Irs Quotes

Oh, and although I don't particularly like the IRS, I still do not like terrorists and have no desire whatsoever to attack our federal government. This is the United States. If you don't like our government, go out and vote"--From Author's note in "Tax Break ~ Jay Williams

Writing checks to the IRS that include strings of zeros does not bother me ... Overall, we feel extraordinarily lucky to have been dealt a hand in life that enables us to write large checks to the government rather than one requiring the government to regularly write checks to us-say, because we are disabled or unemployed. ~ Warren Buffett

Anybody who is familiar with the historical data from the IRS knows that raising income tax rates will likely actually reduce federal revenues. ~ Mike Pence

I have not done anything wrong. I have not broken any laws. I have not violated any IRS rules or regulations and I have not provided false information to this or any other committee. ~ Lois Lerner

When you come into the world you have nothing ... when you leave you have nothing ... and in between there's the IRS. ~ Bob Thaves

The theory of the IRS is rather repugnant to me because the assumption is made that I, the government, owns 100% of your income and I permit you to keep 5%, 10% or 20%. You're vulnerable, you've sold out. The government can take 80% if they want, which they did at one time. ~ Ron Paul

Finally, the House is working to require a comprehensive federal review of IRS regulations with a follow-up report to Congress on possible actions to reduce the tax paperwork burden imposed on small businesses. ~ Michael K. Simpson

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list ~ Milton Berle

I played so bad, I got a get-well card from the IRS. ~ Johnny Miller

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference. ~ Emo Philips

A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform. ~ Russell B. Long

The only two things that scare me are God and the IRS. ~ Dr. Dre

Is there another way? Of course there is. There is a way based on simple moral principles: Everyone keeps his own money. Everyone decides what to do with his own money. No income tax. No IRS. No government grants or assistance to anyone. All charity is voluntary. It's called freedom. It's a peaceful, harmonious way of life, one that Americans once believed in. ~ Jacob G. Hornberger

Taking somebody's money without permission is stealing, unless you work for the IRS; then it's taxation. Killing people en masse is homicidal mania, unless you work for the Army; then it's National Defense. Spying on your neighbors is invasion of privacy, unless you work for the FBI; then it's National Security. Running a whorehouse makes you a pimp and poisoning people makes you a murderer, unless you work for the CIA; then it's counter-intelligence. ~ Robert Anton Wilson

Celebrate me for who I am, dislike me for what I ain't ( ... ) put me up on a pedestal or drag me down in the dirt ( ... ) this is who I am, you can like ir or not, you can love me or leave me cuz I'm never gonna stop ~ Madonna Ciccone

The IRS says it wants to make sure companies can give their employees a choice between a new cash balance plan and the traditional defined benefit plan. The real question here is whether companies should be required to give their workers that choice. ~ Bernie Sanders

I got IRS records to finance what I wanted to do. ~ Penelope Spheeris

But, no, really, I had it this time. One of my first Salon essays was about confronting my debt, which had gotten so out of control I had to borrow money from my parents. That was a low moment, but it came with a boost of integrity. A free tax attorney helped me calculate the amount I owed the IRS - $40,000 - and put me on a payment plan. My commitment was seven years, which made me feel like the guy in Shawshank Redemption, tunneling out of prison with a spoon. ~ Sarah Hepola

The Union is what needs defending this year. Government of Enron and by Halliburton and for the Southern Baptists is not the same as what Lincoln spoke of. This gang of Republicans has humbugged us to death on terrorism and tax cuts for the comfy and school prayer and flag burning and claimed the right to know what books we read and to dump their sewage upstream from the rest of us and clear-cut the forests and gut the IRS and promote the corporate takeover of the public airwaves and to hell with anybody who opposes them. ~ Garrison Keillor

I heard about this man who fell into a pit, and while he was down there several people came by and offered their opinions. The Pharisee said, "You deserve to be in the pit." The Catholic said, "You need to suffer while you're in the pit." The Baptist said, "If you'd been saved, you wouldn't have fallen into the pit." The charismatic said, "Just confess I'm not in the pit." The mathematician said, "Let me calculate how you fell into the pit." The IRS agent said, "Have you paid taxes on that pit?" The optimist said, "Things could be worse." The pessimist said, "Things will get worse. ~ Joel Osteen

However accurate or inaccurate the agency's numbers may be, tax law explicitly presumes that the IRS is always right
and implicitly presumes that the taxpayer is always wrong
in any dispute with the government. In many cases, the IRS introduces no evidence whatsoever of its charges; it merely asserts that a taxpayer had a certain amount of unreported income and therefore owes a proportionate amount in taxes, plus interest and penalties. ~ James Bovard

All we have to do now is to inform the public that the payment of social security taxes is voluntary and watch the mass exodus. ~ Walter E. Williams

The interrogation and banter [with the IRS auditor] went on until lunch. In the process, Clark learned a valuable lesson that all Americans figure out sooner or later: if the government wants to fuck you, it is only a matter of when and what position they prefer. KY is optional and applied purely at the government's discretion. ~ Mark Gilleo

You're serious."
"As serious as an accountant at an IRS audit."
His face closed off, reminding her of the ruthlessness she had first noticed about him on the front steps. "You have no business opening a restaurant."
"Says who?"
"Says the guy who watched you try to extricate yourself from a burger suit with a knife."
Her mouth fell open. "Burger suits and restaurants are two different kettles of fish."
"Kettles of fish? Now there's great business terminology."
"Yep, Texas style."
"You're in New York, sweetheart."
"I am not your sweetheart, thank my lucky stars."
"Another of your quaint Texas sayings? What was the last one I heard you use? 'Bless your heart'?"
She sliced him a tooth-grinding smile. "While you might not like them, you can bet your backside that a cafe that serves the kind of fare we create in Texas would have people lined up around the corner. Or, as we say in Texas, till the cows come home. ~ Linda Francis Lee

I long ago became convinced that the most reliable source for arcane and obscure and seemingly unobtainable information does not lie with the government or law enforcement agencies. Apparently neither the CIA nor the military intelligence apparatus inside the Pentagon had even a slight inkling of the Soviet Union's impending collapse, right up to the moment the Kremlin's leaders were trying to cut deals for their memoirs with New York publishers. Or, if a person really wishes a lesson in the subjective nature of official information, he can always call the IRS and ask for help with his tax forms, then call back a half hour later and ask the same questions to a different representative. So where do you go to find a researcher who is intelligent, imaginative, skilled in the use of computers, devoted to discovering the truth, and knowledgeable about science, technology, history, and literature, and who usually works for dirt and gets credit for nothing? After lunch I drove to the city library on Main and asked the reference librarian to find what she could on Junior Crudup. ~ James Lee Burke

I'd learned how to handle a gun before I was fully potty trained. ~ Diane Kelly

If you make one word out of 'The IRS' it spells 'theirs.' ~ Lyn Nofziger

When preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet, are (1) "failure to include a current address," and (2) "failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law-writing congresspersons." ~ Dave Barry

The 'do nothing everything will be all right' default plan is determined by the IRS and government. ~ Sean Novinson

Planned Parenthood had better hope that Hillary Clinton wins this election, because I guarantee under President Jindal, January 2017, the Department of Justice and the IRS and everybody else that we can send from the federal government will be going in to Planned Parenthood. ~ Bobby Jindal

If you are breaking the law, it is better when someone other than the IRS finds out first. ~ Amit Chandel

Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS. ~ Jay Leno

Another agency - the IRS - did not do as well under Republicans who control Congress. The IRS is largely flatlined in their spending, but they did get about 300 million more funding. But I can only be used to help people pay their taxes and answer questions. It can't be used for any other purpose. ~ Susan Davis

It was as if, before she`d met him, her blood had circulated grayly around her body, and now ir was all oxygenated and red. She was petrified of becoming the half-alive person she`d been before. ~ Jeffrey Eugenides

Its contempt for citizens ... is so routine, and so unlimited, that the agency has become a kind of Frankenstein, running wild and terrorizing Americans at will. The IRS hypocritically requires mistake-free returns when its own books are in shambles. It demands exorbitant sums of money without regard to the accuracy of its claims. It doesn't hesitate to use every possible maneuver to get what it wants, sometimes destroying businesses
and lives
in the process. ~ James Bovard

