Funny Parent Quotes

Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Dada first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. ~ Bill Cosby

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet. ~ Bill Cosby

Raising children is like making biscuits: it is as easy to raise a big batch as one, while you have your hands in the dough. ~ E.W. Howe

My mom used to say it doesn't matter how many kids you have ... because one kid'll take up 100% of your time so more kids can't possibly take up more than 100% of your time. ~ Karen Brown

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. ~ Woody Allen

Although there are many trial marriages ... there is no such thing as a trial child. ~ Gail Sheehy

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. ~ Ben Berger

It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his child to be. ~ Homer

Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it. ~ Robert Breault

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. ~ Woody Allen

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~ Edward VIII

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst. ~ George Bernard Shaw

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. ~ Akash Lal Karotia

The Golden Rule of Parenting is; do unto your children as you wish your parents had done unto you! ~ Louise Hart

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my lungs by pure shock. What was up with me and breathing in water? I needed to grow some gills or something. ~ Laura Kreitzer

SUMMARY In this chapter we have focused on three ways to analyze and solve communication problems - through component, transactional, and life-space analysis. Component analysis uses a "snapshot" approach to study the speaker, the message, and the listener. Transactional analysis takes a "motion picture" review of the way communication partners respond to each other (as an Adult, Parent, or Child). Life-space analysis takes a "panoramic" view of the environment or total situation which affects the way a person ~ Paul W. Swets

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. ~ Mark Twain

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" ~ Billy Connolly

Hip Hop has introduced us to a lot of genres that we probably wouldn't even listen to in our own homes from our parents. ~ B.J. The Chicago Kid

Why can't you place a blessing like that on us," I asked.
"It only works on wild animals,"
"So it would only affect Percy," Annabeth reasoned. ~ Rick Riordan

A brick is ... ... ... Well it's a bloody brick what more do you want from me? ~ Nicole McKay

Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone. ~ Baltasar Gracian

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes. ~ Oscar Wilde

There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964. ~ Roger Daltrey

Abuse of gift-giving can occur when a child is living with a custodial parent following a separation or divorce. The noncustodial parent is often tempted to shower a child with gifts, perhaps from the pain of separation or feelings of guilt over leaving the family. When these gifts are overly expensive, ill-chosen, and used as a comparison with what the custodial parent can provide, they are really a form of bribery, an attempt to buy the child's love. They may also be a subconscious way of getting back at the custodial parent. Children receiving such ill-advised gifts may eventually see them for what they are, but in the meantime they are learning that at least one parent regards gifts as a substitute for genuine love. This can make children materialistic and manipulative, as they learn to manage people's feelings and behavior by the improper use of gifts. This kind of substitution can have tragic consequences for the children's character and integrity. ~ Gary Chapman

Being in trouble can have a funny effect on the mind. I don't know if I can explain this. You go through some days and you seem to be hearing people and you seem to be talking to them and you seem to be doing your work, or, at least, your work gets done; but you haven't seen or heard a soul and if someone asked you what you have done that day you'd have to think awhile before you could answer. But at the same time, and even on the self-same day
and this is what is hard to explain
you see people like you never saw them before. ~ James Baldwin

I got into guitar because no parent will buy their eight-year-old kid drums unless they're divorced and trying to get back at their wife. You know what I mean? ~ Josh Homme

Michael is a funny character, for whom I have a great deal of affection. He sat across his desk and seemed to be a bit of a blunt fellow. We began talking about the characters and he opened up about his vision. ~ Madeleine Stowe

I don't think that there's necessarily a side to drama that has to be completely bleak. You have to have a flicker of humor 'cause everyone has a flicker of humor, something they find funny in life. ~ Amy Seimetz

In the cool dark basement, she whispers, "It's not Ralph, is it?"
Cabel's quiet for a moment, as if he's thinking, "You mean like Forever Ralph? Uh, no."
"You've read Forever?" Janie is incredulous.
"There wasn't much else to chose from on the hospital library cart, and Deenie was always checked out," Cable says sarcastically.
"Did you like it?"
Cabel laughs softly, "Um ... well, it wasn't the wisest thing to read for a fourteen-year-old guy with fresh skin grafts in the general area down there, if you know what I mean. ~ Lisa McMann

