Funny Sex Quotes

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. ~ Gore Vidal

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Older women are best, because they always think they may be doing it for the last time. ~ Ian Fleming

Cooking without wine is like sex alone. You may get the job done, but you don't really care once it's over. ~ Andrew Grey

I think Secretary's funny, it is about sex, and there's a lot of sex in it, sex is the key, but you're talking about a lot of other complicated things. ~ Maggie Gyllenhaal

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming! ~ Chelsea Handler

A woman's magazine quiz:
Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, "Was it good for you?"
You:
a. Say, "God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life"
b. Say, "Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man."
c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, "That's for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished ~ Christopher Moore

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. ~ Woody Allen

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. ~ Saint Augustine

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike. ~ Jimmy Carr

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards. ~ Milos Forman

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like ... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person." ~ Louis C.K.

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends. ~ Adam Ferrara

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ~ Tracey Ullman

Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping. ~ Lisa Lampanelli

A student undergoing a word association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: "Because everything does." ~ Honor Tracy

You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health ... since I live at seventy-nine! ~ Kensington Gore

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. ~ Woody Allen

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime. ~ George Bernard Shaw

- Do you ever work? Or do you just walk office to office, soliciting blowjobs?
- I work occasionally. It's just that the BJs are much more exciting. ~ G.A. Hauser

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. ~ Chelsea Handler

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money. ~ Stephen Schneider

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? ~ Richard Fleischer

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. ~ Steve Martin

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way. ~ Eddie Izzard

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex - ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant. ~ Margaret Cho

Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... ~ Roberto Hogue

Sex is the biggest nothing of all time. ~ Andy Warhol

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. ~ Steve Martin

Familiarity breeds contempt and children. ~ Mark Twain

A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV. ~ Conan O'Brien

Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Nikki Sex

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. ~ Tallulah Bankhead

Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. ~ Thomas Szasz

Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. ~ Lord Chesterfield

I'm not a sexual person, really. I don't really care about sex. ~ Paris Hilton

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. ~ Woody Allen

Your booty call embargo will remain intact. ~ Cristin Harber

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine. ~ Natasha Leggero

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~ George Bernard Shaw

Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands. ~ Jayne Mansfield

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. ~ Woody Allen

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles. ~ George Mikes

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude? ~ Robin Williams

It's funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I'm not that. I don't want to be that. ~ Kellan Lutz

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." ~ Rita Rudner

Ah bet she's a dirty wee minx in the scratcher. Y'see that "butter wouldnae melt" expression she's goat goin on? That's jist a smokescreen – ah guarantee she goes like a train.' Jimmy belched, considerately turning his head away to exhale. ~ Jamie Holoran

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman. ~ Woody Allen

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. ~ Barbara Seaman

You know what I used to dream about, in stir?" His voice was hoarse, the words low and fast and faintly guttural. "I used to dream about you. You were the only clean and good and decent thing left in my life, and I would dream about you. I used to dream about taking your clothes off piece by piece, and what you would look like naked, and how it would feel to fuck you really good. I used to dream about that in high school, too. In fact, I got off almost every night for the last fourteen years, dreaming about you." Rachel's lips parted with shock. Speechless, she stared at him wide-eyed for what seemed an eternity while her heart suddenly hammered and her throat went dry.
"I'm fucking tired of dreaming, ~ Karen Robards

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf. ~ Karl Pilkington

I've done so many sex scenes in my life and it's much easier to do a funny sex scene than a sex scene that is supposed to look like it feels. ~ Stellan Skarsgard

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. ~ Kristen Schaal

And you couldn't say 'vagina' without giggling. If you can't say it, you dont get to go near it ~ Shaun David Hutchinson

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.' ~ Robin Williams

I was on my bus, and on my bus I have a yoga swing. Jennifes comes on, and she goes, ' Hi, Woody, I'm J
is that a sex swing?' Her first sentence to me. ~ Woody Harrelson

They call me Domino for obvious reasons. One nudge in the right direction and I'm flat on my stomach. ~ Charlie Cochrane

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'. ~ Frankie Boyle

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? ~ Stephen Colbert

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.' ~ Adam Ferrara

There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain. ~ Audrey Hepburn

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning. ~ Marc Maron

If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us? ~ Tina Fey

With a low sound, he moved against her so that her backside was flush with his hips and she could feel every inch of him through his boxers.

