? - Author: Louis L'Amour
Humor quotes by Louis L'Amour
#10. Clarissa thought that was the problem with toothpaste, it always wound up looking like it had a drunken binge the night before and was spitting up all over itself. - Author: Vera Jane Cook
Humor quotes by Vera Jane Cook
#11. Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and the chief battle-mage. Janus had signed it - and Janus's word could be counted upon for anything he chose to put his name to. Old Saint Nicholas, the Sidhe Lord of the Yuletide, was as dead as a door-nail.
It didn't stick. - Author: Chris Lester
Humor quotes by Chris Lester
#12. When you say a friend has a sense of humor do you mean that he makes you laugh, or that he can make you laugh? - Author: Max Frisch
Humor quotes by Max Frisch
#13. There's no need to clarify my finger snap," said Magnus. "The implication was clear in the snap itself. - Author: Cassandra Clare
Humor quotes by Cassandra Clare
#14. Vanity might be a "sin" according to some lights, but he thought in measured doses it was one of life's allowable simple pleasures. It helped everyone get through their days. - Author: G.M. Malliet
Humor quotes by G.M. Malliet
#15. If this were some kind of entertainment, this would be roughly the point where Rupert said, "We don't have any more time, Professor, you must complete your research as soon as possible," but there was no great sense of urgency, no sense that it even mattered. It was just something that Rudi was interested in, for his own reasons. They could be working on this for years and still not understand it, and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.
He said, "Look, Professor, a lot of effort went into getting you that information. We'd be grateful if you could make some kind of sense of it reasonably soon.
"There is one thing I can tell you right now," Lev said..."Whoever is running this thing, they're really interested in railways. - Author: Dave Hutchinson
Humor quotes by Dave Hutchinson
#16. We should - we will - welcome people of faith into the political process ... It is essential that believers enter the arena. Your involvement in politics helps determine how well our democracy works. We have finally learned that government programs cannot solve our problems. Government can hand out money, but government cannot put hope in our hearts or a sense of purpose in our lives. - Author: George W. Bush
Humor quotes by George W. Bush
#17. The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman. - Author: George Everett Macdonald
Humor quotes by George Everett Macdonald
#18. A pox of unique human diseases--many of which cause an uncomfortable swelling--come upon you! - Author: Brandon Sanderson
Humor quotes by Brandon Sanderson
#19. Hard hands and no sense of humor makes for a bad marriage. - Author: George R R Martin
Humor quotes by George R R Martin
#20. Parents always make their worst mistakes with their oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right. - Author: Orson Scott Card
Humor quotes by Orson Scott Card
#21. Say that with a sword in your hand, Frey," the small man snarled. "Or do you only fight with smears of shit - Author: George R R Martin
Humor quotes by George R R Martin
#22. They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE) - Author: Plato
Humor quotes by Plato
#23. There are no normal people, there are just different kinds of weird, all of it is human and all humanity is better than everything inhuman. So I urge you to keep expressing yourself as honestly as you can, and know that the backpedals and second-guesses really aren't necessary - they don't hurt but they're wasting your time - because when you are truly human, as we all are, and when that is your honest message to anyone, you are beyond reproach, there is no way to screw it up. - Author: Dan Harmon
Humor quotes by Dan Harmon
#24. Now I am in control!" He followed this statement with a burst of laughter that showed the owner had done a fair share of gloating in his time, and had the basics down pat. - Author: Phil Foglio
Humor quotes by Phil Foglio
#25. Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" - Author: Henny Youngman
Humor quotes by Henny Youngman
#26. A fool will always find banana skins - Author: Robert Priest
Humor quotes by Robert Priest
#27. God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve. - Author: Jim Norton
Humor quotes by Jim Norton
#28. It's possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it? - Author: Martin Amis
Humor quotes by Martin Amis
#29. We were all dressed like a ragtag group of reject ninjas. - Author: Jennifer L. Armentrout
Humor quotes by Jennifer L. Armentrout
#30. Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. - Author: Augusten Burroughs
Humor quotes by Augusten Burroughs
#31. His gaze settled on her mouth. "Have you been kissed before, inspector?"
"Why?" If he wanted virgin lips, she'd claim to have serviced an army.
"If it's your first, I'll do it differently."
"You won't do it at all."
"Yes, I will. - Author: Meljean Brook
Humor quotes by Meljean Brook
#32. Then why do they come?"
Buonarroti shrugged his shoulders.
"Because things are in such a bad way in their homeland, they're ready to flee into a black hole in space, to a concentration camp, to the Sargasso Sea of international criminal brigands."
"Between the devil and the deep blue sea," said the new consul, demonstrating his knowledge of international idioms. - Author: Vladimir Lorchenkov
Humor quotes by Vladimir Lorchenkov
#33. What happened to your tan. - Author: James Patterson
Humor quotes by James Patterson
#34. Nobody got me out," Nellie replied. "They just let me go. They think I'm a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel's full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony. Can you picture that?"
"In Technicolor," Amy said bitterly.
"That low-down KGB reject!" Dan fumed. "I can't believe she cheated me–right when I was in the middle of cheating her! - Author: Gordon Korman
Humor quotes by Gordon Korman
#35. You always kiss on the first date?"
"Not usually until after the duct-tape. - Author: Leslea Tash
Humor quotes by Leslea Tash
#36. Thunder gods don't hide."
The Russian shrugged. "I am not like Thor. I have Russian depth of character. And I like to help people, not hurt them. Usually I help with vodka. You want some? - Author: Kevin Hearne
Humor quotes by Kevin Hearne
#37. I notice his socks are unmatched -- one black, the other a dark navy -- and suddenly I am provoked by his gall. Who is he to tell me I'm angry, I think to myself, when he can't even match his own socks? - Author: Kathy Hatfield
Humor quotes by Kathy Hatfield
#38. See, phrenology is this old Victorian science, which claimed you could determine the dominant traits of a man's personality by studying the bumps on his head. The size and position of these bumps indicated different personality traits. See? Now, /retro-phrenology/ says, why not change a man's personality by hitting him on the head with a hammer, till you raise just the right bumps in the right places!"
