Funny Marriage Advice Quotes

You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! ~ Bill Maher

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. ~ Cass Daley

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

We must keep together, we belong to each other. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses.' ~ John Lennon

The Couple's Manifesto:

We will trust each other.
We will respect each other.
We will encourage each other.
We will appreciate each other.
We will complement each other.
We will treasure each other.
We will cherish each other.
We will defend each other.
We will enjoy each other.
We will love each other.

We are of one mind,
though at times we think differently.
We are of one heart,
though at times we feel differently.
We are of one soul,
though at times we love differently. ~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women. ~ Gloria Steinem

Such disappointments, betrayals and reconciliations were the stuff of married life, but she and Jack had gone through them before the wedding. Now, at least, she felt confident that she knew him. Nothing was likely to surprise her. It was a funny way to do things, but it might be better than making your vows first and getting to know your spouse afterward. ~ Ken Follett

When single you are," Roger said, imitating Yoda dispensing advice to Luke, "get laid you can. When married you get, make love you do. ~ Sean Kennedy

WHEN YOU ARE GREATFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE OR RECEIVE, THE UNIVERSE AND YOUR MAN WANT TO GIVE YOU MORE. ~ Linda Alfiori

Marriage is a mutual friendship. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman. ~ Bob Phillips

If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, you no longer have one. ~ Shya Kane

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child. ~ Robert Breault

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued. ~ Helen Rowland

Not necessary that every problem has a solution, you have to live with 'some' problems..rather than forcing a solution and doing a blunder, live with it.. People always have solutions for 'your' problems but none for their own.. ~ Honeya

Be confident in who you are, regardless of what you don't have. The more confident you are, the more open you become to share your fears and challenges with your partner. ~ E'yen A. Gardner

To prove to [her friend, Swedish diplomat Count] Gyllenborg that she was not superficial, Catherine composed an essay about herself, "so that he would see whether I knew myself or not." The next day, she wrote and handed to Gyllenborg an essay titled 'Portrait of a Fifteen-Year-Old Philosopher.' He was impressed and returned it with a dozen pages of comments, mostly favorable. "I read his remarks again and again, many times [Catherine later recalled in her memoirs]. I impressed them on my consciousness and resolved to follow his advice. In addition, there was something else surprising: one day, while conversing with me, he allowed the following sentence to slip out: 'What a pity that you will marry! I wanted to find out what he meant, but he would not tell me. ~ Robert K. Massie

I want you to know that marriage isn't for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love. ~ Seth Adam Smith

The key to a good marriage: laugh together, cry together, strive together: do everything together. ~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure! ~ Oscar Wilde

I tilt my head and ask "What firsts have we
already passed?"
"The easy ones," he says. "First hug, first date, first fight, first time we slept together,
although I wasn't the one sleeping. Now we barely have any left. First kiss. First time to
sleep together when we're both actually awake. First marriage. First kid. We're done
after that. Our lives will become mundane and boring and I'll have to divorce you and
marry a wife who's twenty years younger than me so I can have a lot more firsts and
you'll be stuck raising the kids." He bring his hand to my cheek and smile at me. "So you
see, babe? I'm only doing this for your benefit. The longer I wait to kiss you, the longer
it'll be before I'm forced to leave you high and dry. ~ Colleen Hoover

In marriage never withhold sex because for men sex is the biggest love expression that a woman can give in a committed relationship. ~ Linda Alfiori

But when thou findest sensibility of heart, joined with softness of manners, an accomplished mind, and religion, united with sweetness of temper, modest deportment, and a love of domestic life; such is the woman who will divide the sorrows and double the joys of thy life. Take her to thyself; she is worthy to be thy nearest friend, thy companion, the wife of thy bosom. ~ Noah Webster

The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep ~ A.P. Herbert

People search the world over looking for someone to love them, when they should be searching for someone to love. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

You like the gentleman, then?" said Muna.
"I don't dislike him," said Henrietta unpromisingly.
[...]
"I don't dislike cabbage," Muna found herself saying, "but I should not consider marrying it. Not disliking seems a poor foundation for future happiness. ~ Zen Cho

