Money Funny Quotes

the King gave orders that the page's salary was to be doubled. As he received no salary at all this was not of much use to him, but it was considered a great honor, and was duly published in the Court Gazette. ~ Oscar Wilde

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. ~ Denis Leary

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win." ~ Mitch Hedberg

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.' ~ Daniel Tosh

You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal. ~ Johnny Depp

It's funny: I put money into short films, and I put really good actors in it, and I write some stuff that's really funny, and I'll get, like, a million views. But to the right of me, there will be a video of a kitten that falls into a toilet bowl, and it's three seconds long, and it will get 25 million views. ~ Ben Schwartz

I'm doing what I love, and then I get months and months of rest. I have a lot of money for a 21-year old. I can't stand it when actors complain. ~ Jennifer Lawrence

I can make a case that I regret nothing. After all, most of my mistakes turned out to be things I survived, or turned into funny stories, or, on occasion, even made money from. ~ Nora Ephron

Mr. Kadam, something's been bothering me."
He teased, "Only one thing?"
I laughed. "For now. I've been wondering, did you ever really ask Mr. Davis to come with you to take care of Ren? I mean, what would you have done if he'd said yes and I'd said no?"
"I did ask him, just to keep up appearances, but I also suggested subtly to Mr. Maurizio that it might be in his best interest to persuade Mr. Davis not to go. In fact, I offered him more money if he would insist Mr. Davis stay with the circus. As far as what to do if you had turned us down, I suppose we would have had to make you a better offer and keep trying until we found one you couldn't refuse."
"What if I still said no? Would you have kidnapped me?"
Mr. Kadam laughed. "No. If our offer had still been turned down, my next step would have been to tell you the truth and hope you believed me."
"Whew, that's a relief."
"Then I would have kidnapped you." He chuckled at his joke and turned his attention back to our dinner.
"That's not very funny, Mr. Kadam."
"I couldn't resist. Sorry, Miss Kelsey. ~ Colleen Houck

It's funny… when you're young you spend your life trying to convince yourself you're not like your parents. And then, every now and then, you'll do something a certain way, some mannerism, or you'll say something. When our car broke down upstate, I remember I hit the wheel and said, 'I'm not made of money!' And I caught myself and thought, Gee, Louie, you just sounded like Pop. When you're young and it happens, it drives you crazy. And then you live long enough, and it makes you smile a little."

He wipes a tear from his eyelashes with the back of his hand.

"That's a nice part of life," he says. ~ Kenny Porpora

Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

If you want him to mourn, you had best leave him nothing. ~ Martial

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. ~ Rita Rudner

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? ~ Jay Leno

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. ~ Robert Orben

The funny thing in France is that writers are not allowed to retire, because the French government say you are still earning money from books you wrote 20 years ago. ~ Peter Mayle

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? ~ Alan King

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

This is my friend Veronica," I told him. "And this is Kaidan."
"Oh, I've heard all about you." Veronica gave him a big smile.
His brow elevated, but he didn't take the bait. Instead, he stared at me funny. "Nice wart." Leaning forward without touching me, he flicked the wart from the tip of my nose.
Veronica let out a loud cackle, proving she should be the one in my costume.
"I told you it was stupid!" She gloated.
With my pointer finger, I moved the paint around my nose to fill in the blank spot. When I finished, he was still watching me.
"Your hair's grown a lot," I said to him.
"So has your bottom."
My eyes rounded and blood rushed to my face. Veronica hooted with hilarity, bending at the waist. Even Jay let out a loud snicker, the traitor.
I wished Kaidan weren't so perceptive, but it was true. The feminine curves that had always eluded me were finally making an appearance. Stupid tight dress.
"Dude, you can get away with anything," said the pirate to the straight-faced ape.
"I meant it as a compliment."
"That was awesome." Veronica grabbed Jay by the hand. "Come on. Let's go find me a drink."
She winked at me as they ambled away. I gave my attention to the dry, trampled grass and scattered cans for a moment before working up the nerve to say something.
"My dad gave me a cell phone." And a car. And a ton of money.
Kaidan set the ape head on the ground and pulled his phone from a fuzzy pocket, blowi ~ Wendy Higgins

There's a tavern by the docks. He's there most evenings."
"Then I'll talk to him tonight," Halt said.
"You can try. But he's a hard case, Halt. I'm not sure you'll get anything out of him. He's not interested in money. I tried that."
"Well, perhaps he'll do it out of the goodness of his heart. I'm sure he'll open up to me," Halt said easily. But Horace noticed a gleam in his eye. He was right: the prospect of having something to do had reawakened Halt's spirits. He had a score to settle, and Horace found himself thinking that it didn't bode well for this Black O'Malley character.
Will eyes Halt doubtfully, however. "You think so."
Halt smiled at him. "People love talking to me," he said. "I'm an excellent conversationalist and I have a sparkling personality. Ask Horace. I've been bending his ear all the way from Dun Kilty, haven't I?"
Horace nodded confirmation. "Talking nonstop all the way, he's been," he said. "Be glad to see him turn all that chatter onto someone else. ~ John Flanagan

Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?"
"Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?"
That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats."
Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh.
"I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre."
I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat.
"I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said.
A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed. ~ Sarah J. Maas

Money in property is dead money. It doesn't help the country. It's funny how the U.K., Ireland and Spain are the most property-obsessed nations in Europe and yet are also the ones suffering the most. ~ Peter Hargreaves

It's your money. You paid for it. ~ George W. Bush

A rich man's joke is always funny. ~ Thomas Edward Brown

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate. ~ George Carlin

Unfortunately, sometimes the fans forget who puts the money and passion into the club. It's funny, but when you win, it's the coach and the players who are responsible, but when you lose, it's the owner's fault; but that's football. ~ Andrea Della Valle

Tex, you look like a serial killer in this picture!" I shouted.
"Yeah, so?" Tex answered.
I stared.
"You think people wouldn't pay good money to have a serial killer make them coffee?" he boomed. ~ Kristen Ashley

Some had been smart and some had been funny, and others still had given him big eyes while being both. And he loved women. He loved the filthy temptresses and the newly, earnestly horny and the women who fucked for money. Rachel wasn't special because they were less ... She was special because they were all fucking amazing, and she still felt like more. ~ Kit Rocha

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money. ~ Everett Dirksen

Some guys said 'Here's bop!' Wham! They said, 'Here's something we can make money on!' Wham! 'Here's a comedian!' Wham! Here's a guy who talks funny talk!' ~ Charlie Parker

She's strong! And scary ... I bet she's single ... I'd put money on it.. ~ Masashi Kishimoto

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag ~ Jay Leno

Getting money from my dad is a finesse job. Luckily, I have finesse coming out of my arse. I barged into his study without knocking, marched across to his desk, and held out my hand. "Give me twenty pounds," I snapped. "I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now! ~ Sarra Manning

It is funny about money. And it is funny about identity. You are you because your little dog knows you, but when your public knows you and does not want to pay for you and when your public knows you and does want to pay for you, you are not the same you. ~ Gertrude Stein

No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well. ~ Margaret Thatcher

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money. ~ Stephen Schneider

The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice. ~ Arthur Helps

I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes. ~ Michael Faraday

Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money. ~ Satchel Paige

I knelt and started to pray and prayed for everybody I thought of, Brett and Mike and Bill and Robert Cohn and myself, and all the bullfighters, separately for the ones I liked, and lumping all the rest, then I prayed for myself again, and while i was praying for myself I found I was getting sleepy, so I prayed that the bull-fights would be good, and that it would be a fine fiesta, and that we would get some fishing. I wondered if there was anything else I might pray for, and I thought I would like to have some money, so I prayed that I would make a lot of money, and then I started to think how I would make it and thinking of making money reminded me of the count, and I started wondering about where he was, and regretting I hadn't seen him since that night in Montmartre, and about something funny Brett told me about him, and as all the time I was kneeling with my forehead on the wood in front of me, and was thinking of myself praying, I was a little ashamed, and regretted that I was such a rotten Catholic, but realized there was nothing I could do about it, at least for a while, and maybe never, but that anyway it was a grand religion, and I only wished I felt religious and maybe I would the next time; and then I was out in the hot sun on the steps of the cathedral, and the forefingers and the thumb of my right hand were still damp, and I felt them dry in the sun. ~ Ernest Hemingway

I think it's really important for celebrities to use their power of money and fame to get their voices out there. It's funny to me that we're expected to keep quiet just because of who we are. Why do I lose my right to speak my mind because I'm famous? ~ Lisa Edelstein

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both. ~ Samuel Butler

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. ~ Hobart Brown

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. ~ Johnny Carson

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose? ~ Don Marquis

Roarke didn't quite make it to Eve's office. He found her down the corridor, in front of one of the vending machines. She and the machine appeared to be in the middle of a vicious argument.

"I put the proper credits in, you blood-sucking, money-grubbing son of a bitch." Eve punctuated this by slamming her fist where the machine's heart would be, if it had one.

ANY ATTEMPT TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.

The machine spoke in a prissy, singsong voice Roarke was certain was sending his wife's blood pressure through the roof.

THIS UNIT IS EQUIPPED WITH SCANEYE, AND HAS RECORDED YOUR BADGE NUMBER. DALLAS, LIEUTENANT EVE. PLEASE INSERT PROPER CREDIT, IN COIN OR CREDIT CODE, FOR YOUR SELECTION. AND REFRAIN FROM ATTEMPTING TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT.

"Okay, I'll stop attempting to vandalize, deface, or damage you, you electronic street thief. I'll just do it."

She swung back her right foot, which Roarke had cause to know could deliver a paralyzing kick from a standing position. But before she could follow through he stepped up and nudged her off balance.

"Please, allow me, Lieutenant."

"Don't put any more credits in that thieving bastard," she began, then hissed when Roarke did just that.

"Candy bar, I assume. Did you have any lunch?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know it's just going to keep stealing if people like you pander to it."< ~ J.D. Robb

You know it's funny, when it rains it pours they got money for wars, but can't feed the poor. ~ Tupac Shakur

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. ~ Shane Kuhn

What do you do with all your money?"
"Me and the French hoard gold. ~ Dashiell Hammett

Wait a minute," he says, holding up one of his large handa. "A green bomb?"
"I'm not making this up."
"Why green, though?"
"Because green is the color of money, grass, oak leaves, and alien bombs. How the hell would I know why it was green? ~ Rick Yancey

The story of money is very funny. Others burn what we earn. Why not give as we live, so the world will cry when we die. -RVM ~ R.v.m.

Tom Jones is funny to me, man. I mean, he really tries to ape Ray Charles and Sammy Davis, you know. He's nice-looking; he looks good doing it. I mean, if I was him, I'd do the same thing. If I was only thinking about making money. ~ Miles Davis

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

You know, it's funny ... when you're making money, people don't think you're playing jazz. Now when you're not making money, people think that you're a good jazz musician. ~ Pete Fountain

Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh. ~ Art Buchwald

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. ~ Bill Vaughan

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street ~ Jay Leno

The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money now to aford food, but they still have each other. And forget what Maslow's "heirarchey of needs" say: some time's freindship is more important than nutrient's. ~ Seinfeld 2000

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money. ~ Wendy Liebman

Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows them up. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered. ~ Victor J. Stenger

For my first gig, I got $75. I could make money being funny, so I pursued it as a career and have turned it into a lucrative business. ~ Tracy Morgan

Peter is still amazed at the degree to which a certain widening gyre of accolades can change an artist's work, literally change it, not just the new stuff but the old as well, the pieces that have been around for a while, that have seemed "interesting" or "promising" but minor, until (not often, just once in a while) an artist is by some obscure consensus declared to have been neglected, misrepresented, ahead of his time. What's astonishing to Peter is the way the work itself seems to change, more or less in the way of a reasonably pretty girl who is suddenly treated as a beauty. Peculiar, clever Victoria Hwang is going to be in Artforum next month, and probably in the collections of the Whitney and the Guggenheim; Renee Zellweger - moonfaced, squinty-eyed, a character actress if ever there was one - was just on the cover of Vogue, looking ravishing in a silver gown. It is, of course, a trick of perception - the understanding that that funny little artist or that quirky-looking girl must be taken with new seriousness - but Peter suspects there's a deeper change at work. Being the focus of that much attention (and, yes, of that much money) seems to differently excite the molecules of the art or the actress or the politician. It's not just a phenomenon of altered expectations, it's a genuine transubstantiation, brought about by altered expectations. Renée Zellweger becomes a beauty, and would look like a beauty to someone who had never heard of her. Victoria Hwang's videos and ~ Michael Cunningham

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is 'good-bye sucker. ~ Jill Shalvis

Why did they all have to tread so very delicately around Celeste's money? It was like wealth was an embarrassing medical condition. It was the same with Celeste's beauty. Strangers gave Celeste the same furtive looks they gave to people with missing limbs, and if Madeline ever mentioned Celeste's looks, Celeste responded with something like shame. "Shhh," she'd say, looking around fearfully in case someone overheard. Everyone wanted to be rich and beautiful, but the truly rich and beautiful had to pretend they were just the same as everyone else. Oh, it was a funny old world. ~ Liane Moriarty

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money. ~ Will Rogers

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~ Spike Milligan

Oh, and I need to known where Jersey is and if I have enough money to buy it. ~ Anna Banks

I wonder if Jack and Diane ever made it
After the drums and the guitars all faded
Was the best they could do good enough
Or did the heartland just swallow 'em up

How did my mom and my dad ever do it
If there were troubles then we never knew it
I guess they had each other and that was enough

You know you can't keep the ground from shaking, no matter how hard you try,
You can't keep the sunsets from fading, you gotta treat you love like
You're jumping off a rope swing maybe 'cause the whole thing is really just a shot in the dark
You gotta love like there's no such thing as a broken heart
You gotta love like there's no such thing as a broken heart

What am I gonna tell my kids when they see
All of this bull that goes down on TV
When the whole world is down on its luck
I gotta make sure they keep that chin up

Cry when it hurts, laugh when it's funny
Chase after the dream, don't chase after the money
And know we got each other, that's what's up

'Cause you can't keep the ground from shaking, no matter how hard you try
You can't keep the sunsets from fading, you gotta treat you love like
You're jumping off a rope swing maybe cause the whole thing is really just a shot in the dark
You gotta love like there's no such thing as a broken heart
You gotta love like there's no such thing as a broken heart

You gotta love like there's no s ~ Old Dominion

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Study hard; and you might grow up to be President. But let's face it: Even then, you'll never make as much money as your dog. ~ George H. W. Bush

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter ... " ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You have a job?" I'm paying the girl a fortune and she has another job?
"I did. I was a waitress at Sharkey's." She crosses her arms again.
Forcibly, I move my eyes to the coffee table. "Never heard of it."
"It's a chain. They serve steak."
I roll my eyes. "Sounds like you loved it."
"I made good money there."
"Did Alphabet love it?"
She scowls. "No, why? ~ Erin Watt

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they'll at least have something to keep them warm after they've lost all their money when the company goes under. ~ Amy Summers

I'm tired of love; I'm still more tired of rhyme; but money gives me pleasure all the time. ~ Hilaire Belloc

