Humorous Quotes

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Quotes About Humorous

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#1. Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people. - Author: Brian Tracy
Humorous quotes by Brian Tracy
#2. Do you like him? Ty asked. "Not that I care." "I do," I said, because it was true. Even though it didn't matter anymore. "Not that I care you don't care. Though you clearly do care, and I don't care about that either." "Well, I don't care that you don't care that I don't care. In fact i'm glad. Because, um, if I were seeming someone that I liked, I'd want you to be happy for me.""Are you seeing someone?" I asked, pretty sure he wasn't. "Not that I care. - Author: Sarah Rees Brennan
Humorous quotes by Sarah Rees Brennan
#3. As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.) - Author: Christopher Hitchens
Humorous quotes by Christopher Hitchens
#4. If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'. - Author: Etienne
Humorous quotes by Etienne
#5. For God's sake put on your glasses, Sam. You're staring right at my boobs. - Author: Jillian Eaton
Humorous quotes by Jillian Eaton
#6. Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt) - Author: Darynda Jones
Humorous quotes by Darynda Jones
#7. The President's very shrewd - Author: Sam Donaldson
Humorous quotes by Sam Donaldson
#8. I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical. - Author: M. Leighton
Humorous quotes by M. Leighton
#9. I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls ... - Author: Hiroko Sakai
Humorous quotes by Hiroko Sakai
#10. Conjugation of the irregular verb "to design":
I create,
You interfere,
He gets in the way.
We cooperate,
You obstruct,
They conspire. - Author: David K. Brown
Humorous quotes by David K. Brown
#11. Nice try, mister, but being cute won't save you. - Author: C.J. Milbrandt
Humorous quotes by C.J. Milbrandt
#12. He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time. - Author: Katherine Rundell
Humorous quotes by Katherine Rundell
#13. Some people react to suffering by denying the very possibility of God's existence - Author: Michael Ots
Humorous quotes by Michael Ots
#14. If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. - Author: Winston S. Churchill
Humorous quotes by Winston S. Churchill
#15. Sir Roderick Glossop, Honoria's father, is always called a nerve specialist, because it sounds better, but everybody knows that he's a sort of janitor to the looney-bin. I mean to say, when your uncle the Duke begins to feel the strain a bit and you find him in the blue drawing room sticking straws in his hair, old Glossop is the first person you send for. ... Practically every posh family in the country has called him in at one time or another, and I suppose that, being in that position - I mean, constantly having to sit on people's heads while their nearest and dearest phone to the asylum to send round the waggon - does tend to make a chappie take what you call a warped view of humanity. - Author: P.G. Wodehouse
Humorous quotes by P.G. Wodehouse
#16. Hocus Pocus let's try to focus - Author: Ellen Potter
Humorous quotes by Ellen Potter
#17. Life is full of things that can kill me, you vampire m*****f****r, and you sure as shit can just get in line!
Dr. Adin Tredeger - Author: Z.A. Maxfield
Humorous quotes by Z.A. Maxfield
#18. If there is not laughter in intimacy, it becomes heavy, burdensome, and dull. At my best moments, the love dialogue I try to carry on with You each day is comic-what could be more comic than a human addressing the Ground of Being as an intimate? It's a kind of blasphemy that I dare because you have called for it, and that is pretty humorous, too. - Author: Andrew Greeley
Humorous quotes by Andrew Greeley
#19. Adventures of Lailah Gifty Akita, the wonder woman! - Author: Lailah Gifty Akita
Humorous quotes by Lailah Gifty Akita
#20. I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly. - Author: Billy Collins
Humorous quotes by Billy Collins
#21. I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother. Artemis
Set and Bathymaas laughed.
Apollo, not so much. - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Humorous quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#22. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - Author: George Burns
Humorous quotes by George Burns
#23. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. - Author: Jill Shalvis
Humorous quotes by Jill Shalvis
#24. Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card ... - Author: Jill Shalvis
Humorous quotes by Jill Shalvis
#25. People are lot like peanuts...
It's not what's on the outside that matters, and that damn shell just gets shucked into the trash anyhow. - Author: Alan VanMeter
Humorous quotes by Alan VanMeter
#26. The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today. - Author: George Mikes
Humorous quotes by George Mikes
#27. She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither. - Author: Kristin Cashore
Humorous quotes by Kristin Cashore
#28. There were, however, a few exceptions.
One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent. - Author: Arthur C. Clarke
Humorous quotes by Arthur C. Clarke
#29. I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through. - Author: Derek Landy
Humorous quotes by Derek Landy
#30. Darcy rolled the quill between his fingers and looked with benign pity upon his cousin. "You should, you know. It's a wonderful feeling to be the head of your home, with a wife who adores you and whom you adore in return."

