David Letterman Famous Quotes
Reading David Letterman quotes, download and share images of famous quotes by David Letterman. Righ click to see or save pictures of David Letterman quotes that you can use as your wallpaper for free.
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?
I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.
Everyday is a compromise.
Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.
The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver.
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
Bring Your Child to Work Day
that's how we got George W. Bush.
I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.
A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters' ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.
Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.
I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi ... She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes ... She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench ... She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing ... She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.
The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.
People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.
Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.
Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.
Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab'
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on FOX News.
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.
When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.
When I became a Sigma Chi it was great, because they were the pople I enjoyed being with and I was very proud of the association. It was kind of an instant confidence builder for me
that what I considered the best fraternity on campus had actually wanted me. And I had always been very shy and without a lot of confidence. So it was a really good social experience and for me it was also a social maturation. It was a great benefit.
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds
235 with cologne.
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing - yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah ... But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected.
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
during the trial.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.
While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.
I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch ...
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
There just isn't enough televised Chess
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.
Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella.
First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.
In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?
John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen.