Art Buchwald Famous Quotes
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
Every once in a while your world stands still ... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person is gone.
I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys ...
Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, 'I am not a crook.' Jimmy Carter says, 'I have lusted after women in my heart.' President Reagan says, 'I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.
You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday ... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.
New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies
When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
Writers are funny about reviews: when they get a good one they ignore it
but when they get a bad review they never forget it. Every writer I know is the same way: you get a hundred good reviews, and one bad, andyou remember only the bad. For years, you go on and fantasize about the reviewer who didn't like your book; you imagine him as a jerk, a wife-beater, a real ogre. And, in the meantime, the reviewer has forgotten all about the whole thing. But, twenty years later, the writer still remembers that one bad review.
I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.
War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
The things that matter most are not things.