David Letterman Quotes

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Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?
David Letterman Quotes: Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and
I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.
David Letterman Quotes: I went to the beach
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.
David Letterman Quotes: Today was opening day for
Everyday is a compromise.
David Letterman Quotes: Everyday is a compromise.
Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
David Letterman Quotes: Night clubs scare me. They're
Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.
David Letterman Quotes: Pope Francis is going to
The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver.
David Letterman Quotes: The entire island of Martha's
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
David Letterman Quotes: Someone did a study of
They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.
David Letterman Quotes: They say the oil spill
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'
David Letterman Quotes: Bill Murray is on the
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
David Letterman Quotes: How many people saw Arnold's
Bring Your Child to Work Day
that's how we got George W. Bush.
David Letterman Quotes: Bring Your Child to Work
I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.
David Letterman Quotes: I'm so excited for my
A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
David Letterman Quotes: A small handgun makes any
Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.
David Letterman Quotes: Well, the manhunt continues for
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters' ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.
David Letterman Quotes: Monday is President's Day and
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.
David Letterman Quotes: Two things you need to
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
David Letterman Quotes: If it weren't for the
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'
David Letterman Quotes: I'll be honest with you.
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
David Letterman Quotes: I feel like Bush presidencies
Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.
David Letterman Quotes: Good luck finding a place
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
David Letterman Quotes: And how about that Barack
Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
David Letterman Quotes: Father's Day: When you get
Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.
David Letterman Quotes: Tomorrow is our final show.
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.
David Letterman Quotes: God forbid I should be
Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.
David Letterman Quotes: Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser.
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
David Letterman Quotes: Our guest tonight is Michelle
Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.
David Letterman Quotes: Say what you will about
I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi ... She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes ... She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench ... She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing ... She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial.
David Letterman Quotes: I like that Sarah Palin.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
David Letterman Quotes: Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break
When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'
David Letterman Quotes: When we started the show,
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.
David Letterman Quotes: There are a lot of
The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
David Letterman Quotes: The CIA special unit that
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
David Letterman Quotes: Fall is my favorite season
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
David Letterman Quotes: Meryl Streep is on the
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
David Letterman Quotes: Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
David Letterman Quotes: I think you can use
New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
David Letterman Quotes: New York is great though.
The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.
David Letterman Quotes: The new 'Mad Max' movie
People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.
David Letterman Quotes: People say we need royalty.
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.
David Letterman Quotes: Experts say this global warming
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.
David Letterman Quotes: Jeb Bush may run for
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.
David Letterman Quotes: You know, Sarah Palin is
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman Quotes: We make a lot of
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
David Letterman Quotes: Last night the United States
This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.
David Letterman Quotes: This will be Michelle Obama's
Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!
David Letterman Quotes: Every day is President's Day
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
David Letterman Quotes: I vote Democrat because I
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.
David Letterman Quotes: Yesterday was Election Day. If
Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.
David Letterman Quotes: Hillary went to a Chipotle
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
David Letterman Quotes: The world's oldest woman passed
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
David Letterman Quotes: I got some good news
Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.
David Letterman Quotes: Did you folks see President
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
David Letterman Quotes: Did you see Howard Dean
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.
David Letterman Quotes: The creepy stuff was that
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.
David Letterman Quotes: Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid
Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'
David Letterman Quotes: Sarah Palin is joining Fox
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
David Letterman Quotes: Iraqi's minister of information did
Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
David Letterman Quotes: Hookers in Times Square, God
Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab'
David Letterman Quotes: Every day we learn more
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on FOX News.
David Letterman Quotes: One day you're the leader
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.
David Letterman Quotes: Some Secret Service guys crashed
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
David Letterman Quotes: Last Halloween I ran out
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.
David Letterman Quotes: President Obama has two years
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.
David Letterman Quotes: You probably heard about the
When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.
David Letterman Quotes: When I stopped smoking cigars
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman Quotes: President Bush has been silent
Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.
David Letterman Quotes: Privately I think that I'm
When I became a Sigma Chi it was great, because they were the pople I enjoyed being with and I was very proud of the association. It was kind of an instant confidence builder for me
that what I considered the best fraternity on campus had actually wanted me. And I had always been very shy and without a lot of confidence. So it was a really good social experience and for me it was also a social maturation. It was a great benefit.
David Letterman Quotes: When I became a Sigma
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds
235 with cologne.
David Letterman Quotes: Donald Trump is on the
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
David Letterman Quotes: Mitt Romney is quite a
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing - yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.
David Letterman Quotes: It's autumn in New York.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman Quotes: Everyone has a purpose in
Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah ... But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected.
David Letterman Quotes: Former governor of Alaska, Sarah
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
David Letterman Quotes: Hillary's trying to appear downhome.
There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
during the trial.
David Letterman Quotes: There was an interesting development
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
David Letterman Quotes: The 4th of July combines
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
David Letterman Quotes: Security here in New York
Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.
David Letterman Quotes: Congratulations to Ohio State, your
While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
David Letterman Quotes: While I was gone, I
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'
David Letterman Quotes: I got a call from
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.
David Letterman Quotes: A priest in New York
I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch ...
David Letterman Quotes: I pulled a hamstring during
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
David Letterman Quotes: Today coming to work, I
There just isn't enough televised Chess
David Letterman Quotes: There just isn't enough televised
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
David Letterman Quotes: Number one way life would
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.
David Letterman Quotes: Donald Trump is talking about
Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.
David Letterman Quotes: Childhood. I wish I had
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
David Letterman Quotes: There's already been some trouble
You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella.
First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
David Letterman Quotes: You can't eat tomatoes because
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
David Letterman Quotes: President Bush says he needs
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
David Letterman Quotes: The candidates at the Republican
What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.
David Letterman Quotes: What a day. It's 53
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
David Letterman Quotes: Let's see what's going on
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
David Letterman Quotes: Here's what we know about
Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.
David Letterman Quotes: Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir
In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?
David Letterman Quotes: In the last 48 hours
John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.
David Letterman Quotes: John Boehner - doesn't he
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.
David Letterman Quotes: Hillary Clinton is now in
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen.
David Letterman Quotes: President Obama, by the way,
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