Fitzwilliam whipped out his pocket watch. "Oh, look at that. I have to run."
Ignoring him, Darcy turned his face to the fire, a besotted look in his eyes and a smile on his lips. "It's a good feeling to care for your family and their well-being. It makes you finally grow up, I can tell you." He sighed deeply and began attacking his figures once more, his mind filled with unlimited love and joy, thinking on his upcoming paternal responsibilities. "I myself find women to be unbelievably wonderful creations."

"I suppose you will continue with this treacle even as I beg you to stop."

"Well, think about it…" Darcy continued, looking up from his work.

Fitzwilliam groaned.

"They give back to you double and triple whatever little you hand them."

"I think I'm going to be ill, Darcy. Please stop."

"You hand them disparate items of food, and they give you back a wonderful meal. You provide them with four walls and a floor, and they give you back a loving home. You give them your seed," Darcy's eyes misted, his voice choked with emotion. "You give them your seed, and they give you back the most precious thing of all - a child…" They sat in silence together.

"And God help you if - Author: Karen V. Wasylowski
Humorous quotes by Karen V. Wasylowski
#31. I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call. - Author: Fakeer Ishavardas
Humorous quotes by Fakeer Ishavardas
#32. It's a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean - Author: F.D. Lee
Humorous quotes by F.D. Lee
#33. Jesus made this diagnosis a long time ago when talking about temptation. "The spirit" - notice the language again - "is willing, but the flesh [the body] is weak." This is very true and largely ignored and forgotten in our day. Habits eat willpower for breakfast. So there is the will, there is the mind, and there is the body. They are working badly, sometimes in ways that are kind of humorous to us, but often in ways that are horrible and unspeakably tragic. - Author: John Ortberg
Humorous quotes by John Ortberg
#34. We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. - Author: Bob Hope
Humorous quotes by Bob Hope
#35. In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. - Author: Terry Pratchett
Humorous quotes by Terry Pratchett
#36. Sometimes, I think the best kind of poem is one in which there is an acute balance between what is humorous and that which is very serious. That balance is very hard to strike. But it can be done. - Author: N. Scott Momaday
Humorous quotes by N. Scott Momaday
#37. The reason I might forget something is because my mind is like a computer. I have so much useless stuff stored up in there, that when I forget to clean out my Mind's Cache, it has no room for new information. Like wearing pants! - Author: James Hauenstein
Humorous quotes by James Hauenstein
#38. I'm not frightened by the advent of intelligent machines. It's the sarcastic ones that worry me. - Author: Quentin R. Bufogle
Humorous quotes by Quentin R. Bufogle
#39. What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general? - Author: W.C. Fields
Humorous quotes by W.C. Fields
#40. If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong. - Author: Kinky Friedman
Humorous quotes by Kinky Friedman
#41. I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them - Author: William J. Clinton
Humorous quotes by William J. Clinton
#42. Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals. - Author: Napoleon Bonaparte
Humorous quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte
#43. We are the directors of our own life, creating our own version of truth, which can be humorous, pleasurable, miserable, brutal, or stupid. Reconciling loss and misfortune can provide a sense of sublimity or catharsis. - Author: Kilroy J. Oldster
Humorous quotes by Kilroy J. Oldster
#44. I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"
He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."
I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."
He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world. - Author: Saad Salman
Humorous quotes by Saad Salman
#45. So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief. - Author: John Fante
Humorous quotes by John Fante
#46. BELIEVE so DEEPLY that you no longer question that it is possible - Author: Lugene Hessler Hammond
Humorous quotes by Lugene Hessler Hammond
#47. Who me?
anita blake series
by: Laurell K Hamilton - Author: Laurell K. Hamilton
Humorous quotes by Laurell K. Hamilton
#48. America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold. - Author: Bob Hope
Humorous quotes by Bob Hope
#49. Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms. - Author: Brian Randleas Harmony
Humorous quotes by Brian Randleas Harmony
#50. I'm really interested in the link between creativity and humor because humor is a type of creativity, and I do think that humorous people and humorous health helps creativity. - Author: Robert Mankoff
Humorous quotes by Robert Mankoff
#51. But at home he was our humorous, kind, and wise Dad. He loved reading, and he loved including the whole family in his discoveries. He - Author: Ji-li Jiang
Humorous quotes by Ji-li Jiang
#52. Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. - Author: Dave Barry
Humorous quotes by Dave Barry
#53. Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote. - Author: Philip Dormer Stanhope
Humorous quotes by Philip Dormer Stanhope
#54. You can't be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the relationship between actor and audience to work. - Author: Brendan Coyle
Humorous quotes by Brendan Coyle
