Funny Inspirational Quotes

Nobody wants to enter the jungle, but everyone wants to be called Rambo. ~ Mircea Popister

For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise. ~ Christopher Moore

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00. ~ Henny Youngman

I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose. ~ S.I. Hayakawa

Excessive animal protein is at the core of many chronic diseases. ~ T. Colin Campbell

It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose. ~ Sandy Lyle

I don't think about it in terms of being a woman. Being gracious, attentive, curious, interested are requirements for everyone. ~ Jenna Lyons

We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous ... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for ... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time. ~ Cynthia Heimel

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. ~ Albert Einstein

I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler. ~ Amy Poehler

For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it. ~ Karl Lagerfeld

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. ~ Oscar Wilde

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island. ~ Christopher Moore

You should bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. It doesn't matter what that is. It doesn't matter if it's a table or a film or gardening - everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, I did that. ~ Ricky Gervais

Poor empty pants
With nobody inside them. ~ Dr. Seuss

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. ~ Albert Einstein

Free your mind... and your ass will follow. ~ George Clinton

Every sweet, humble young model is only one campaign away from becoming a fashion monster. ~ Coco Rocha

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. ~ Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

Good things come to those who initiate. ~ Susan RoAne

The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live. ~ Socrates

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. ~ Mel Brooks

I didn't want women to walk out of the dressing rooms feeling depressed and wanting a cocktail. ~ Sara Blakely

If you can't win, make the one ahead of you break the record. ~ John McKeithen

The average age (longevity) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as ever. I have lived quite long enough and am trying to die; but I simply cannot do it. A single beef-steak would finish me; but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I am oppressed with a dread of living forever. That is the only disadvantage of vegetarianism. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. ~ Larry David

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~ Spike Milligan

It must be around forty, when you're "over the hill." I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it will NOT work. ~ Thomas Edison

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. ~ H.W.L. Poonja

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering. ~ Paul Reiser

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. ~ Billy Wilder

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up. ~ Dr. Seuss

He has a heart of gold - only harder. ~ Adolphe Menjou

We all obsess about what we are doing and accomplishing. What if we let it go and simply made the way we live our lives our accomplishment? ~ Maria Shriver

There is no magic to achievement. It's really about hard work, choices, and persistence. ~ Michelle Obama

You know, you spend your childhood watching TV, assuming that at some point in the future everything you see there will one day happen to you: that you too will win a Formula One race, hop a train, foil a group of terrorists, tell someone 'Give me the gun', etc. Then you start secondary school, and suddenly everyone's asking you about your career plans and your long-term goals, and by goals they don't mean the kind you are planning to score in the FA Cup. Gradually the awful truth dawns on you: that Santa Claus was just the tip of the iceberg - that your future will not be the rollercoaster ride you'd imagined, that the world occupied by your parents, the world of washing the dishes, going to the dentist, weekend trips to the DIY superstore to buy floor-tiles, is actually largely what people mean when they speak of 'life'. Now, with every day that passes, another door seems to close, the one marked PROFESSIONAL STUNTMAN, or FIGHT EVIL ROBOT, until as the weeks go by and the doors - GET BITTEN BY SNAKE, SAVE WORLD FROM ASTEROID, DISMANTLE BOMB WITH SECONDS TO SPARE - keep closing, you begin to hear the sound as a good thing, and start closing some yourself, even ones that didn't necessarily need to be closed. ~ Paul Murray

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep. ~ Rajneesh

When you take the time to actually listen, with humility, to what people have to say, it's amazing what you can learn. Especially if the people who are doing the talking also happen to be children. ~ Greg Mortenson

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car. ~ Harvey Diamond

I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all those handshakes. ~ Phil Rizzuto

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. ~ Marilyn Vos Savant

I know it's technically goodwill to all men, but in my mind, I drop the men because that feels segregationist/elitist/sexist/generally bad ist.
Goodwill shouldn't be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats. I'd even
extend the goodwill not just to living creatures but to the dearly departed, and if we include them, we might as well include the undead, those
supposedly mythic beings like vampires, and if they're in, then so are elves, fairies, and gnomes. Heck, since we're already being so generous in our
big group hug, why not also embrace those supposedly inanimate objects like dolls and stu ~ Rachel Cohn

