Hilarious Quotes

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Quotes About Hilarious

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#1. Puck swung the cannon around in anger. The nozzle spun and hit Sabrina in the chest. The force was so pawerful she was knocked right off the platform and fell backward off the tower. She saw sky above her and felt the wind in her hair. How ironic, she thought, as she fell to her certain death, that at that moment she would have given anything to be a giant goose again.
Air rushed past Sabrina's ears and suddenly she felt her back tingling again. A moment later she was hanging upside down, inches from the ground. She looked up to find her savior, only to find that her her wasn't a person but a long, furry tail sticking out of the back of her pants. It was wrapped around a beam in the tower a kept her swinging there like a monkey.
Puck floated down to her, his wings flapping softly enough to allow him to hover.
"I bet you think this is hilarious. Look what you did to me with your stupid pranks. I have a tail!" she raged.
Puck's face was trembling. "I'm sorry."
"What?" Sabrina said blankly.
"I almost killed you. I'm sorry, Sabrina," he said, rubbing his eyes on his filthy hoodie. He lifted her off the tower and set her on the ground.
"Since when do you care?" Sabrina said, still stunned by the boy's apology. - Author: Michael Buckley
Hilarious quotes by Michael Buckley
#2. Sexcastle is a perfect mix of homage and comedy, action and irony, loving tribute and hilarious send-up of the great, good, and ungodly-bad action movies of the '80s. I don't remember the last time a debut book hit me this hard. Literally, this book punched me in the face. It's THAT mean. - Author: Matt Fraction
Hilarious quotes by Matt Fraction
#3. And put your shirt back on, why don't you?" she said over her shoulder. "Remember, I'm a lady."
"If'n you call twelve a lady," Jimmy said, full of chuckles.
"You're a regular comedian, Jimmy Koppel. Downright hilarious. - Author: Tess Hilmo
Hilarious quotes by Tess Hilmo
#4. I want to focus on my salad. - Author: Martha Stewart
Hilarious quotes by Martha Stewart
#5. We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. - Author: Matthew McConaughey
Hilarious quotes by Matthew McConaughey
MELUSINE: Puis-je vous aider?
NEWT: Er - yes, this is Leta Lestrange. And - I'm her -
TINA: Fiancé.
There is an increased awkwardness between them.
NEWT: Tina, about that fiancée business -
TINA (brittle): Sorry, yeah. I should have congratulated you -
The doors to the records office open. They enter briskly.

The doors close behind them, plunging them into darkness.
NEWT: No, that's -
TINA: Lumos.
NEWT: Tina - about Leta -
TINA: Yes, I've just said, I am happy for you -
NEWT: Yeah, well, don't.
She stops. Looks at him. What?
NEWT: Please don't be happy.
(in trouble) Uh, no, no. I'm sorry. I don't . . . Uh, obviously, I - Obviously I want you to be. And I hear that you are now. Uh, which is wonderful. Sorry -
(a gesture of hopelessness) What I'm trying to say is, I want you to be happy, but don't be happy that I'm happy, because I'm not.
(off her confusion) Happy.
(off her continued confusion) Or engaged.
TINA: What?
NEWT: It was a mistake in a stupid magazine. My brother's marrying Leta, June the sixth. I'm supposed to be best man. Which is sort of mildly hilarious.
TINA: Does he think you're here to win her back?
Are you here to win her back?
NEWT: No! I'm here to -
A beat. He stares at her.
NE - Author: J.K. Rowling
Hilarious quotes by J.K. Rowling
#7. I once worked with Emma Thompson's mother, Phyllida Law. I worked with her on a BBC drama, and she was hilarious. I loved her so much, and she was great to work with. - Author: Thomas Sangster
Hilarious quotes by Thomas Sangster
#8. Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. - Author: Zach Galifianakis
Hilarious quotes by Zach Galifianakis
#9. Shocked?" Juliet queried, the light pink tint on her cheeks the only telling sign of her discomfort with the conversation.
He nodded. "Yes. I had no idea my little girl knew what fluffies were."
Juliet opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by more misguided innocence from Kate. "They're the fluffy things Juliet keeps hidden in her dress here and here," she said proudly, tapping her chest to indicate just where these fluffy objects were located.
Patrick blinked. "That's quite enough, Katie love. Why don't you go paint some flowers or something. I need to have a word alone with Juliet. - Author: Rose Gordon
Hilarious quotes by Rose Gordon
#10. No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is ... beastly. - Author: Victoria Scott
Hilarious quotes by Victoria Scott
#11. We have North Shore, Hawaii and Lost all there, so they have softball tournaments between the casts. It's hilarious. - Author: Josh Holloway
Hilarious quotes by Josh Holloway
#12. I think just about everyone is doing something that's completely different from what you've seen them do before or a stretch in some way. Like Brandon Routh is so funny, he's awesome. And Chris Evans is hilarious. I mean, he's always funny but just in this character, it's like, I mean I could barely stop laughing on a single take, it was unbelievable. So I think everybody's going to be really, really happy with all the [exes?]. - Author: Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Hilarious quotes by Mary Elizabeth Winstead
#13. Coming from the William Morris mailroom as I have, this book
is the truth of what I experienced, and it reminded me of all the
fun and craziness and fake drama that trained me for this
profession. It's hilarious, a bit crazy, and it should make anyone
wonder why people put their careers in the hands of these
idiotsand remember I'm one of them. If you have a child,
make sure he or she reads this before starting at the bottom-
anywhere. - Author: Bernie Brillstein
Hilarious quotes by Bernie Brillstein
#14. What a cool name. Where'd you get it?"
"I've always had it. - Author: Marie Landry
Hilarious quotes by Marie Landry
#15. I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it - which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, 'There was a funny 'Simpson's' joke about that.' - Author: Joss Whedon
Hilarious quotes by Joss Whedon
#16. You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what. - Author: Christopher Moore
Hilarious quotes by Christopher Moore
#17. The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. - Author: Quentin Crisp
Hilarious quotes by Quentin Crisp
#18. Whatever shall you wear?' Torin observed, propping his chin in his hand. 'Let's see, there's the black T-shirt with black jeans. Or perhaps, if you're going for elegance over function, you could wear the black T-shirt with black jeans. Ooh!' He sat up, widening his eyes. 'Do you know what would be particularly fetching? The black-'
'T-shirt with black jeans,' I finished for him. 'Hilarious. - Author: Rachel Hawkins
Hilarious quotes by Rachel Hawkins
#19. At present, however, with his aching head and queasy stomach, Sebastian was feeling exceedingly resistible. Or if not that, then resistant. Aphrodite herself could descend from the ceiling, floating on a bloody clamshell, naked but for a few well-placed flowers, and he'd likely puke at her feet.

No, no, she ought to be completely naked. If he was going to prove the existence of a goddess, right here in this room, she was damned well going to be naked.