#55. Pray, what's the nature of his trouble?" Prudence asked solicitously.
"Oh, cursed bad news, my boy. That old aunt of his from whom he has expectations has rallied, and they say she'll last another ten years. Poor old Devereux, y'know! Must try and raise his spirits. - Author: Georgette Heyer
Humorous quotes by Georgette Heyer
#56. I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out. - Author: Diane Castle
Humorous quotes by Diane Castle
#57. You are not going to loot a candy shop in the middle of a war! - Author: Rick Riordan
Humorous quotes by Rick Riordan
#58. I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action. - Author: Mae West
Humorous quotes by Mae West
#59. My mother was the making of me. - Author: Thomas A. Edison
Humorous quotes by Thomas A. Edison
#60. There are no facts, only interpretations. - Author: Friedrich Nietzsche
Humorous quotes by Friedrich Nietzsche
#61. There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts. - Author: Mary Hughes
Humorous quotes by Mary Hughes
#62. They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally. - Author: Bill Bryson
Humorous quotes by Bill Bryson
#63. I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me. - Author: Tamora Pierce
Humorous quotes by Tamora Pierce
#64. Why does everything have to be so hard? [Eragon] wondered.
Because, said Saphira, everyone wants to eat, but no one wants to be eaten. - Author: Christopher Paolini
Humorous quotes by Christopher Paolini
#65. When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious. - Author: Clive James
Humorous quotes by Clive James
#66. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then what is the laptop? A light saber or a life saver? - Author: K.S. Collier
Humorous quotes by K.S. Collier
#67. If anything in nature was as beautiful as it was deadly, it was she. - Author: Randy C. Dockens
Humorous quotes by Randy C. Dockens
#68. Many a time, you may not even have to speak, however difficult the situation; your goatee speaks for you. - Author: Pawan Mishra
Humorous quotes by Pawan Mishra
#69. And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost. - Author: Bob Hope
Humorous quotes by Bob Hope
#70. A sexual athlete is not likely to find sufficient energy for work of another athletic kind, and the acting of great parts most definitely was and always will be athletic, depending on inner if not on visible energy. Members of other professions that depend on the expenditure of physical energy must, I believe, find similar difficulties when attempting to double up on their energies. One has often heard that the most magnificent specimens of boxers, wrestlers and champions in almost every branch of athletic sport prove to be disappointing upon the removal of that revered jockstrap. - Author: Laurence Olivier
Humorous quotes by Laurence Olivier
#71. Just because someone's a pain in the ass in life, doesn't mean when they're dead, we shouldn't be respectful. - Author: M. Judeth Nelson
Humorous quotes by M. Judeth Nelson
#72. Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically. - Author: P. J. O'Rourke
Humorous quotes by P. J. O'Rourke
#73. Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat - Author: Neil Leckman
Humorous quotes by Neil Leckman
#74. The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, indeed, that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough. -Chapter 3 - Author: Charles Dickens
Humorous quotes by Charles Dickens
#75. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt) - Author: Darynda Jones
Humorous quotes by Darynda Jones
#76. Hand-to-hand combat with three hundred pounds of screaming monkey menace is not my idea of a fair fight. My idea of a fair fight is one unarmed, toothless, nearsighted old monkey versus me with a Blackhawk attack helicopter. - Author: Dean Koontz
Humorous quotes by Dean Koontz
#77. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - Author: Rich Hall
Humorous quotes by Rich Hall
#78. Without craziness, there is no courage. - Author: Lailah Gifty Akita
Humorous quotes by Lailah Gifty Akita
#79. Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. - Author: Carl Jung
Humorous quotes by Carl Jung
#80. He was a windblown blossom of some two hundred pounds with freckled teeth and the mellow voice of a circus barker. He was tough, fast and he ate red meat. Nobody could push him around. He was the kind of cop who spits on his blackjack every night instead of saying his prayers. But he had humorous eyes. - Author: Raymond Chandler
Humorous quotes by Raymond Chandler
#81. That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!"
"Cut it out! You do not to play the I'm-so-dark-and twisty-I deserve-to-be-punished card. - Author: Heather Fleener
Humorous quotes by Heather Fleener
#82. The steady state of disks is full. - Author: Ken Thompson
Humorous quotes by Ken Thompson
#83. A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority. - Author: Barry Hughart
Humorous quotes by Barry Hughart
#84. It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob. - Author: Amy Lane
Humorous quotes by Amy Lane
#85. Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying. - Author: Mae West
Humorous quotes by Mae West
#86. He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face. - Author: Shannon Hale
Humorous quotes by Shannon Hale
#87. Feb. 9, 1999 Dear Friend, Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American people in 1992 and 1996 ... And to win in 2000, I need you by my side. - Author: Al Gore
Humorous quotes by Al Gore
#88. Yes. Right. You should probably, um..."

