Funny Relationship Quotes

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don't have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me. ~ Lana Del Rey

Relationships dont always make sense. Especially from the outside ~ Sarah Dessen

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. ~ Joan Rivers

The only people who make love all the time are liars. ~ Louis Jordan

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~ Lily Tomlin

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one. ~ Frank Skinner

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox. ~ Charles M. Schulz

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. ~ Jay Leno

They gave each other a smile with a future in it. ~ Ring Lardner

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage. ~ Laura Kightlinger

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. ~ Deepak Chopra

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. ~ George Carlin

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?' ~ Ronnie Shakes

My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma. ~ Jo Brand

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. ~ Chelsea Handler

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife. ~ Bob Phillips

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone. ~ John Gray

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~ Jimmy Durante

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always ~ Rita Rudner

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. ~ Steve Martin

You're 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him? ~ Ann Dunham

The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life. ~ Oscar Wilde

Seek Not Every Quality In One Individual. ~ Confucius

I have a funny relationship with religion. I'm a big believer in ritualistic behavior as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. But I'm not a big fan of rules. And yet, we cannot live in a world without order. ~ Madonna Ciccone

Love, honor, and negotiate. ~ Alan Loy McGinnis

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright. ~ Lucille Ball

Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together. ~ Jacqueline Bisset

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage. ~ Bill Ballance

The appropriate age for marrige is around eighteen and thirty-seven for man ~ Aristotle.

Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing. ~ Helen Rowland

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. ~ Roseanne Barr

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Of course 'we humans' have a funny relationship with the beings with whom we share our planet. We eat them, we care for them, we admire them, we use them. ~ April Gornik

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. ~ Garry Shandling

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage. ~ Will Rogers

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederick Bushnell "Jack" Ryder

I am getting nowhere with you and I can't let you go and I cant get through. ~ Ani DiFranco

Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky. ~ Cathy Ladman

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. ~ Cher

We talk about the quality of product and service. What about the quality of our relationships and the quality of our communications and the quality of our promises to each other? ~ Max De Pree

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend. ~ Edward De Bono

I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. ~ Ayn Rand

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas. ~ Dave Attell

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change. ~ Somaly Mam

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.' ~ Ellen DeGeneres

What you call flaws are really just scars and wounds accumulated over a lifetime. ~ Deepak Chopra

If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices. ~ Mother Teresa

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. ~ Carrie Fisher

Don't come closer to me at any time without make-up. I may slap and make you feel the taste of death. ~ Jeevagan Nagarajan

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love. ~ Bill Cosby

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. ~ Mike Birbiglia

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. ~ Bob Monkhouse

Our greatest joy and our greatest pain comes in our relationships with others. ~ Stephen Covey

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. ~ Albert Einstein

What she really loved was to hang over the edge and watch the bow of the ship slice through the waves. She loved it especially when the waves were high and the ship rose and fell, or when it was snowing and the flakes stung her face. ~ Kristin Cashore

An argument can be made that relationship building is the treatment. ~ Leston Havens

Left my homework at home." I jerked a thumb over my shoulder. "Funny, it being homework
you'd think home would be where it's supposed to be but no, I need it at school, but you can't call it
schoolwork because that's just stuff you do at school but it really is schoolwork you do at home and
then bring it back so you could call it school-home-school work but either way it's not here and I
need to get it from home and get it to school so home is where I need to go now." I took a breath.
"Bye. ~ A&E Kirk

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Interest in religion is not necessarily interest in God. Religion in public life means a set of ideas, an ideology that has certain positions. Religion is then one more ideology among others. Religion is about God. Religion begins with a relationship to God, not a relationship to an idea. It is God who is an actor, not just individuals who have certain beliefs who are actors. God is an actor. ~ Francis George

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. ~ Max Eastman

I would be delighted if the United States could have a positive relationship with Russia, and I would be thrilled if the Russian people, who are so capable, had a normal country that they could chart a different future. ~ Hillary Clinton

When it's over for a woman, it's over. You're not getting an appeal. ~ Jack Nicholson