He'd still puke on her feet, though. - Author: Julia Quinn
Hilarious quotes by Julia Quinn
#20. Life is wonderful and strange...and it's also absolutely mundane and tiresome. It's hilarious and it's deadening. It's a big, screwed-up morass of beauty and change and fear and all our lives we oscillate between awe and tedium. I think stories are the place to explore that inherent weirdness; that movement from the fantastic to the prosaic that is life....

What interests me - and interests me totally - is how we as living human beings can balance the brief, warm, intensely complicated fingersnap of our lives against the colossal, indifferent, and desolate scales of the universe. Earth is four-and-a-half billion years old. Rocks in your backyard are moving if you could only stand still enough to watch. You get hernias because, eons ago, you used to be a fish. So how in the world are we supposed to measure our lives - which involve things like opening birthday cards, stepping on our kids' LEGOs, and buying toilet paper at Safeway - against the absolutely incomprehensible vastness of the universe?

How? We stare into the fire. We turn to friends, bartenders, lovers, priests, drug-dealers, painters, writers. Isn't that why we seek each other out, why people go to churches and temples, why we read books? So that we can find out if life occasionally sets other people trembling, too? - Author: Anthony Doerr
Hilarious quotes by Anthony Doerr
#21. There are people who think the film 'This Is Spinal Tap' is simply a very funny 'mockumentary.' Well, with Yes, we lived it. Take the hilarious scene in the film in which the bass player is trapped in a giant pod - that actually happened to Alan one night. - Author: Rick Wakeman
Hilarious quotes by Rick Wakeman
#22. I try to find a style that matches the book. In the Baroque Cycle, I got infected with the prose style of the late 17th and early 18th centuries, which is my favorite era. It's recent enough that it is easy to read - easier than Elizabethan English - but it's pre-Victorian and so doesn't have the pomposity that is often a problem with 19th-century English prose. It is earthy and direct and frequently hilarious. - Author: Neal Stephenson
Hilarious quotes by Neal Stephenson
#23. Didgeridooing?" Megan asked from over my shoulder.

"Profanity filter on my mobile," I said.

"You use a profanity filter? What is this, kindergarten?"

"Nah," I said. "It's hilarious. Makes people sound really stupid. - Author: Brandon Sanderson
Hilarious quotes by Brandon Sanderson
#24. Michael, don't," Eve said. "He won't hurt us." Andeveryone rolled their eyes at that. Even Jason, which was borderline hilarious. - Author: Rachel Caine
Hilarious quotes by Rachel Caine
#25. If you even dream of beating me, you'd better wake up and apologize. - Author: Muhammad Ali
Hilarious quotes by Muhammad Ali
#26. Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. - Author: Chelsea Handler
Hilarious quotes by Chelsea Handler
#27. My wife thinks I'm a narcissist, but I just think it's hilarious going on YouTube and seeing these covers. There are so many of them - literally hundreds! It's flattering. - Author: Charles Kelley
Hilarious quotes by Charles Kelley
#28. Talc: You have been found guilty of misleading and perverting the young. I decree that you be
hung by your underdeveloped testicles until dead. ZORRO - Author: John Kennedy Toole
Hilarious quotes by John Kennedy Toole
#29. Very few women have become famous for being who they actually are, nuanced and imperfect. When honesty happens, it's usually couched in self-ridicule or self-help. Dunham doesn't apologize like that-she simply tells her story as if it might be interesting. The result is shocking and radical because it is utterly familiar. Not That Kind of Girl is hilarious, artful, and staggeringly intimate; I read it shivering with recognition. - Author: Miranda July
Hilarious quotes by Miranda July
#30. The most hilarious person ever is God - Author: Alzenati Zenati
Hilarious quotes by Alzenati Zenati
#31. I think the Ambitious Lovers never got their due- we had terrible management and at that point, we were on major labels and we didn't have any music business savvy which we could have used. We made a series of hilarious mistakes not in terms of music but in terms of making it happen. - Author: Arto Lindsay
Hilarious quotes by Arto Lindsay
#32. In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons. - Author: Will Smith
Hilarious quotes by Will Smith
#33. That being said, some of my favorite poets are extremely funny. The aforementioned Matt Rohrer, for instance. Mary Ruefle. James Tate might be the best example of someone who is systematically misread because he can be hilarious. In his poems, as in all great funny poems, the humor is one very appealing version of the surprise and associative movement that is at the heart of all poetry. - Author: Matthew Zapruder
Hilarious quotes by Matthew Zapruder
#34. And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it. - Author: George Eliot
Hilarious quotes by George Eliot
#35. All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humour. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognise how hilarious I am. - Author: Ade Bozzay
Hilarious quotes by Ade Bozzay
#36. So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots ... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me ... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ... Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo ... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight. - Author: Bill Hicks
Hilarious quotes by Bill Hicks
#37. It is often said that great works of art are "inexhaustible" - capable, as Stanley Olson put it, of "endless interpretation. But Lubin, the Charlotte C. Weber Professor of Art at Wake Forest University, demonstrates in painful if inadvertently hilarious detail that this does not mean that works of art are immune from - that they are not in fact often subject to - wild and perverse misinterpretation. - Author: Roger Kimball
Hilarious quotes by Roger Kimball
#38. Meanwhile London Mayor Boris Johnson 'joked' that women only go to university because 'they've got to find men to marry' (hilarious, no?) and - Author: Laura Bates
Hilarious quotes by Laura Bates
#39. the latest antics of Kitty, who had chased a fly over a washtub with hilarious but soaking results. - Author: Kellyn Roth
Hilarious quotes by Kellyn Roth
#40. Sometimes Joyce is hilarious. I read Finnegans Wake after graduate school and I had the great good fortune of reading it without any help. I don't know if I read it right, but it was hilarious! I laughed constantly! I didn't know what was going on for whole blocks but it didn't matter because I wasn't going to be graded on it. I think the reason why everyone still has so much fun with Shakespeare is because he didn't have any literary critic. He was just doing it; and there were no reviews except for people throwing stuff on stage. He could just do it. - Author: Toni Morrison
Hilarious quotes by Toni Morrison
#41. Mr. Malone, who contrived to secure two glasses of wine, when his brethren contented themselves with one, waxed by degrees hilarious after his fashion; that is, he grew a little insolent, said rude things in a hectoring tone, and laughed clamorously at his own brilliancy. - Author: Anonymous
Hilarious quotes by Anonymous
#42. We used to do sock puppet shows for my auntie back in the day. Me and my friends would do accents of Englishmen, and we would sip tea and act like we were rich in front of the family, and they thought it was just hilarious, the level of perception that we had about things that we'd never experienced. - Author: Keith Stanfield
Hilarious quotes by Keith Stanfield
#43. Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! - Author: Rick Riordan
Hilarious quotes by Rick Riordan
#44. So ... " Heather nodded slowly. "We're still here."
"Yep. I think your team of SWAT guys got lost. Probably looking for their shirts."
She made a face at him. "You're effing hilarious."
"I try. - Author: Chelsea Fine
Hilarious quotes by Chelsea Fine
#45. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - Author: Dave Barry
Hilarious quotes by Dave Barry
#46. Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you ... ," she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. "I have to show you ... my butt. - Author: Paul Rudnick
Hilarious quotes by Paul Rudnick
#47. You're not used to early mornings, are you?"
He shook his head. "Early mornings were invented by the system to keep the people occupied. But not me. I'm on to them. They're not gonna catch me napping. Metaphorically, like. Obviously, they can catch me physically napping like, four or five times a day, but, metaphorically, I am so far beyond their reach. - Author: Derek Landy
Hilarious quotes by Derek Landy
#48. I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people. - Author: Kesha
Hilarious quotes by Kesha
#49. My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. - Author: Bill Burr
Hilarious quotes by Bill Burr
#50. I was very excited to hone in on John Goodman. Casting John first really set the tone. He's very good at being terrifying and being hilarious, and I loved the idea of that character not being merely 'moustache-twirly'. I enjoyed being scared by him. - Author: Dan Trachtenberg
Hilarious quotes by Dan Trachtenberg
#51. A human being having a full emotional conversation with a dog is funny, innately. It's one of those things where you get in a scene and you always go for what is the best joke, and a talking dog for some reason, whatever he says, is hilarious. (about his role wiht a talking dog in the forthcoming MEN IN BLACK sequel. - Author: Will Smith
Hilarious quotes by Will Smith
#52. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Author: Walter Matthau
Hilarious quotes by Walter Matthau
#53. Daddy was hilarious. He could take the most mundane event and tell it so that we all on the floor laughing. He trained me in the joys of humor. - Author: Karen DeCrow
Hilarious quotes by Karen DeCrow
#54. Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn't help him, I'd pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That's the type of guy Ray Lewis is. - Author: Shannon Sharpe
Hilarious quotes by Shannon Sharpe
#55. Now that he knew there was the possibility of gay porn in his future he was a happy hamster. - Author: Tam Ames - Caged
Hilarious quotes by Tam Ames - Caged
#56. And every day that I spend as Charlotte and Aiden's mother, I think about my own mother, my wonderful, thoughtful, hilarious mother. - Author: Chelsea Clinton
Hilarious quotes by Chelsea Clinton
#57. Speaking of body decorations, I luuhhhvv your belly piercing!" Heeb said, looking at the gold ring in the center of her slim, tan waist. Despite the artic cold, Angelina had opted for a skin tight, black tube top that ended just above her belly, on the assumption that a warm cab, a winter coat, and a short wait to get into the club was an adequate frosty weather strategy. Heeb was still reverently staring at her belly when Angelina finally caught her breath from laughing.

