Humour Quotes

Age may catch up with you, just never let it over take you. ~ Benny Bellamacina

Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.'
'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling in front of her but it was too late.
Xav added some Parmesan and pepper. 'Suspicious, Diamond? You should be. This is a bachelor party I'm organizing, not a school outing, and it is going to tick all of Trace's boxes. Lola is either a very efficient water sports instructor or an exotic dancing girl; I'll leave it your imagination.'
I rolled my eyes at Diamond. 'Myabe she's both. I mean the guys will really go for that, I guess. Don't worry,Di, Luigi and his crew will not disappoint us girls.' Luigi was in fact Contessa Nicoletta's little bespectacled chef with whom I had been consulting about the menu for Friday, but the Benedicts weren't to know that. 'He has promised to provide something suitably spicy for our tastes. ~ Joss Stirling

Have to be honest with you Darquesse, I cannot feel that. That must be one of your special abilities, because to me, it looks like you just killed a whole bunch of people for no reason."
"Oh," said Darquesse. "That's so sad ~ Derek Landy

The bar was crowded with theorizing Sherlockians, who in the absence of any actual evidence had created grand machinations to explain the crime. Minor points of canonical disagreement became reasons for brutal murder. Some tried to piece together their theories in small groups, hoping that with enough brainpower and expertise they might arrive at a solution. Others jumped straight over the "investigation" phase and landed square at the end of the story they were creating, instantly accusing the man across the table of some vile treachery. And, moreover, actually employing phrases like "vile treachery" in doing so. Everyone was a suspect. But at the world's largest Sherlockian gathering, everyone was a detective as well. ~ Graham Moore

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous. ~ Alice Walker

As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.) ~ Christopher Hitchens

Who," coughed Zvonok, "do you think broke your favorite teacup last fall? The one with the cherries on the handle?"
"I was careless, Comrade Zvonok. I left the window open and a storm blew through."
"Incorrect! I broke it because you left me no cream and no dry biscuits, and when your old boots wore through, you burned them up for heat instead of giving them to me!"
"Hear, hear!" the table erupted in approval once more. "Well done, well done!"
"I'm surely very sorry
"
"So is your teacup. ~ Catherynne M Valente

All of it - for this. Leading us to a door we can't open, a password we don't have. ~ Meagan Spooner

Geoffrey looked startled to see both his great-uncles bearing down upon him with such haste; he hadn't realized men their age could move so fast. ~ Sharon Kay Penman

We have a shit storm behind door A and a storm of shit behind door B ~ Abraham Ford (The Walking Dead TV Series)

The secret to my success is the love & support of a good bar of chocolate ~ Ray Daley

Alexia found herself surrounded and embraced by a room of such unmitigated welcome and personality that it was akin to being yelled at by plum pudding. ~ Gail Carriger

There's such a unique humour in Wales that I just love and miss in Los Angeles. ~ Matthew Rhys

Now you're just being silly. He's a mercenary- he's not going to go about penning love letters, and really, what would he write? 'Anna ... love you ... grrr?' Olivia to Annalia ~ Kresley Cole

The Nazis understand everything except humour. ~ Mary Berg

Finn says, "No, ma'am," as he enters the shop, where he gets poked directly in the chest by the fertility goddess. I move a step backward so he can get away because the last thing I need is for Finn to suddenly decide to become fertile. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

Since it is difficult to approve the reasons people invoke, each time we leave one of our 'fellow men', the question which comes to mind is invariably the same: how does he keep from killing himself? ~ Emil Cioran

A dragon is a norn's best friend. Norn saying. ~ Taylor Grace

Just then Antonio, his two guards, his two Pit Bulls, Sebastian, and a strange, tall Keja bloke who had long white-grey hair and a matching long beard entered.
That's Luther, Jared informed me. He's Antonio's Advisor.
Someone should tell him that he's not living in the film Lord of the Rings.
Jared coughed to hide his giggle. ~ Suzanne Wrightt

