Daniel Tosh Quotes

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it.

Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid?

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Put that on a postcard: "San Francisco; more butt-fucking per square inch...miss you".

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.