Funny Friend Quotes

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

Without friends the world is but a wilderness. ~ Francis Bacon

A friend may be waiting behind a stranger's face. ~ Maya Angelou

Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth. ~ Horace Walpole

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them ~ Andy Borowitz

Time for Tolerance,Equality, and Acceptance, It's allways TEA time with my Friends ... ~ Gregory Douglass

I just killed my best friend ... and my worst enemy. What's the difference? ~ Christian Slater

When you're working with a big star, you always wonder what it's going to be like. Hugh Jackman puts you at ease within 10 minutes. He has such a wonderful energy and is so generous when you're doing a scene. He's just so funny and friendly and playful - he instantly becomes your friend. ~ Cush Jumbo

friends are the sunshine of life. ~ John Hay

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people" ~ Andy Borowitz

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long. ~ Robert Staughton Lynd

Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you. ~ Yasser Arafat

I've noticed your hostility towards him ... I ought to have guessed you were friends. ~ Malcolm Bradbury

We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends. ~ P.D. James

Friendship is a pretty full-time occupation if you really are friendly with somebody. You can't have too many friends because then you're just not really friends. ~ Truman Capote

My friend had a funny remark; he told me everybody has something - some people have a big butt, some people are insecure and at least you know what it is, even if it's a lump on your head. I know I have a lump on my head. ~ Karen Duffy

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. ~ Otto Von Bismarck

Every man should keep a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried. ~ Charles Caleb Colton

It is good to have friends both in Heaven and Hell. ~ George Herbert

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. ~ Bob Hope

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. ~ Robert Orben

Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason ~ Mason Cooley

Why would anybody want a friend? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire." ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul. ~ Ambrose Bierce

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved. ~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

I don't like half the folks I love. ~ Paul Thorn

Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." ~ Steven Wright

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being black-friendless, you can either go to the nearest black church and strike up a conversation, or just fire up Facebook, search for "black people," and start clicking "Add Friend" on the names in the resulting lists. Technology is amazing and quite a time-saver. ~ Baratunde R. Thurston

There's a funny thing about light and darkness
like hope, you can never blot out either one completely. They always exist, side by side, bright light making shadows darker, darkness making the light more beautiful, a tempting siren call. I can't hate the dark parts of myself. They are the things that showed me how special and rare the bright flames of trust, loyalty, friendship, and love were. My darkness showed me how to love Rob. But now I choose light and fire and love. No I choose freedom. ~ A.C. Gaughen

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles ~ Sarah Phillips

She stood on the pile of rubble, her sword held high in such a way that it gleamed in the damp morning. She looked bold and fierce - unlike the science geek who'd been his best friend for years. ~ Carrie Ryan

I want my online content to be so good that Google's web crawler stops and says "Dayyyum son! ~ Ryan Lilly

I wouldn't know anything about opera music if it wasn't for Bugs Bunny. That was my entire introduction to opera music. I wouldn't know anything about classical music if it wasn't for "Fantasia." They didn't have to do that stuff. They chose to base this ridiculous, funny, intriguing, creative story on this beautiful classical music. It's the combination of the high and the low that I thought was very cool. But I had no concept of it as a kid. ~ Jon Hamm

Pork is my friend. ~ Tom Douglas

Baby you should bring your best friend, then you should persuade her to let me get some sex in. Don't get offended, baby, that's just a suggestion ~ Drake

He swiveled his head towards Eddie. "Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?"
If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking the bucket from a gunshot was like. Snore.
"Don't bother." Adrian cracked his knuckles. "They're not going to tell you anything. They can't."
What the fuck? "I thought I worked for them."
"You work for both sides, and they've given you all the help they can."
Jim looked back and forth between the two angels. Each of them had the tight expression of a guy with a shoestring noosing up his balls.
"Help?" he said. "Where's my goddamned help?"
"They gave you us, asshole," Adrian snapped. "And that's all they can do
I've already gone over and asked them who's supposed to be next. I figured it would help you, you ungrateful bastard. ~ J.R. Ward

Think about it: Why should we care whether what makes us happy is just an electrical impulse in our brain or something funny that we see some fool do on TV? Does it matter what makes you smile? Wouldn't you rather be happy for no reason than unhappy for good reasons? ~ Terry Trueman