It is not love to ignore your spouse's sin, or brokenness, or immaturity. ~ John Eldredge

This isn't a spotless life. There is much ahead, my immaculate little peach. And there is no way to say it other than to say it: marriage is indeed this horribly complex thing for which you appear to be ill prepared and about which you seem to be utterly naive. That's okay. A lot of people are. You can learn along the way. A good way to start would be to let fall your notions about "perfect couples." It's really such an impossible thing to either perceive honestly in others or live up to when others believe it about us. It does nothing but box some people in and shut other people out, and it ultimately makes just about everyone feel like shit. A perfect couple is a wholly private thing. No one but the two people in the perfect relationship know for certain whether they're in one. Its only defining quality is that it's composed of two people who feel perfectly right about sharing their lives with each other, even during the hard times. ~ Cheryl Strayed

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are. ~ Oliver Markus

Missy cried during our first week of marriage because I was so sick, and I couldn't blame her because my illness wrecked our honeymoon. But after we went home to West Monroe, I woke up on the twenty-eight day of our marriage, and she was crying again! I realized then that I had a few things to learn about marriage. You're living in a different environment, you're away from your parents for the first time in your life, and you're sharing a bed and home with someone new. It's a different life than what you had when you were single, when you could get up and leave if things got tough. More than anything else, women are generally more emotional than men. When I give newlyweds in our church advice, I tell them, "Look, when you wake up on day thirty of your marriage and she's crying for no reason, don't panic. It's normal. It's going to happen. Most women are going to cry from time to time. It's the way God made them. ~ Jase Robertson

Satan wants you to believe that you don't have a choice in the matter. You can't be happy until things go the way that you want them to. Once you have the perfect marriage, your finances under control, a better job, or a nicer home - then you'll be happy. LIES, LIES, LIES. You will never be happy until you make the decision to do so. ~ Lindsey Rietzsch

I thought there was no use for me in reading Sun Tzu and Machiavelli because I am neither a warrior nor a politician, but it turned out to be useful when I married ~ Bangambiki Habyarimana

If he can't handle you at your worst then he does not deserve you at your best. Real love means seeing beyond the words spoken out of pain, and instead seeing a person's soul. ~ Shannon L. Alder

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.' ~ Adam Ferrara

Share in your activities and interests. If you are going to kill zombies anyway, why not do it together? ~ Jesse Petersen

RBG often repeated her mother's advice that getting angry was a waste of your own time. Even more often, she shared her mother-in-law's counsel for marriage: that sometimes it helped to be a little deaf. ~ Irin Carmon

In its highest form, not judging is the ultimate act of forgiveness. ~ John Kuypers

Marry someone whose nonsense you can tolerate. ~ Nana Awere Damoah

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

I hope you smile, laugh, and maybe even learn something that will help you along the way to happily-ever-after. ~ T.N. Carpenter

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ~ Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. ~ Henny Youngman

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. ~ Alan King

For [erotically intelligent couples], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning. They know that they have years in which to deepen their connection, to experiment, to regress, and even to fail. They see their relationship as something alive and ongoing, not a fait accompli. It's a story that they are writing together, one with many chapters, and neither partner knows how it will end. There's always a place they haven't gone yet, always something about the other still to be discovered. ~ Esther Perel

We talk. Darlene worries aloud that her husband works with a lot of attractive young women; she herself is fourty. I tell her it´s not about age. "Little thing called character," I say, thinking, Accepting marital advice from me: the height of lunacy. ~ Suzanne Finnamore

Love your soul mate with all your heart and body. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Admit when you're wrong. It doesn't fix a busted leg, of course, but it's a nice gesture none-the-less. ~ Jesse Petersen

Here's my advice to you: don't marry until you can tell yourself that you've done all you could, and until you've stopped loving the women you've chosen, until you see her clearly, otherwise you'll be cruelly and irremediably mistaken. Marry when you're old and good for nothing ... Otherwise all that's good and lofty in you will be lost. ~ Leo Tolstoy

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Pray daily for your family. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita