Funny Divorce Quotes

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. ~ Dave Mordal

Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient. ~ Voltaire

In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers. ~ Garry Trudeau

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. ~ Woody Allen

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced. ~ Elinor Glyn

Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. ~ H.L. Mencken

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. ~ Joan Rivers

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know, Elizabeth Taylor must be in Heaven going, 'Alright, fire two honey!' ~ Dana Carvey

I can't take his genius any more. ~ Rita Hayworth

I actually think the subject of young divorce is pretty funny; I'd like to write a movie about it. ~ Olivia Wilde

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money. ~ Wendy Liebman

To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while. ~ James Caan

It was one of those ridiculous arrangements that couples make when they are separating, but before they are divorced - when they still imagine that children and property can be shared with more magnanimity than recrimination. ~ John Irving

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. ~ Rich Vos

What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else. ~ Stephanie Klein

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short. ~ Mickey Rooney

The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce. ~ Miguel De Cervantes

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. ~ Henny Youngman

I do not consider divorce an evil by any means. It is just as much a refuge for women married to brutal men as Canada was to the slaves of brutal masters. ~ Susan B. Anthony

I can't get divorced because I'm a Catholic. Catholics don't get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended. ~ Lenny Clarke

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her. ~ Woody Allen

Cut if you will with sleep's dull knife, the years from off your life, my friend! the years that death takes off my life, he'll take from off the other end! ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

It's funny how life works like a seesaw: Some things go up while others plunge down. ~ Sophie Kinsella

I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup. ~ Gwyneth Paltrow

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. ~ Rita Rudner

Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren's golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly fitted muscle shirt showed off his extremely well-developed arms and chest.
I hissed at him quietly, For heaven's sake, Ren! You're going to give the women heart palpitations! ~ Colleen Houck

I know it's hard on her. If I don't tell her she'll kill me." He pauses. "That was supposed to be funny. ~ Julie Anne Peters

Peace, of course, is different from divorce; indeed, in essential respects, divorce is the opposite of peace. ~ Douglas Feith

Look, a couple years ago my mom and dad got on that big game show. Remember, Brand? Mom spent a month makin' those funny costumes. She was a giant egg. Dad was a frying pan. Dad kept sayin' we were gonna live on Easy Street. So we drove all the way to Hollywood. When we got there, they put us in this big audience with all these other people in funny costumes. Then some dude with lipstick and sprayed hair came down the stairs. He ~ James Kahn

What are you doing?"
"I'm, uh, acting normal."
"No you're not. You're acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don't act like you're not pretending, that'll make it worse. ~ Derek Landy

It's funny because 'West Wing' is similar to 'Game of Thrones' in some ways, as it was very hard to pull off back then. ~ Alex Graves

She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings. ~ Molly Harper

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved. ~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are. ~ Plato

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know ... ~ David Cross

What is it about shoes? I mean, I like most kind of clothes, but a fabulous pair of shoes can just reduce me to jelly. Sometimes, when no-one else is at home, I open my wardrobe and just stare at all my pairs of shoes, like some mad collector. And once I lined them all up on my bed and took a photograph of them. Which might seem a bit weird, but I thought, I've got loads of photos of people I don't really like, so why not take one of something I love? ~ Sophie Kinsella

The humor is essentially dark for a cartoon and sophisticated. But at the same time, being a cartoon gives the writers more freedom than in a normal sitcom. It always pushes the line that, despite human failings, the Simpsons are really decent people. ~ Dan Castellaneta

It's funny, when I lived in Ohio, I would read about extraordinary, eccentric characters in books and plays, but I couldn't imagine them in real life. Then I came to New York. ~ Fiona Davis

I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?" ~ Brian Regan

Being bored is an insult to oneself. ~ Jules Renard

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street ~ Jay Leno

I was still hoping that it might be a phase, that I'd wake up the next day and be normal. In the best of times, it seemed like such a short leap. I did fantasize about having a girlfriend - never the sex part, but the rest of it I had down. I knew what she'd look like and how she'd hold her long hair back from the flame when bending over a lit candle. I imagined us getting married the summer after I graduated from college, and then I imagined her drowning off the coast of North Carolina during one of my family's vacations. Everyone needed to be there so they could see just how devastated I was. I could actually make myself cry by picturing it: How I'd carry her out of the water, how my feet would sink into the sand owing to the extra weight. I'd try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and keep trying until someone, my father most often, would pull me back, saying, "It's too late, son. Can't you see she's gone?"

It seemed I wanted to marry just so I could be a widower. So profound would be my grief that I'd never look at another woman again. It was perfect, really. Oh, there were variations. Sometimes she'd die of leukemia, as in the movie Love Story. Occasionally a madman's bullet would fell her during a hostage situation, but always I'd be at her side, trying everything in my power to bring her back.

The fantasy remained active until I was twenty. Funny how unimportant being gay became once I told somebody. All I had to do was open up to my best friend, and w ~ David Sedaris

You are amazing," she said. "And you make a very handsome elephant. ~ Rick Riordan

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henny Youngman

Former vice president Al Gore has devoted his post-administration years to a mission to tell the world about global warming. It's funny, but in his civilian life Gore has discovered the voice that voters had trouble hearing when he ran for president in 2000. The voice he has found is clear, impassioned, and moving. ~ Graydon Carter

It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts ... until they see a witch. ~ Jon Stewart

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch ~ Rodney Dangerfield

There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that. ~ Dave Navarro

I wish happiness was some edible food easily available in stores... Oh wait, it is. ~ Hk

My sister wanted a cat for a pet ... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark. ~ Chic Murray

It started out as kind of a joke, and then it wasn't funny anymore because money became involved. Deep down, nothing about money is funny. ~ Charles Willeford

It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what's changed, is you. ~ Eric Roth

I have to console myself with the hope that I'd seen Isabeau soften, even hesitate, as if she might actually have taken my arm. It was suddenly very easy to picture her in a gown with petticoats and ringlets in her hair and diamonds at her throat. It was just as easy to picture Magda with horns and pitchfork. - Logan, page 95 ~ Alyxandra Harvey

It's a Christmas miracle. I had no tree. Now I have a forest. ~ Richelle Mead

No one's going to be able to operate without a grounding in the basic sciences. Language would be helpful, although English is becoming increasingly international. And travel. You have to have a global attitude. ~ Rupert Murdoch

I lisp. My eyes disappear when I smile. My voice is funny. I don't sing like Judy Garland. I don't dance like Cyd Charisse. But women identify with me. And while men desire Cyd Charisse, they'd take me home to meet Mom. ~ June Allyson

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out. ~ Dave Attell

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota. ~ Frankie Boyle

Its funny because when I did feel like I came out and I just felt like I was being truthful to myself, (it was at) that point I became very successful. So you know, it took a true kind of facing that truth of myself and being honest, that was when the real kind of fame or whatever that kind of stuff happened for me. ~ Margaret Cho

We Americans look funny when we're in France because we don't travel, we are fairly un-cultured whereas Europeans go to Africa all the time because it's right there. ~ Henry Rollins

I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day. ~ Mo Rocca