Billy Crystal Quotes

Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries.

I was a film-directing major at NYU. I'm still not sure why I became a directing major, when I was really an actor and a comedian, but there was something that drew me to doing that.

You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they're raising them. You can't push your way into areas where you shouldn't be saying anything. You have to always remember they're not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death - then hand them back.

Consider the rose ... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

My mind is always going. I'm always thinking what I need to do, what I haven't done, what I did do, what I didn't do as well as I could - I'm relentless that way with myself.

I was always drawn to performing, but I never thought I could. I have no idea what I wanted to do outside of the old cowboy-or-fireman. When I was in college, I got serious about acting. I started examining history and then everything related to the theater. History, art, all the other studies, if I could link them into the theater, then it became alive for me. It just opened up my eyes.

Thurmond - same thing. Kennedy, Eisenhower, Clinton ... all men of power, and the power went right to their pants. Even FDR fooled around. This

The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday.

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.

We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.

You bought a one-way ticket to New York with no return flight booked," he says. "I'm flying to New York and I'm not coming back for a month or two," I explain. "I'm not booking a round-trip flight at this point." "I understand. No problem. We'll be finished right after a quick thorough search." I think he's kidding. He's not. I keep trying to joke with him as he frisks me a little too eagerly. "I thought you'd buy me a drink first," I say. "I guess the only people drinking fifteen minutes before a flight are the pilots.

Nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.

I love doing it [hosting the Oscars] because I love the danger of it and you have to come through and think on your feet. That's why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.

What's so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you're constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that.

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

We tiptoe around like we're the Frank family and the Gestapo is downstairs. The baby monitor is in our room, and the unspoken rule is that when the kids go down, so do we. So at seven P.M., I'm in bed waiting for the sandman to come. I can't watch TV, because the noise may wake up the kids; I can't listen to music with my iPod earbuds, because then I can't hear the monitor; and I can't have sex, because that could wake up Janice.

I always was a performer, from the time I was little. It was always a natural place for me to be.

[My mother] is the greatest hero I'll ever know because she kept us all together, she made sure we all graduated college. She always believed in us no matter what we do. My older brother Joel became an art teacher; my brother Rip ultimately became a television producer and singer and actor himself.

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you're here, and that people love you and you love them. We only do this once.

But I had learned over the years that if you're not happy doing what you're doing, then you shouldn't be doing it.

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

I'm a sucker for a free tuxedo.

Dad had a music store, and he'd often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.

I quit drinking. That was a big problem for a lot of years. Then after that, I just started feeling grateful again.

Kids need a happy household. They need to be loved and supported in their dreams. And I don't think you can make your kids' dreams your own. They need you to support them in their dreams.

I'm comfortable being old ... being black ... being Jewish.

I was introducing [director and producer] Hal Roach - Mr. Roach was 100 years old, he was one of the fathers of early days in films, he put Laurel with Hardy, he created the Our Gang kids, and all these silent movies he did - he was a giant.

It's money. I remember it from when I was single

Insomnia, from the Greek word meaning I can't fucking sleep!

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

If you do something for the first time, you will always remember it. If your Dad has something to do with it, you write about it.

The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.

I miss those days, those midnight hours on the turnpike with nothing on the road but trucks and me, and nothing on my mind but the act and how I could make it funnier.

There's only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

You give up your dream, you give up.

Gentlemen, start your egos.

When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable.

Don't give up your power.

Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.

I'm going to be your grandpa! / I have the biggest smile. / I've been waiting to meet you for such a long, long while.

For almost 40 years, he was the brightest star in the comedy galaxy ... The beautiful light will continue to shine on us forever and the glow will be so bright, it'll warm your heart, it'll make your eyes glisten, and you'll think to yourselves, Robin Williams, what a concept.

Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place

As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.

I think when I feel I'm at my best is when I'm on stage, and it's my version of jazz because it's just riffing or something.

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.

I think I've far exceeded what I ever thought I could possibly do. I'm almost shocked that I'm still around after all of these years ... and always grateful that I get another turn to do something.

At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are.