"One of us needs a lot more drinks," said Alex. "That's starting to make sense. - Author: Simon R. Green
Humor quotes by Simon R. Green
#39. At times Valentine wasn't sure whether he kept Matthews about because of his supreme unctuousness or because he had half a suspicion the valet was trying to kill him. - Author: Suzanne Enoch
Humor quotes by Suzanne Enoch
#40. I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, 'JUST TELL ME WHOSE SKULL TO CRACK WITH MY CLUB, DAMMIT! - Author: Jim Butcher
Humor quotes by Jim Butcher
#41. If it doesn't make sense, it's usually not true. - Author: Judy Sheindlin
Humor quotes by Judy Sheindlin
#42. Is that where you took care of him? In a restroom?"
"No. I walked him out to the runway and threw him in front of a Boeing. - Author: Max Allan Collins
Humor quotes by Max Allan Collins
#43. I hate nothing more then being angry and outside. It always feels like I lost an argument and was kicked out of the house - Author: Larry Gent
Humor quotes by Larry Gent
#44. Who," coughed Zvonok, "do you think broke your favorite teacup last fall? The one with the cherries on the handle?"
"I was careless, Comrade Zvonok. I left the window open and a storm blew through."
"Incorrect! I broke it because you left me no cream and no dry biscuits, and when your old boots wore through, you burned them up for heat instead of giving them to me!"
"Hear, hear!" the table erupted in approval once more. "Well done, well done!"
"I'm surely very sorry
"So is your teacup. - Author: Catherynne M Valente
Humor quotes by Catherynne M Valente
#45. Women respond to comfort and a sense of humor. I was always able to make them laugh, so that helps a lot. - Author: Peter Dinklage
Humor quotes by Peter Dinklage
#46. Dance after dance after dance, until sweat was running down my back as I worked to keep up, keep that smile on my face, to remember to laugh when my hands were within strangling distance from his throat. - Author: Sarah J. Maas
Humor quotes by Sarah J. Maas
#47. A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. - Author: Bob Monkhouse
Humor quotes by Bob Monkhouse
#48. In relationships with a directors, I want to be able to give and take, and I can't name what it is: respect, energy, investment in the task, focus, humor, intelligence, but I always feel responsible for taking the money. - Author: Harrison Ford
Humor quotes by Harrison Ford
#49. Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck ... Attempting harder to give a fuck ... Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given. - Author: Suzanne Wright
Humor quotes by Suzanne Wright
#50. In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day. - Author: Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Humor quotes by Neil DeGrasse Tyson
#51. Today should always be outlawed in favor of tomorrow - Author: Nora Roberts
Humor quotes by Nora Roberts
#52. When I'm in love, I can't stand anyone. - Author: Stefano Benni
Humor quotes by Stefano Benni
#53. There's a boy who they call Pony! He's always acting gross and horny! He thinks he's got a lot down there, but he sure wears tiny underwear! - Author: Cecily Von Ziegesar
Humor quotes by Cecily Von Ziegesar
#54. Do my ears deceive me, or can I actually hear the sounds of worms turning? You say a turning worm makes no sound? But how about a chorus of turning worms? - Author: Calvin Trillin
Humor quotes by Calvin Trillin
#55. Gaby wasn't having much luck with cats lately. The stray from yesterday had left her with red welts and a bad dream, and Lemon had just tried to eat her hair. - Author: Angela Cervantes
Humor quotes by Angela Cervantes
#56. Still I considered the M16 my bestest of besties. Always by my side, even at night, burrowed into my sleeping bag with me, faithful and true. In the 4th Wave, you can't trust that people are still people. But you can trust that your gun is still your gun.
Shhh, Cassie. It's close.
Close - Author: Rick Yancey
Humor quotes by Rick Yancey
#57. He stepped aside, allowing me back into the hallway. As we headed to another elevator, he was glued to my hip. As close as you're riding me, man, I feel like I need to take you out to dinner or something. At least I should get your name. - Author: Jennifer L. Armentrout
Humor quotes by Jennifer L. Armentrout
#58. Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side! - Author: Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#59. Life is too short to give a fuck. Jump in the pool butt ass naked and do it up. - Author: Richard P. Denney
Humor quotes by Richard P. Denney
#60. Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said. - Author: Eoin Colfer
Humor quotes by Eoin Colfer
#61. If you wanted me to take a shower, you should have payed me ten bucks like you usually do! - Author: James Patterson
Humor quotes by James Patterson
#62. Lord brayton is a very attractive man,' she called out above all their guffaws. 'And if he were to wear tis in my presence outside the bounds if this school, I would bed him. Repeatedly. Until I was unable to walk. - Author: Delilah Marvelle
Humor quotes by Delilah Marvelle
#63. Writing is not for me. I completely lose my sense of humor when I write. I become extremely pathetic, very sensational. Images give me possibilities that I don't have with words. - Author: Marjane Satrapi
Humor quotes by Marjane Satrapi
#64. Freud expressed the opinion - not quite in earnest, though, it seemed to me - that philosophy was the most decent form of sublimation of repressed sexuality, nothing more. In response I put the question, 'What then is science, particularly psychoanalytic psychology?' Whereupon he, visible a bit surprised, answered evasively: 'At least psychology has a social purpose. - Author: Ludwig Binswanger
Humor quotes by Ludwig Binswanger
#65. It's odd how violence and humor so often go together, isn't it? - Author: Dan Simmons
Humor quotes by Dan Simmons
#66. The orgy room at Dave's Baths was democracy made flesh; race and social standing were checked at the door along with clothes. - Author: Christopher Bram
Humor quotes by Christopher Bram
#67. Talon, Bracy; I give you my word, I will tie your ankles together with a cord and force you to walk together for a day if you can't learn to be pleasant to one another. - Author: Nicole Sager The Heart Of Arcrea
Humor quotes by Nicole Sager The Heart Of Arcrea
#68. Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. - Author: Alex Haley
Humor quotes by Alex Haley
#69. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by just looking at her hands... for instance, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry. - Author: Roney Ngala
Humor quotes by Roney Ngala
#70. Glaring at the doctor, Kev spoke in Romany. "Ka xlia ma pe tute" (I'm going to shit on you.)