The earliest intelligence of the travellers' safe arrival at Antigua, after a favourable voyage, was received; though not before Mrs. Norris had been indulging in very dreadful fears, and trying to make Edmund participate them whenever she could get him alone; and as she depended on being the first person made acquainted with any fatal catastrophe, she had already arranged the manner of breaking it to all the others, when Sir Thomas's assurances of their both being alive and well made it necessary to lay by her agitation and affectionate preparatory speeches for a while. ~ Jane Austen

I'm thinking we ought to rethink the whole self-esteem thing. It should almost be a dirty word. I mean, look at Kayla. She has the intelligence of a tree stump, and its sense of humour. She's less about real attractiveness than she is about advertising ... She's the kind of girl who shows how hot she is because she has nothing else to offer, who doesn't realise that hotness has an expiration date. Yet, I'm still a little nervous talking to her like she's holding a lottery ticket she just might or might not decide to hand over to me. It is nuts, if you stop to think about it. I give give her this power, and it's kind of like voting some idiot into office. But hey, we're good at that, too. ~ Deb Caletti

I don't mean to mock the gods,
but Freyja seems to me a bitch.
- Hjalti Skjeggjason ~ Robert Ferguson

She looked like a tomato struggling for self-expression. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me "smoking can cause fatal lung cancer". ~ Robert Clark

The man up there raged aloud in two languages, and with a sincerity in his fury that almost convinced me I had, in some way, sinned against the harmony of the universe ~ Joseph Conrad

Lainie blurted, "Hank and Kyle wanna share me. Like, at-the-same-time type of sharing me."
"Holy freakin' shit." Tanna's big gray eyes went comically wide. "They're offering you a threesome? With them?"
...
"Please tell me you said yes, Lainie."
Her gaze flew to Tanna's. "You're not appalled?"
"Hell, no. I'm jealous. ~ Lorelei James

Think of what would happen to us ... if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record. ~ Thomas Lansing Masson

Another oral exam, huh?' Peter said.
'Shut up, Peter,' said Valentine.
'You should relax and enjoy it,' said Peter. 'It could be worse.'
'I don't know how.'
'It could be an anal exam. ~ Orson Scott Card

It comes in pints? ~ Peter Jackson

Among all kinds of Writing, there is none in which Authors are more apt to miscarry than in Works of Humour, as there is none in which they are more ambitious to excel. ~ Joseph Addison

Stephen is my boyfriend," Doug said. "We're gay together."
"I'm also gay when we're apart," Stephen added. ~ Valerie Z. Lewis

Sometimes you feel amazing about life and other times you just feel fat and depressed, so I think it's good to be honest about that and to make light of it, I think humour is important, nobody's perfect. ~ Marina And The Diamonds

Space is infinite. To the mind that means freedom, liberation.' So wrote Arisko, our greatest turkle philosopher, in his most famous work, 'Thoughts In A Bathtub'," said Dottia, dreamily, in an inspired state. ~ Philip Dodd

The whole plan's so high on the cheese factor it's practically Stilton ~ Zadie Smith

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. ~ Ambrose Bierce

My God - it's a green child!" said the American. "What is this place - the House of Usher? ~ Dodie Smith

Oh be careful! There they go again!" said the old queen as his string broke spilling his balls over the floor ... "Stop them will you, James, you worthless old shit! Don't just stand there and let the master's balls roll into the coal-bin! ~ William S. Burroughs

It seems certain, that though a man, in a flush of humour, after intense reflection on the many contradictions and imperfections of human reason, may entirely renounce all belief and opinion, it is impossible for him to persevere in this total scepticism, or make it appear in his conduct for a few hours. ~ David Hume

Mr Gray didn't care much for Jonesy's body (or so he told himself; in truth it was hard not to feel at least some affection for something capable of providing such unexpected pleasures as 'bacon' and 'murder'), but it did have to take him another couple of hundred miles. ~ Stephen King

I figured if I was tired enough, I wouldn't miss Travis.
Which kind of worked, until after the three o'clock fussing-wombat feed and I got back into bed and his side of the bed was cold.
Or until I tripped over his laundry that he'd left on the bathroom floor. That he always left on the bathroom floor.
Or until I sat at the table at breakfast time and his chair was too damn empty. There was no smartarse comments, no bursts of laughter. His blue eyes didn't spark with humour and his sandy-blond hair didn't spike out just so.
There was no foot-holding under the table. ~ N.R. Walker

I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. ~ Ronnie Wood

There are others who have strange eyes?' I asked, perking up.

