Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet ... oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.