What may be called linear thinking goes straight out from one pole or from one idea of the cosmos of ideas, which every true philosophy is. This idea, cut off from its interrelations and interdependencies with the cosmos,[linear thinking] then fanatically thinks to a finish. Then it becomes radical individualism or socialism or totalitarianism or anarchism. This linear thinking, so characteristic of the modern mind and irs countless -isms, is a stranger to Catholic political philosophy. For Catholic political philosophy is spheric thinking. ~ Heinrich Albert Rommen

The IRS has become morally corrupted by the enormous power which we in Congress have unwisely entrusted to it. Too often it acts like a Gestapo preying upon defenseless citizens. ~ Edward V. Long

No matter what federal program one selects - Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, the drug war, the income tax and the IRS, education, foreign interventions and wars - they are all a giant mess. ~ Jacob G. Hornberger

Daddy had a strict rule about firearms. Anything we killed we had to eat. No amount of barbecue sauce would make a hairy guy like you palatable. ~ Diane Kelly

She liked to steal - so what. She could kill without blinking - again, so what. It wasn't like she worked for the IRS or anything - Bianka ~ Gena Showalter

Never call your office while you're on vacation. That's always been one of my hard and fast rules. ~ William Manchee

I have often thought that the difference between a cult and a religion is an IRS ruling. ~ Ron Barrier

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. ~ Dave Barry

Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents. ~ Conan O'Brien

One poll showed that Americans have a higher opinion of witches, the IRS and hemorrhoids than Congress ~ Tom Coburn

For restaurants that have a minimum gratuity charge on large groups, the IRS will now count those tips as regular wages rather than traditional tips that we are all familiar with when we dine out. Ask any server, and they will tell you that this will directly affect their day-to-day lifestyle. ~ Kevin McCarthy

From the IRS standpoint, 15,000 new employees have to be added just to, you know, administer ObamaCare and look at the tax implications. ~ Jeff Fitzgerald

The money was going to come and go, between a wife and the IRS. The thrill of beating the best field in golf is what will always stay with me. ~ Calvin Peete

Previous presidents, including great ones like Roosevelt, have used the IRS against their enemies. But I don't think Barack Obama ever wanted to be on the same page as Richard Nixon. ~ Joe Klein

'The Committee has identified eight senior leaders who were in a position to prevent or to stop the IRS's targeting of conservative applicants,' the Oversight report states. 'Each of these leaders could have and should have done more to prevent the IRS's targeting of conservative tax-exempt applicants.' ~ Patrick Howley

You have choices and you do have some control. The IRS is not always correct! Even if you owe more than you can pay, there are other options. ~ Jeffrey Schneider EA CTRS NTPIF

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. ~ Dave Barry

Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten ~ George Bramwell, 1st Baron Bramwell

Mandatory sentencing guidelines have become as complicated and detailed as the IRS code! ~ Harold H. Greene

The IRS targeting certain groups for harassment because of their politics would be unfair. If we found out the NSA was keeping special tabs on everyone who worshiped at a mosque or took a Bible trip through the Middle East, you'd have an uprising. ~ Gail Collins

What am I afraid of? The IRS. That's it. I don't want those people knockin' on my door, man. ~ Tracy Morgan

But criticism, for the most part, comes from the opposite place that book-enjoying should come from. To enjoy art one needs time, patience, and a generous heart, and criticism is done, by and large, by impatient people who have axes to grind. The worst sort of critics are (analogy coming) butterfly collectors - they chase something, ostensibly out of their search for beauty, then, once they get close, they catch that beautiful something, they kill it, they stick a pin through its abdomen, dissect it and label it. The whole process, I find, is not a happy or healthy one. Someone with his or her own shit figured out, without any emotional problems or bitterness or envy, instead of killing that which he loves, will simply let the goddamn butterfly fly, and instead of capturing and killing it and sticking it in a box, will simply point to it - "Hey everyone, look at that beautiful thing" - hoping everyone else will see the beautiful thing he has seen. Just as no one wants to grow up to be an IRS agent, no one should want to grow up to maliciously dissect books. ~ Dave Eggers

Top IRS officials specifically targeted tea party groups and misled the public about its secret political targeting program led by ex-official Lois Lerner, according to a bombshell new congressional report. ~ Patrick Howley