She had no idea what he should do.

Kiss her, she thought. Isn't that what people did after they survived thrilling, near-death experiences together? She was sure it wasn't an appropriate suggestion, but this close, it was all she could think about. - Author: Marissa Meyer
Humorous quotes by Marissa Meyer
#89. BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT ! - Author: Lauren Weisberger
Humorous quotes by Lauren Weisberger
#90. She would seize every opportunity to dive into the bathroom, in a swirl of white towels, and once in there she was as hard to dislodge as a limpet from a rock. - Author: Gerald Durrell
Humorous quotes by Gerald Durrell
#91. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - Author: George Carlin
Humorous quotes by George Carlin
#92. After the new information had been sent out and everyone knew what was going on, Onmvar and Herilda went back to working but what happened next surprised them the most unlikely person to walk through their doors did, Jevlei Onmvar looked up "What brings you here?" Jevlei simply shrugged "I want to become a trainer." he announced what!? "Who are you and what have you done with the real Jevlei!" Herilda shouted "I am being serious." but Onmvar and Herilda were not taking this whole thing seriously at all. - Author: Charon Lloyd-Roberts
Humorous quotes by Charon Lloyd-Roberts
#93. Walt also had a humorous sign posted outside the mansion, recruiting ghosts who wanted to enjoy 'active retirement' in the "country club atmosphere' of this 'fashionable address'. Interested ghosts were to write to the 'Ghost Relations Dept. Disneyland,' and were told,'Do not apply in person. - Author: Leslie Le Mon
Humorous quotes by Leslie Le Mon
#94. Are you okay?" Kelly cried.
"I shot dinner," Nick said.
Kelly snorted. "Look, Hannibal, you can shoot back if they 're shooting at you, but it's still not okay to eat them afterward. - Author: Abigail Roux
Humorous quotes by Abigail Roux
#95. None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way. - Author: George Burns
Humorous quotes by George Burns
#96. Never praise your cider or your horse - Author: Benjamin Franklin
Humorous quotes by Benjamin Franklin
#97. That?" I glanced back to the door where JT had disappeared. "That was Genus Homo, species Whowantstofuckus, subspecies Closeted Headup Hisassia. Let us move on to the cages with the interesting animals."
Jacob "Yasha" Livingston - Author: Z.A. Maxfield
Humorous quotes by Z.A. Maxfield
#98. Passive Income: It's not just about real estate - Author: Chris Guillebeau
Humorous quotes by Chris Guillebeau
#99. Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet! - Author: Groucho Marx
Humorous quotes by Groucho Marx
#100. I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom. - Author: Harlan Ellison
Humorous quotes by Harlan Ellison
#101. Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you. - Author: Louise Rennison
Humorous quotes by Louise Rennison
#102. Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons. - Author: Heather Blanton
Humorous quotes by Heather Blanton
#103. Real life ... Witches: Wiccan practitioners. Werewolves: rare strain of rabies. Zombies: Prions/Plague. Vampires: Hemophilia/Porphyria - Author: Solange Nicole
Humorous quotes by Solange Nicole
#104. But if anyone
so much as threatened them because of what Kaia
had once done, she would turn the Slumber Party
Massacre into Blood, Bath and Beyond, a
documentary by Kaia Skyhawk. - Author: Gena Showalter
Humorous quotes by Gena Showalter
#105. I try to sing many different kinds of songs. If I sing a batch of humorous songs, I'll throw in a deadly serious song. Or if I'm singing too many serious songs, I'll throw in a ridiculous song, to mix it up. - Author: Pete Seeger
Humorous quotes by Pete Seeger
#106. In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they've slid under the table. - Author: Cynthia Heimel
Humorous quotes by Cynthia Heimel
#107. Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. - Author: Leah Broadby
Humorous quotes by Leah Broadby
#108. It seems an easy choice - sacrifice the tree for a human life - until one learns that three trees must be destroyed for each patient treated. Suddenly we must confront some tough questions. How important are the medical needs of future generations? - Author: Al Gore
Humorous quotes by Al Gore
#109. Buy potatoes," he said. "Gotta hop." Then he hung up. Of course. A cloud of fallout would threaten European food and water supplies, including the potato crop, placing a premium on uncontaminated American substitutes. Perhaps a few folks other than potato farmers think of the price of potatoes in America minutes after the explosion of a nuclear reactor in Russian, but I have never met them. - Author: Michael Lewis
Humorous quotes by Michael Lewis
#110. The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God's most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world. - Author: BikeSnobNYC
Humorous quotes by BikeSnobNYC
#111. And you're kind of like a snowflake.'
Oh, Jesus Christ.
He masked his fleeting surprise with a quirked eyebrow. 'Excuse me?'
'Nothing,' I said quickly. 'I didn't say anything.'
'No, no,' he said, rounding on me so his face was too close, his eyes too searing, his smile too irritating. 'I'm a snowflake, am I? - Author: Catherine Doyle
Humorous quotes by Catherine Doyle
#112. He was love blind. His wife walked him through. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
Humorous quotes by Ljupka Cvetanova
#113. If men had to have babies there wouldn't be any sex life left. - Author: Thorne Smith
Humorous quotes by Thorne Smith
#114. Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football. - Author: Matthew D. Heines
Humorous quotes by Matthew D. Heines
#115. Have you hugged your favorite Dork lately? Most of us are squeezably soft and adorable. - Author: Michael P. Clutton
Humorous quotes by Michael P. Clutton
#116. I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword. - Author: Derek Landy
Humorous quotes by Derek Landy
#117. I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face. - Author: W.C. Fields
Humorous quotes by W.C. Fields
#118. Even if you haven't had the exclusivity conversation, they're still going to be mad if they find out you're dating someone they know and you haven't mentioned it. It's a dating rule."
"Well, how am I supposed to know that rule?"
"Everyone knows that rule."
"I thought you were supposed to be on my side."
"I am on your side! - Author: Cassandra Clare
Humorous quotes by Cassandra Clare
#119. For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it. - Author: Karl Lagerfeld
Humorous quotes by Karl Lagerfeld
#120. Stupid deer," I said, embarrassed about being startled. "We need a ladder."
"I think they're easier to shoot with a rifle."
"I'm not talking about the deer," I said, hitting Milo on the back of his shoulder. "We need a ladder to look over the wall."
"Or a catapult," Milo said seriously. - Author: Obert Skye
Humorous quotes by Obert Skye
#121. God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. - Author: Alfred Jarry
Humorous quotes by Alfred Jarry
#122. My favorite quote in the world is this one. - Author: Richelle E. Goodrich
Humorous quotes by Richelle E. Goodrich
#123. You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Humorous quotes by Ambrose Bierce
#124. Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard's seed worth changes everything. - Author: Donna Johnson
Humorous quotes by Donna Johnson
#125. The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push. - Author: Paul Reiser
Humorous quotes by Paul Reiser
#126. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I'd found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he'd probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly. - Author: Ash Gray
Humorous quotes by Ash Gray
#127. I'm not afraid of you!' The wombat yelled. 'I saw you get stuck in the washing machine once. Round and round you went! Who's afraid of something that can't defeat a rinse cycle? - Author: Catherynne M Valente
Humorous quotes by Catherynne M Valente
#128. Here you go, dear."" The corners of Mrs. Colbert's mouth curled up. "You like meat, don't you?"
Emily blinked. Was it her, or did that statement seem ... loaded? She checked Issac for his reaction, but he was innocently selecting a roll from a wicker basket. "Uh, thanks." Emily said, pulling the platter toward her. She did like meat. The kind you, um, eat. - Author: Sara Shepard
Humorous quotes by Sara Shepard
#129. You can't beat me. I have the mind of a warlock with adonis DNA. Winning! - Author: Charlie Sheen
Humorous quotes by Charlie Sheen
#130. This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes? - Author: Stanley Victor Paskavich
Humorous quotes by Stanley Victor Paskavich
#131. I would never have broken up with you," I said earnestly. "I'm more miserable without you than I am with you." As soon as that sentence came out I groaned, because I knew how bad it sounded.
But Declan laughed. "Vintage Simon Murray comment. - Author: Sean Kennedy
Humorous quotes by Sean Kennedy
#132. Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, - Author: Steven Pinker
Humorous quotes by Steven Pinker
#133. I may just be on the outskirts of being okay. - Author: Pawan Mishra
Humorous quotes by Pawan Mishra
#134. The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight. - Author: Erma Bombeck
Humorous quotes by Erma Bombeck
#135. I should think this a gull, but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it; knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence. - Author: William Shakespeare
Humorous quotes by William Shakespeare
#136. Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother. - Author: Dave Barry
Humorous quotes by Dave Barry
#137. I don't care how impossible it seems. - Author: David Byrne
Humorous quotes by David Byrne
#138. $100,000 donors buy access to Congress and the White House. We believe it's long past time to clean up Washington. - Author: William J. Clinton
Humorous quotes by William J. Clinton
#139. In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article - Author: Charles Dickens
Humorous quotes by Charles Dickens
#140. Wow," says Peter, "when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems. - Author: Adam Selzer
Humorous quotes by Adam Selzer
#141. My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate. - Author: Theodore Kaczynski
Humorous quotes by Theodore Kaczynski
#142. Many young athletes joined the gangs instead of aspiring to gold medals in the Olympics. You could easily discern the kind of sport they did by their body shape and injuries.
Well-built with a broken nose - a boxer.
Broad shoulders with torn ears - a wrestler.
Enormous muscles with little to no brain - a bodybuilder.
Short with broad shoulders and a quadratic head - a weightlifter. - Author: Carlito Sofer, Nik Krasno
Humorous quotes by Carlito Sofer, Nik Krasno
#143. Sing of the nature of women, and then the song shall be surely full of variety; old crotchets and most sweet closes. It shall be humorous, grave, fantastic, amorous, melancholy, sprightly, one in all, and all in one. - Author: John Marston
Humorous quotes by John Marston
#144. The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. - Author: Mike Harding
Humorous quotes by Mike Harding
#145. Nothing can enslaved us, if we free in our minds. - Author: Lailah Gifty Akita
Humorous quotes by Lailah Gifty Akita
#146. I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide. - Author: Mark Twain
Humorous quotes by Mark Twain
#147. Believe in something, and let that something be yourself. - Author: Harley Brooks
Humorous quotes by Harley Brooks
#148. So. I, uh..." Beck ran a hand across the back of his neck, watching as Nolan leaned so far back in the office chair, it was dangerously close to tipping over. Or breaking in half. "I fucked up pretty badly."