Kester suddenly wished he hadn't spoken. 'Well, not as distinctive as you. No one actually has purple ones. Shades of green and blue are sometimes too bright than normal, but I don't recall anyone having eyes like yours.'

So I was weird among a bunch of weirdos. Just perfect. ~ Deepika Kumaaraguru

I have never seen anyone bothering to play at putting heavy women's markup on a pit-bull, now, looking at this specimen of womanhood, I could surely understand why. ~ Gary Edward Gedall

Laughing in the cultural industry is mockery of happiness. ~ Theodor W. Adorno

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z. ~ Darynda Jones

What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me.
"What do you mean, what happened?"
"I sensed your fear, heard you call out my name."
"I ... no, I didn't." Stone Wall, I told myself. Great Wall of China, around my thoughts.
"The Great Wall of China isn't going to do it, Violet. Come on, tell me what happened. ~ Kristi Cook

I need a weapon," Valkyrie muttered.
"You're an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained in
a variety of martial arts by some of the best fighters in the world," Skulduggery pointed out. "I'm fairly certain that makes you a weapon."
"I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword ... I want a stick."
"I'll buy you a stick for Christmas. ~ Derek Landy

If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life. ~ Kaede Kouchi

Only elves and trolls had survived the coming of Man to the discworld: the elves because they were altogether too clever by half, and the trolley folk because they were at least as good as humans at being nasty, spiteful and greedy. ~ Terry Pratchett

Welcome to Hell, where the living conditions went beyond crowded, the job sucked, and the pay sucked even worse. It was like living in, well, Hell. ~ Eve Langlais

I can lie about my name, I can lie about my school, but how am I going to lie about this fucking nose? "You seem like a very nice person Mr. Porte-Noir, but why do you go around covering the middle of your face like that?" Because suddenly it has taken off, the middle of my face! Because gone is the button of my childhood years, that pretty little thing that people used to look at in my carriage, and lo and behold, the middle of my face has begun to reach out towards God. Porte-Noir and Parsons my ass, kid, you have got J-E-W written right across the middle of your face ... ~ Philip Roth

His Scotch bear-leader, Mr Boswell, was a butt of the first quality. ~ William Makepeace Thackeray

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo's gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she'd told him her version yet. She had balls of steel, he thought with a smile. And what did he have? Three pairs of loin cloths going crisp on the radiator. ~ Dianna Hardy

Stacy can choke on store-bought sugar cookies like the rest of us. Why's he even bringing them? They're dentists. They should be eating celery. ~ Sarah Hogle

An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him; but that would be just like an oyster, which is the most conceited animal there is, except man. And anyway, this one could not know, at that early date, that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more in the scheme yet. ~ Mark Twain

There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George's stomach. Plaster didn't actually fall from the ceiling, but it was close. ~ Jonathan Stroud

Miss Climpson," said Lord Peter, "is a manifestation of the wasteful way in which this country is run. Look at electricity, Look at water-power. Look at the tides. Look at the sun. Millions of power units being given off into space every minute. Thousands of old maids, simply bursting with useful energy, forced by our stupid social system into hydros and hotels and communities and hostels and posts as companions, where their magnificent gossip-powers and units of inquisitiveness are allowed to dissipate themselves or even become harmful to the community, while the ratepayers' money is spent on getting work for which these women are providentially fitted, inefficiently carried out by ill-equipped policemen like you. ~ Dorothy L. Sayers