"Do you really like it? You're just saying that so that you can check out my belly!"

"And what's so bad about that? I mean, didn't you get that belly piercing so that people would check out your belly?"

"No. I just thought it would look cool…Do you have any piercings?"

"Actually, I do," Heeb replied.


"My appendix."


"I wanted to be the first guy with a pierced organ. And the appendix is a totally useless organ anyway, so I figured why the hell not?"

"That's pretty original," she replied, amused.

"Oh yeah. I've outdone every piercing fanatic out there. The only problem is when I have to go through metal detectors at the airport."

Angelina burst into laughs again, and then managed to say, "Don't you have to take it out occasionally for a cleaning?"

"Nah. I figure I'll just get it removed when my appendix bursts. It'll be a two for one operation, if you know what I m - Author: Zack Love
Hilarious quotes by Zack Love
#58. A peevish self-willed harlotry it is.

*She's a stubborn little brat.* - Author: William Shakespeare
Hilarious quotes by William Shakespeare
#59. Working on 'Parks' was like heaven because everyone there was just intimidatingly intelligent and funny, and we would have these hilarious debates about really tangential things. It was inspiring because I felt really challenged to be my best. - Author: Chelsea Peretti
Hilarious quotes by Chelsea Peretti
#60. So much of comedy is feeling comfortable with the point of view coming at you. So I understand it. There's people who I find hilarious now, but the first couple of times I saw 'em, I was like "What is this? I don't get it at all." - Author: Scott Aukerman
Hilarious quotes by Scott Aukerman
#61. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - Author: Joan Rivers
Hilarious quotes by Joan Rivers
#62. To walk by the sea and carry the sound inside, is to impregnate yourself with a hilarious delight. - Author: Jayita Bhattacharjee
Hilarious quotes by Jayita Bhattacharjee
#63. The principal hindrance to the advancement of the kingdom of God is greed. It is the chief obstacle to heaven-sent revival. It seems that when the back of greed is broken, the human spirit soars into regions of unselfishness. I believe that it is safe to say there can be no continuous revival without 'hilarious' giving. And I fear no contradiction: wherever there is 'hilarious' giving there will soon be revival! - Author: O. S. Hawkins
Hilarious quotes by O. S. Hawkins
#64. Writing 'We Are Never Getting Back Together' was one of the most hilarious experiences I have ever had in the studio because it just happened so naturally. - Author: Taylor Swift
Hilarious quotes by Taylor Swift
#65. As a director, you can't stop a guy if he thinks something's hysterical, because if you do, then he'll get depressed because he thinks he didn't come up with a good joke. So if a guy's going on some run and it's killing him, and he thinks it's hilarious, you gotta do enough so that he thinks you can use it in the movie. - Author: Evan Goldberg
Hilarious quotes by Evan Goldberg
#66. Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it. - Author: Ashleigh Brilliant
Hilarious quotes by Ashleigh Brilliant
#67. I take literature as a really serious human activity. It's not just a playful thing. It can be hilarious and wonderful and performative, but I think it's really serious. - Author: David Shields
Hilarious quotes by David Shields
#68. What are you doing sister? / Killing swine. - Author: William Shakespeare
Hilarious quotes by William Shakespeare
#69. If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. - Author: George Carlin
Hilarious quotes by George Carlin
#70. You, and you alone, have reported this mysterious sense of doom. You, and you alone, are a chaos magnet the likes of which I have never seen. After our little shopping trip to Diagon Alley, and then the Sorting Hat, and then today's little episode, I can well foresee that I am fated to sit in the Headmaster's office and hear some hilarious tale about Professor Quirrell in which you and you alone play a starring role, after which there will be no choice but to fire him. I am already resigned to it, Mr. Potter. And if this sad event takes place any earlier than the Ides of May, I will string you up by the gates of Hogwarts with your own intestines and pour fire beetles into your nose. Now do you understand me completely? - Author: Eliezer Yudkowsky
Hilarious quotes by Eliezer Yudkowsky
#71. No, you don't get to touch yourself in my car."

