Funny Money Quotes

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. ~ George Burns

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00. ~ Henny Youngman

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. ~ George Carlin

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. ~ Doug Larson

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. ~ Johnny Carson

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street ~ Jay Leno

Money without brains is always dangerous. ~ Napoleon Hill

Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money. ~ Satchel Paige

I wish I had only offered you
a sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I've a use for it.'
'And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.'
'Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.'
'Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.'
'Just let me look at the cash.'
'No, sir; you are not to be trusted. ~ Charlotte Bronte

What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more. ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Money in property is dead money. It doesn't help the country. It's funny how the U.K., Ireland and Spain are the most property-obsessed nations in Europe and yet are also the ones suffering the most. ~ Peter Hargreaves

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~ Spike Milligan

Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled ~ Dan Quayle

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine. ~ Mark Twain

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow. ~ Thornton Wilder

Unfortunately, sometimes the fans forget who puts the money and passion into the club. It's funny, but when you win, it's the coach and the players who are responsible, but when you lose, it's the owner's fault; but that's football. ~ Andrea Della Valle

A fool and her money are soon courted. ~ Helen Rowland

What's worth doing is worth doing for money. ~ Stanley Weiser

This may sound funny, but as much as the 'Today' show matured me, it also was something of a cocoon. I'd been happy there. I never went into the boss's office and pounded my fist on the desk, saying, 'Give me more money! Give me a prime-time show!' ~ Jane Pauley

All heiresses are beautiful. ~ John Dryden

I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes ~ Mick Jagger

The funny thing in France is that writers are not allowed to retire, because the French government say you are still earning money from books you wrote 20 years ago. ~ Peter Mayle

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. ~ Steve Martin

If you're given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal. ~ Katharine Hepburn

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. ~ Denis Leary

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. ~ Mariah Carey

Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms. ~ George W. Bush

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? ~ Milton Berle

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~ Lana Turner

It started out as kind of a joke, and then it wasn't funny anymore because money became involved. Deep down, nothing about money is funny. ~ Charles Willeford

Poetry is again hip in America as people are beginning to refuse to die of boredom and to choke in the fog of their funny money. ~ Andrei Codrescu

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. ~ Bill Vaughan

Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody. ~ Florenz Ziegfeld

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~ Herman Wouk

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. ~ Katherine Whitehorn

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
~ Paula Poundstone

It's money. I remember it from when I was single ~ Billy Crystal

It's funny: I put money into short films, and I put really good actors in it, and I write some stuff that's really funny, and I'll get, like, a million views. But to the right of me, there will be a video of a kitten that falls into a toilet bowl, and it's three seconds long, and it will get 25 million views. ~ Ben Schwartz

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. ~ Milton Berle

I think it's really important for celebrities to use their power of money and fame to get their voices out there. It's funny to me that we're expected to keep quiet just because of who we are. Why do I lose my right to speak my mind because I'm famous? ~ Lisa Edelstein

The rich. You know why they're so odd? Because they can afford to be. ~ Robert Wuhl

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. ~ Rowan Atkinson

You know, it's funny ... when you're making money, people don't think you're playing jazz. Now when you're not making money, people think that you're a good jazz musician. ~ Pete Fountain

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. ~ Henny Youngman

I always invest my own money in the companies that I create. I don't believe in the whole thing of just using other people's money. I don't think that's right. I'm not going to ask other people to invest in something if I'm not prepared to do so myself. ~ Elon Musk

My pride fell with my fortunes. ~ William Shakespeare

As a society we're always so quick and able to spend money on lawyers for someone for incarceration, but we don't make the corresponding commitment to the preventative components of it. ~ Matt Gonzalez

When life give you pizza, eat it quickly before anyone realizes that you have it. ~ Anay

Laurence Olivier said in an interview once that when he plays a tragedy he always aims for the funny parts, and the other way around. Because in a comedy you look for what's serious. I think that's true. Sometimes things are really funny if you're absolutely earnest. If you're really serious, it's hilarious. ~ Christopher Walken

Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the air. ~ John Paxson

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. ~ John Ciardi

The heavy eyelids snapped open. Jack froze.
A huge gold-and-amber eye, as big as a dinner plater, stared at him. The dark pupil shrank, focusing.
Jack stood very still.
The colossal head turned, the scaled lip only three feet from Jack. The golden eyes gazed at him, wirling with fiery color.
Jack breathed in tiny, shallow breaths.
Dont blink. Don't blink ...
Two gusts of wind erutped from the wyvern's nostrils Jack jumped straight up, bounced off the ground into another jump, and scrambled up the nearest tree.
In the clearing, Gaston bent over, guffawing like an idiot.
'It's not funny! ~ Ilona Andrews

Girls are funny. If they fall for you, they do what they want - their mothers be damned. ~ Michael Schmicker