For example, in order to identify these schemas or clarify faulty relational expectations, therapists working from an object relations, attachment, or cognitive behavioral framework often ask themselves (and their clients) questions like these: 1. What does the client tend to want from me or others? (For example, clients who repeatedly were ignored, dismissed, or even rejected might wish to be responded to emotionally, reached out to when they have a problem, or to be taken seriously when they express a concern.) 2. What does the client usually expect from others? (Different clients might expect others to diminish or compete with them, to take advantage and try to exploit them, or to admire and idealize them as special.) 3. What is the client's experience of self in relationship to others? (For example, they might think of themselves as being unimportant or unwanted, burdensome to others, or responsible for handling everything.) 4. What are the emotional reactions that keep recurring? (In relationships, the client may repeatedly find himself feeling insecure or worried, self-conscious or ashamed, or - for those who have enjoyed better developmental experiences - perhaps confident and appreciated.) 5. As a result of these core beliefs, what are the client's interpersonal strategies for coping with his relational problems? (Common strategies include seeking approval or trying to please others, complying and going along with what others want them to do, emotionally disengaging o ~ Edward Teyber

I listened mesmerized, visualizing the goddess with her divine mate, wondering if it was possible for humans to replicate this perfect relationship. Would I be blessed with such a love in my life? ~ Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

In order to benefit; however, you must believe that life is plotting for you. We often resist this emerging impulse or this urge to emerge because we are afraid of change, right? To the ego, change is equivalent to danger or death. But when we deny this evolutionary call, it causes an inner pressure that must find an outlet, sometimes in destructive ways. And this can break out as disease, financial collapse, or relationship meltdown. ~ Derek Rydall

Darwin has interested us in the history of nature's technology. ~ Karl Marx

A shrink and a patient in a love-hate relationship. Who is REALLY the boss? ~ Mary Papas

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor. ~ Dave Barry

One day instead the old woman said kind words to her and gave her an awning on a stick to keep rain off (there has been much rain in purgatorium) ~ Ali Smith

The relationship between the government of the United States and social and indigenous movements has always been difficult. Not just in Bolivia but worldwide. We need to have bilateral relations characterized by mutual respect. ~ Evo Morales

My relationship with Christian Slater is like him and Marisa Tomei in 'Untamed Heart.' 'True Romance' was right when I was beginning to become a fan boy of movies. People forget that he's worked with some of the biggest directors in Hollywood. He's worked with Francis Ford Coppola, Quentin Tarantino, John Woo. ~ Bret Harrison

Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.
"Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
"Thank you!"
He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.
"Is he - a bit mad?" he asked Percy uncertainly.
"Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry? ~ J.K. Rowling

If I go away What would still remain of me? The ghost within your eyes? The whisper in your sighs? You see ... Believe And I'm always there. ~ Jon Oliva

A question that always haunts me. Why can't people just be real? It's easier being real than pretend being real. Give yourself a chance. ~ Manasa Rao

If you lower your standards to be in a relationship, you are only lowering yourself, your heart, and your consciousness. Be true to yourself. Even if it means a life time of solitude. At least you know you lived a life of truth within yourself... ~ Kenneth G. Ortiz

If he or she doesn't see or respect your present value nor your future dream the moment you connected there is little or no chance that he or she will do in future. ~ Bernard Kelvin Clive

I think a lot of times on TV we see caricatures - that's what's funny. ~ Mayim Bialik

To an extent, our relationship with the movies is always subjective. Our capacity to be involved says as much about each of us; I've never fathomed why anyone would want to spend four hours in the company of the exceedingly tiresome Scarlett O'Hara. ~ Steve Erickson

[An example of misattribution:]

If you don't know the source of a quote,
you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.

- Mark Twain ~ Jakub Marian

Commitment in relationship, has today resurrected into an experienced Goliath, in a land where David is already dead and buried. Show me anyone who may be willing to face the new experienced Goliath? ~ Francis Otieno

Nonetheless, love is a funny thing. More specifically, second loves are a funny thing. For no matter how special that second or third or even fourth love is, no matter how much you can't live without him, the first one always creeps in. ~ Lindsay Detwiler

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. ~ Milton Berle

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers. ~ Steve Martin

Heya, Arlene. What's shakin'?" Cotton greeted.
"Don't shift some of this weight, everything," Arlene replied. ~ Kristen Ashley

What's funny is that the idea of popularity - even the use of the word 'popular' - is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern. ~ Susan Orlean

It's sad, something coming to an end. It cracks you open, in a way - cracks you open to feeling. ~ Jennifer Aniston

Its funny how human beings tend to think that they're the masters of the earth never realizing that the earth, for a time, simply tolerates its tenants and then, when the mood strikes, it shifts its continents around. ~ Frederick Lenz

This person called up and said, You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend. And I said, Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday. ~ Rick Fields