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here". ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. ~ Sam Ewing

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) ~ Henny Youngman

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. ~ H.L. Mencken

Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can. ~ Danny Kaye

I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy. ~ Brian Andreas

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something. ~ Richelle Mead

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. ~ Bryan White

Word of mouth is the best medium of all. ~ William Bernbach

When times are bad is when the real entrepreneurs emerge. ~ Robert Kiyosaki

I'd rather live my life believing in God to die and see there is one. Because if there isn't one, it means there's no eternal life, therefore I will never know. ~ Sandra Chami Kassis

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~ Jimmy Durante

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up. ~ Frank Zappa

Sport is singularly able to give us peak experience where we feel completely one with the world and transcend all conflicts as we finally become our own potential. ~ George A. Sheehan

Nature itself is the best physician. ~ Hippocrates

There you are. A simple commandment. Not ten of them, just one: 'Thou shalt not eat.' (Personally, I wish the very first edict from God hadn't involved dieting, don't you?) ~ Liz Curtis Higgs

It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is absolutely fatal. ~ Oscar Wilde

I will survive, jackoffs. Just watch me. ~ Kirstin Cronn-Mills

Okay, so let's say we're all in the bubble. What's tonight then? Part of the bubble too? Because, it can't be all bad if there's Nutter Butter pancakes, right?"
He flashed a crooked smile. "This? This is a blip in the bubble. A glitch in the matrix. This is the ultimate not-supposed to. ~ Margaux Froley

Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog. ~ Damon Hill

I realize nobody's coming to save me. I must save myself. I must be my own super hero. Although I am open to a sidekick. ~ Karen Salmansohn

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. ~ Milton Berle

Live mean or die trying. ~ Cameron Jace

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. ~ H.L. Mencken

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. ~ Will Rogers

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. ~ Bill Watterson

Don't let schooling interfere with your education. ~ Mark Twain

This is a long-delayed, hard-won, and badly needed victory for millions of women. ~ Patty Murray

Kindness, motherfucker, kindness. ~ Don Roff

Note to self: When noticing flyaway hairs, do not use lip gloss as an 'on-the-go' hair gel. ~ Danica McKellar

Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

The world wants to define me by my mammary glands and melanin. It is just fascinating that Michael Mann has never been asked what it is like to be a white male filmmaker. ~ Victoria Mahoney

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? ~ Rita Rudner

The key to success is not through achievement, but through enthusiasm. ~ Malcolm Forbes

You're at your best when you don't know what you're doing. ~ Paul Stanley

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free. ~ Steve McConnell

Real men don't lift weights, they lift women. ~ Every Male Ballet Dancer

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind. ~ Donald Knuth

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. ~ Janet Coleman

I am where I am because I believe in all possibilities. ~ Whoopi Goldberg

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away. ~ Kareena Kapoor

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. ~ Woody Allen

I guess good things come to those who wait. ~ Kurt Busch

It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit and vegetables. ~ Clint Eastwood

polite conversation is rarely either ~ Fran Lebowitz

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. ~ W. H. Auden

I'm in my dressing room about to play to a sold-out crowd at the O2 arena in Ireland. Name a female rapper who's ever done that and I will give you $100,000. ~ Nicki Minaj

The data is clear: If you give a woman an opportunity, she will make a huge difference. ~ Carly Fiorina

It's funny how the ugly duckling always has so many beautiful things to teach us. ~ Curtis Tyrone Jones

I've been vegan for about 10 and a half years. It's been all good. I'm obviously much healthier ~ Woody Harrelson

A good time for laughing is when you can. ~ Jessamyn West

The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows. ~ Aristotle Onassis

Time heals all wounds. Unless they're infected. Like gangrene. That shit'll kill you. ~ Johnny Moscato

Sexism is so five minutes ago. I think for the most part, people accept that women are as competent as men. ~ Katie Couric