Nice hair.' Olivier turned to Clara, hoping to break the tension.
'Thank you.' Clara ran her hands through it, making it stand on end as though she'd just had a scare.
'You're right.' Olivier turned to Myrna. 'She looks like a frightened doughboy from the trenches of Vimy. Not many people could carry off that look. Very bold, very new millennium. I salute you.'
Clara narrowed her eyes and glared at Myrna whose smile went from ear to ear. ~ Louise Penny

They want dancing girls! They want thrills! They want elephants! They want people falling off roofs! They want dreams! The world is full of little people with big dreams! ~ Terry Pratchett

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Turning things over and over in isolation had led me to a certain point, but I knew that to get any further I'd have to voice some ideas aloud, just to see how they sounded. But I certainly didn't go to Ellie expecting any kind of constructive input on her part. It was more that I'd hit a wall and needed someone to talk around the subject with - like when you come up against a problem that's just immune to normal logic. ~ Gavin Extence

It's a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean ~ F.D. Lee

Everyone looked pensive, which is good cover-up for clueless. ~ Nelson DeMille

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten. ~ Dave Turner

Now Miss Mapp's social dictatorship among the ladies of Tilling had long been paramount, but every now and then signs of rebellious upheavals showed themselves. By virtue of her commanding personality these had never assumed really serious proportions, for Diva, who was generally the leader in these uprisings, had not the same moral massiveness. But now when Elizabeth was so exceedingly superior, the fumes of Bolshevism mounted swiftly to Diva's head. Moreover, the sight of this puzzling male impersonator, old, wrinkled, and moustached, had kindled to a greater heat her desire to know her and learn what it felt like to be Romeo on the music-hall stage and, after years of that delirious existence, to subside into a bath-chair and Suntrap and Tilling. What a wonderful life! . . . And behind all this there was a vague notion that Elizabeth had got her information in some clandestine manner and had muddled it. For all her clear-headedness and force Elizabeth did sometimes make a muddle and it would be sweeter than honey and the honeycomb to catch her out. So in a state of brooding resentment Diva went home to lunch and concentrated on how to get even with Elizabeth. ~ E.F. Benson

A five-week sand blizzard?" said Deep Thought haughtily. "You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff. ~ Douglas Adams

I love inappropriate humour. What else are you going to do? You have to laugh. ~ Bojana Novakovic

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Hairy monkeyballs!" I hiss. "Dogshit on a stick! Puke pancakes!"
A head pokes in. Wren, green eyes smiling, walks over to my bed.
"I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears? ~ Sara Wolf

Ill-humour resembles indolence: it is
natural to us; but if once we have courage to exert ourselves, we find our work run fresh from our hands, and we experience in the activity from which we shrank a real enjoyment. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Tallish. Check. Built like a bull. Check. Were there tingles in her downstairs department? Mmhmm. Check. Her pearly gates had gone into override and the doors were ready to burst open. ~ Cari Silverwood

As Aboriginal people we have always retained our resilience, our humour and our cultural integrity - we will always retain our dreams and a vision for the future for our people. ~ Ken Wyatt

Michael tousled my hair and said, "Remember, no more skateboards, right?" And then this gem: "If you ever break your arm skateboarding again ... " He paused, flashing me a dimpled Charles Ingalls grin, which then suddenly disappeared. "I'll break the other one. ~ Alison Arngrim

I suppose we should send someone to make sure the queen does not come to the wall also," the king jested.
"I would say that it is too late for that, my lord," a feminine voice answered from the group gathered in the courtyard. They all turned to find the queen dressed in chain mail and wearing a conical helmet on her head. ~ Alex George

Who's possessing who now, Casper? ~ Rick Riordan

It seems to me that humour is everybody's way of keeping sane and standing off from the situations so that they can see it intellectually, as well as emotionally, and I don't know whether you've noticed, but if somebody tells a joke, it's nearly always a mini fantasy. ~ Diana Wynne Jones

The rottweiler stood his ground and waited for me to take the next step in the dance of ritualized intimidation. Instead, I leaped at him. Screw ritual. Now was not the time to stand on ceremony. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Solomon's Laws
1. When the law doesn't work ... work the law. ~ Paul Levine

Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table. ~ Gail Carriger

Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I'll show you a woman with enlarged pores. ~ Cynthia Heimel

You dance?"
"I think that might be overly optimistic," he said. "I do something. I'll try not to hurt you. ~ Robyn Carr

When Jan was called up to service a fourth time...my mother waited outside...the two of them were convinced that this time Jan would have to go, that they would surely send him off to cure his ailing chest in the air of France, famed for its iron and lead content. ~ Gunter Grass

I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet."
At that he smiled. "How would you know what feet taste like?"
"I just know. ~ Cassandra Clare

They are all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters. ~ Jane Austen

I need to know, Hannah. Why did you fucking leave?" His brutal tone is clear as his fingers trace their way up my thigh and skim over the silk material of my underwear. I push my pelvis towards him; I need his fingers in me now. He has different ideas, trying to tease an answer out of me, and my invitation for more contact is ignored. If there is any chance of me having what I want, I need to answer him. ~ A.J. Walters

Lectures broke into one's day and were clearly a terrible waste of time, necessary no doubt if you were reading law or medicine or some other vocational subject, but in the case of English, the natural thing to do was talk a lot, listen to music, drink coffee and wine, read books, and go to plays, perhaps be in plays ... ~ Stephen Fry

Where death gives you a sense of humour, life gives you a sense of love. ~ Athan Fletcher

Ah, sahib. I know you just come to comfort a old man left to live by hisself. Soomintra say I too old-fashion. And Leela, she always by you. Why you don't sit down, sahib? It ain't dirty. Is just how it does look.'
Ganesh didn't sit down. 'Ramlogan, I come to buy over your taxis. ~ V.S. Naipaul

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. ~ Robert Orben

I am one of those servants – butlers usually – who respectfully points out when their master is about to do something stupid: "You should probably only burn the document once the blackmail has been completed, m' lady. ~ Joe Dunthorne

Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to. ~ Derek Landy

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out. ~ Diane Castle

The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else.
You're the corpse in an English murder mystery. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV? ~ Bruce Coville

News of the death of James V on 14 December gave even further cause for rejoicing, because his heir was a week-old girl, the infant Mary, Queen of Scots. Scotland would be subject to yet another weakening regency - it had endured six during the past 150 years - and should give no further trouble. ~ Alison Weir

You sure you don't want me to bring you back something?" Her eyes moved in the direction of his office. "A hit man? Some holy water? ~ Christina Lauren

Don't tell the guys at Trinity Broadcast Network, but financial prosperity is not the primary indicator of God's blessing. Think back to the garden. What was the greatest blessing that God gave to Adam and Eve? The greatest blessing was living in God's very presence, knowing him, and worshipping him. ~ Chris Bruno

We flew out of the city and we landed on the page where Moses split the sea and the Jews marched between those suspended mountains of water, hovering, humming on both sides, and the poor expelled merchants wondered if Moses knew what the fuck he was doing. What if his hand got tired and he accidentally dropped his magic cane, or got distracted by a wet desert ass, or lost his sandals, or what if that lush single malt of a God changed his mind again and the fucking Red Sea closed in on them with its menstrual red liquid? ~ Rawi Hage

In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity. ~ John Biggins

What do you think of Lord St. Vincent?" Pandora asked eagerly.
West's gaze moved to a man who appeared to be a younger version of his sire, with bronze-gold hair that gleamed like new-minted coins. Princely handsome. A cross between Adonis and the Royal Coronation Coach.
With deliberate casualness, West said, "He's not as tall as I expected."
Pandora looked affronted. "He's every bit as tall as you!"
"I'll eat my hat if he's an inch over four foot seven." West clicked his tongue in a few disapproving tsk-tsks. "And still in short trousers."
Half annoyed, half amused, Pandora gave him a little shove. "That's his younger brother Ivo, who is eleven. The one next to him is my fiancé."
"Aah. Well, I can see why you'd want to marry that one. ~ Lisa Kleypas