Joan Rivers Quotes

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean.

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I hate babies with trendy names like Tiffany and Britney and Heather and Noah and Blake and Justin. I'm sick of Olivia and Chloe and Eva and Madison. I hope Aiden and Jayden and Braden and Graden all suffer minor head injuries while reading Dr. Seuss. Enough already with the cutesy-poo baby names. What happened to John and Dave and Sue? Babies with trendy names grow up to be adults with ridiculous names. "This is our CEO, Micah." "You know what, Micah? I want my money back. I'm closing my portfolio. I'm going with Michael. He's a grown-up." One day all of these trendy-named children will grow up and become parents and then grandparents, and it's all wrong. Grandma Tori? Zayda Jared? Nana Savannah?

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects."

Never floss with a stranger.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

If you're going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I'm going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!

Having a baby can be a scream.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I was not an attractive child.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride" ...

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

Humor doesn't come out of the good times, it comes out of the anger, pain and sorrow. Always the anger.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

What we do is a calling ... we make people happy

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

Hey, you're taking up the entire sidewalk, bitch!" She scowled and yelled, "I have children!" I yelled back at her, "Well, next time give your husband a blow job and you won't! Why should I have to walk into oncoming traffic because you don't want to give a little head?

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

With this face, I need all the deals I can get.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write: "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.