Elayne Boosler Famous Quotes
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.
Horse racing is waning in popularity.
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years.
My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.
You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.
Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country!
Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something ... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!
The message of great art is to disturb.
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.
I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? ... Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper.
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.
Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'