Playing the part of a charitable soul was only for those who were afraid of taking a stand in life. It is always far easier to have faith in your own goodness than to confront others and fight for your rights. It is always easier to hear an insult and not retaliate than have the courage to fight back against someone stronger than yourself; we can always say we're not hurt by the stones others throw at us, and it's only at night - when we're alone and our wife or our husband or our school friend is asleep - that we can silently grieve over our own cowardice. ~ Paulo Coelho

Objectifying is kind of a funny thing. Art is objectification, all art, because you're taking someone and making them into an object. But people can also talk back more to you when you're sketching them. They can look at you and say, 'Oh man, you got me wrong.' ~ Molly Crabapple

I still read the British papers, but I've never been a Royalist, ever. It's funny, there always seems to be much more of a fascination with the Royal Family over here then there does in England. ~ Paul Bettany

And in repose one might have admired so fine a specimen of English manhood, until the foppish ways, the affected movements, the perpetual inane laugh, brought one's admiration of Sir Percy Blakeney to an abrupt close. ~ Emmuska Orczy

The Rangers were founded over one hundred and fifty years ago, in King Herbert's reign. Do you know anything about him?" Halt looked sideways at the boy sitting beside him, tossing the question out quickly to see his response.
Will hesitated. He vaugely remembered the name from history lessons in the Ward, but he couldn't remember any details. Still, he decided he'd try to bluff his way through it...
"Oh ... yes," he said, "King Herbert. We learned about him."
"Really?" said the Ranger expansively. "Perhaps you could tell me a little about him?" He leaned back and crossed his legs, getting himself comfortable...
"He was ..." he hesitated, pretending to gather his thoughts. "The king." That much he was sure of. Halt merely smiled and made a rolling gesture with his hand that meant go on.
"He was the king ... a hundred and fifty years ago," Will said, trying to sound certain of his facts. The Ranger smiled at him, gesturing for him to continue yet again.
"Ummm ... well, I seem to recall that he was the one who founded the Ranger Corps," he said hopefully, and Halt raised his eyebrows in mock surprise.
"Really? You recall that, do you? ~ John Flanagan

The phone rang. It was a familiar voice.

It was Alan Greenspan. Paul O'Neill had tried to stay in touch with people who had served under Gerald Ford, and he'd been reasonably conscientious about it. Alan Greenspan was the exception. In his case, the effort was constant and purposeful. When Greenspan was the chairman of Ford's Council of Economic Advisers, and O'Neill was number two at OMB, they had become a kind of team. Never social so much. They never talked about families or outside interests. It was all about ideas: Medicare financing or block grants - a concept that O'Neill basically invented to balance federal power and local autonomy - or what was really happening in the economy. It became clear that they thought well together. President Ford used to have them talk about various issues while he listened. After a while, each knew how the other's mind worked, the way married couples do.

In the past fifteen years, they'd made a point of meeting every few months. It could be in New York, or Washington, or Pittsburgh. They talked about everything, just as always. Greenspan, O'Neill told a friend, "doesn't have many people who don't want something from him, who will talk straight to him. So that's what we do together - straight talk."

O'Neill felt some straight talk coming in.

"Paul, I'll be blunt. We really need you down here," Greenspan said. "There is a real chance to make lasting changes. We could be a team at the key moment, t ~ Ron Suskind

I play these sort of comical instruments I invented, like the electric rake and the electric plunger. I do a lot of almost stand-up comedy material. Just the juxtaposition of the different styles in itself sometimes is funny. Like, I do sort of an acoustic version of 'Purple Haze' that has some bluegrass licks in it. ~ Eugene Chadbourne

Don't think you can get rid of me that easily. As long as I'm around, you'll never be alone. I do have my reputation
to uphold as your, uh, very, close friend, you know. Heck, I'm going to be around so much, you'll probably be begging me to leave. ~ Jillian Dodd

Sometimes I feel like she deserves a best friend who is just a little more special. ~ Lauren Oliver

But Valentine, why despair, why always paint the future in such sombre hues?" Maximilien asked.
"Because, my friend, I judge it by the past. ~ Alexandre Dumas

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.

For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.

When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someon ~ Joseph Heller

You whom I could not save,
Listen to me.

