Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I love being a dad. I just love it.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.

Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don't want to go back to work after lunch. But they're going. That's their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.

You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that.

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20 ... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.

When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

Economy is essential to all good art.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

The biggest laugh has to come at the end.

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going "what do you mean there's no time?

We got the hot fudge on the bottom ... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?

Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic,

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I get up and get it in. I'm addicted to the high function. To me it's a work thing
if you meditate, you can get so much work done. I always say to people you know how about three nights a year you get a good night sleep? You can have it every day with meditation.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is,

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world ... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!

Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion ... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.

There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.

Success is the enemy of comedy.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge! Once you put that helmet on them, You're in the luge, buddy! aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA ... aaaAAAAA ... World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them.

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

I love advertising because I love lying.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.

That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter ... "

Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States ... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.