Who wants to blow up a bridge with me? ~ Brandon Nolta

Money is a function of value creation. The more value you create for other people, the higher the sales of your organization. ~ Robin Sharma

It is worth the while to live respectably unto ourselves. We can possibly get along with a neighbor, even with a bedfellow, whom we respect but very little; but as soon as it comes to this, that we do not respect ourselves, then we do not get along at all, no matter how much money we are paid for halting. ~ Henry David Thoreau

The mention of money did intrigue him, since he did prefer wine, women, and song to beer, whores, and accordion music. ~ Pip Ballantine

The Western States nervous under the beginning change.
Texas and Oklahoma, Kansas and Arkansas, New Mexico,
Arizona, California. A single family moved from the land.
Pa borrowed money from the bank, and now the bank wants
the land. The land company--that's the bank when it has land
--wants tractors, not families on the land. Is a tractor bad? Is
the power that turns the long furrows wrong? If this tractor
were ours it would be good--not mine, but ours. If our tractor
turned the long furrows of our land, it would be good.
Not my land, but ours. We could love that tractor then as
we have loved this land when it was ours. But the tractor
does two things--it turns the land and turns us off the land.
There is little difference between this tractor and a tank.
The people are driven, intimidated, hurt by both. We must think
about this.

One man, one family driven from the land; this rusty car
creaking along the highway to the west. I lost my land, a
single tractor took my land. I am alone and bewildered.
And in the night one family camps in a ditch and another
family pulls in and the tents come out. The two men squat
on their hams and the women and children listen. Here is the
node, you who hate change and fear revolution. Keep these
two squatting men apart; make them hate, fear, suspect each
other. Here is the anlarge of the thing you fear. This is the
zygote ~ John Steinbeck

When you say someone is stubborn and irrational because they're black, that's racism. When you say someone is stubborn and irrational because they're female, that's sexism. When you say someone is stubborn and irrational because they're a leo, that's astrology. Notice a pattern? It's all nonsense. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Some call you the lost brothers. Look at you. Living in America has lightened your skin, made you forget your language. You have tasted Western women and you're probably not as attracted to Vietnamese women anymore. You eat nutritious Western food and you are bigger and stronger than us. You know better than to smoke and drink like Vietnamese. You know exercise is good so you don't waste your time sitting in cafés and smoking your hard earned money away. Someday, your blood will mix so well with the Western blood that there will be no difference between you and them. You are already lost to us. ~ Andrew X. Pham

Who doesn't love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time? ~ Malin Akerman

You know, I said I have this problem that I need to more carefully read Akron's text because it's too much, too much fantasy, and so I am busy with other stuff - it's funny, it's nice to hear that someone is studying that carefully and now I know a little bit more about that. ~ H.R. Giger

The real difficulty for smaller films, when they're made independently and it's time to go for a distributor, sometimes if it's a tough film and the people who financed it need their money back right away, it's much easier and lucrative to take a DVD deal. ~ Willem Dafoe

I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in the news business, by the way. He was a radio news guy. So the news was always in my house, and funny was always in my house. It was sort of just baked into the DNA that I would do this for a living, but I can remember being less than 10 years old and dreaming about being a comedian. ~ Bill Maher

A lot that was happening in 2005, 2006, good and bad, the beats reflected it. It was a lot of money around. People was making music to throw money to. ~ Gucci Mane

Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."
She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away.
"I should make you negotiate with Phoebe. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

What money is worth is never taught in formative stages, thereby everyone defines it his own way, but the fact remains that no one is able to define it ever, but still runs after it blindly. ~ Sandeep Sahajpal

Your time, energy, and money always go to what's important to you. ~ Larry Winget

I make funny videos. I hate saying I'm a comedian because then people stick their finger in your face and demand you tell a joke. But the other thing people call me is 'a YouTube sensation,' which is even worse. ~ Katie Nolan

Modern economics does not distinguish between renewable and non-renewable materials, as its very method is to equalise and quantify everything by means of a money price. Thus, taking various alternative fuels, like coal, oil, wood, or water-power: the only difference between them recognised by modern economics is relative cost per equivalent unit. The cheapest is automatically the one to be preferred, as to do otherwise would be irrational and "uneconomic." From a Buddhist point of view, of course, this will not do; the essential difference between nonrenewable fuels like coal and oil on the one hand and renewable fuels like wood and water-power on the other cannot be simply overlooked. Non-renewable goods must be used only if they are indispensable, and then only with the greatest care and the most meticulous concern for conservation. To use them heedlessly or extravagantly is an act of violence, and while complete non-violence may not be attainable on this earth, there is nonetheless an ineluctable duty on man to aim at the ideal of non-violence in all he does…