Can we agree Kevlar
backpacks shouldn't be needed

for children walking to school?
Those same children

also shouldn't require a suit
of armor when standing

on their front lawns, or snipers
to watch their backs

as they eat at McDonalds.
They shouldn't have to stop

to consider the speed
of a bullet or how it might

reshape their bodies. But
one winter, back in Detroit,

I had one student
who opened a door and died.

It was the front
door to his house, but

it could have been any door,
and the bullet could have written

any name. The shooter
was thirteen years old

and was aiming
at someone else. But

a bullet doesn't care
about "aim," it doesn't

distinguish between
the innocent and the innocent,

and how was the bullet
supposed to know this

child would open the door
at the exact wrong moment

because his friend
was outside and screaming

for help. Did I say
I had "one" student who

opened a door and died?
That's wrong.

There were many.
The classroom of grief

had far more seats
than the classroom for math

though every student
in the classroom for math

could count the names
of the ~ Matthew Olzmann

Softly, reassuringly, he comforted his friend, as they waited for death together. As if the Don could truly snatch the life of Genco Abbandando back from that most foul and criminal traitor to man. ~ Mario Puzo

I wanted to write at school - to write funny stories which the teacher might ask me to read out to the class. It's all basically about showing off. ~ Mark Billingham

Music can change our feelings, but a Lover or Friend can change all in us. ~ Jan Jansen

Collin seemed wholly unfazed by Cameron's appearance. Jack kept one eye carefully trained on him, thinking things had better stay that way. Gay or not, best friend or not, no one with a dick was getting within a foot of Cameron while she wore that dress. ~ Julie James

Tell her about the screaming," Janelle said. "Because I can't."
"The screaming?" Stevie repeated.
"The other morning he started something called 'screaming meditation'," Nate said. "Guess what happens in screaming meditation? Did you guess screaming? For fifteen minutes? Because that's what happens in screaming meditation. Fifteen. Minutes. Outside. At five in the morning. Do you know what happens when someone screams outside at a remote location in the mountains, especially after a... ~ Maureen Johnson

It's funny how you can miss someone desperately when they're standing right in front of you. ~ Heather Lyons

I asked of Echo 't other day (Whose words are few and often funny), What to a novice she could say Of courtship, love, and matrimony. Quoth Echo, plainly, Matter-o'-money. ~ John Godfrey Saxe

If your minister comes to you frankly, tells you of your sin, and warns you faithfully, thank God for him. He is your best friend; he is a heaven-sent man. But if a minister speaks smooth, oily words to ~ D.L. Moody

Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person. ~ Chris Rock

Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny. ~ Betty White

I DON'T KNOW! I HAVE NO FREAKIN' IDEA. I'M ONLY FIFTEEN. I want my mom. ~ Jacquelyn Nicole Davis

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. ~ Tim Vine

Asleep? That's what she is right now?" Pure menace laced his words. "And when you decide to answer that question, Kane, be sure that you answer this with great care. I for one see you as my friend. We've never had problems. But now you've met my Melody, and problems cannot be avoided. So when I ask you, is she asleep, be sure that you give me a clear answer, because different ones will result in your death and the slashing away of every fucking person you know. ~ Kenya Wright

I make love like farm equipment - not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can't tell it. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Grace rocked through the rhythm and stepped forward towards the audience and the edge of
the stage, looking out over the crowd.People screamed louder. Strangely enough, I could hear Lea screaming, "That's my best friend, bitches," over everyone. ~ Christine Zolendz

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, "You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now! ~ Leah Broadby

Firmly, Luke put the thought out of his mind. Mourning the loss of a friend and teacher was both fitting and honorable, but to dwell unnecessarily on that loss was to give the past too much power over the present. The ~ Timothy Zahn

I dried my hands and took out my pocket-book from the inside of my tunic hanging on the wall. Rinaldi took the note, folded it without rising from the bed and slid it in his breeches pocket. He smiled, "I must make on Miss Barkley the impression of a man of sufficient wealth. You are my great and good friend and financial protector."
"Go to hell," I said. ~ Ernest Hemingway,

The other day, a friend of a friend said that everyone started out as girls, but boys evolved ... But don't worry girls, I hit him. ~ Ben Mitchell

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. ~ Dane Cook