Robert Orben Quotes

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.

Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.

Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.

It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always
high, and the results usually disappointing.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

I don't want to say anything about my kids ... but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education
show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.

New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.