As the world's resources of non-renewable fuels - coal, oil, and natural gas - are exceedingly unevenly distributed over the globe and undoubtedly limited in quantity, it is clear that their exploitation at an ever-increasing rate is an act of violence against nature which must almost inevitably lead to violence between men. ~ Ernst F. Schumacher

Causes do matter. And the world is changed by people who care deeply about causes – about things that matter. We don't have to be particularly smart or talented. We don't need a lot of money or education. All we really need is to be passionate about something important; something bigger than ourselves. And it's that commitment to a worthwhile cause that changes the world. ~ Steve Goodier

Granted, the writers, directors, producers, and that community make a great deal of money. But they might be choosing to do a whole lot of other things for the living they make. ~ Norman Lear

The only thing you can trust in this world is money and your source of food. ~ Kim Dong-joo

Is that him?" said Sister Mary, staring at the baby. "Only I'd expected funny eyes. Red, or green. Or teensy-weensy little hoofikins. Or a widdle tail." She turned him around as she spoke. No horns either. The Devil's child looked ominously normal.
"Yes, that's him," said Crowley.
"Fancy me holding the Antichrist," said Sister Mary. "And bathing the Antichrist. And counting his little toesy-wosies ... ~ Terry Pratchett

To state that the cost of proper medical care itself surpasses the financial resources of any of the countries in the West is of course ridiculous, not the least when one considers the other purposes for which money is freely being used and working hours spent. ~ Karl Evang

A boatload of government money is indeed a gift. Unless, I suppose, you're one of the saps paying for the cargo. ~ David Harsanyi

The saga started out a normal day - don't they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke up, yawned, chewed some coffee beans, and thought his day was going to be dead boring, just before a comet slammed into his neighborhood. ~ Rachel Caine

Over a three year period, I gave away half of what I had. To be honest, my hands shook as I signed it away. I knew I was taking myself out of the race to be the richest man in the world. ~ Ted Turner

Just selling through a movie theater is not ever going to be a viable way to make money back on a movie anymore. ~ Lucy Fisher

Apparently, this Balaam seer was conscientious about earning his money. So after he spoke the blessing of Yahweh four times in favor of the Israelites, he gave the Midianites and Moabites some advice on how to undermine the blessing from within." "Indeed," said Sheshai. "Seduce them with women. As we all know, the way of man is such that if you please him sexually, he will give you anything and everything in return, even his soul. The Israelites have developed a liking for Moabite and Midianite women, and with them their local deities. Their god Yahweh is a jealous god who demands exclusive allegiance to him and the destruction of all other gods. One can only imagine the anger he now has toward his own people. ~ Brian Godawa

The best investors are visionaries - they look beyond the present.
By the same token, vision remains vision until you focus, do the work, and bring it down to earth where it will do some good. ~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

By the end of the first month of the 1995 session, each senator will have made more money than any person who works 40 hours a week at minimum wage for the entire year. ~ William J. Clinton

The state funneled money to private academies for white students. ~ Isabel Wilkerson

Fitz sat in a green leather armchair. To Ethel's surprise, Albert Solman was there, too, in a black suit and a stiff-collared shirt. A lawyer by training, Solman was what Edwardian gentlemen called a man of business. He managed Fitz's money, checking his income from coal royalties and rents, paying the bills, and issuing cash for staff wages. He also dealt with leases and other contracts, and occasionally brought lawsuits against people who tried to cheat Fitz. Ethel had met him before and did not like him. She thought he was a know-all. Perhaps all lawyers were; she did not know: he was the only one she had ever met. ~ Ken Follett

Money is only a vehicle that provides you with options, and I say there's only one thing that money can't buy - poverty. ~ Jerry Doyle

Forget the haters, just get ya money, just get ya weight up. ~ Nicki Minaj

It's funny how one summer can change everything. It must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh-cut grass and honeysuckle, asphalt sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it. Something about long, lazy days and whirring air conditioners and bright plastic flip-flops from the drugstore thwacking down the street. Something about fall being so close, another year, another Christmas, another beginning. So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding the exact point when everything changed. That summer was mine. ~ Sarah Dessen

In high school, I was too shy to perform. It's one thing to get laughs from your family, to be funny at parties and in class. It's another thing to get up on the stage. ~ Michael Keaton

It's probably the only attraction in Shartlesburg, Pennsylvania, a town whose name Miriam finds so funny she, well, nearly sharts every time she hears it. ~ Chuck Wendig

Isn't it funny how we had more fake friends than real friends? ~ Ayesha Furtick

The movies I usually do are maybe three or four weeks because they don't have a lot of money. ~ Catherine Keener

One always has to worry when capitalism has a role in health care. If you're just using health care to make money, you will treat the wrong diseases. Capitalism has its limits. There is a role for governments, and this is one where they should be involved. ~ Richard J. Roberts