Taxes Funny Quotes

Taxes are paid in the sweat of every man who labors. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong. ~ Mark Twain

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. ~ William Feather

The United States has a system of taxation by confession ~ Hugo Black

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? ~ Milton Berle

A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it. ~ Ann Landers

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag ~ Jay Leno

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~ Herman Wouk

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. ~ Will Rogers

The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians. ~ Steve Forbes

America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation. ~ Laurence J. Peter

Knocking the shrieking goblins aside like skittles ~ J.K. Rowling

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns. ~ Bob Hope

It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay. ~ Bill Maher

If I didn't have some kind of education, then I wouldn't be able to count my money. ~ Missy Elliot

Sweetheart, darling, dearest, it was funny to think that these endearments, which used to sound exceedingly sentimental in movies and books, now held great importance, simple but true verbal affirmations of how they felt for each other. They were words only the heart could hear and understand, words that could impart entire pentameter sonnets in their few, short syllables. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

I find it funny because people complain about Brooklyn becoming too hip, but would they prefer stock brokers or gunfights or something? ~ Kemp Muhl

Funny how things like that can change when you're in these kind of situations. Kash usually drove me crazy. He was so stubborn, and such a smart-ass, but I missed those annoying traits so much. I missed the way our personalities clashed and resulted in us fighting; I would give anything to fight with Kash again. The thought of having children with him used to terrify me, and now I was afraid I'd never get to have that opportunity. And I hated the nickname Sour Patch so damn much, but I would never complain about it again if it meant hearing Kash's voice. ~ Molly McAdams

The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary.

His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q. The appellation he was given by his progenitors was Ray O'Vaque ("Like the battery," he'd elucidate, with an adamantine stare that proscribed any mirth). In his years of incarceration, however, he had earned the sobriquet "Uncle Milty" for his piscine amatory habits.
He had been emancipated from the penitentiary for three weeks, and now his restless peregrinations had conveyed him to this liminal place, seeking compurgation in the permafrost of the hyperborean tundra, which was an apt analogue of the permafrost in his heart. He insinuated himself into the caravansary with nugatory expectations, which were confirmed by the exiguous provisions for comfort. But then the bartender looked up from laving the begrimed bar, his eyes growing luminous as he ejactulated, "Milt! ~ Howard Mittelmark

I say no to drugs, but they don't listen. ~ Marilyn Manson

Just for fun, I'm really goofy and I would love to do some stupid comedy. I'm talking, like, crazy, out there, Will Ferrell type of thing. I love it; I think those movies are so funny. ~ Jaimie Alexander

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners. ~ Bauvard

The nation that would to-day disarm its soldiers and turn its people to the paths of peace would accomplish more to its building up than by all the war taxes wrong from its hostile and
unwilling serfs ~ Clarence Darrow

Nobody wants to enter the jungle, but everyone wants to be called Rambo. ~ Mircea Popister

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Way I figure it, if I'm forced to have a partner, might as well have one with benefits. If you're annoying me, fucking you will be more satisfying than punching you." Prophet grinned, then added slyly, "And I could punch you afterwards. ~ S.E. Jakes

It was a scandal when I did French 'Playboy' in 2008, though I was never actually nude in it. I think it's really funny that I'll have a cover of 'Playboy' to show my grandkids. ~ Lily Cole

Politically Incorrect was the name of the show Bill Maher hosted in the 1990s. It's also an apt description of the man himself. Now host of
HBO's hit show Real Time, I find Maher to be one of the sharpest observers of American politics and life in general out there. It doesn't mean I always agree with him. I always find him funny, though. ~ Fareed Zakaria

Everyone underestimates their own life. Funny thing is, in the end, all our stories ... they're the same. In fact, no matter where you go in the world, there is only one important story: of youth, loss and yearning for redemption. So we tell the same story, over and over. Only the details are different. ~ Rohinton Mistry

Course you can't fucking see, buddy, it's darker than a nun's virgin anus down here. ~ Charlie Huston

Solving this issue is as easy as turning over one's hand! ~ Luo Guanzhong

The funny thing is, Ivy, falling in love with you was as easy as breathing. The best time of my life. ~ Kristen Callihan

Those tax-exempt bonds were put in so that a town or a state or a government could sell more bonds than it ought to. ~ Will Rogers

Yes I pay taxes ... There are no ethics in the face of coercion, that is blaming the victim. Focus on the man with the gun, not the man in the crosshairs trying to survive. ~ Stefan Molyneux

Whatever happened to preparations A through G? ~ Steven Wright

It's not hard for me to be funny in front of people, but most of that is just horrified nerves taking the form of what makes people laugh, and afterwards I'd always feel dreadfully depressed, kind of self-induced bi-polar disorder. ~ Lynda Barry

The government taxes you when you bring home a paycheck.
It taxes you when you make a phone call.
It taxes you when you turn on a light.
It taxes you when you sell a stock.
It taxes you when you fill your car with gas.
It taxes you when you ride a plane.
It taxes you when you get married.
Then it taxes you when you die.
This is taxual insanity and it must end. ~ J. C. Watts

Taxes are a barbaric remnant of ancient times in which early farmers, tied to the land, no longer able to roam freely, unable to fight back with awkward agricultural tools the way they once could with hunting implements, became victims, first, of itinerant plunderers, then of bandits settling down beside them to become the governments we know today. ~ L. Neil Smith

Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.
"I thought you must be dead ... " he said simply.
"So did I for a while," said Ford, "and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic. ~ Douglas Adams

I'm actually not in favour of decriminalizing cannabis
I'm in favour of legalizing it. Tax and regulate. It's one of the only ways to keep it out of the hands of our kids because the current war on drugs, the current model isn't working, ~ Justin Trudeau

I think having funny characters is just one way of having three-dimensional characters. ~ Ti West

I stopped thinking and watched in horror as Tex banged the portafilter on top of the espresso machine. Monty hit a button and was drowned out by Tex's voice shouting, "Fucking steam! Give me some more fucking steam, you monster!" Which was followed by Duke shouting, "It only gives as much steam as it gives, man!"
Wonderful. ~ Kristen Ashely

Does anyone know why Will left? Charlotte demanded, standing at the head of a long table around which the rest of them were seated. Cecily, her hands folded demurely before her, suddenly became very interested in the pattern of the carpet. ~ Cassandra Clare