Bob Hope Quotes

US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!

People who blow kisses are hoplessly lazy.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned how to dance- waiting for the bathroom.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.

Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.

The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers ...

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

if you were to be loved be loveable

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing.

I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters.

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.

Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I've never heard of a clean one.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "

It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent ... he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.

It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob ... if you can see it, it's obsolete."

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

Television. That's where movies go when they die.