There were a lot of inches. ~ Nenia Campbell

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. ~ Gloria Leonard

There are two things you never turn down: sex and appearing on television. ~ Gore Vidal

I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie. ~ William Friedkin

That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger - not to be interfered with by speech or action which would distract the sensations from the fresh enjoyment of repose. ~ George Eliot

It was very important business. Negotiations for a cease-fire between warring parties."
David rolled his eyes. "You could just say makeup sex. ~ Dianne Sylvan

Dr. Murray made it clear to me before I left that a woman who enhoys the Act is as loose as a harlot. God gives pleasure in it only to husbands. Women are the source of evil and temptation, therefore women are to blame when men fall into fleshly error. It was Eve who seduced Adam, Eve who entered into league with the serpent, who was the Devil in disguise. So the only pleasure women are allowed is in their children. ~ Colleen McCullough

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, "You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now! ~ Leah Broadby

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you. ~ Terry Pratchett

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

For retirement brings repose, and repose allows a kindly judgment of all things. ~ John Sharp Williams

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. ~ George Carlin

In almost every professional field, in business and in the arts and sciences, women are still treated as second-class citizens. It would be a great service to tell girls who plan to work in society to expect this subtle, uncomfortable discrimination
tell them not to be quiet, and hope it will go away, but fight it. A girl should not expect special privileges because of her sex, but neither should she "adjust" to prejudice and discrimination ~ Betty Friedan

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. ~ Lee Trevino

That's the funny thing about running. The deceptive thing about it. It may seem mindless, but its really mental. If the minds strong, the body acts weak, even if its not. ~ Wendelin Van Draanen

What's in that pipe that he's smoking? ~ Arlo Guthrie

Donald Trump's words are are not funny, his words are poisonous. ~ Tulip Siddiq

Jon Glass had vaulted over the fence and was now approaching a horse chosen by some sort of weird horse-knowledge method, or possibly because it was shiny. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

A mask is a mirror. The masquerade is the only time I am me and it doesn't matter how many men I have sex with or how many girls I touch, I want more. ~ Chloe Thurlow

You live on love crumbs. A nibble drops, you gobble up the morsel. The crumb sustains you until he gives you another. Don't you believe you deserve the whole loaf ? " - A Dress the Color of the Sky ~ Jennifer Irwin

I'm not going to die because I failed as someone else. I'm going to succeed as myself. ~ Margaret Cho

Every unpleasant worldly experience in life exposes our sensitive nervous systems to painful phenomena. Despite all the beer commercial advertisement slogans urging us to live with gusto, life is unavoidably painful. Life is a battering ram that inflicts trauma upon human beings. People blunt the traumatic force of enduring a lifetime of pain, fearfulness, and unremitted anguish and boredom with religion, sex, booze, drugs, fantasy, and other indulgent acts and forms acts of escapism. ~ Kilroy J. Oldster

You can be funny and kind or funny and cruel. The second one is easier, but the first one is worth it. ~ Justin McElroy

I'm a little let down," Laurel said. "I expect a sexy breakfast story to have sex, not just your very pretty boobs." "I'm not done. Part two begins when I'm back home working, and carelessly answer the phone. My mother. ~ Nora Roberts

I didn't do anything," Scott protested. "Breaking and entering is nothing?" Detective Basso echoed. "Funny, the law disagrees. ~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior. ~ Stephenie Meyer

The feminine body is expected to be flesh, but discreetly so; ~ Simone De Beauvoir

There was nothing normal about the divine twin sproutings that formed Rachel Melville's magically springy chest. Almost involuntarily Ronnie found himself nodding like an obedient puppy. ~ Jamie Holoran

Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny, because then you'll be disappointed. ~ Celia Johnson

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me." ~ Mitch Hedberg