"Why not?" It wasn't a whine, it wasn't. My voice was too deep to whine. It was more of a… whoan. Or something. I couldn't think.

"Three reasons. One, I don't want to get into an accident trying to keep my eyes on you. Two, if I got into an accident, or if we were pulled over for indecent exposure, the mood killing would be the least of our problems. Three," and here it was, the tone I loved, that I could barely wait for even though I knew I wasn't going to like what he had to say, "for the rest of the night, that's mine. Don't touch it. - Author: Cari Z.
Hilarious quotes by Cari Z.
#72. Are we letting her drink beer again?"
"Hell yes we are, and it's hilarious. - Author: Bryan Lee O'Malley
Hilarious quotes by Bryan Lee O'Malley
#73. There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you're determined to dislike for no good reason. - Author: Gregory David Roberts
Hilarious quotes by Gregory David Roberts
#74. The Marx Brothers isn't subtle, and that's hilarious. - Author: Martin Freeman
Hilarious quotes by Martin Freeman
#75. I realized that no one needed to make fun of liberalism. It was hilarious on its own. - Author: Greg Gutfeld
Hilarious quotes by Greg Gutfeld
#76. Your brother is hilarious! And possibly gayEntangled by Cat Clarke - Author: Cat Clarke
Hilarious quotes by Cat Clarke
#77. I don't know what to do about him, Sammy." (Jackie)

"It's not what you do about him. It's what you do with him. Grab him by those big, manly arms that I'm assuming he has, and show him what New York has to offer. - Author: Ali Novak
Hilarious quotes by Ali Novak
#78. Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle. - Author: Laurie Halse Anderson
Hilarious quotes by Laurie Halse Anderson
#79. As things STAND now, I trust London more than I trust you.

Okay, so it fell a little short of a ringing endorsement, Emmett thought as he followed Lydia into the offices of the Transverse Wave Youth Shelter. She could have been a touch more eloquent and maybe a shade more dramatic.
I would trust London with my life, my fortune, and my sacred honor, would have done nicely. Or maybe, I would trust London to the ends of the universe.
But he would take what he could get. - Author: Jayne Castle
Hilarious quotes by Jayne Castle
#80. Well, except she didn't tell me about the stealth RainWing bodyguards she put on me. That was pretty hilarious. Everyone should suddenly have the air turn into seven bright purple dragons yelling hysterically whenever she gets attacked. - Author: Tui T. Sutherland
Hilarious quotes by Tui T. Sutherland
#81. I fell into writing, I suppose, being one of those awful children who wrote verses. I went to a convent in New York-the Blessed Sacrament ... I was fired from there, finally, for a lot of things, among them my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion. - Author: Dorothy Parker
Hilarious quotes by Dorothy Parker
#82. This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. - Author: Derek Landy
Hilarious quotes by Derek Landy
#83. Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it. - Author: Maurice Chevalier
Hilarious quotes by Maurice Chevalier
#84. Is this chicken or is this fish? - Author: Jessica Simpson
Hilarious quotes by Jessica Simpson
#85. Life is abysmal hilarious if you have the eyes to see. - Author: Stefan Emunds
Hilarious quotes by Stefan Emunds
#86. I have never liked Morrissey, and I still don't. I think it's hilarious, actually, what things I've heard about him, what he's really like, and his public persona is so different. He's such an actor. - Author: Robert Smith
Hilarious quotes by Robert Smith
#87. [The paparazzi] were outside the theatre every single night, but we came up with a cunning ruse. I would wear the same outfit every time - a different T-shirt underneath, but I'd wear the same jacket and zip it up so they couldn't see what I was wearing underneath, and the same hat. So they could take pictures for six months, but it would look like the same day, so they became unpublishable. Which was hilarious, because there's nothing better than seeing paparazzi getting really frustrated. - Author: Daniel Radcliffe
Hilarious quotes by Daniel Radcliffe
#88. If you're not fascinated by Korea yet, you damn well should be. The most innovative country on earth deserves a hilarious and poignant account on the order of Euny Hong's The Birth of Korean Cool. Her phat beats got Gangnam Style and then some. - Author: Gary Shteyngart
Hilarious quotes by Gary Shteyngart
#89. The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery. - Author: Rachel Vincent
Hilarious quotes by Rachel Vincent
#90. I'd love to do a comedy. Umm, I don't know when that will happen - maybe when I'm, like, 80 or something. But yeah, I'd love to. I'm just waiting for the right person to see my hilarious nature and offer me a comedy. - Author: Lena Headey
Hilarious quotes by Lena Headey
#91. Could there be a more hilarious sad sack than Duncan Leland, whose trials and tribulations, so wittily conveyed, had me laughing (and wincing) from the first page? Hart's Maine landscape is rich with eccentric characters, dried fish, and other surprising and original treasures. While Duncan sinks, the reader will float on a cloud nine of classy entertainment. - Author: Mameve Medwed
Hilarious quotes by Mameve Medwed
#92. The greater the injury, the greater the fun. - Author: Leinad Eibam, A Celebration Of Poets, Summer 2015
Hilarious quotes by Leinad Eibam, A Celebration Of Poets, Summer 2015
#93. Barabas placed a stack on the table and held the chair out for me. "For you."
"I'm hungry and I don't have time for this."
Barabas's eyes held no mercy. "Make time, Alpha. You have two hands. You can eat and sign simultaneously."
Curran grinned.
"Enjoying my suffering?" I asked.
"I find it hilarious that you'll run into a gunfight with nothing but your sword, but paperwork makes you panic."
Barabas put a thicker stack in front of him.
"This is yours, m'lord."
Curran swore. - Author: Ilona Andrews
Hilarious quotes by Ilona Andrews
#94. I hate when writers make Draco sweet. Sorry, but Draco's a bitch. Own it. I mean, yeah, he's a ball of mush underneath, but you have to earn it with him. - Author: Becky Albertalli
Hilarious quotes by Becky Albertalli
#95. When a man begins to be hilarious in a sorrowful way you can bet a million that he is dyeing his hair. - Author: O. Henry
Hilarious quotes by O. Henry
#96. The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a man's voice called, "Uh, hello?"
Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.
"Hello," Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm.
"Hi," said the man. "The door's locked."
"Is it?"
"That's funny" said Skulduggery. "Hold on a moment." He reached out, jiggled the handle a few times, then stepped back. "Yes, it's locked. You wouldn't happen to have the key, would you?"
There was a delay in response from the other side. "I'm sorry," the man called, "Who am I speaking with?"
Skulduggery tilted his head. "Who am I speaking with?"
"This is Oscar Nightfall."
"Are you sure?"
"Are you sure you are who you say you are? This is the Great Chamber, after all. It's a very important place for very important people. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that someone, and I'm not saying that this applies to you in particular, but someone could conceivably lie about who they are in order to gain access to this room. I have to be vigilant, especially now. There's a war on, you know."
Oscar Nightfall sounded puzzled. Who are you?"
"Me? I'm nobody. I'm a cleaner. I'm one of the cleaners. I was cleaning the thrones and the door shut behind me. Now I can't get out. Could you try and find a key?"
"What's your name? Give me you name."
"No. It's mine."
"Tell me your name!"
"My name is Os - Author: Derek Landy
Hilarious quotes by Derek Landy
#97. This was the sort of girl who should be attending college, not ones like that dreadful Minkoff girl, that brutal and slovenly girl who had almost been raped by one of the janitors just outside of his office. Dr. Talc shuddered at the very thought of Miss Minkoff. In class she had Insulted and challenged and vilified him at every turn, egging the Reilly monster to join in the attack. He would never forget those two; no one on the faculty ever would. They were like two Huns sweeping down on Rome. Dr. Talc idly wondered if they had married each other. Each certainly deserved the other. - Author: John Kennedy Toole
Hilarious quotes by John Kennedy Toole
#98. Listen you..you.."he sputtered.
"You what ? You've already used hellion,draft girl and missy' .i can think of several more degradation,but then again im not the one trying so hard to be intimidating."
"How about you,maddending,foolish,moronic little chit ?"
"Much better !" she applauded. - Author: Kate Noble
Hilarious quotes by Kate Noble
#99. I have always thought foreigners with their unusual skin colours, mad languages and ignorant customs absolutely hilarious, and I think it's a shame that in recent years its become unfashionable to poke fun at them. I certainly don't think they themselves ever minded it. - Author: Arthur Mathews
Hilarious quotes by Arthur Mathews
#100. What the - who the - what the fucking fuck? - Author: L.A. Gilbert
Hilarious quotes by L.A. Gilbert
#101. Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.
"Oops," Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.
"Oops?" Connor shouted. "You blew up half the town. - Author: Mark A. Cooper
Hilarious quotes by Mark A. Cooper
#102. I once had someone swerve her tank out of our column and straight into a house. With a very large basement. Because she was too sleep-deprived to think. It's funny now, but it wasn't funny then. – Oh, who am I kidding, it was HILARIOUS, even if it was kind of a disaster. I laughed so hard my aide almost shot me. - Author: Yoon Ha Lee
Hilarious quotes by Yoon Ha Lee
#103. I think it's hilarious when middle-aged white men try to take themselves seriously. It makes me laugh. - Author: Chris Bauer
Hilarious quotes by Chris Bauer
#104. The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow. - Author: Beth Garrod
Hilarious quotes by Beth Garrod
#105. You've never heard of bagpipes?" Cody asked, sounding aghast. "They're as Scottish as kilts and red armpit hair!"
"Um . . . yuck?" I said.
"That's it." Cody said. "Steelheart has to fall so we can get back to educating children properly. This is an offense against the dignity of my motherland."
"Great," Prof said. "I'm glad we now have proper motivation. - Author: Brandon Sanderson
Hilarious quotes by Brandon Sanderson
#106. Where's your car? Miles asks, glancing at him as he slams his door shut and slings his backpack over his shoulder. "And whats up with your hand?"