"Yeah? What did you do? Wash your whites with colors? Have eleven items in the ten or less line at the grocery store? Sleep with a married chick?" Nolan chuckled to himself at that last part, knowing Beck wouldn't stoop to something so low as adultery.

"I slept with Ash's sister." The stunned look on Nolan's face would've been hysterical, if Beck had been talking about anything even remotely humorous. When the man remained mute, staring at him as if he'd grown another head, Beck couldn't help himself. "Only we didn't sleep."

It was a full three seconds before Nolan blinked. "You're gonna die." The somber statement of fact was barely more than a whisper. - Author: Jodi Watters
Humorous quotes by Jodi Watters
#149. Boys are just dogs - Author: Scylar Tyberius
Humorous quotes by Scylar Tyberius
#150. Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting. - Author: Winston S. Churchill
Humorous quotes by Winston S. Churchill
#151. The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks. - Author: J.S. Davey
Humorous quotes by J.S. Davey
#152. Play and be happy. - Author: Lailah Gifty Akita
Humorous quotes by Lailah Gifty Akita
#153. I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive. - Author: River Jaymes
Humorous quotes by River Jaymes
#154. Joe Lon and Willard slipped out of their shirts. Willard flipped over and walked around in the dirt on his hands. Joe Lon took the bottle of whiskey out of his back pocket, set it carefully on the step of the Winnebago, checking out Susan Gender's red pants again as he did. Then he went into a steady handstand and did six dips, his nose just short of the dirt each time he went down. They both came off their hands and looked at Duffy.
"I'm impressed," said Duffy, shortly. "What the hell are you, gymnasts?"
"Drunks," said Joe Lon picking up the bottle. - Author: Harry Crews
Humorous quotes by Harry Crews
#155. He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. - Author: William S. Paley
Humorous quotes by William S. Paley
#156. There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other. - Author: Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Humorous quotes by Francois De La Rochefoucauld
#157. Everyone lies. Or they have amnesia. - Author: Natalie Shell
Humorous quotes by Natalie Shell
#158. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - Author: George Carlin
Humorous quotes by George Carlin
#159. Observation:

Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013 - Author: Lisa Tolliver
Humorous quotes by Lisa Tolliver
#160. Worry:Interest paid on trouble before it falls due. - Author: Dean Ing
Humorous quotes by Dean Ing
#161. Jack coughed slightly and offered his hand. "Hi, uh. I'm Jack."
Kim took it. "Jack what?"
"Huh?"
"Your last name, silly."
"Jackson."
She blinked at him. "Your name is Jack Jackson?"
He blushed. "No, uh, my first name's Rhett, but I hate it, so…"
He gestured to the chair and she sat. Her dress rode up several inches, exposing pleasing long lines of creamy skin. "Well, Jack, what's your field of study?"
"Biological Engineering, Genetics, and Microbiology. Post-doc. I'm working on a research project at the institute."
"Really? Oh, uh, my apple martini's getting a little low."
"I've got that, one second." He scurried to the bar and bought her a fresh one. She sipped and managed to make it look not only seductive but graceful as well.
"What do you want to do after you're done with the project?" Kim continued.
"Depends on what I find."
She sent him a simmering smile. "What are you looking for?"
Immediately, Jack's eyes lit up and his posture straightened. "I started the project with the intention of learning how to increase the reproduction of certain endangered species. I had interest in the idea of cloning, but it proved too difficult based on the research I compiled, so I went into animal genetics and cellular biology. It turns out the animals with the best potential to combine genes were reptiles because their ability to lay eggs was a smoother transition into combining the cells to create a new species, o - Author: Kyoko M.
Humorous quotes by Kyoko M.
#162. I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up. - Author: Dave Barry
Humorous quotes by Dave Barry
#163. Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp. - Author: Charles Dickens
Humorous quotes by Charles Dickens
#164. Just because you consider yourself a genius does not mean you are smart - Author: Mark W Boyer
Humorous quotes by Mark W Boyer
#165. He says he'd like to kiss the ground you walk on-reminds me, did you wash them yesterday?- and after that you're his skivvy. - Author: Bertolt Brecht
Humorous quotes by Bertolt Brecht
#166. You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ. - Author: Woody Allen
Humorous quotes by Woody Allen
#167. What you know
and don't deny that
you don't know
and knowing this
you know
what and why
you don't know.
Right? - Author: Jennifer Hillman
Humorous quotes by Jennifer Hillman
#168. Of course I don't care if you're bleeding! I'm fucking autistic! - Author: Warren Ellis
Humorous quotes by Warren Ellis
#169. Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should have something that's offbeat, quirky, humorous, and where called for it, should have journalism, and judiciously it should also have commentary. That's my ideal. - Author: Bob Costas
Humorous quotes by Bob Costas
#170. I'm now unmistakeably attracted to the yeti. - Author: K.A. Tucker
Humorous quotes by K.A. Tucker
#171. Love yourself' the social horde spouts from on high, mere moments later they frown at a bypassing narcissist. - Author: Kevin Focke
Humorous quotes by Kevin Focke
#172. Age is a state of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. - Author: Satchel Paige
Humorous quotes by Satchel Paige
#173. Now, Jasper, as a great man once said, 'A brave and steadfast heart can overcome any fear.' So don't worry. I'll be back with Benelaius shortly. In the meantime, look about for clues, only don't disturb anything.
[ ... ]
I knew only too well who that great man was whom he spoke of. Camber Fosrick. I had committed the quote to memory as well. So Lindavar, one of the War Wizards of Cormyr, was addicted to trashy literature too. I would have chuckled had I not been so scared. - Author: Chet Williamson
Humorous quotes by Chet Williamson
#174. The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the name of Sloppy. The footman who communicated this intelligence made a decent pause before uttering the name, to express that it was forced on his reluctance by the youth in question, and that if the youth had had the good sense and good taste to inherit some other name it would have spared the feelings of him the bearer. - Author: Charles Dickens
Humorous quotes by Charles Dickens
#175. Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. - Author: Jonathan Kozol
Humorous quotes by Jonathan Kozol
#176. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! - Author: Billy Connolly
Humorous quotes by Billy Connolly
#177. Good morning, Mr. Herbert!" I would say.
The point is debatable," he might respond.
Or, on another day: "Good morning, Mr. Herbert!"
"I will half allow it."
Or: "Good morning, Mr. Herbert!"
"I fail to see your argument."
Or: "Good morning, Mr. Herbert!"
"I find myself unequal to the occasion."
Or, my favorite ever: "Good morning, Mr. Herbert!"
"Oh, you're a satirist now, are you? - Author: Elizabeth Gilbert
Humorous quotes by Elizabeth Gilbert
#178. What did Finnick Odair want?" he asks.
I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. "He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets," I say in my best seductive voice.
Peeta laughs. "Ugh. Not really."
"Really," I say. "I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling. - Author: Suzanne Collins
Humorous quotes by Suzanne Collins
#179. An Irishman walks into a pub," she begins and the bar went silent. "The bartender asks him, 'What'll you have?'" Her Irish accent was spot on. "The man says, 'Give me three pints of Guinness, please.' The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