"Which means," Rohan said hastily, "'Please forgive the misunderstanding; let's part as friends.'"

"Te malavel les i menkiva," Kev added for good measure. (May you die of a malignant wasting disease.)

"Roughly translated," Rohan said, "that means, 'May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.' Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom. - Author: Lisa Kleypas
Humor quotes by Lisa Kleypas
#71. A muscle in the Commander's jaw jumps, and he levels his fierce glare on Willow. "You have a big mouth."
"I need a big mouth to keep up with my big brain. - Author: C.J. Redwine
Humor quotes by C.J. Redwine
#72. Plus, humor is a good way to hide the pain. - Leo - Author: Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#73. Mothering Oxymoron: Reminding the kids to not talk with food in their mouths, yet I have food in my mouth while trying to correct them in the moment. - Author: Mommy Moo Moo
Humor quotes by Mommy Moo Moo
#74. Everything is perfect.
Everything is fine.
The rules of life are made up.
The rules only exist in your mind.
Of course there may be courtesies
And closures and laws to abide,
But the zeal with which you play
Relies on where YOU draw the line - Author: Jason Mraz
Humor quotes by Jason Mraz
#75. He saw no particular humor in it, and was too new to civilization to understand its discourtesies. Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing. He was bewildered and chagrined, and doubtless would have slunk away, abashed, but the Kothian chose - Author: Robert E. Howard
Humor quotes by Robert E. Howard
#76. I made you something to eat if you're hungry."
Leigh peered at the steaming pile on the plate on the tray, then asked uncertainly. "What is it?"
"Prime cuts in gravy."
"Prime cuts in gravy?" she echoed slowly. "Did you cook it?"
"I opened the can and heated it up in the microwave for one minute. Someone named Alpo cooked it."
Leigh stiffened, her head shooting up, eyes wide with disbelief. "Alpo?"
He shrugged. "That's what the can said."
Leigh shook her head with bewilderment. "You can use a microwave, but not a phone, and don't know that Alpo isn't the chef, but the brand name for dog food?" There was something seriously wrong here. - Author: Lynsay Sands
Humor quotes by Lynsay Sands
#77. Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them. - Author: Melinda Chapman
Humor quotes by Melinda Chapman
#78. You are the devil to talk to, Rachel," he said curtly. "Will you shut up and listen? - Author: Kim Harrison
Humor quotes by Kim Harrison
#79. I hear Raleigh's new accounting business isn't doing well. Maybe up in New York or somewhere it's a good thing, but in Jackson, Mississippi, people just don't care to do business with a rude, condescending asshole. - Author: Kathryn Stockett
Humor quotes by Kathryn Stockett
#80. I love it when you speak computationally," I texted. "It makes me want to slap on a lab coat and get to work."
Abelard didn't text me back.
"I'm sorry," he texted. "I was distracted by the thought of you only wearing a white lab coat. I believe it is possible that you are the best girlfriend in the history of girlfriends."
"I do my best." My best. It's not often that I get to say these words. - Author: Laura Creedle
Humor quotes by Laura Creedle
#81. There used to be a canny politician in the Hyde Park area in Chicago in which I at one time lived for several years. His slogan was "I am for harmony if I have to use an axe." As "Secretary of Charm," if and when my merits and ambitions are recognized by my appointment to that office, I will take a page out of old "Doc" Jamieson's book. My motto will be "I will have charm, even if I have to use a club. - Author: Beatrice Fairfax
Humor quotes by Beatrice Fairfax
#82. As a young father it's important to remember that, when you're at the beach, there's a BIG difference between telling your five year old son to just go pee in the ocean and telling him to get in the water at least waist deep and then pee in the ocean. - Author: Spuds Crawford
Humor quotes by Spuds Crawford
#83. Jen, get a clue and read Wadim's shirt." Jacque told her dryly.
Jen looked over at Wadim who, oh so helpfully, pulled his shirt out so that she could read it.
In black bold letters it said, "No really, I'm a werewolf and you're a human, which essentially translates into a steak with legs."
"Are you implying that Wadmin's going to eat me, cause I don't know how Dec would feel about that. - Author: Quinn Loftis
Humor quotes by Quinn Loftis
#84. People like us run the world not just by chance but because we're the only ones capable of doing it. We know your flaws. We know you better than you know yourselves. Our sense of honor compels us to take command, to guide the weak through times as dark as these. And our sense of humor compels us to enjoy it. - Author: Nathan M. Farrugia
Humor quotes by Nathan M. Farrugia
#85. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. - Author: A.A. Milne
Humor quotes by A.A. Milne
#86. I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes. - Author: Patton Oswalt
Humor quotes by Patton Oswalt
#87. Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?"
"No. It's quite comfortable, thank you."
"It should be. It's been in there for years." Nix winked at Will. "I hope you'll forgive my wife. She's a bit antisocial."
"And water's a bit wet. - Author: S.W. Vaughn
Humor quotes by S.W. Vaughn
#88. Piece of Heaven?"