"I got rid of it," Damen says, gaze fixed on mine. Then glancing at Miles and seeing his expression he adds, "The car, not the hand."

"Did you trade it in?" I ask, but only because Miles is listening. [...]

He shakes his head and walks me to the gate, smiling as he says, "No, I just dropped off on the side of the road, key in the ignition, engine running."

"Excuse me?!" Miles yelps. "You mean to tell me that you left your shiny, black, BMW M6 Coupe - by the side of the road?"

Damen nods.

But thats a hundred-thousand-dollar car!" Miles gasps as his face turns bright red.

"A hundreds and ten." Damen laughs. "Don't forget, it was fully customized and loaded with options."

Miles stares at him, eyes practically bugging out of his head, unable to comprehend how anyone could do such a thing - why anyone would do such a thing. "Um, okay, so let me get this straight - you just woke up and decided - Hey, what the hell? I think I'll just dump my ridiculously expensive luxury car by the side of the road - WHERE JUST ANYONE CAN TAKE IT?"

Damen shrugs. "Pretty much."

"Because in case you haven't noticed," Miles says, practically hyperventilating now. "Some of us are a little car deprived. Some of us were born with parents so cruel and unu - Author: Alyson Noel
Hilarious quotes by Alyson Noel
#107. Please don't drive drunk, okay? Seriously. It's so fucked up. But by all means, walk drunk. That looks hilarious. Everyone loves to watch someone act like they are trying to make it to safety during a hurricane. - Author: Amy Poehler
Hilarious quotes by Amy Poehler
#108. At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious. - Author: Richard Russo
Hilarious quotes by Richard Russo
#109. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. - Author: Henny Youngman
Hilarious quotes by Henny Youngman
#110. If I can surround myself with hilarious people every day, I will always want to go to work. - Author: Rashida Jones
Hilarious quotes by Rashida Jones
#111. Oh, Mummy, it was hilarious," laughed William. "They had a photo of Mrs. Parker Bowles and a horse's head and asked what the difference was. The answer was that there isn't any!"
Diana absolutely exploded with laughter.
We talked about which was the hottest photo to get.
"Charles and Camilla is still the really big one," I said, "followed by you and a new man, and now, of course, William with his first girlfriend."
He groaned. So did Diana.
- Piers Morgan - Author: Larry King
Hilarious quotes by Larry King
#112. A boo is a lot louder than a cheer. - Author: Lance Armstrong
Hilarious quotes by Lance Armstrong
#113. Have they built cities on the moon?" another boy asked hopefully.
"We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it. - Author: Ransom Riggs
Hilarious quotes by Ransom Riggs
#114. I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags. - Author: Arthur Smith
Hilarious quotes by Arthur Smith
#115. Anyway, we have something for you."
"Is it another awkward anecdote about me breast-feeding?"
"Oh my God, you were all about the boob," my dad says. "I can't believe you turned out to be gay."
"Hilarious, Dad. - Author: Becky Albertalli
Hilarious quotes by Becky Albertalli
#116. I've lived almost, like, four completely different lives. (Stripping) was just one section - one little small section, if that - but it was a very interesting and turbulent but kind of wild ride and I'm not ashamed of it all. I think it's hilarious and I learned a lot about human nature. - Author: Channing Tatum
Hilarious quotes by Channing Tatum
#117. My parents played by parents, in the second season [of Suits]. We had a Skype scene and they were my real parents. My parents are cartoons. When they come up and visit, they're hilarious. My mother somehow finds a way to get in the way of everything. - Author: Rick Hoffman
Hilarious quotes by Rick Hoffman
#118. At the Golden Globes, they put all the bigger stars in the front; the movie stars in the front, TV actors in the back. But even as a movie star, you can be outseated by a bigger star in any given year. It's kind of hilarious. You have to take it in stride. - Author: Julianne Moore
Hilarious quotes by Julianne Moore
#119. I was thrilled, heartbroken, hilarious, insane. - Author: Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Hilarious quotes by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
#120. Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.
"There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating."
Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense. - Author: Derek Landy
Hilarious quotes by Derek Landy
#121. When we got married, we knew our honeymoon was going to be public, anyway, so we decided to use it to make a statement. We sat in bed and talked to reporters for seven days. It was hilarious. In effect, we were doing a commercial for peace on the front page of the papers instead of a commercial for war. - Author: John Lennon
Hilarious quotes by John Lennon
#122. Reading Ellen's hilarious new book. Thirsty for tequila. - Author: Ellen DeGeneres
Hilarious quotes by Ellen DeGeneres
#123. He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent. - Author: James Dashner
Hilarious quotes by James Dashner
#124. Surfing is kind of a good metaphor for the rest of life.
The extremely good stuff - chocolate and great sex and weddings and hilarious jokes - fills a minute portion of an adult lifespan.
The rest of life is the paddling: work, paying bills, flossing, getting sick, dying. - Author: Jaimal Yogis
Hilarious quotes by Jaimal Yogis
#125. He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him. - Author: Scottie Pippen
Hilarious quotes by Scottie Pippen
#126. Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - Author: C.S. Lewis
Hilarious quotes by C.S. Lewis
#127. But I think frustration is hilarious. One of my missions is to bring humor into fine art. It's sacred. - Author: Wayne White
Hilarious quotes by Wayne White
#128. Everyone got behind Fox, the name the guys had dubbed the red truck.