"The bartender says, 'Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I'll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.' The man replies, 'You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.'

"The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers." January's playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. "But one week, he ordered only two." The crowd oohed and ahhed. "He slowly drank them," she continued darkly, "and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. 'Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.'

"The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. 'Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking. - Author: Fisher Amelie
Humorous quotes by Fisher Amelie
#180. Gilbert would never have dreamed of writing a sonnet to her eyebrows. But then, Gilbert could see a joke. She had once told Roy a funny story - and he had not seen the point of it. She recalled the chummy laugh she and Gilbert had had together over it, and wondered uneasily if life with a man who had no sense of humor might not be somewhat uninteresting in the long run. But who could expect a melancholy, inscrutable hero to see the humorous side of things? It would be flatly unreasonable. - Author: L.M. Montgomery
Humorous quotes by L.M. Montgomery
#181. Belief is a wise wager. Granted that faith cannot be proved, what harm will come to you if you gamble on its truth and it proves false? If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists. - Author: Blaise Pascal
Humorous quotes by Blaise Pascal
#182. You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. - Author: P. J. O'Rourke
Humorous quotes by P. J. O'Rourke
#183. Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb. - Author: Julieanne O'Connor
Humorous quotes by Julieanne O'Connor
#184. He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail. - Author: Lida Sideris
Humorous quotes by Lida Sideris
#185. While I would agree that I write about serious subjects, and that they're not necessarily the most pleasant subjects or even the most pleasant people, as a writer I just think about the humorous aspects of these things - that's what keeps me going when I'm writing a story. - Author: Ann Beattie
Humorous quotes by Ann Beattie
#186. If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it. - Author: George Burns
Humorous quotes by George Burns
#187. She is an incredibly intelligent idiot - Author: Gillian Flynn
Humorous quotes by Gillian Flynn
#188. It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead. - Author: Bob Hope
Humorous quotes by Bob Hope
#189. DISARM ALL RAPISTS
But what will we do
With their legs? - Author: Chocolate Waters
Humorous quotes by Chocolate Waters
#190. It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds ... that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics. - Author: Hilaire Belloc
Humorous quotes by Hilaire Belloc
#191. Frankly, I've worked my whole life to not be adorable with only limited success, and two adorable people dating is waaaay too cute for me. - Author: Hank Green
Humorous quotes by Hank Green
#192. Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. - Author: Josh Billings
Humorous quotes by Josh Billings
#193. I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? - Author: Zsa Zsa Gabor
Humorous quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor
#194. In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV ... never had a garage sale. - Author: Erma Bombeck
Humorous quotes by Erma Bombeck
#195. After you've taken so much trouble to set up recorder, you ask me now? - Author: E.L. James
Humorous quotes by E.L. James
#196. (Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them? - Author: Victor Borge
Humorous quotes by Victor Borge
#197. Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason - Author: George Carlin
Humorous quotes by George Carlin
#198. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. - Author: Chi Chi Rodriguez
Humorous quotes by Chi Chi Rodriguez
#199. There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Author: Peter Drucker
Humorous quotes by Peter Drucker
#200. You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone - Author: John Ciardi
Humorous quotes by John Ciardi

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