"No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking. - Author: Richelle Mead
Humor quotes by Richelle Mead
#89. If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at the cats. The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the dedicatory ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things straight. - Author: William Strunk Jr.
Humor quotes by William Strunk Jr.
#90. On the porch, the sarge is having a heated debate with her second-in-command. The topic's no mystery; you can hear them clearly through the open door. They've completed the mission, the 2IC argues, time to off these bastards and return to base. "Capture and contain," the sarge shoots back. "My orders don't say nothing about offing anybody." She's wavering, though; you can hear it in her voice. her 2IC comes back with my point about the bomb-shitting beast in high orbit: Whatever she decides about the Dorothys, they have to return to base before dawn or enjoy a front-row seat to Armageddon. - Author: Rick Yancey
Humor quotes by Rick Yancey
#91. He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time. - Author: Katherine Rundell
Humor quotes by Katherine Rundell
#92. I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his ... nothing. A vampire and a werewolf.
I shook my head. It was obvious. I was having one of my Anita Blake dreams again. - Author: Michelle Rowen
Humor quotes by Michelle Rowen
#93. I want steak," he said, stopping to look at her. "And shrimp. And lobster. And pancakes. And a candy bar".
"I'm sorry, you'll have to settle for a couple of sandwiches".
Thomas sighed."Figures". - Author: James Dashner
Humor quotes by James Dashner
#94. And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor. - Author: Damon Wayans
Humor quotes by Damon Wayans
#95. MURRY:[Father] Time is kind of a big deal and I'd rather not tick him off.
MOLLY: Heh. Tick. - Author: Hillary DePiano
Humor quotes by Hillary DePiano
#96. ...the only thing that could justify your continuing existence on the planet would be if you started breathing carbon dioxide and exhaling oxygen. - Author: Yrsa Sigurdardottir
Humor quotes by Yrsa Sigurdardottir
#97. They don't know you're secretly a badass? - Author: Rachel Caine
Humor quotes by Rachel Caine
#98. It's funny how you can think you've said something when you never really did."
I giggled, feeling that the words were coming in his very next breath. "It's also funny how you can think you've heard something when you didn't either," he said instead.
All the humor vanished from the moment. "I know what you mean." I swallowed and watched as his hand moved from my cheek to lace his fingers through mine, knowing that he and I were both watching them. "Maybe, for some people, it would be hard to confess that. Like, if they worried they might not make it to the end." He sighed. "Or it would be hard to say if you worried that someone might not want to make it to the end ... maybe never quite gave up on someone else. - Author: Kiera Cass
Humor quotes by Kiera Cass
#99. I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes. - Author: Jen Lancaster
Humor quotes by Jen Lancaster
#100. The Tanakee are thought to possess strange, almost supernatural powers.Their eyes are described as large and hypnotic. From Tribe of the Teddy Bear - Author: J. Joseph Wright
Humor quotes by J. Joseph Wright
#101. It has sustained me in moments of success and in moments of disappointment. Without it, I'd be a different person. And without it, I doubt I'd be here today. - Author: George W. Bush
Humor quotes by George W. Bush
#102. You need to own your feelings. Get more comfortable expressing yourself."
"How about I express you out the nearest window? - Author: Greg Cox
Humor quotes by Greg Cox
#103. God, there's nothing like embarrassing a ginger to improve my mood - Author: Melissa DeCarlo
Humor quotes by Melissa DeCarlo
#104. If I say you're a goatherd's son, you say, 'Yes, Lord Ralon.'"
Alanna gasped with fury. "I'd as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you've been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed? - Author: Tamora Pierce
Humor quotes by Tamora Pierce
#105. I'm thinking we ought to rethink the whole self-esteem thing. It should almost be a dirty word. I mean, look at Kayla. She has the intelligence of a tree stump, and its sense of humour. She's less about real attractiveness than she is about advertising ... She's the kind of girl who shows how hot she is because she has nothing else to offer, who doesn't realise that hotness has an expiration date. Yet, I'm still a little nervous talking to her like she's holding a lottery ticket she just might or might not decide to hand over to me. It is nuts, if you stop to think about it. I give give her this power, and it's kind of like voting some idiot into office. But hey, we're good at that, too. - Author: Deb Caletti
Humor quotes by Deb Caletti
#106. Had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention. - Author: Stephen Colbert
Humor quotes by Stephen Colbert
#107. A pretty woman is a Christmas tree,' my mother told me in the airport. This fella is hanging things on my branches as his gaze sweeps from my face all the way down my body to my hips and then back to my face. Ideas fly from his widened eyes and land on me like teeny, decorative burdens. He is giving me shyness, maybe, some book smarts, and a certain yielding sweetness in bed. The oil-slick eyes get me, and I find myself hanging a few ornaments myself, giving him deft hands and a sense of humor. - Author: Joshilyn Jackson
