Rita Rudner Quotes

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends ... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

I'm going to start water skiing someday ... as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."

All men would still really like to own a train set.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

The airline oxygen masks don't really help you. They're just there to muffle the screams.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine ...

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.

Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code ... he turned himself in.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Cats are a waste of fur.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.