"Fox?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Isaac said with a grin. "Our truck is hot, like Megan Fox. - Author: Ali Novak
Hilarious quotes by Ali Novak
#129. I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me. - Author: Jessica Simpson
Hilarious quotes by Jessica Simpson
#130. It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time. - Author: P.G. Wodehouse
Hilarious quotes by P.G. Wodehouse
#131. Anyway, Arianna and I left the castle very late one evening. I knew the knight on guard at the drawbridge so I hit hit him over the head because I didn't want to hurt him.
Garion blinked.
"I knew he'd be honor-bound to try to stop us," Lelldorin explained. "I didn't want to have to kill him, so I hit him over the head."
"I suppose that makes sense," Garion said dubiously.
"Arianna's almost positive he won't die."
"I hit him just a little too hard, I think. - Author: David Eddings
Hilarious quotes by David Eddings
#132. I give her my best smile. Before the alien Armageddon happened, I was known for my smile. Not bragging too much, but I had to be careful never to smile while I drove. It had the capacity to blind oncoming traffic. But it has absolutely no effect on Ringer. She doesn't squint in its overwhelming luminescence. She doesn't even blink. - Author: Rick Yancey
Hilarious quotes by Rick Yancey
#133. All right, all right,' he [Leo] says. 'I know it's hilarious that Mrs. Kelly thinks I clogged up her toilet, but we have more important things to focus on. - Author: Wendy Mass
Hilarious quotes by Wendy Mass
#134. Come on sweetheart, wet your whistle, my little inanimate hussy." ~Steve - Author: Lucian Bane
Hilarious quotes by Lucian Bane
#135. My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud.
"Yes, my little turnip?"
"Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the sort again we shall have words. - Author: Jordan L. Hawk
Hilarious quotes by Jordan L. Hawk
#136. I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function. - Author: Christopher Titus
Hilarious quotes by Christopher Titus
#137. I'm a huge fan of Steve Martin. He's hilarious, but he has this depth to him and this way of dealing with the difficult things in life with a sense of humor that I think has helped me as an actress. - Author: Alexandra Daddario
Hilarious quotes by Alexandra Daddario
#138. I'm almost finished," said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.
"I never doubted you for a moment," said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. "I actually doubted him the whole time. He's really not very good."
Wilhelm turned. "I'm standing right in front of you. I can hear literally every sound you make."
"Wilhelm, please," said Vex, "this is a private conversation. - Author: Derek Landy
Hilarious quotes by Derek Landy
#139. Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it. - Author: Brandon Sanderson
Hilarious quotes by Brandon Sanderson
#140. The band name came about when the original vocalist died when a huge radio fell on his head. He trotted about for a while dancing with the radio on his head, before he died of asphyxiation and blood loss. *Laughs* it was hilarious - Author: Thom Yorke
Hilarious quotes by Thom Yorke
#141. Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever. - Author: Dan Harmon
Hilarious quotes by Dan Harmon
#142. What are you smiling at?"
I whirled, peering into the gloom. The Darkling's voice seemed to float out of the shadows. He walked down to the stream, crouching on the bank to splash water on his face and through his dark hair.
"Well?" he asked, looking up at me.
"Myself," I admitted.
"Are you that funny?"
"I'm hilarious. - Author: Leigh Bardugo
Hilarious quotes by Leigh Bardugo
#143. Wise Child: Why don't you beat me then?
Juniper: I can't be bothered. - Author: Monica Furlong
Hilarious quotes by Monica Furlong
#144. I sprung you because I've got a message for you"
"doesn't your family own a cell phone company?"
"only a little one - Author: Ally Carter
Hilarious quotes by Ally Carter
#145. Brooke Berman's voice is utterly distinct, and her book, detailing her nomadic artist's journey toward both a successful playwriting career and a home of her own, through 20 years of cramped sublets, high-rise palaces, writer's colonies, and boyfriend's vans, is a hilarious, hopeful, and penetrating must-read. - Author: Maria Dahvana Headley
Hilarious quotes by Maria Dahvana Headley
#146. Michael Buble is seriously my favorite entertainer. Have you ever seen the guy in concert? He's hilarious. Women love him. Guys want to meet him. He has everything that I wish I could do onstage. And I'm guessin' he's a good-lookin' guy - although he's not one of 'People' magazine's sexiest men. - Author: Blake Shelton
Hilarious quotes by Blake Shelton
#147. The shapes inched closer. I gaped at them, trying to discern their features. "I think I see dead people," I whispered.
"Yep," Aidan said, smiling. "More vampire jokes. You're just fine, then. Once this is over, you and my brother will be BFFs." He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me against his broad chest. Against my better judgement, I leaned into him, strangely comforted. - Author: Jayde Scott
Hilarious quotes by Jayde Scott
#148. He wrote you a poem?" Evelyn looped her hand around Georgiana's arm and led the way to the chairs lining one side of the room.
"He did." Grateful to see Luxley select one of the debutantes as his next victim, Georgiana accepted a glass of Madeira from one of the footman. After three hours of quadrilles, waltzes, and country dances, her feet ached. "And you know what rhymes with Georgiana, don't you?"
Evelyn wrinkled her brow, her gray eyes twinkling. "No, what?"
"Nothing. He just put 'iana' after every ending word. In iambic trimeter, yet. 'Oh, Georgiana, your beauty is my sunlightiana, your hair is finer than goldiana, your - ' "
Lucinda made a choking sound. - Author: Suzanne Enoch
Hilarious quotes by Suzanne Enoch
#149. You promise?"
"I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now. - Author: Derek Landy
Hilarious quotes by Derek Landy
#150. (Erin) 'What do you think gave you this interest?' Yep. There it was. 'I'm not saying anything bad about it. I just wonder what makes one person want to hit another. Did I not give you enough contact when you were young? Should I have breast-fed?'
(Derek)'I'm pretty sure it started when you left me in the bread aisle when I was two. I started thinking the only way to get people to notice me was to tie them up and whip them. - Author: Lisa Henry
Hilarious quotes by Lisa Henry
#151. Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh. - Author: Amy Poehler
Hilarious quotes by Amy Poehler
#152. Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. - Author: Milton Berle
Hilarious quotes by Milton Berle
#153. It was such a pleasure to work with Eugene Levy. What a treat. That's a guy I grew up watching as a kid. Guys like that, they were hilarious and didn't have to be super vile or X-rated. - Author: Harland Williams
Hilarious quotes by Harland Williams
#154. it gets a little tiresome when you're so high you go to the movies and look up at the marquee and think the starting times are the ticket prices. I mean, I remember standing there going, 'Ten-fifteen? What kind of price is ten dollars and fifteen cents?' It's a hassle."