Yes, the fans are going to get their money's worth. It's like ... and everything on there is funny. It's not like random crap they put in a movie. I think it's all very funny, so. ~ Nicholas Stoller

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go. ~ Josh Billings

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. ~ Bob Hope

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones. ~ Dave Barry

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~ Herman Wouk

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. ~ David Letterman

Poverty is a funny phenomenon. It is always defined financially and always relative to what other people earn. It is possible to be extremely happy despite having little money and being officially categorised as poverty-stricken. You can also be really unhappy despite earning a high salary. Those who always want something more will always live in poverty, regardless of how much they earn, while those who are content with what they have will always feel they have an abundance. Most poverty in the UK isn't material poverty, it's spiritual poverty, a state of mind in which fulfilment comes only from the pursuit of material gain. ~ Mark Boyle

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. ~ George W. Bush

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

What's this?" Dan said, pointing to a funny squiggly formation.
Uh, an M," said Nellie. "Or if you look at it the other way, a W. Or sideways, kind of S-ish..."
Maybe it's palm trees," Dan said. "Like in the movie It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. You know? No? These guys need to find hidden money, and the only clue they have is it's under a big W? And no one sees what it means-but then, near the end of the movie, there's this grove of four palm trees rising up in the shape of... you-know-what! Classic!"
Amy, Alistair, Natalie, Ian and Nellie all looked at him blankly.
There is no W in the Korean language," Alistair replied. "Or palm trees in Korea. I might be maple trees..."
Mrrp," said Saladin, rubbing his face against Dan's knee.
I'll tell you the rest of the plot later," Dan whispered to the Mau. ~ Peter Lerangis

It's money. I remember it from when I was single ~ Billy Crystal

I've tried really hard to care about things that were very different from my parents. I was curious if I could care about [money] on some fundamental level, and I couldn't. That wasn't the metric of success I wanted in my life. I've talked about this to my friends who are doctors and whose parents are doctors, or who are lawyers and their parents are lawyers. It's a funny thing to realize I feel called to this work both as a daughter and also as someone who believes I have contributions to make. ~ Chelsea Clinton

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country. ~ Clint Eastwood

Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don't just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn't behave like animals is a fucking great idea. ~ Nick Offerman

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. ~ Mariah Carey

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. ~ William Feather

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. ~ Steve Martin

Her brother really was devastatingly handsome in a disheveled, wise-ass sort of way. Females followed him around like he was the Pied Piper of sex. Sydney constantly cautioned him about his choice in women and using protection. After all, he came from wealth. That made him ripe pickings to be some money hungry girl's sugar daddy. Especially since he went through those women like toilet paper. ~ Jenny Lyn

Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.'
Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.'
Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.'
Stark~ 'Deal.'
Zoey~ 'Deal. ~ P.C. Cast

Tragedies, I was coming to realize through my daily studies in humanities both in and out of the classroom, were a luxury. They were constructions of an affluent society, full of sorrow and truth but without moral function. Stories of the vanquishing of the spirit expressed and underscored a certain societal spirit to spare. The weakening of the soul, the story of the downfall and the failed overcoming - trains missed, letters not received, pride flaring, the demolition of one's own offspring, who were then served up in stews - this was awe-inspiring, wounding entertainment told uselessly and in comfort at tables full of love and money. Where life was meagerer, where the tables were only half full, the comic triumph of the poor was the useful demi-lie. Jokes were needed. And then the baby feel down the stairs. This could be funny! Especially in a place and time where worse things happened. It wasn't that suffering was a sweepstakes, but it certainly was relative. For understanding and for perspective, suffering required a butcher's weighing. And to ease the suffering of the listener, things had better be funny. Though they weren't always. And this is how, sometimes, stories failed us: Not that funny. Or worse, not funny in the least. ~ Lorrie Moore

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn." ~ Brian Regan

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once." ~ Mitch Hedberg