Humor quotes by Joshilyn Jackson
#108. Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition? - Author: Isaac Asimov
Humor quotes by Isaac Asimov
#109. I don't like your eyes. They belong on a dead fish. - Author: Robert Ludlum
Humor quotes by Robert Ludlum
#110. He leaned in even closer until she could count the bristles on his poorly shaven chin. "But you're pretty. You can stay. Turn around and spread your legs so I can fuck you up against the wire. I'll get my cock in you so deep it'll need a directory to find its way out."
"That sounds ... dangerous."
"I am," he rumbled sexily, like a waterfall that's had a dam collapse upstream and is about to flood and destroy the village of peasants further downstream ... many of whom are poor and in desperate need of medical attention. - Author: Cari Silverwood
Humor quotes by Cari Silverwood
#111. Ty is green but never with envy. Best of all, he's usually available to help move a heavy piece of furniture. - Author: John Hopkins
Humor quotes by John Hopkins
#112. -Am I allowed to call you Grayson, or have you assumed a new identity as well?
-He's Frank. - Author: Jen Turano
Humor quotes by Jen Turano
#113. There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed. - Author: Joseph Heller
Humor quotes by Joseph Heller
#114. Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process? - Author: Melissa Landers
Humor quotes by Melissa Landers
#115. If he was indeed an "autodidact," there's no doubt he had the world's shittiest teacher. - Author: Paul Beatty
Humor quotes by Paul Beatty
#116. Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn't entirely there.
Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said.
"No, sir," said Mort.
Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.
"Was there?"
Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ. - Author: Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#117. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. - Author: Groucho Marx
Humor quotes by Groucho Marx
#118. There can be funny moments during sad stories - Author: Ammon Shea
Humor quotes by Ammon Shea
#119. Are you sure you weren't adopted?"
"Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory's real clear. - Author: Jana Deleon
Humor quotes by Jana Deleon
#120. In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere. - Author: Lois Greiman
Humor quotes by Lois Greiman
#121. It's super cloudy right now but I think I can see the northern lights from my room. Another observation: Every light is a strobe light, if you just blink fast enough, and drink enough vodka.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz - Author: Karen Quan
Humor quotes by Karen Quan
#122. I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
Humor quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
#123. Lily liked the fog, and didn't even mind the cold wind. She reckoned that Ocean Beach, the dunes there, and the Sunset were the closest San Francisco was going to come to the foreboding, wind-swept moors of England, where she had aspired to suffer romance and heartache when she was a kid. The foghorn, however, rather than a lonesome lament that conjured images of Heathcliff's dark figure, waiting with clenched jaw on the moor for her to bring light and warmth into his life, sounded like a distressed moose tied up in her neighbor's garage, having his nut sack singed with jumper cables at a precise interval calculated to keep her from falling asleep. Which, in turn, made her think of what complete douche bags people could be when all you wanted to do was borrow a defibrillator. Then she was awake and angry. - Author: Christopher Moore
Humor quotes by Christopher Moore
#124. I lowered my hands to try to save from disorder the arrangement of the tleaves and flowers; meanwhile, she was also dealing with the branches, leaning forward; and so it happened that at the very moment when one of my hands slipped in confusion between Madame Miyagi's kimono and her bare skin and found itself clasping a soft and warm breast, elongated in form, one of the lady's hands, from among the branches keiyaki [translator's note: in Europe called Caucasian elm], had reached my member and was holding it in a firm, frank grasp, drawing it from my garments as if she were performing the operation of stripping away leaves. - Author: Italo Calvino
Humor quotes by Italo Calvino
#125. I'll never forget my first time with you' Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. 'The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at lunch. - Author: Jennifer Crusie
Humor quotes by Jennifer Crusie
#126. She needs you, Dad," Julia says. "She has unfinished business in this world."
"What is the matter with you?" Charlie asks his daughter. "Any sane person would have told me to go to the doctor. I'm seeing a headless apparition every day. Maybe my medications are conflicting. You should see the list of side effects on this stuff. - Author: Joey Comeau
Humor quotes by Joey Comeau
#127. It's often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong. - Author: Lisa A. Tortorello
Humor quotes by Lisa A. Tortorello
#128. She needed to come with an instructional manual. And one not written in Spanish. - Author: Kelly Moran
Humor quotes by Kelly Moran
#129. We know they've got food here," Loran said ever practical. "What more do we need?"

"Well, as much as I heartily approve of food," Jason replied, glancing over at Loran. "I wouldn't say no to the odd cellium mine or cache of alien tech."

"You're picking up some alien tech?" Tennant asked excitedly, practically bouncing at the prospect. "Are there any weapons?"

"No, of course not," Jason snapped in exasperation. "I'm not picking up anything. But, ahh... I'll be sure to keep running that particular scan - the alien weapon scan," he added hurriedly in appeasement as Tennant's face dropped. - Author: Claire Russett
Humor quotes by Claire Russett
#130. What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you. - Author: Jackson Lanzing
Humor quotes by Jackson Lanzing
#131. Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror. - Author: Elle Kennedy
Humor quotes by Elle Kennedy
#132. You see?" said Laurent. "He has forgiven me for the small matter of the whip. I have forgiven him for the small matter of killing my brother. All hail the alliance. - Author: C.S. Pacat
Humor quotes by C.S. Pacat
#133. Capacity for violence, Rincewind had heard, was unisexual. He wasn't certain what unisex was, but expected that it was what he normally experienced. - Author: Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#134. Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy. - Author: Rachel Caine
Humor quotes by Rachel Caine
#135. Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! - Author: Bob Monkhouse
Humor quotes by Bob Monkhouse
#136. Emma; but you must think him agreeable. Can you lay your hand on your heart, and say you do not?
- Indeed I can, Both Hands; and spread to their widest extent. - Author: Jane Austen
Humor quotes by Jane Austen
#137. Say what you want about fairies, but you haven't rocked out until you've heard Smoke on the Water played on a harpsichord. ~Harlow - Author: Red Tash
Humor quotes by Red Tash
#138. What happens over the next few months is like the plot of a children's movie, the kind where a dog finds its owner in spite of insurmountable odds and prohibitive geography. - Author: Lena Dunham
Humor quotes by Lena Dunham
#139. If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. - Author: Winston S. Churchill
Humor quotes by Winston S. Churchill
#140. Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him. - Author: Joseph Heller
Humor quotes by Joseph Heller
#141. Best surprise ever." I whispered in his face. Then I leaned in and kissed him hard and deep like it was the last kiss I'd ever get.
"Wrong darlin', best hello ever." He grinned - Author: K. Larsen
Humor quotes by K. Larsen
#142. Screw up my life?" He stared at me for a second and then said, deadpan, "I'm a five-foot-three, thirty-seven-year-old, single, Jewish medical examiner who needs to pick up his lederhosen from the dry cleaners so that he can play in a one-man polka band at Oktoberfest tomorrow." He pushed up his glasses with his forefinger, folded his arms, and said, "Do your worst. - Author: Jim Butcher
Humor quotes by Jim Butcher
#143. Conspiracies existed, to be sure; many of them, and many were dark indeed. But fiendish? Fiendishness required brains. Nine times out of ten, conspirators behaved like buffoons and wound up exposing themselves out of sheer, bumbling incompetence. - Author: Eric Flint
Humor quotes by Eric Flint
#144. When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips- Bentley Evans - Author: Magan Vernon
Humor quotes by Magan Vernon
#145. Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."
Oh no ... why?
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes. - Author: E.L. James
Humor quotes by E.L. James
#146. The people in Miami are so different from anywhere else I've been in America. They're so down to earth, really friendly, and quite self-effacing, with a good sense of humor. I'm not saying other parts of America don't have a sense of humor, but Miami maybe has to have a really good sense of humor for lots of different reasons, and it works. It works for me. - Author: Tracey Emin
Humor quotes by Tracey Emin
#147. Ysolde: "You think so? Well maybe your precious Aisling just needs to watch out, because I'm not some pushover, you know. I'm a mage, and mated to the baddest ass in the dragon world."
Brom looked speculatively at Baltic. "That's you?"
Baltic: "Yes. If you were my son, as you should have been, you, too, would have a badass. - Author: Katie MacAlister
Humor quotes by Katie MacAlister
#148. A guy approached her, beer bottle in one hand, smiling at her in that way guys do when they think they're good- looking enough to smile and get anything they want. "My friend and I were just talking about what a sausage fest this was, and then you came in." He ran his appraising gaze down her body, lingering on the V of her neckline.
Faith crossed her arms. "That works out, because I'm here for a weenie roast.
He put a protective hand over his package - probably without realizing he was doing it - but his smile widened. - Author: Cindi Madsen
Humor quotes by Cindi Madsen
#149. There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed. - Author: Carrie Fisher
Humor quotes by Carrie Fisher
#150. Gavin, Logan, Calix. Was there a sale on trendy names when they were born, or something? - Author: Keri Lake
Humor quotes by Keri Lake
#151. If she hasn't learned to appreciate my sterling character and spectacular good looks by this time, it's not likely she will. - Author: Elizabeth Peters
Humor quotes by Elizabeth Peters
#152. It is hardly lonely in a nunnery, son, with other women. And God is there."
Morgause said, "I would rather dwell in a hermitage in the forest than in a house full of chattering ladies! If God is there, it must be hard for him to get a word in edgewise! - Author: Marion Zimmer Bradley
Humor quotes by Marion Zimmer Bradley
#153. Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: "What the heck is going on down there? - Author: Kat Falls
Humor quotes by Kat Falls
#154. тот что нас не убивает нас не интересует. 'That which cannot kill us does not interest us.' Exhaling poison, he explains, 'Nice sentiment shared by thieves and Bratva. - Author: Tanya Thompson
Humor quotes by Tanya Thompson
#155. Louella remarked that when foreign nations had intercourse with this country they knew they had been intercoursed. - Author: Jack Woodford
Humor quotes by Jack Woodford
#156. I hate those TV shows where characters talk about one thing, such as their patient on the operation table (let's say they're a doctor), then you realize they're actually talking about actually talking about themselves. The patient's open-heart surgery is nothing compared to their own messed-up heart or whatever. It's selfish. And means they're not concentrating, which is medical negligence. - Author: Jaclyn Moriarty
Humor quotes by Jaclyn Moriarty
#157. She led him past the engine room, which looked like a very dangerous, mechanized jungle gym, with pipes and pistons and tubes jutting from a central bronze sphere. Cables resembling giant metal noodles snaked across the floor and ran up the walls.
"How does that thing even work?" Percy asked.
"No idea," Annabeth said. "And I'm the only one besides Leo who can operate it."
"That's reassuring."
"It should be fine. It's only threatened to blow up once."
"You're kidding, I hope."
She smiled. "Come on. - Author: Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#158. There's a reason people say everything happens for a reason, but don't think about that reason too much, because then you'll turn into the unhappy "skeptical one" of the group. - Author: Jay Clark
Humor quotes by Jay Clark
#159. Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, So, you're back from Moscow, eh? - Author: P.G. Wodehouse
Humor quotes by P.G. Wodehouse
#160. When once married people begin to attack me with, 'Oh! you will think very differently, when you are married,' I can only say, 'No I shall not'; and then they say again, 'Yes you will,' and there is an end to it. - Author: Jane Austen
Humor quotes by Jane Austen
#161. If you invited a hedge wizard to a party, he would spend half the evening talking to your potted plant. And he would spend the other half listening. - Author: Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#162. Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world. - Author: M.J. McGuire
Humor quotes by M.J. McGuire
#163. Van Gogh was a complete nut job! Can you imagine in this day and age, if an artist or writer that you were going to sign or host an exhibit for had just cut off their freaking EAR and mailed it to their unrequited love? Talk about a PR nightmare. No one would be willing to work with that mess – seriously! How would you feel if you were told, "Hey, umm, your next writer just cut her own finger off? No big deal. She's all right."

