Humorous Quotes

Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people. ~ Brian Tracy

Do you like him? Ty asked. "Not that I care." "I do," I said, because it was true. Even though it didn't matter anymore. "Not that I care you don't care. Though you clearly do care, and I don't care about that either." "Well, I don't care that you don't care that I don't care. In fact i'm glad. Because, um, if I were seeming someone that I liked, I'd want you to be happy for me.""Are you seeing someone?" I asked, pretty sure he wasn't. "Not that I care. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.) ~ Christopher Hitchens

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'. ~ Etienne

For God's sake put on your glasses, Sam. You're staring right at my boobs. ~ Jillian Eaton

Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt) ~ Darynda Jones

The President's very shrewd ~ Sam Donaldson

I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical. ~ M. Leighton

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls ... ~ Hiroko Sakai

Conjugation of the irregular verb "to design":
I create,
You interfere,
He gets in the way.
We cooperate,
You obstruct,
They conspire. ~ David K. Brown

Nice try, mister, but being cute won't save you. ~ C.J. Milbrandt

He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time. ~ Katherine Rundell

Some people react to suffering by denying the very possibility of God's existence ~ Michael Ots

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. ~ Winston S. Churchill

Sir Roderick Glossop, Honoria's father, is always called a nerve specialist, because it sounds better, but everybody knows that he's a sort of janitor to the looney-bin. I mean to say, when your uncle the Duke begins to feel the strain a bit and you find him in the blue drawing room sticking straws in his hair, old Glossop is the first person you send for. ... Practically every posh family in the country has called him in at one time or another, and I suppose that, being in that position - I mean, constantly having to sit on people's heads while their nearest and dearest phone to the asylum to send round the waggon - does tend to make a chappie take what you call a warped view of humanity. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Hocus Pocus let's try to focus ~ Ellen Potter

Life is full of things that can kill me, you vampire m*****f****r, and you sure as shit can just get in line!
Dr. Adin Tredeger ~ Z.A. Maxfield

If there is not laughter in intimacy, it becomes heavy, burdensome, and dull. At my best moments, the love dialogue I try to carry on with You each day is comic-what could be more comic than a human addressing the Ground of Being as an intimate? It's a kind of blasphemy that I dare because you have called for it, and that is pretty humorous, too. ~ Andrew Greeley

Adventures of Lailah Gifty Akita, the wonder woman! ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly. ~ Billy Collins

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother. Artemis
Set and Bathymaas laughed.
Apollo, not so much. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. ~ George Burns

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. ~ Jill Shalvis

Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card ... ~ Jill Shalvis

People are lot like peanuts...
It's not what's on the outside that matters, and that damn shell just gets shucked into the trash anyhow. ~ Alan VanMeter

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today. ~ George Mikes

She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither. ~ Kristin Cashore

There were, however, a few exceptions.
One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through. ~ Derek Landy

Darcy rolled the quill between his fingers and looked with benign pity upon his cousin. "You should, you know. It's a wonderful feeling to be the head of your home, with a wife who adores you and whom you adore in return."

Fitzwilliam whipped out his pocket watch. "Oh, look at that. I have to run."
Ignoring him, Darcy turned his face to the fire, a besotted look in his eyes and a smile on his lips. "It's a good feeling to care for your family and their well-being. It makes you finally grow up, I can tell you." He sighed deeply and began attacking his figures once more, his mind filled with unlimited love and joy, thinking on his upcoming paternal responsibilities. "I myself find women to be unbelievably wonderful creations."

"I suppose you will continue with this treacle even as I beg you to stop."

"Well, think about it…" Darcy continued, looking up from his work.

Fitzwilliam groaned.

"They give back to you double and triple whatever little you hand them."

"I think I'm going to be ill, Darcy. Please stop."

"You hand them disparate items of food, and they give you back a wonderful meal. You provide them with four walls and a floor, and they give you back a loving home. You give them your seed," Darcy's eyes misted, his voice choked with emotion. "You give them your seed, and they give you back the most precious thing of all - a child…" They sat in silence together.

"And God help you if ~ Karen V. Wasylowski

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

It's a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean ~ F.D. Lee

Jesus made this diagnosis a long time ago when talking about temptation. "The spirit" - notice the language again - "is willing, but the flesh [the body] is weak." This is very true and largely ignored and forgotten in our day. Habits eat willpower for breakfast. So there is the will, there is the mind, and there is the body. They are working badly, sometimes in ways that are kind of humorous to us, but often in ways that are horrible and unspeakably tragic. ~ John Ortberg

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. ~ Bob Hope

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. ~ Terry Pratchett

Sometimes, I think the best kind of poem is one in which there is an acute balance between what is humorous and that which is very serious. That balance is very hard to strike. But it can be done. ~ N. Scott Momaday

The reason I might forget something is because my mind is like a computer. I have so much useless stuff stored up in there, that when I forget to clean out my Mind's Cache, it has no room for new information. Like wearing pants! ~ James Hauenstein

I'm not frightened by the advent of intelligent machines. It's the sarcastic ones that worry me. ~ Quentin R. Bufogle

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general? ~ W.C. Fields

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong. ~ Kinky Friedman

I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them ~ William J. Clinton

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

We are the directors of our own life, creating our own version of truth, which can be humorous, pleasurable, miserable, brutal, or stupid. Reconciling loss and misfortune can provide a sense of sublimity or catharsis. ~ Kilroy J. Oldster

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"
He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."
I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."
He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world. ~ Saad Salman

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief. ~ John Fante

BELIEVE so DEEPLY that you no longer question that it is possible ~ Lugene Hessler Hammond

