Funny Kid Quotes

I thought I was funny as a kid. ~ Jo Brand

I never thought I'd live this long. It sounds funny because I still think of myself as a kid. ~ Larry Dixon

It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh. ~ Art Buchwald

I don't know if I was a funny kid. I would say I was a loud and weird kid. ~ Will Forte

Jesse Tyler Ferguson is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Everything the kid does is funny. I think he tunes his life to being funny. ~ Jesse L. Martin

This is one of mommy's friends, buddy," I told Gavin. (...)
"You're Mommy's fwiend?" he questioned.
Carter just nodded with his mouth open and no sound coming out. I'm pretty sure he didn't even hear Gavin. Someone could have asked him if he liked to watch gay porn while painting pictures of kittens and he would have nodded his head. Before anyone could react, Gavin pulled back one of his little fists of fury and slammed it right into Carters manhood. He immediately bent over at the waist, clutching his hands between his legs and gasping for breath.
"Oh my God! Gavin!" I yelled, as I scrambled over to him, bent down and turned him around to face me while my dad and Liz laughed like hyenas behind me.
"What is wrong with you? We don't hit people. EVER," I scolded.
While Carter tried to breathe again, my dad managed to stop laughing long enough to apologize.
"Sorry, Claire, that's probably my fault. I let Gavin watch "Fight Club" with me last night."
"Your fwiends got you sick the other night. You said he was your fwiend," Gavin explained, like it made all the sense in the world.
This just made my dad laugh even louder.
"Not helping, Dad," I growled through clenched teeth.
"You don't make my mommy sick, dicky-punk!"
Gavin yelled at Carter, putting his two little fingers up by his eyes, and then pointing them right at Carter just like Liz had done to him earlier.
"Jesus Christ," Carter wheezed. "Did he just th ~ Tara Sivec

The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. ~ Seann William Scott

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. ~ J. Cole

You're a goddam funny kid, Clivey," he said. "I got sixteen grandchildren, and there's only two of em that I think is gonna amount to duckshit, and you ain't one of em - although you're on the runner-up list - but you're the only one that can make me laugh until my balls ache. ~ Stephen King

I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me. ~ Sarah Silverman

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven? ~ Zach Galifianakis

Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean. ~ Ingrid Michaelson

I'm a character actor. I have to find work in good movies where I can make something of my role. I'm a very lucky guy to be in that kind of position. It's like a kid who dreams of becoming a baseball player and then he gets to play for the Yankees ... ~ Christopher Walken

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. ~ George Carlin

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns. ~ Bob Hope

I'm still furious with you," she murmured, kissing a line down his chest.
"Oh, God, please don't be furious," he choked out quickly. "Every female I know is furious with me. Rosalyn throws tantrums, and Charlotte hasn't spoken to me or written since you left." He moved his hands to unbutton her gown. "The morning I thought you'd sailed out of my life I started drinking and didn't stop until I'd finished two bottles. For three days I had a blistering headache, and Nedda couldn't for the life of her stop banging things." He groaned. "And I can't even begin to tell you about your sisters. ~ Adele Ashworth

What?" he asked. "You're staring at me funny."
"We're in the wrong movie," I confessed. ~ Lou Harper

A Tolet ad: "Two beds boys available". I wonder which one is Tolet? ~ Santosh Avvannavar

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it. ~ W.W. Jacobs

There's just something about him that gets me. He's a mass of contradictions. He's a terrible grouch, but then he's funny and endearing. He dresses like a rock star and acts like a recluse. He ignores me for days on end and then every now and then he is so, so incredible that he knocks the breath out of me. ~ Kat French

You can analyse a joke and say it's funny because this guy thought this was going to happen, and that happened, and it's surprising. But not all surprising things are funny. ~ John Lloyd

I am always so happy to be at 'SNL.' I still feel like a kid when I'm there, like I can't believe I'm watching them make the show. ~ Nick Offerman

I knew how she smelled, and I knew how she acted in front of me, and I knew how she acted in front of others, and I knew that she liked Mountain Dew and adventure and dramatic gestures, and I knew that she was funny and smart and just generally more than the rest of us. But I didn't know what brought her here, or what kept her here, or what made her leave. ~ John Green

If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy. ~ Jennifer Lopez

Isn't that funny, that deity is passe but the attributes and implications of deity linger
~ Gregory Maguire

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident ~ Josh Stern

I watch 'The Bachelor'. It's one of those things where I always think if it didn't exist and it was on 'SNL,' we would think it would be a ridiculous, funny idea. But it actually exists ... It's a glorious train wreck that I love to watch. ~ Jamie-Lynn Sigler

Maxi Taxi, you've got him now, you've got him, Jew boy, you've got him, you've got him!" A small kid with soft tufts of hair, a beaten nose, and swampy eyes, Max was a good head shorter ~ Markus Zusak