As artists, we're all kind of odd in our own ways. I think that should be celebrated and more appreciated – I'm not saying that more people should start to cut off their ears or fingers or other appendages – but for god's sake, stop censoring everyone to death. It makes me sick. - Author: Kelly Fitzharris Coody
Humor quotes by Kelly Fitzharris Coody
#164. Our societies probably work best if they mimic as closely as possible the small-scale communities of our ancestors. We certainly did not evolve to live in cities with millions of people where we bump into strangers everyone we go, are threatened by them in dark streets, sit next to them in the bus, and give them the finger in traffic jams. - Author: Frans De Waal
Humor quotes by Frans De Waal
#165. Quote of the day.

"Al, for want of anything better to do, is standing nodding his head.

This reminds Faron of those stupid dogs that people put in their cars, that when the car moves, the dogs frantically nod their heads, like some demented, freshly graduated psychologist, with their first patients. - Author: Gary Edward Gedall
Humor quotes by Gary Edward Gedall
#166. I must go down to the seas again
to find where I
buried the hatchet with Yesterday. - Author: Janet Frame
Humor quotes by Janet Frame
#167. Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation. - Author: Conan O'Brien
Humor quotes by Conan O'Brien
#168. Minnesotans who bought scenic art usually avoided winter scenes. Hannah didn't find that surprising. Minnesota winters were long. Why would they want to buy a painting that would constantly remind them of the bone-chilling cold, the heavy snow that had to be shoveled, and the necessity of dressing up in survival gear to do nothing more than take out the garbage? - Author: Joanne Fluke
Humor quotes by Joanne Fluke
#169. Dear God, she couldn't give this man sex. She could barely give it to Van, and he currently smelled so good she just wanted to shove her face under his t-shirt and eat whatever she found there. - Author: Charlotte Stein
Humor quotes by Charlotte Stein
#170. Black holes are where God divided by zero. - Author: Albert Einstein
Humor quotes by Albert Einstein
#171. Run everything on a generator," Haskel said. "Got to keep it a certain temperature for the stuff I carry. Not too cold. Not too hot. There's shit in here, weather got wrong, it'd go off and blow our asses all the way to Mineola. Maybe out in the goddamned Gulf."
"I don't like to travel that far unless I got plane tickets and a steward in my lap," Leonard said.
Haskel cut an eye toward Leonard. "You mean stewardess, don't you?"
"I don't think so," Leonard said, and let Haskel churn that one over. - Author: Joe R. Lansdale
Humor quotes by Joe R. Lansdale
#172. I silently wished to be a car-I was big enough to be one. I wanted to imagine myself purring every time Devin got inside me and took me for a ride. Unfortunately, all I could see was me drunk with chocolate smeared across my face singing the Transformer's intro "Robots in Disguise!" into Shannon's broken box fan. - Author: Tabatha Vargo
Humor quotes by Tabatha Vargo
#173. I don't know karate, but I know ka-razy! - Author: James Brown
Humor quotes by James Brown
#174. Then her mother – as skilled in the art of ambush as most mothers are – startled her with her furious, echoing roar. - Author: John Flanagan
Humor quotes by John Flanagan
Humor quotes by John Irving
#176. Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection. - Author: Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#177. Eu só sonho horrores hilários. - Author: Filipe Russo
Humor quotes by Filipe Russo
#178. The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. - Author: Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#179. If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake. - Author: Joss Whedon
Humor quotes by Joss Whedon
#180. things you bone, end up boning you - Author: Josh Stern
Humor quotes by Josh Stern
#181. You don't have to call me that, you know," she said, brushing her hair back from her shoulders. "There was a time when you called me Winter."

