Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark ... '

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I get no respect ... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My wife has teeth like the stars ... they come out at night.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect ... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!