Spike Milligan Quotes

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door.In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.
'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
And the Monkeys all say Boo!
Theres a Nang Nong Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the Mice go Clang!
And you just cant catch em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong!
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning!
Trees go Ping!
Nong Ning Nang!
The mice go Clang!
What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

In the human race today, you came last.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

If a robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage,
How feels heaven when
Dies the billionth battery hen?

(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Money! Father Rudden had tried everything to raise funds to repair the church, he even went to the bank. 'Don't be a fool, Father!' said the manager, 'Put that gun down.' Money!

The youngest member of this ageing community was ex-variety artiste, Patrick L. Balls. Fifty-nine now, he spent out his remaining years pulling a rope lift and bottling fruit. He had once whistled Ave Maria for Queen Victoria. She wasn't present at the time, but nevertheless that's who he was whistling it for.

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
A Bongaloo, Son," said I,
Is a tall bag of cheese
Plus a Chinaman's knees
And the leg of a nanny goat's eye

Everybody has to be somewhere!

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.

Actually, I was glad when we left, I couldn't have kept up this non-stop soldier-all-day - lover-all-night with only cups of tea in between.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much ... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

A family man from Siberia
As a father was very inferior
But one operation
Revised the situation
And now he's Mother Superior

I told you I was sick.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

You must be rather new out here."
"Yes sir, new out here, but old everywhere else.

There are holes in the sky
Where the rain gets in,
But they're ever so small
That's why rain is thin.

The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.

Therec all the rage, Cab Calaway wears one.

You saved my life, Holmes,' said the baronet.
'We all make mistakes,' said Holmes. 'Are you strong enough to stand?'
'Give me another mouthful of that brandy, and I shall be able to stand anything.'
He drank the bottle and collapsed.
He tried to stagger to his feet and passed out, but he was still ghastly pale and trembling in every limb. We helped him to a rock. He wouldn't eat it.

Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?'
'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.'
'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.

My sister Laura's bigger than me
And lifts me up quite easily.
I can't lift her, I've tried and tried;
She must have something heavy inside.

If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
I love you.

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

I'm Irish. We think sideways

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

A lot of learning canbe a little thing.

Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn't think quick enough.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.