He leaned his elbows on the enclosure wall. "There was also a time when I could come visit you without feeling like I was supposed to toss bread crumbs to earn your favor."

"Bread crumbs? Do I look like a goose?"

He tilted his head to the side. "You don't look like an arctic wolf, either, but that's what the plaque tells me I'm looking at."

Winter leaned back on her hands. "I will not play fetch," she said, "but I might howl if you ask nicely."

He grinned. "I've heard your howl. It's not very wolf-like, either."

"I've been practicing."

"You won't bite me if I come in there, will you?"

"I make no guarantees."

Jacin hopped over the rail and came to sit beside her. She raised an eyebrow. "You don't look like an arctic wolf, either."

"I also don't howl." He considered. "Though I might play fetch, depending on the prize."

"The prize is another game of fetch."

"You drive a hard bargain. - Author: Marissa Meyer
Humor quotes by Marissa Meyer
#182. My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children's need for parenting. - Author: Margot Page
Humor quotes by Margot Page
#183. Yes, I'm shallow, I don't mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there's no end to the depths of my shallowness. - Author: Franny Billingsley
Humor quotes by Franny Billingsley
#184. Hiking is sort of like strip poker: by the end, all the participants are hot, sweaty, and nearly naked, and the winner is the person who wore the most layers. - Author: Winona Dimeo-Ediger
Humor quotes by Winona Dimeo-Ediger
#185. I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children. - Author: George W. Bush
Humor quotes by George W. Bush
#186. It's so hard being goth. You have to have a bad time everywhere. - Author: Clint Catalyst
Humor quotes by Clint Catalyst
#187. All the people who follow me on Twitter know my sense of humor. I sometimes forget the blogosphere will give it more weight than I intended. - Author: Kurt Sutter
Humor quotes by Kurt Sutter
#188. There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. - Author: George Carlin
Humor quotes by George Carlin
#189. You have a minute and a half left."
"Fine," she snapped. "Then I'll reduce this conversation to one single fact. Today I had six callers. Six! Can you recall the last time I had six callers?"
Anthony just stared at her blankly.
"I can't," Daphne continued, in fine form now. "Because it has never happened. Six men marched up our steps, knocked on our door, and gave Humboldt their cards. Six men brought me flowers, engaged me in conversation, and one even recited poetry."
Simon winced.
"And do you know why?" she demanded, her voice rising dangerously. "Do you?"
Anthony, in his somewhat belatedly arrived wisdom, held his tongue.
"It is all because he" - she jabbed her forefinger toward Simon - "was kind enough to feign interest in me last night at Lady Danbury's ball. - Author: Julia Quinn
Humor quotes by Julia Quinn
#190. Isn't it wonderful to give birth to your own kind? - Author: Lailah Gifty Akita
Humor quotes by Lailah Gifty Akita
#191. It's raining like a cow relieving itself. - Author: Rosen Topuzov
Humor quotes by Rosen Topuzov
#192. He loved her all he could; but he couldn't love her very much. - Author: Jennifer Crusie
Humor quotes by Jennifer Crusie
#193. I'm partial to telling all the sharks they're not as cool as they think they are, and that it's people like them who bankrupt the tooth fairy and don't leave any tooth money for the rest of us. Or we can make out some more. I'm planning on moaning, 'oh, Salty! You bad sea demon!' next time. Just so you're prepared."
Kat grins. "Who says we can't do both?"
"I knew I loved you." I lean in and kiss her. And then a shark swims by and I shake my fist at it and ask it where all my quarters are. - Author: Chelsea M. Campbell
Humor quotes by Chelsea M. Campbell
#194. If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here. - Author: Garrison Keillor
Humor quotes by Garrison Keillor
#195. No time better than the present,' I always say. Or was that, 'Nothing is better than a present'? I forget. - Author: Kaza Kingsley
Humor quotes by Kaza Kingsley
#196. Either help or give up. Right now devil's advocate is just another name for asshole. - Author: James S.A. Corey
Humor quotes by James S.A. Corey
#197. - Did you really save the world ? ...
- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot. - Author: Jim Butcher
Humor quotes by Jim Butcher
#198. Inside the pub, Richard's friends continued to celebrate his forthcoming departure with an enthusiasm that, to Richard, was beginning to border on the sinister. - Author: Neil Gaiman
Humor quotes by Neil Gaiman
#199. Flogging will continue until morale improves. - Author: Julie Klassen
Humor quotes by Julie Klassen
#200. When are you going to trust me Max?" asked Fang.
"When I go completely bonkers," I laughed. - Author: James Patterson
Humor quotes by James Patterson

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