Who me?
anita blake series
by: Laurell K Hamilton ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold. ~ Bob Hope

Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms. ~ Brian Randleas Harmony

I'm really interested in the link between creativity and humor because humor is a type of creativity, and I do think that humorous people and humorous health helps creativity. ~ Robert Mankoff

But at home he was our humorous, kind, and wise Dad. He loved reading, and he loved including the whole family in his discoveries. He ~ Ji-li Jiang

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. ~ Dave Barry

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote. ~ Philip Dormer Stanhope

You can't be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the relationship between actor and audience to work. ~ Brendan Coyle

Pray, what's the nature of his trouble?" Prudence asked solicitously.
"Oh, cursed bad news, my boy. That old aunt of his from whom he has expectations has rallied, and they say she'll last another ten years. Poor old Devereux, y'know! Must try and raise his spirits. ~ Georgette Heyer

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out. ~ Diane Castle

You are not going to loot a candy shop in the middle of a war! ~ Rick Riordan

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action. ~ Mae West

My mother was the making of me. ~ Thomas A. Edison

There are no facts, only interpretations. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts. ~ Mary Hughes

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally. ~ Bill Bryson

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me. ~ Tamora Pierce

Why does everything have to be so hard? [Eragon] wondered.
Because, said Saphira, everyone wants to eat, but no one wants to be eaten. ~ Christopher Paolini

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious. ~ Clive James

If the pen is mightier than the sword, then what is the laptop? A light saber or a life saver? ~ K.S. Collier

If anything in nature was as beautiful as it was deadly, it was she. ~ Randy C. Dockens

Many a time, you may not even have to speak, however difficult the situation; your goatee speaks for you. ~ Pawan Mishra

And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost. ~ Bob Hope

A sexual athlete is not likely to find sufficient energy for work of another athletic kind, and the acting of great parts most definitely was and always will be athletic, depending on inner if not on visible energy. Members of other professions that depend on the expenditure of physical energy must, I believe, find similar difficulties when attempting to double up on their energies. One has often heard that the most magnificent specimens of boxers, wrestlers and champions in almost every branch of athletic sport prove to be disappointing upon the removal of that revered jockstrap. ~ Laurence Olivier

Just because someone's a pain in the ass in life, doesn't mean when they're dead, we shouldn't be respectful. ~ M. Judeth Nelson

Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat ~ Neil Leckman

The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, indeed, that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough. -Chapter 3 ~ Charles Dickens

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt) ~ Darynda Jones

Hand-to-hand combat with three hundred pounds of screaming monkey menace is not my idea of a fair fight. My idea of a fair fight is one unarmed, toothless, nearsighted old monkey versus me with a Blackhawk attack helicopter. ~ Dean Koontz

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. ~ Rich Hall

Without craziness, there is no courage. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. ~ Carl Jung

He was a windblown blossom of some two hundred pounds with freckled teeth and the mellow voice of a circus barker. He was tough, fast and he ate red meat. Nobody could push him around. He was the kind of cop who spits on his blackjack every night instead of saying his prayers. But he had humorous eyes. ~ Raymond Chandler

That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!"
"Cut it out! You do not to play the I'm-so-dark-and twisty-I deserve-to-be-punished card. ~ Heather Fleener

The steady state of disks is full. ~ Ken Thompson

A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority. ~ Barry Hughart

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob. ~ Amy Lane

Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying. ~ Mae West

He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face. ~ Shannon Hale

Feb. 9, 1999 Dear Friend, Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American people in 1992 and 1996 ... And to win in 2000, I need you by my side. ~ Al Gore

Yes. Right. You should probably, um..."

She had no idea what he should do.

Kiss her, she thought. Isn't that what people did after they survived thrilling, near-death experiences together? She was sure it wasn't an appropriate suggestion, but this close, it was all she could think about. ~ Marissa Meyer

BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT ! ~ Lauren Weisberger

She would seize every opportunity to dive into the bathroom, in a swirl of white towels, and once in there she was as hard to dislodge as a limpet from a rock. ~ Gerald Durrell

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. ~ George Carlin

After the new information had been sent out and everyone knew what was going on, Onmvar and Herilda went back to working but what happened next surprised them the most unlikely person to walk through their doors did, Jevlei Onmvar looked up "What brings you here?" Jevlei simply shrugged "I want to become a trainer." he announced what!? "Who are you and what have you done with the real Jevlei!" Herilda shouted "I am being serious." but Onmvar and Herilda were not taking this whole thing seriously at all. ~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Walt also had a humorous sign posted outside the mansion, recruiting ghosts who wanted to enjoy 'active retirement' in the "country club atmosphere' of this 'fashionable address'. Interested ghosts were to write to the 'Ghost Relations Dept. Disneyland,' and were told,'Do not apply in person. ~ Leslie Le Mon

Are you okay?" Kelly cried.
"I shot dinner," Nick said.
Kelly snorted. "Look, Hannibal, you can shoot back if they 're shooting at you, but it's still not okay to eat them afterward. ~ Abigail Roux

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way. ~ George Burns

Never praise your cider or your horse ~ Benjamin Franklin

That?" I glanced back to the door where JT had disappeared. "That was Genus Homo, species Whowantstofuckus, subspecies Closeted Headup Hisassia. Let us move on to the cages with the interesting animals."
Jacob "Yasha" Livingston ~ Z.A. Maxfield

Passive Income: It's not just about real estate ~ Chris Guillebeau

Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx

I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom. ~ Harlan Ellison