Kurt Cilke liked dogs because they could not conspire. They could not hide hostility, and they were not cunning. They did not lie awake at night planning to rob and murder other dogs. Treachery was beyond their scope. ~ Mario Puzo

Lawyers were notorious for finding cases in the most unlikely places, especially ones with huge potential damagers awards. ~ Jodi Picoult

My unhealthiest habit is that I like eating white bread and butter. I don't know why, I just ate it as a kid. It's weird but I love it. My healthiest? I make a really good quinoa, chickpea and tahini lemon dressing salad, or I make a really bomb green smoothie. ~ Courtney Eaton

The funny thing about a lie is that once it has been said and believed, it lives and becomes. It can't be taken back. It sucks all the air from you until you give up and it takes over and you forget how to breathe on your own. It is like those parasitic relationships, but not like the shark and the little remora that politely cleans the shark's skin and sometimes attaches itself to its underbelly. No, it is more like a tapeworm eating someone from the inside out. ~ Carrie Arcos

The parents are making threatening noises, turning dinner into performance art, with dad doing his Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation and mom playing Glenn Close in one of her psycho roles. I am the Victim.
Mom: [creepy smile] "Thought you could put one over us, did you, Melinda? Big high school students now, don't need to show your homework to your parents, don't need to show any failing test grades?"
Dad: [bangs table, silverware jumps] "Cut the crap. She knows what's up. The interim reports came today. Listen to me, young lady. I'm only going to say this to you once. You get those grades up or your name is mud. Hear me? Get them up!" [Attacks baked potato.] ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

I'm in the mood for love, simply because you're near me. Funny, but when you're near me I'm in the mood for love. ~ Dorothy Fields

So you have to keep it together, kid. Because if you start losing it now? The Reestablishment is going to eat you alive. It's what they want. In fact, it's probably what they're expecting-- they're waiting for you to self-destruct all this shit for them. So you can't let them see this. You can't let these cracks show. ~ Tahereh Mafi

A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike.
An all plans, safeguards, policies and coercion are fruitless.
We find after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. ~ John Steinbeck

Not a problem kid or anything like that so when you're in the legal system like that, it's always hard on a person for the first time to go through some things like that. ~ Leonard Little

Your body is nothing but an envelope, Karou. Your soul is another matter, and is not, as far as I know, in any immediate danger."
"An envelope?" She didn't like to think of her body as an envelope
something others might be able to open up and rifle through, remove things from like so many clipped coupons.
"I assumed you felt the same way," he'd said. "The way you scribble on it."
Brimstone didn't approve of her tattoos, which was funny, since he was responsible for her first, the eyes on her palms. ~ Laini Taylor

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil. ~ Uri Geller

You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there'd be something funny about it to me. ~ Chevy Chase

When we're strong enough," said Sam, "will you come with me?"
"Where? To Bucko Palace?"
"Yes. To find Ella."
"Course I will," said the Kid, and he put an arm around Sam. "It'll be a new grand adventure of the old school. They'll write books about us. Long books. Nothing's gonna split us up, small fry. We're a team. Like Batman and Robin Hood."
And he sang.
"Ner-ner-ner-ner-ner-ner-ner-ner-Batman! ~ Charlie Higson

Oh, and I need to known where Jersey is and if I have enough money to buy it. ~ Anna Banks

Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could.
"Why are you flinching?" the pencil woman asked.
"I don't know. I thought maybe you were going to slap me."
"Don't be ridiculous. I could slap you perfectly well with your eyes open. I'm only going to blindfold you. ~ Trenton Lee Stewart

I laughed too, but not at the hateful jokes made on my people.I laughed because, except that she was white, the big movie star looked just like my mother. Except that she lived in a big mansion with thousands servants. she lived just like my mother. And it was funny to think of the whitefolks' not knowing that the woman they were adoring could be my mother's twin, except that she was white and my mother was prettier. Much prettier. ~ Maya Angelou

We had always known that ours is a small country and that America is very big. But even as a seven-year-old, I was surprised that so many Americans has never noticed us on the map. Perhaps it's like driving a Yugo and realizing that the eighteen-wheeler can's see you. ~ Firoozeh Dumas

People who are following their dreams inspire me. I train at this relatively new gym in West Hollywood called Training Mate. It's owned by a former Australian football player named Luke Milton. The classes are mostly taught by other Australians that are just like Luke: fit, funny, cute, and approachable. Now they're talking about opening another location. He will open another location and be successful because he's following his dream. People like him inspire me because they make me think I can do it too. ~ Dayna Devon

Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great. ~ Mark Twain

I was a little bit chubby when I was a kid. ~ Dexter Scott King

Holy mama llama. That's Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I'm supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I'm going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap. ~ D.L. Hess

Every single kid in my group of friends at school was from a single-parent family. ~ Christina Applegate