I would love to have a complete family. I'd love to do it all at once. I'd love to be able to give to my children what my parents were able to give to me. And if I'm blessed to be able to do that, fantastic. If I'm not, then life goes on. You have to do the best you can. I do think we have to bring the family back; I do. ~ Michael Ealy

You can't do things unexpected in life if you're not willing to take a risk, and it's easier to risk your own life than it is for your parent to watch you take risks. It's very, very hard for parents to see children doing things that aren't a solid path. I've been through that. ~ Lisa Edelstein

Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends."
"You're a twisted little man."
"Come on, Stretch, share with the class."
"No!" I laughed.
"Prude."
"Perv."
"Schoolmarm."
"Some other word that essentially means perv. ~ Molly Harper

Put me down. This isn't funny." My feet make little ineffectual spirals. This isn't the first time a big kid's thrown his weight around with me. Marcus DuShay in third grade once slung me onto the hood of the principal's car and ran off laughing. The plight of the little humans. There is no dignity for us in this oversize world.

"Visit me up here for a sec."

"What on earth for?" I try to slide down but he spans his hands on my waist and presses me against the wall. I squeeze his shoulders until I come to the informed conclusion that his body is extravagant muscle under these Clark Kent shirts.

"Holy shit." His collarbone is like a crowbar under my palms. I say the only idiotic thing I can think of. "Muscles. Bones."

"Thanks. ~ Sally Thorne

First of all, women inherently, I think, are quite capable of having lots of balls in the air. And so, like, it's all those skills you use; you analyze the problem, figure out your tools, and then go at it piece by piece ... It's like what you have to do in the morning to get your kids out the door [if you're a parent]. The skills are, I believe, the same. The patience issues are the same. ~ Sylvia Mathews Burwell

Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs. ~ Bauvard

I need to get ready. Ash? Touch the food and I won't take you for a driving lesson tomorrow. Dad? Touch it and I'll make you take him for a driving lesson tomorrow.
Dad backed away from the counter. Ash scowled. I laughed and continued upstairs. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Hey, don't knock it. It still runs. Most of the time, even after I turn it off. Jo ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Wise parents know that fighting a teenager, like fighting a riptide, is inviting doom. ~ Haim Ginott

The only time some people work like a horse is when the boss rides them. ~ Gabriel Heatter

Why is it parents think they help their kids by pretending things are better than they are? ~ A. E. Hotchner

From the time you are a tiny baby, a parent's love is usually unconditional. Whatever you do, your parents think you are the tops, but when their memory goes, you stop recouping the love you've put in. ~ Kevin Whately

It takes time
loose, unstructured dreamtime
to experience nature in a meaningful way. Unless parents are vigilant, such time becomes a scarce resource, not because we intend it to shrink, but because time is consumed by multiple, invisible forces; because our culture currently places so little value on natural play. ~ Richard Louv

How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets! ~ Cathy East Dubowski

Go to the cops then!" I shout. "But mind if I ask what you plan on telling them? Because saying two dead teenagers came to you in the middle of the night and told you something or someone is going to kill you is only going to get you locked in a cozy, padded cell."
"Well, it has to be better than spending another second with you."
"Make sure they put that on your headstone, will you? Right below 'Here lies Benedict Bartholomew Ford. He had no friends and a really stupid name'. ~ Rebecca Harris

Care to explain?" Ari asked.
"Didn't you see my signals?"
"Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion."
"It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion."
"That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal.
"That's what I did."
"No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky."
"I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions."
-Janco and Ari bickering ~ Maria V. Snyder

I don't believe in magic. ~ J.K. Rowling

Who says you only get one? If you're lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three ... and so on.
Nesta ~ Cathy Hopkins

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent and brought here in leg-irons (funny shoes, yes, but not leg-irons) and Hitler didn't blame them for Germany's loss in WWI. Therefore, you can make any kind of fun of them you want. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

I want to be a little more dramatic nowadays. I definitely want something big and funny, but I look for things that can just have people see me in a different light and let me mature as both an entertainer and an actor and a comedian. ~ Cedric The Entertainer

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed. ~ Mitch Hedberg