"Yeah, one time I was putting gas in my car and thought the number of gallons was the price. I even got into an argument with the cashier. It was hilarious. - Author: Tim Tharp
Hilarious quotes by Tim Tharp
#155. I loved 'Pulling.' It was so original and hilarious. I remember being very sad when it finished. I'd love to start a campaign to bring it back, but if I did, the actors would probably say, 'We're fine. We're all really busy, thanks. Please don't!' - Author: Sophie McShera
Hilarious quotes by Sophie McShera
#156. She pushed the car. But I was so distracted that i forgot to push the button on the timer, so we had to do the whole thing again. Which Lindsey found hilarious. "Ok" she said. "Are you ready NOW, or do we have to send you back to Button Pushing one-oh-one?" "Um, what's Button Pushing One-oh-one?" I was wearing a button down shirt that day. Lindsey reached out and poked one of the buttons into my chest. "There, that's how you push a button. Any questions? - Author: Jordan Sonnenblick
Hilarious quotes by Jordan Sonnenblick
#157. After a long day at work, I want someone to come home, turn on my video and think, 'Oh my God, how girls get ready? This is hilarious. I love this; I'm forgetting about all my problems.' - Author: Lilly Singh
Hilarious quotes by Lilly Singh
#158. My grandmother, in her retirement home, actually has a picture of me from 'Star' magazine on their fashion police list. I think that's hilarious, but if Grandma approves, then I feel like I am all good. - Author: Brad Goreski
Hilarious quotes by Brad Goreski
#159. They're Twin-like," Shaunee said.
"Hilarious," Erin agreed.
"Shut up!" Aphrodite and Stevie Rae said together, which made the Twins convulse into laughter. - Author: P.C. Cast
Hilarious quotes by P.C. Cast
#160. One story sums up their magical quality. On June 30th 1968, at the height of Apple optimism, Paul McCartney and Derek Taylor were driving back to London from Saltaire, Yorkshire, where they had been recording the Black Dyke Mills Band on a song of Paul's called 'Thingummybob'. They were in Bedfordshire. Let's pick a village on the map and pay it a visit, said Beatle Paul. He found a village called Harrold, which they found quite hilarious, and turned off the A5. Harrold turned out to be a picture-perfect village, with a picture-perfect pub at its heart. The pub was closed, but when the villagers saw there was a Beatle at the door they opened it up. Soon the whole village was in the pub, listening to Paul McCartney on the pub piano playing the as-yet-unreleased 'Hey Jude'. Every Harrold resident danced and sang along, and the revelry went on until 3 a.m. It was beautiful, perfect, spontaneous and full of love. Harrold. You couldn't make it up. - Author: Bob Stanley
Hilarious quotes by Bob Stanley
#161. My whole family is obsessed by brandy butter. And bread sauce. Then, of course, there will be a lot of wind in the afternoon! We have never disguised the wind side of our lives as a family; we think it's hilarious. - Author: Miranda Hart
Hilarious quotes by Miranda Hart
#162. It's been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that's what he did. - Author: Louis C.K.
Hilarious quotes by Louis C.K.
#163. His father had always said, Son, the most important thing in life is to make a contribution. Who would have thought Kittridge's contribution would be video-blogging from the front lines of the apocalypse? - Author: Justin Cronin
Hilarious quotes by Justin Cronin
#164. It's rare that I've read a script where I'm like, "Oh, my god, it's hilarious!" All you want is a good skeleton and good characters. Then, you can go, "Okay, I can bring a lot to this. I can improvise and I can create something out of this." - Author: Nick Swardson
Hilarious quotes by Nick Swardson
#165. I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious. - Author: Rob Delaney
Hilarious quotes by Rob Delaney
#166. Although my understanding of exactly how much trouble I was in grew more specific over time, as a child I surely understood enough about my condition to know it was something I'd better keep private. By intuition I was certain that the thing I knew to be true was something others would find both impossible and hilarious. My conviction, by the way, had nothing to do with a desire to be feminine, but it had everything to do with being female. Which is an odd believe for a person born male. It certainly had nothing to do with whether I was attracted to girls or boys. This last point was the one that, years later, would most frequently elude people, including the overeducated smarty-pants who constituted much of my inner circle. But being gay or lesbian is about sexual orientation. Being transgedered is about identity. - Author: Jennifer Finney Boylan
Hilarious quotes by Jennifer Finney Boylan
#167. Love is messy. I want that. - Author: Leah Konen
Hilarious quotes by Leah Konen
#168. I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. - Author: Ashleigh Brilliant
Hilarious quotes by Ashleigh Brilliant
#169. My family went on a cruise, and I got a terrible haircut. FYI: Never get your hair cut on a cruise. And I had, like, this blonde curly 'fro, and I walked into the gym the first day back in seventh grade and everyone was staring at me, and for some reason I thought, I know what I need to do! And I just started sprinting from one end of the gym to the other, and I thought it was hilarious. But nobody else at that age really did. It was genuinely weird - Author: Jennifer Lawrence
Hilarious quotes by Jennifer Lawrence
#170. In a theater, it happened that a fire started offstage. The clown came out to tell the audience. They thought it was a joke and applauded. He told them again, and they became still more hilarious. This is the way, I suppose, that the world will be destroyed-amid the universal hilarity of wits and wags who think it is all a joke. - Author: Soren Kierkegaard
Hilarious quotes by Soren Kierkegaard
#171. Give it up, mister! No sex for you!" I yelled at the wall as my girls cackled maniacally.
"Tons of sex for me, sister. None for you!" he yelled all too clearly through the wall. - Author: Alice Clayton
Hilarious quotes by Alice Clayton
#172. The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level. - Author: Chuck LaMar
Hilarious quotes by Chuck LaMar
#173. Goat screaming videos are hilarious. - Author: Miguel
Hilarious quotes by Miguel
#174. Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love. - Author: Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Hilarious quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#175. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. - Author: Carroll Bryant
Hilarious quotes by Carroll Bryant
#176. Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Author: Spike Milligan
Hilarious quotes by Spike Milligan
#177. Taking a deep breath and trying not to reveal my sudden feeling of inadequacy, I was about to come back with a counter offer when a knock on the window startled me and I did what I always do ... I squeaked, which Tristan thought was pretty hilarious. And for whatever reason, that embarrassed me. Nooo, not telling a guy I'd need gum in order to give him a blowjob, or being more than half-naked with a guy and almost having sex for the time, nor sitting on said guy's lap while he has an obvious erection ... no, none of that embarrasses me. Nope, squeaking like a timid mouse in front of him ... that's what turns my face bright red. I'm tellin' ya, I have issues. - Author: Jenn Cooksey