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this. ~ Jay Leno

I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics. ~ Dave Barry

Today's political leaders demonstrate their low opinion of the public with every social law they pass. They believe that, if given the right to chose, the citizenry will probably make the wrong choice. Legislators do not think any more in terms of persuading people; they feel the need to force their agenda on the public at the point of a bayonet and the barrel of a gun, in the name of the IRS, the SEC, the FDA, the DEA, the EPA, or a multitude of other ABCs of government authority. ~ Mark Skousen

The biggest threat to the American people today lies with the United States government ... [T]he long-term solution is to dismantle, not reform, the iron fist of the welfare state and the controlled economy. This includes the end (not the reform) of the IRS, the DEA, the BATF, the SEC, the FDA, HUD, the departments of HHS, Labor, Agriculture, and energy, and every other agency that takes money from some and gives it to others or interferes with peaceful behavior. ~ Jacob G. Hornberger

The United States has a system of taxation by confession ~ Hugo Black

While tax refunds amount to substantial income for many Americans, current IRS rules do not allow taxpayers to directly deposit their refund into more than one account. ~ Jim Cooper

You'll note that politicians no longer spend money, they invest it. Don't worry about paying more to the [IRS]. You aren't being taxed; you're taking a plunge on a fly-by-night stock issue. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

We are now shocked at the current spate of alphabetic scandals - IRS, AP, NSA, VA. But why are we surprised, given that Obama never told the truth about his relationships with the old terrorist Bill Ayers and former PLO ad hoc spokesman Rashid Khalidi, or about the creepy land deal with the crook Tony Rezko? If the Obama White House demonized the Tea Party as tea-baggers, or compared the Republican House opposition to terrorists and arsonists, why should we be astonished, given how he was elected to the U.S. Senate? Quite mysteriously, his primary opponent, Blair Hull, and his general-election opponent, Jack Ryan, both of whom were favored to win, had their confidential divorce records leaked. Their campaigns subsequently imploded. ~ Anonymous

His clients ranged from the IRS to the mob.On one occasion the oil industry hired him to kill the inventor of a car which was fueled by depression. The moguls didn't know how to profit from such a cheap and abundant resource. ~ Steve Aylett

1913 wasn't a very good year. 1913 gave us the income tax, the 16th amendment and the IRS. ~ Ron Paul

Musicians now find themselves in the unlikely position of being legitimate. At least the IRS thinks so. ~ Billy Joel

I bought all my friends guitars and I had a good time with my money. But then one day the IRS came knocking. ~ Janis Ian

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag ~ Jay Leno

Get rid of IRS; get rid of income tax; get rid of spending. ~ Ron Paul

Rather than passing a thousand pages of tax reform legislation and restarting the tax code manipulation process, we should change the paradigm. It is time to eliminate the IRS and repeal the 16th Amendment. ~ Jim Bridenstine

Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil, or it's all been done before? Make good art. ~ Neil Gaiman

The American public overwhelmingly regrets ObamaCare, our veterans are dying waiting to see doctors, the IRS intimidates conservative groups, the southern border is compared to a sieve and the president assures us not to worry - smiling, golfing and at this very moment partying ... Because the fundraising never stops - not when four Americans die in Benghazi, and not when Baghdad is at the brink. ~ Megyn Kelly

'Tax Collector' was optioned for a series with F/X, but it never happened. I guess they ran into a problem trying to figure out why someone would tune in to watch a show about a guy who works for the IRS. ~ Rick Yancey

You must buy health insurance or pay the new Gestapo - the IRS. ~ Paul LePage

In enforcement, you always have to have both a focus on the really worst actors - you know, gang bangers, in this case, drug dealers, that sort of thing - but also routine enforcement because think about, for instance, the IRS. They don't say, OK, well, if you're not a money launderer, it doesn't matter whether you fill your tax return out right or not. They have both. They go after the really bad actors and they have a kind of general, routine enforcement ~ Mark Krikorian

Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam. ~ Jay Leno

So let me get this straight – this is a long sentence. We are going to be gifted with a health care plan that we are forced to purchase, and fined if we don't, which reportedly covers 10 million more people without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman doesn't understand it, passed by Congress, that didn't read it, but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a president who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we will be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese and financed by a country that is broke. So what the blank could possibly go wrong? ~ Barbara Bellar

