Chris Rock Quotes

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.

I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

There are a lot of good comics, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics - there are black comics that work only black crowds, gay comics that do only gay crowds, and southern comics that only work down South, and so on with Asian, Latino, Indian, midgets, etc. The previous generation's comics were better because they had to make everybody laugh.

I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Black comics, they only watch Black comedians. You're a comedian; you're not just a Black comedian. You're a comedian. I try to get that through to everybody.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus ... and I can plate and set the table.

I try to stay with it and I try to stay in contact with comedians and just keep comedians in my life 'cause comedians are their own species. If you get away from them, especially as a comedian, I think it's dangerous.

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative.

I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.

When a musical act performs, the black audience goes crazy for all the stuff, the album cuts, everything. White audiences, they're nice and all, but they're not going to lose it until they get the hits. Comedy is the same thing.

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

An entertainer's reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you'll never be broke for the rest of your life.

I learned pretty quickly that it's your WORK ETHIC that LEVELS THE PLAYING FIELD. Education helps, but I've met failures who have Ph.D.s. I believe the hardest worker is always going to win.

I am just here to support the President of the United States. President of the United States is our boss, but he is also ... you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen, and when you don't it will usually bite you on the ass later on. So, I'm here to support the President.

Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.

There's some downsides to being famous, which are not even worth mentioning. But to combat the bad sides of being famous, you really should take advantage of the good sides. The good sides are, you can use that fame to get projects you might not normally get.

There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.

Women need food, water, and compliments
That's right.
And an occasional pair of shoes.

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

School shootings were invented by blacks ... and stolen by the white man.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting ... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass ... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person.

Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?

Men lie the most,

women tell the biggest lies.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

A black Christian is like a black person with no memory.

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.

I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s ... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.

I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?"

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

I'm in show business ... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

You don't pay taxes-they take taxes.

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I got love from my family. I don't really need love from a paper, you know what I mean? I can't get too happy because somebody said something nice about me. I appreciate it, but let's not get it twisted - this is not changing my life.

Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me ... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.

I live way below my means.

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

Unlike flying or astral projection, walking through walls is an earthbound pursuit ...

Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.

I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house.

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

I can't even put gas in my plane!

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Only black people in the whole neighborhood, so let's break it down: Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a f*****g dentist.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

Money is the best lotion in the world.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

I never watched the Oscars. Come on, it's a fashion show ... What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don't recognize comedy, and you don't see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it?

We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy.

When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television.

The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.

I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.