Hilarious quotes by Jenn Cooksey
#178. I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - Author: George Best
Hilarious quotes by George Best
#179. We're authors, too," Donegan said, "and we've been trying to get into the picture-book market. We have this idea for a Where's Wally type thing, except in ours, you'd have to find the one living person hiding in among all the dismembered corpses while the chainsaw-wielding killer hunts him down. You know, for kids."
"We're going to call is Save the Survivor," Gracious said. - Author: Derek Landy
Hilarious quotes by Derek Landy
#180. I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from ... you heterosexuals. - Author: Ellen DeGeneres
Hilarious quotes by Ellen DeGeneres
#181. Just remember: when your nerd talks to someone about "man tar", it has nothing to do with the stickiness on your sheets. - Author: Piper Vaughn Xara X Xanakas
Hilarious quotes by Piper Vaughn Xara X Xanakas
#182. Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. - Author: Mitch Hedberg
Hilarious quotes by Mitch Hedberg
#183. Pamela pulled off her cloak and Alexei gasped.
"You have on breeches!" He stared in disbelief. "Breeches!"
"I've never worn them before, and they are extremely comfortable. I quite like them." She smoothed the fabric over her hip. "Besides, you don't expect me to duel in a dress, do you?"
"I do not expect you to duel at all!"
Pamela ignored him. "That would be most unfair, dueling in a dress, unless, of course, you would be willing to wear a dress as well?"
"Don't be absurd." He snorted in disdain. "I have no intention of ever wearing women's clothing again."
"Again?" She raised a brow.
"It was an unavoidable disguise," he muttered. - Author: Victoria Alexander
Hilarious quotes by Victoria Alexander
#184. If flatness were funny, a dinner plate would be hilarious. - Author: Walter Moers
Hilarious quotes by Walter Moers
#185. It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious. - Author: Adam McKay
Hilarious quotes by Adam McKay
#186. I won't lie to you - it was hilarious. Yes, we were in trouble, yes, this was a disaster, and so one and so forth, but I have to say, seeing those upturned faces, the looks, was bout the best thing that happened to us since we'd come to New York. - Author: James Patterson
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#187. Natasha Lyonne is fantastic on Twitter. She posts hilarious pictures. I don't even know where she finds some of them; it'll be like a random picture of a chinchilla kissing a lion or Bill Murray and Jim Belushi out on a boat or something. - Author: Uzo Aduba
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#188. I don't like days that end without answers. I'll just keep my eyes open and we'll see what happens. I look up. One of the streetlights fades, disappearing as quick as it shone, the light sucked out of it. Life can be so hilarious sometimes I don't have time to laugh. - Author: Stacey Donovan
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#189. The Adderall Diaries is phenomenal. With jittery finesse and a reformed tweaker's eye for detail, Stephen Elliott captures the terrifying, hilarious, heart-strangling reality of a life whose scorched-earth physical and psycho-emotional dimensions no one could have invented - they absolutely had to be lived. By all rights, the author should either be dead or chewing his fingers in a bus station. Instead, he may well have written the memoir of an entire generation. - Author: Jerry Stahl
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#190. Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish? - Author: Julia Sweeney
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#191. There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. - Author: Hugh Leonard
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#192. So ... Now that we got that over with, let's get back to love at first sight, Evan said.
Not infatuation at first sight ... Love. With a capital L, he clarified.
Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know the concept.
Yeah. The real thing. The conviction that if you had this one woman, all other women would become irrelevant. You'd never again be unhappy And you'd give up anything to have her and keep her.
You've experienced that?
Only once. And I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since.
Tell me more.
Sometimes I think that I still chase women just to forget about her. Because I know I can never have her. But I can't seem to forget about her, no matter what girl I'm chasing ... No one can possibly compare ...
Who is she?
Delilah, Evan said wistfully.
Delilah?, asked Heeb, intrigued
Delilah Nakova, Evan replied, with a hint of awe and reverence in his voice. - Author: Zack Love
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#193. Maddox hissed. "You think you're cute?"
"Nah, I think I'm sexy." The smirk spread, but it didn't reach his cool ocher eyes. "And I also think I'm hilarious. - Author: Jennifer L. Armentrout
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#194. You don't know if the actors are going to have chemistry until you actually start filming. They can get along, they can be friends for years, they can be hilarious as people, but you don't know if it'll actually work until the cameras start rolling. - Author: Anne Fletcher
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#195. [Americans] know instinctively that when they see lines of Americans whose travel plans have been screwed up because they can't get a U.S. passport to travel to Mexico or Canada, when they realize 3 of the Fort Dix plotters were not only illegal aliens but were stopped 75 times (!!!) by various police authorities and never once had their status questioned, the very notion that a Washingtonized-immigration bill is going to "solve the problem" of immigration is hilarious nonsense. - Author: Jeffrey Lord
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#196. I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks. - Author: Chris Kattan
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#197. Victoria's got her secrets. Hey, so do I! - Author: Si Robertson
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#198. Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes. - Author: David Wong
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#199. No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose all sense."
Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. "Want to know a secret?"
"It's not the bathtub, baby."
Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it.
"What are you looking for?"
"A pea Your Majesty."
"You heard me."
I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch.
"Getting slow in your old age."
"I thought you liked it slow."
A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop.
He laughed. "Ran out of snappy comebacks?"
"Hush. I'm trying to think of one. - Author: Ilona Andrews
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#200. When you exclude anything that is improbable, whatever is left, is not as hilarious. - Author: Oleg Medvedkov
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