Churches are tax exempt because they are supposed to provide a public good. To prove that good to the IRS, churches arent supposed to hoard their money. They are supposed to spend it on goods and services for the faithful. Under this pretense, the church has made massive investments in tax free real estate all over the world. And when it comes to labor costs, they are almost free. ~ Lawrence Wright

My family was always very supportive. Whether you're an actor or not, everybody hears the horror stories of people going to L.A. and trying to be an actor, and their dreams are crushed, and they end up working for the IRS. So they were always protective to the point that they wanted me to have a backup plan, which is understandable, but there was always something inside of me that knew: backup plan, schmackup plan. ~ Zachary Levi

Reports also suggest that Ernst and Young and other large tax preparation firms are sending tax returns overseas for processing. But the IRS has no control over tax information once it's been sent to India or another country. ~ Melissa Bean

I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS. ~ Robert T. Bakker

I think the terror most people are concerned with is the IRS. ~ Malcolm Forbes

The police state We now have well over 100,000 domestic federal law enforcement agents armed and ready to enforce the laws to "make everyone safe and secure." We also have our TSA "friends" at the airports protecting us with an army of over 50,000 bureaucrats. The Department of Homeland Security has more than 240,000 employees. The FBI has about 35,000 employees. Around 90,000 IRS employees enforce draconian tax laws that limit self-sufficiency, put people in fear, and are used as a political tool to help suppress dissenters to the empire. There are many thousands of others "making sure we're safe and secure from our foreign enemies" while our domestic enemies, including politicians, bureaucrats, and government profiteers, are ignored. ~ Ron Paul

Isn't it nice of the IRS to tell the media where to ambush me before they tell me that the U.S. Attorney is suing me? ~ Cindy Sheehan

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference. ~ Emo Philips

Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40. ~ Jay Leno

The real problem with the IRS is that they let General Electric not pay any taxes
and 50 other corporations
that's the real scandal ~ Michael Moore

The IRS takes your money. Congress uses our money to arm our enemies. The IRS takes more of your money. Congress uses that money to fight the enemies Congress just armed. ~ Justin Amash

Dear IRS, I am writing to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list. ~ Charles M. Schulz

Obamacare has made the government part of our health care decisions. The IRS controls all of our financial information. The NSA apparently sees everything else. ~ Ben Shapiro

Much has already been learned about the arrogance of the IRS from the House investigations of the agency's targeting of conservatives. The revelations emerged despite strenuous efforts by Democrats in Washington and by the IRS itself to block inquiries and deny the existence of political targeting - targeting that the former head of the IRS Exempt Organizations Unit, Lois Lerner, eventually acknowledged and apologized for in May 2013. ~ Cleta Mitchell

If you're tempted to believe with Governor Cuomo that government is just like Mom and Pop rather than Big Brother, just ask yourself one question: When was the last time all the IRS wanted from you was a hug and a kiss. ~ Paul Laxalt

Some of you in this room support higher taxes. I welcome your enthusiasm and am glad to report that the IRS takes both money orders and checks. ~ George W. Bush

My last divorce was in '68. What made it come to a head was a promise. See, I had promised her that the next year I wouldn't work as much. But then I got in trouble with the IRS, and I had to continue working just as much to pay the government. So she said I lied, which is something I never did. ~ B.B. King

The idea of receiving a letter from the IRS is not a pleasant one for anyone. What makes it worse is the confusion, the fear, the assumptions and the thoughts of all the worst-case scenarios that can make you feel like you have a tidal wave of stress. ~ Jeffrey Schneider EA CTRS NTPIF

I read about a John Shelby of Thackham, England, who in 1672 was thrown from his horse into a thicket where he found an iron pot containing more than five hundred gold coins. According to the treasure trove laws of England, all hidden or lost property belonged to the Crown. However, Shelby refused to give the gold to the king's officers, and he was arrested, tried for treason, and beheaded. This was probably a favorite story of the IRS. ~ Nelson DeMille

You from the IRS? The man's voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain. ~ Carl Hiaasen